Second Thoughts (36 page)

She opened her mouth, probably to deny it, but hesitated. “I can't say I didn't want you to come home. But even though I know it's hard, I think you made the right choice. For you. It's your turn now—you lived my crazy life with me for plenty of years.”

“I liked your crazy life.”

“Me too. But I think it's time for both of us to settle down…for a while, anyway.”

“I'm scared.”

“Me too, sweetie,” she admitted, squeezing my hand. “But let's try it anyway, okay?”

When I told her what I was planning to do, she didn't even seem surprised.

W
hen Amy came home later, I was laying on my bed, still wearing my graduation dress while I stared at the ceiling and squeezed my stress ball. My stress avocado, as my roommate called it, which is really what it looked like. It was a multi-purpose avocado, good not only for stress but for strength-building after broken wrists. I was currently trying to build up the strength to walk across the street.

“Hey,” Amy said gently. The door shut behind her and she slipped off her shoes before she sat on the end of my bed. Our room was as bare as I'd ever seen it, the majority of our things packed and ready to go if not already gone, which was compounding my sadness. “You okay?”

I shook my head. “I'm just…”

“Yeah, I know.” She took a deep breath. “Last night here, huh?”

“I can't believe it.”

“Me either. I'm…really going to miss this place.”

“Yeah,” I said. It came from low in my throat, sounding husky and soft. Amy leaned into me, until my knees were propping her up, and
took it upon herself to fill the emptiness in our room with her good cheer, something she'd only just found again.

“I
love
that restaurant though, don't you? Caleb had never been before. Lobster Fricassee is, like, crazy delicious. My mom says it's passé but
whatever.
It's so good. I love this dress on you. You should wear white all the time, you know, it looks awesome on you. White and black, that's all you need. And no offense or anything, but your uncle is kind of hot.” She sat up and turned a little to wink at me and I giggled.

“Uncle Tommy? Yeah, I guess he probably is.” Actually, I was sure he was. So, too, was Uncle Tommy. He was younger than my aunt and just as pretty, but not so tiny, and had the most perfect white teeth. “He's a science teacher, you know—physics was his specialty.”

“No way! Must be a lot of girls in class hot for Mr. Espinosa. I don't think I'd be able to concentrate if he'd been my teacher, and I
love
physics.”

“I know.” I tugged on one of her curls. “That's just his ‘fun' career though, he says. He makes his ‘real' living doing some modeling for advertisements. You noticed the teeth? I call him Tio Trouble because he always finds it. I think he's a bachelor 'til the end, which makes my grandparents sad. Between him and Aunt Tessa, they'll probably only get me as a grandkid.”

“Your aunt could still surprise them.”

“I hope so. I'd be an awesome big sister.” Of course she could always adopt—she'd adopted
me
—but Aunt Tessa was just young enough to still have her own baby, and I knew she thought about it. I wondered if, maybe now that she was committed to staying in one place, she would.

“She seemed really friendly with another attractive bachelor…He's kind of old, but Senator Astor is—”

My little twin mattress rocked like a waterbed when I swung my legs over the side and stood up. Amy basically fell into the rumpled blankets without me to hold her up. “Hey!”

“Sorry. I'm…going over to Carter's.”

“Nice!” She propped her head up on her elbow. “Why didn't you just say so? I won't wait up.”

“No, you can, well, you don't have to, but…I'll be back.”

“Seriously? Why come back? There's no curfew tonight, Lainey baby.” She smiled as she stood and stretched. I knew the only reason Amy was staying in our room was because Caleb was already gone. With his brother's help, he'd been fully moved out before the ceremony.

“It's our last night.”

“Psht. I mean, I know, but you're sleeping over at my house
tomorrow.
Do something reckless tonight.”

Reckless? No. What I was about to do was horribly, terribly calculated. I pushed my feet into shoes I wasn't even sure matched and headed for the door. “Just…I'll be back.”

