Seeing the Love (4 page)

“
Lucas
”—Sarah followed him through the house, not leaving him alone—“You have no choice. You need to go on this course. Your social worker can’t plan what special equipment you need, until you’ve taken part in the adaptive daily living program.”

“I don’t care,” Lucas snarled back at her. “It’s fucking rehab, Sarah. A special rehab for blind bastards.”

“It’s to help you cope—”

“Don’t say it.” He tightened his fingers around the bedroom doorframe. “I’m coping fine. I have you and Molly. Mrs. Jackson cleans and shops for me. I don’t need anything else.”

“You need this, sweetie.” She wrapped her arms around him from behind, in a sisterly hug full of affection. “You’ve put off this course three times so far. You can’t miss it again. It’s only a week.”

“I can manage.”

“Maybe you can. Maybe you won’t learn anything useful, but give it a chance, Luc. It’s only Auckland. You’ll be an hour away by plane, and I’ll look after Molly. Is that why you’re stressed?”

“It’s a stupid idea not taking her.” He knew he sounded like a petulant child, but he was beyond caring. The prospect of spending a week amongst strangers was bad enough, but the idea of tiptoeing around similarly handicapped people made him want to throw up. He would have to acknowledge once and for all that he was never going to see again.

“It’s to equip you with the skills you need at home and at work.” She squeezed him closer. “This is for my peace of mind as well, Luc.”

The idea of the course scared the crap out of him, but he wouldn’t admit that to Sarah. It also worried him that he wouldn’t have the freedom to talk to Natalie. He’d not have much time to himself.

Auckland. How far would he be from Natalie? In another world, another lifetime, he’d use the trip as an opportunity to visit her. Hell, even five years ago, he’d have taken a chance on it. Not any longer, though.

This was his life now.

He leaned back against his sister and let her hold him for a moment longer. “I’ll go.” His voice was gruff.

*

The soft buzz of her phone vibrating woke Natalie from an uneasy doze. She snaked out a hand to the bedside locker and lifted the phone to her ear, without checking the caller ID. It had gone dark outside, and she could hear the distinctive rattle of drug-dispensing trolleys in the corridors. “’Lo,” she murmured.

“
Bon soiree
, Natalie.”

Her heart thumped, and she sat up, clutching the phone tighter. “Good evening to you too, Lucas.” She stifled a yawn. “What time is it?”

“Nearly nine. It’s not too late, is it? Did I wake you? I’m sorry.”

His voice was low and unhappy, and Natalie felt a ripple of worry. “No, it’s not too late for me. Is anything the matter?”

He sighed. “I remembered you’re going home tomorrow, and I wanted to wish you good luck. I didn’t get a chance to talk to you earlier.”

It was very difficult to stay aloof with him. Natalie thought back to her earlier angst and wondered again if he was telling her the truth. “Yes, I am. I’m very excited about it.” She settled back against the pillows and forced a calm friendliness to her voice. “So tell me about this training course. What will you be learning? Is it for work? Or do you have a secret hobby? Go on—you’re learning pole-dancing, aren’t you?”

He didn’t chuckle, as she expected, and her heart sank. “It’s a team building thing,” he said. “I don’t really know what we’re going to be doing.”

She wasn’t convinced in the slightest. “Where is it being held? Some outdoor retreat? I bet you spend all your time abseiling and rock climbing.”

“It’s somewhere in Auckland.”

Natalie crossed her fingers for luck, and dove right in. This would be the make or break question. “Wow. I live right in the city. I’m going to have some mobility, so if you like, we could meet up for a coffee one evening? It would be fun to put a face to the voice.” The silence deafened her. Well, didn’t that tell her everything she needed to know? She swallowed and nearly choked on the lump that had appeared in her throat. He still didn’t say anything. “It was just a thought. No big deal. I’m sure you’ll be too busy.”

She heard him clearing his throat.
Here we go. Excuse number one coming right up.

“Sorry, Natalie. I doubt I’ll have a minute to myself,” he said.

Yep, she expected that. She waited, half expecting excuse number two.

“Maybe some other time?”

“Sure.” Stupid, weak tears pressed at the backs of her eyes. When had she become so emotional? Was it all the stress of going into hospital? Natalie wished she could slip back to her cool former self. Pre-Lucas and his French lessons. Even so, she still couldn’t bear to hang up on him right away. “How are the plans coming along for your trip to France? Have you decided where you’ll be going?”

