Scarred Hearts (Blackrock) (43 page)
She answers after a few rings "Hello, oh my god Bailey. I thought something happened when you didn't answer" "Yeah sorry I fell asleep" I can hear the bar in the background "Are you having fun tonight?" she sighs "No its crap by myself, I miss you already" this girl is crazy but awesome "Yeah I miss you too but this time next week I will be home" "I know but it's not the same. He is acting like an asshole to everyone even Max and Max is pissed off so in turn I am pissed off" she groans at me. "Sorry Paige I know its drama right now but Max will be ok later when you guys are alone" I hear shouting as she talks but I can't hear her "Paige, Paige I can't hear you" the phone goes dead.
Well goodnight I say lowering myself into the bed, my phone rings again with a video chat from Paige "Hi, what happened?" she waves at me "Oh nothing some guy bumped Lucy and she dropped her tray" we both laugh knowing Lucy probably did it just to bend over. Paige turns her phone showing me the mess and yes Lucy's ass "Jesus Paige are you trying to kill me" I shout, turning the phone she laughs "I thought you would like to see that's all" I can hear Max "Who you talking to Paige" I see her wave him over then his face pops up behind her "Hi Max" He smiles "Awe look at you in bed all alone like a good little girl" I laugh at him "Who says I'm alone?" now Max laughs "Yeah ok Bailey, you think I'd believe that you have someone in your bed" he snorts at me and Paige slaps his arm, turning my phone I show him a stuffed cat "See I am not alone" he laughs at me "Jesus Bailey I always knew you were into hairy old dudes" Paige elbows Max and they both look up. I guess Knox is watching them "Ok I'll let you guys go" I wave at them. Paige blows me a kiss and Max grabs the phone kissing the camera "Night Bailey, we love you" they say hanging up. Over the next few days I am busy with this class, it is really interesting and I am taking notes on my notes and all the handouts available. By Thursday night I am feeling pretty lonely, I have a shower and dinner now I am just laying here thinking. Mostly about Knox, I am not sure I understand why he did what he did but the more I try to rationalize it the more afraid I become. Maybe he still loves her but is afraid to tell me maybe he just want's out but won't say it. Jesus my head hurts.
For the past few nights I have cried myself asleep, I miss him so much it hurts. Every time I close my eyes though I see them, I see his hand in her hair the way he puts it in mine. My mind plays tricks on me; it plays the scene but alters the ending. One was of Knox turning to me laughing telling me it was her all along who he wanted. Another was of both of them smiling at each other looking really in love. It hurts, this pain I feel, and it is nearly as bad as loosing Summer. I can feel the empty blackness hovering around me, waiting to attack if I let down my wall for even a second. I don't want it anymore numbness is not living. Knox is what I want but can I allow myself to open to him again, can I put what is left of my heart on the line again for him.
Closing my eyes I feel the pain build in my chest, allowing myself to feel it, to be consumed by it causes my body to rack with sobs. I cry for my broken heart, for the love I still have for him, for not knowing how I am going to tell him I love him still without getting hurt again. I cry to the point of sickness, racing for the bathroom I retch over and over knowing this is not good. My body won't stop convulsing every sob stabs my heart, every retch rips my stomach to pieces, eventually I can lay on the bathroom floor holding my stomach rocking back and forth hoping sleep will find me soon, My body is sweating but I am freezing and the pain is always with me.
I am jarred awake by the hotel phone; the smell of my own vomit makes me gag. Flushing the toilet I run out of the bathroom grabbing the phone, it is only the automatic wake up call. Six am, my throat hurts and my stomach is on fire, on shaky legs I walk back to the bathroom turning on the shower. The room smells awful so I spray my perfume in the air, which only helps for a minute. The water is hot but not in the way I need it to be, it's my last day here. I don't want to wait until tomorrow to leave maybe I can find an earlier flight. Allowing the water to run down my face and body helps to sooth the exterior part of me, what I really need is to run, and keep running until I fall from exhaustion.