It must have been the look on my face, or the catch in my voice, that tipped her off. Her eyes grew so wide I could see myself reflected in them. She knew. Maybe not exactly what was about to happen, but
something.

“Lane?” she called but I was almost out the door. “What are you going to do? Lainey?!”

I
T WAS ALMOST
curfew, but as Amy had pointed out, that was inconsequential. I'd just graduated; they couldn't kick me out. They couldn't possibly do
anything
to me worse than what I was about to do. The first bells started to ring as I stood at the back door to the bookstore, shivering while I worked up the courage to climb the stairs.

For months Carter told me, over and over, how he'd never hurt me, and he believed it. For a long time, I'd believed it too. I knew he'd never harm me on purpose and he didn't think he was capable. But neither of us knew he'd do whatever our uncle wanted.

And it never once crossed his mind that
I'd
be the one to hurt
him.

There was a moment, many moments, when I could have changed everything. Right up until this afternoon on the graduation stage. Probably even now, I could call Daniel Astor or walk to Dr. Stewart's and tell either of them I'd changed my mind. I could agree to work for the Perceptum.

But I was a coward. A selfish coward. I recognized at the end the other option Dan was offering me: the chance for escape. The cost was high, but not as high as my life, and I wasn't sure I wouldn't have to pay it anyway. This was the choice I hadn't seen I could take, the one I wouldn't have wanted to see anyway, because of the thing I'd been blind to all along—it
wasn't
all about me. I'd been guilty of that a lot this year, failing to see beyond myself. Maybe I deserved this.

Or was it a different kind of punishment? Twice now I'd tampered with fate, changed the future. Once was selfless, but the second time? I'd begged God, the Goddess, the Universe, whoever would help me, not to let me die. And they'd listened. But were they benevolent or malevolent? Had I unwittingly traded a terrible fate for a worse one? I didn't want to believe that, but right about now, it felt like it.

Because it was late, I knocked on the kitchen door before I opened it even though I wasn't really expected to anymore. Carter leaned out of his room at the sound and he smiled the most beautiful smile at the unexpected sight of me coming down the hall. “This surprise just made my night,” he said. I was supremely glad to see he was wearing wind pants and a T-shirt, which meant he was still up reading or playing a video game. I'd delayed for so long, I was afraid he might already
have been in bed. We were supposed to leave early tomorrow, which meant he'd get up even earlier to run.

When I got to his doorway, he embraced me. “Hey, beautiful.” The stiffness in my posture was his first clue that all was not well. “I thought you said you were exhausted and we'd just see each other tomorrow. What's up?”

Behind me, I closed the door. I took one, two small steps into the room, afraid to move any further into his space or closer to him. “I'm sorry it's so late.” I cleared my throat. “But I wanted to talk to you.”

“Okay…” He looked around as if a little lost and then sat down on his chair, but not comfortably. He leaned forward with his elbows on his knees and waited for me to go on. Only one lamp was lit, and over his shoulder I could see a game, hockey maybe, on pause.

“I'm leaving in the morning.”

“I know,” he said. “I'll be there.” He laughed, like I was being silly, and for half a second, he started to relax. But when I didn't smile, or move, or laugh along, he sat up straighter. Between us, his hand hovered in the air, beckoning me to come closer, but he dropped it after a while. I wasn't close enough to touch anyway, which contributed to the tension in the room. He knew there was something wrong even if he couldn't understand what.

I doubted he'd ever understand.

“By myself,” I clarified and the confusion started to set in.

“You don't want me to drive with you?”

I swallowed, hard, and then met his eye. “I don't want you to come at all.” I'd planned those words, practiced them in my head, and I'd meant them to sound hard, more determined. Instead, they sounded broken and unsure. But I said them.

“What?” He was standing now, coming closer.

“I'm sorry. I…I love you, but—”

“Lainey?
What's going on?”

After a deep breath, I said, “I can't do this with you.”