“Uh, no.” If anything, he sounded even more uncomfortable. “It’s all very vague.”

“Right.” A heavy silence fell between them. Natalie was stuck for words and was glad when Lucas spoke first.

“I guess you need to get some sleep, and I need to pack my stuff for tomorrow.”

“Yes, you must do that. Goodnight, Lucas.”

“
Bonne nuit
, Natalie.”

Lucas had a few minutes alone at the airport, when Sarah went to buy some coffees, and he phoned Natalie. He needed to hear her voice—that small hint of normality in his fucked up life.

She answered immediately. “Lucas.” She sounded surprised, pleased even. “I thought you would be busy.”

“I’m at the airport. I only have a few minutes.” He paused and shifted position slightly, to find a quieter spot. “I hope it all goes well today. I’ll be thinking about you.” He heard rustling down the line, and then a creaking noise.

“I’m practicing with my crutches. It’s a nice surprise to hear from you.” Her voice softened. “You sound stressed. Do you hate flying?”

Natalie’s velvet accent was working, soothing him like a charm. He took a quick breath, and spoke before he lost his nerve. “I hate having to spend a week forced to endure other people’s company. I guess I’m not very sociable. I don’t know anybody else that’s going, and I’m sure I’ll be grumpy as sin. I’d much rather not go, but I have to.”

“I felt like that every time I had to start a new school. We moved so frequently around France, I hadn’t even learned the other children’s names before we were gone again. I became quite adept at making my own amusement. I developed a reputation for being this stuck-up snob, when in reality I was too shy to talk to anyone.”

Sarah’s perfume filled his nostrils, and he felt a familiar tap on his arm. He had to go. Funny, though. Even a short conversation with Natalie, and he felt better. “I’m sorry. It’s time for my flight,” he said.

“Don’t apologize. I enjoyed talking to you. Take care, Lucas.”

He tucked the phone into his bag, feeling carefully for the zip to fasten the pocket securely, before accepting the hot coffee from Sarah. “That was Natalie. She goes home from hospital today.”

“That’s good. Have you thought any more about meeting up with her? She sounds nice.”

“Sarah.” Lucas shook his head. “I haven’t told her. I can’t.”

“It’s just one part of you, little brother. Alice was a total bitch. You know that.”

He winced at his ex-wife’s name. He couldn’t help it.

“She wanted an excuse to leave you, and losing your sight was perfect for her. You know that, even if you don’t want to admit it.”

Lucas took a sip of his coffee and tried to focus on Sarah’s words. Could she be right? He’d dreamed of Natalie again last night. Most nights recently she snuck into his dreams, and they were always happy ones when she was there. She looked just as gorgeous as he imagined, and they walked along a beach together, hand in hand, pausing to kiss every so often.

If Sarah was right, and this course gave him more independence, would he man up and tell Natalie?

*

Going home turned out to be exhausting for Natalie. She hobbled round her apartment and enjoyed being with her possessions again. The antique furniture her mother had bought and the collection of small watercolors from her father were like old friends. Her beloved piano sat in the corner, and she stroked tired fingers across the keys. It would be weeks before she could play it properly again. She settled for listening to a soothing CD by her favorite composer, Erik Satie. As the haunting tones of 3-Gymnopedies filled the room, she sprawled on her bed, Holly in her arms. Once again, her phone woke her.

“Natalie.” Lucas sounded bright and cheery, and the polar opposite of how he’d been that morning. “How are you? Glad to be home?”

She blinked and rubbed gritty eyes. “Hello. Yes, I’m home. It’s all good. You sound different. Is the course better than you thought?”

“Yeah. I had a couple of beers and sneaked back to my room early.” He chuckled, and she felt an answering smile break out on her face.

“Will you get into trouble?”

“Nah.”

“So what have you been doing? Team building, wasn’t it?”

“Yep. There was an obstacle course, a kind of treasure hunt, and yeah, other stuff like that. It was okay.”

“You sound much more relaxed. What are the other people like?”

He hesitated. “They’re cool,” he said finally, as though he’d been searching for the right word to describe his fellow students. “Natalie, I wanted to ask you something.”

“Sure.” She ran a hand over her eyes and smoothed back her hair. Stupid. He couldn’t see her.

“My office is hosting the annual conference this year. In Wellington.” Natalie frowned, puzzled at the sudden unsteadiness in his voice. “It’s next month. Will you be coming down for it?”

For a moment, she forgot how to breathe. He waited silently, and she cast around for a reply. “I might be.” She swallowed. “I usually go for at least part of it.”

“Great. So if you want to, we could meet up? Just for a coffee. If you want to.”

Natalie released her held breath with an ecstatic whoosh of air. “Yes. Let’s do that.” She knew she had a crazy grin on her face. He wanted to meet her. Anxiety drummed at her. One chance to make a good impression on Lucas, and she’d grab it with both hands. She just needed to keep her arms covered.

What the hell had he done?

Lucas couldn’t believe how reckless he’d been the night before. Three beers and a belly full of Dutch courage, and he’d asked Natalie to meet him. His drunken reasoning had made perfect sense at the time. The conference was nearly a month away. Plenty of time to tell her about his disability. And if they’d drifted apart by that time, nothing would have been lost. The worst he’d have to endure would be a near-silent, pity-filled coffee date.

However, his confidence was boosted by the exercises on day two of the course. Lucas discovered that his remaining vision, while negligible to him, was much better than that of his team-mates, and they treated him with reverence and respect. He fell into a natural leadership role, a place that was comfortable and familiar, and with that mental shift, he began to enjoy himself. Sarah had been right. He was learning skills that would make him more self-sufficient. Instead of wallowing in his disability, he was learning ways around it.

He rang  Natalie late in the evening again. “
Bon soiree
,.”

“Good evening, Lucas. How did you get on today?”

“Good. Yeah, it’s going better than I thought.”

“Superb.” She pronounced it in the French way. “Now let’s do some more French. You are in the bakers with me, and I say,
‘Je voudrais deux baguettes et des petits pains aux raisins.’
What have I just asked for?”

He laughed. How things had changed, in the space of a few days.

“Lucas, I don’t hear you translating.” She spoke in a gentle sing-song fashion, teasing him.

“Uh, baguettes are bread, and something with raisins?”

“Maybe I’d better tell you how to order a burger and chips instead?”

“And a beer.” He liked being so comfortable with her. “And teach me how to swear. I want to know how to swear at bad tempered taxi drivers.”

“Hmmm. I’ll think about it. You might say something rude to me.”

“Never.” He adopted a shocked tone, but he meant it. He wanted to say something nice to her, but right now his brain was filled with baguettes and raisins. Natalie repeated her sentence slowly, translating as she went, and Lucas racked his brains. “
Tu es genial
,” he blurted.

Natalie paused for a second, and then murmured something he didn’t quite catch.

“Did I say that right?” He hoped he hadn’t messed up.

“
Oui
, Lucas.” He could hear the smile in her voice. “Thank you. You’re pretty awesome too.”

*

They had a new and easy routine. Lucas phoned Natalie every evening, while on his course, and he continued when he was back at work. They talked about anything and everything. His parents, retired and living happily on the South Island. Her grandmother and various other relatives, scattered across Europe. It felt natural.

“How old are you, and what do you look like, Natalie? I have a mental image of you, and I’m curious to know how close I am.”

It was a lazy Sunday afternoon, and Natalie had been half expecting the questions that arose.
I’m damaged
. “I’m twenty six. Not very tall, quite slim, with dark hair and brown eyes. How about you?"

“That’s how I imagined you. Petite and dark.” He sounded pleased. “I’m twenty eight. I’m average height, I guess. I keep my hair short too.” He gave a short, self-conscious laugh. “I don’t know what else to say. I’m just me.”

Natalie was keen to steer the conversation onto safer ground. “Was Molly pleased to see you again?”

“God, yes. She was so excited. We spent about an hour at the park, playing with the Frisbee. I think it’s her favorite toy.”

“What did you do with her while you were away?”

“My sister looked after her. Sarah doesn’t live far away.”

“I’d love to see her when I come to Wellington. Molly, that is. You know how much I adore dogs.”

“Yes, she’ll be with me.” He hesitated. “There’s something I need to tell you, Natalie.”

Whatever it was, Lucas sounded far too serious, and Natalie’s stomach clenched. She didn’t want to hear something bad. “It’s a beautiful Sunday afternoon, and I’m sitting at the window, admiring the view. I hope you’re not planning to spoil my good mood.” She kept her voice light and playful.

He cleared his throat. “No, I won’t do that. It’s nothing. It can wait. Tell me what you can see. Describe it for me?”