It was only a few steps, and he reached me in seconds, putting his hands on my shoulders and pulling me closer. “Is
this
why you were crying? Lainey. We can do
anything
together. We've proven that.”

I stepped backwards, out from under his touch, until my back hit the door. He didn't try to hold me. “I know,” I said. Speaking the next words was equivalent to dragging my heart out through my throat and throwing it at my feet. I wanted to do anything,
anything,
other than say them, except for die. “But I don't want to.”

He inhaled audibly and stared at me for a few seconds. Around us the air seemed to tighten, heavy and thick with a kind of anticipation, or disbelief. I was reminded of the first time we met, on the second floor of the bookstore, in the
Rarities and First Editions
section, when I told him I was a Legacy who didn't know who she was and everything changed. It was still my favorite part of the store and I went up there all the time, just to look at the books and remember. After this, I knew I wouldn't really be welcome there anymore.

“What are you saying?” he finally responded. “Are you…are you breaking up with me?”

I stomped on my heart, and his, a few more times when I told him, “Yes. That's what I'm saying.”

He shook his head, making his caramel waves catch the lamplight and look something like a halo. “No. This…No, Lainey. I love you. Has…the vision hasn't come back, has it? I thought—”

“No. It's totally gone. I don't even think about it anymore.”

“This isn't…” He paused, bewildered. He seemed to waver and then sat on his bed, dragging his fingers through his hair. “This is
crazy,”
he said. Then tentatively, “Is this about what happened at the range? Did something—I swear—” He touched three fingers to his forehead, pushing hard enough to leave a red mark and I knew he
knew. Something was wrong with his memory, but he couldn't remember what. “You've been different ever since.”

“No! I mean, it's—” I grabbed on to his reason and let my mouth run, infusing it with some of my real fears to make it ring true. “Yes, sort of. But, it's mostly about me. I could have died, at the range, if your gun had been loaded, or you could have. I've almost died
three times
in the last year. Being with you, it's dangerous.” When he started to protest, I cut him off. “N…not just physically. I'm only eighteen. This is too much pressure. You knew…you knew this summer, when you said you'd follow me, you knew I was scared. I should have told you then. I should never have agreed. I love you, but I need to be me, to—to figure out who that even
is
…I
have
to do this. By myself.”

He was staring at me, and I could see it. See how he didn't
want
to believe me, but he did. I watched the tears pool in his eyes while his heart began to break, little shards of it stabbing me as they fell and mingled with the broken pieces of mine that already surrounded us.

“Maybe…” I shouldn't have said what I said next, shouldn't have given him any line of hope, but it was for me, too. “Maybe someday. We can be together again.” Those five words came out in a rush, because they were dangerous. “But not right now.”

His voice cracked and he dropped his head into his hands. “When?”

“I don't know. Just not right now.” At the end, I whispered what I feared was true: “Maybe never.”

When he looked back up at me, with an expression of pain and desperation I'd never known his features could form, it felt like actually shooting him, or myself, would have been less painful than what I was doing now. “Please. Lainey. Don't do this.” The tears in his eyes spilled over and if he said my name one more time, so help me, I would split in two. “Please,” he repeated. “I love you.”

He held out his hand, reaching to me, pleading, and I did the only thing I could.

I ran.

If I touched him again, I'd never let go. I was wrong. I thought I wasn't willing to die to be with him, but I
was
dying. This was killing me, and Carter too. “I love you, too.” My voice broke as I backed out of his bedroom. Out of his life. “But I can't. I'm sorry.”

Melinda was in the kitchen, and I rushed past her without stopping. From the tears on her face I knew she'd heard enough to know this was goodbye.

“Lainey!” Carter called once more.

But I was already gone.

I
n the morning, up early after a restless, dreamless night, I folded the last of my things while I cried again. On her side of the room, Amy did the same. We were crying for different reasons, though not entirely. She was sad for me, too, and for Carter, who was her friend before I was.