“Sure.” She gazed out of the window again, and this time really looked, as though seeing it for the first time. “I live north of the city, across the motorway bridge in Northcote. There are lots of trees, and everything is leafy and green at the moment. I’m on the sixth floor, so I have a great view over the harbor. It’s spread out in front of me, and I can see a dozen or more tiny boats on the water. From here they look like toys in a giant’s bathtub. Beyond that, I can see the edge of the city and the Sky Tower. It’s a grey needle sticking up into the sky by day, but at night it’s all lit up and looks magnificent. I have to commute across the harbor bridge every day, but it’s worth it, for this view.”

*

Lucas knew he’d missed the perfect time to tell Natalie. How hard could it be?
I’m losing my sight. I will be totally blind within the next two years. Molly is training to be my guide dog.
Damn it all to hell. Natalie’s simple reminder of the fundamental difference between them had stopped him in his tracks. There would be other chances. He would
make
the opportunity.

After hanging up with her, he walked carefully to his small balcony and sank into one of the seats. He knew it was sunny, because the heat burned his face and the bright light dazzled him to the point that he lost even the last trace of his vision. He’d loved this apartment from the day he first saw it. That had been when he was dating Alice, when his sight was still almost intact, and he could gaze for hours at his own amazing view. He’d been sensible and leased the apartment to a tenant for the duration of his brief marriage, and then moved back in after his divorce. A well-meaning colleague had asked why he stayed there when the whole point of the location was to enjoy the perfect view of Oriental Bay—the view he could no longer see. The reason was simple. Lucas had been happy there and he couldn’t bear the thought of moving.

He fell asleep that night thinking about Natalie, and for the first time, he dreamed of them sharing a bed. His bed.

She lay beneath him, her skin soft and perfumed as he slid into her. “Lucas.” She moaned his name and held him close and made him feel like a million dollars.

When he woke up, he felt as happily exhausted as if he’d really spent the night making love to her.

****

Dave was unusually quiet on Monday morning, and mostly left Lucas alone to focus on his work. Lucas continued to keep a close watch on Natalie’s customers, in particular the demanding people at Bryce Electronics. Natalie’s colleague, Deema, was looking after the account in Natalie’s absence, but he knew how finicky Bryce could be and didn’t want things to turn sour while they were outside Natalie’s control.

There was a large shipment due to leave today, as part of an implementation project, and he dropped into the warehouse system to check on its progress. Instead of showing as ‘Ready-to-Ship,’ the status was ‘Pending.’ Huh? It was quickest to talk to the guys in the dispatch team, so he speed-dialed Eric.

“Hey, Lucas. That one will be another week, pending stock.”

“Everything was allocated yesterday. What happened?”

“The priority was reduced, and I reallocated the system units to a Masons’ order that had been red-flagged.”

That made sense if Masons had a more urgent need, but it was annoying that Lucas hadn’t been told. Bryce always wanted everything straight away, and he knew this shipment was part of a bigger picture. “I wish you’d said something. Did the sales team approve the delay?”

Eric hesitated. “No.”

Warning bells rang inside Lucas’s head. “Who asked you to reallocate to Masons?” He knew the answer before Eric confirmed it.

“Dave Finlay. He said he’d talked it through with you.”

As soon as he was finished with Eric, Lucas stood and placed one hand on the desk partition. Even over the voices and clattering keyboards in the busy office, he could tell Dave was there. “Dude, you never asked me about taking the system units from my Bryce order. They were expecting it to go out today.”

Silence met his angry words, followed by a shuffling noise as Dave rolled his chair back. “We talked about it.”

“No we didn’t.”

“When you took the laptops the other week, you said I could come to you if I needed any help.”

Times like this, Lucas felt even more hampered by his disability. What he’d give to be able to see Dave’s body language and the expression on his face. Was he lying or just mistaken? “There’s a big difference between asking for help and helping yourself to the stock I’d allocated. Someone has to go back to Bryce and explain why their order won’t ship today.”

“That’s what account managers are for,” Dave said.

“Their account manager is Natalie, as you know, and she’s off sick, as you also know.”

“I’m sorry.” Dave sounded anything but.

All Lucas could do was e-mail Deema to warn about the delay. With that done, he went back to work, and tried very hard to rein back his anger. He’d bet Dave wouldn’t have tried a stunt like that with anyone else, and the idea infuriated him.

****

The next two weeks raced by at work. Natalie wouldn’t be back in her office until just after the conference, and so they spoke every night and weekend, and she e-mailed him French exercises to work on during the day. Still he didn’t say anything about his sight. His secret weighed him down, and the longer he hid it, the harder it became to say anything.