Getting dressed takes two minutes, jeans and a sweater. I open my laptop to change my flight for this evening; I know we will be finished at noon today. Searching I finally found one for four o'clock local time arriving back home at six in the evening local time, which will work. I see my phone light up on the nightstand, grabbing it I see a voicemail. Sliding my thumb across the screen its from Knox, its now seven am so it is four am at home, I hesitate with my thumb hovering over the play button. What if this is it, what if he is telling me we are over via voicemail. Dread is plaguing me weighing in my gut like a boulder; taking a deep breath I press the button holding the phone to my ear. At first it's silent then I hear a guitar strumming, crap more tears. Knox's beautiful voice fills my ears singing "The reason" with every emotion he has he sings to me, I can hear pain, love and hope in his voice. Tears are sliding down my cheeks and my heart breaks again wanting to hold him in my arms now more than ever. When the song is over I hear him whisper, "I'm sorry" before he hangs up.
I listen to it again saving it to my music selection, today is going to be hard because all I want to do is go home and be with him.
Knox
Its Saturday night again but this time Bailey is on the other side of the country. I miss her and I want everyone to know it, Max and Paige are talking on the phone while watch Lucy fucking flip her tray. This chick is useless I don't know why she is even here; I grab the dustpan and brush from the back practically throwing them at her to clean up her mess, idiot.
I can hear Max and Paige joking around on the phone about someone sleeping with old hairy dudes, that's when I hear her voice, her sweet beautiful voice like nectar to a bee. I want to rip the phone out of Paige's hand so I can see her; even more I want to fly there to be with her. Paige puts her phone away looking at me with pity. I don't need her fucking pity I need my baby back in my arms forgiving me and allowing me to love her again. This night is shit; this whole week will be shit. I am tired of hearing the same people sing the same songs every week, Gemma is doing her song again and I can't take it.
"Max I am going for some dinner, do you want anything brought back?" I ask not really waiting for an answer I just need to get out of here. "Yeah a sub" he shouts as I exit the side door, my eyes automatically go her parking spot which is empty. Fuck! Why did I do it, why did I need to prove anything to her, all week she has been laughing in class with her friends but I am not falling for it she can go fuck off. I am determined to get Bailey back and I don't care how long it takes I'll wait for her.
I decide to go to Little Italy for dinner at least Max can have his meatball sub, I should have made dinner but I don't feel like cooking anymore much to everyone's disappointment. I don't even pay the waitress any attention just follow her to my seat like a robot, I know what I want so I tell her and order a beer as well. Sitting there minding my own business when I see a shadow fall across my table, I hear noise coming from it but I don't know what it's saying. Looking up I see my uncle George staring at me with his arms crossed "Did you hear me?" he asks looking pissed, letting out a sigh "No I didn't" I snap at him. Sitting down opposite me he looks at me for a long time before speaking "You are just like your mother you know?"
"What do you mean" I am not in the mood for this, "When something is bothering you, you keep it inside until it grows and festers becoming toxic" I watch him for a minute as he plays with the corner of the menu. "I fucked up," I say shrugging my shoulders.
He nods his head ordering a beer as the waitress passes "So what did you do that causes you to believe that?" I snort shaking my head "I let Lindsey play me again breaking Bailey's heart in the process" my food and our beers arrive, I am not even hungry anymore my uncle is watching me "What happened?" his tone much softer than usual. Drinking my beer to stop the ache in my throat that is threatening to bring me to tears I look at him "I kissed Lindsey and Bailey saw it" my uncle looks shocked but recovers quickly, he drinks his beer as I pick at my handmade pizza realizing I ordered Bailey's favorite not mine.
"Start from the start" my uncle, announces, fuck. I tell him every detail and every word of that night trying not to break down in front of him and the whole damn place. "You love this Bailey girl?" he asks at the end of my story, I nod swallowing the lump in my throat "Then you better get your shit together and prove it to her" he says slapping the table. "I know that, what do think I have been doing" I look at him looking at me then he huffs at me "You Knox Porter have been moping around the fucking house, acting like an asshole at home and in the bar. Get your shit together before she comes home and tell her how you feel. I didn't know you two were in love but I hope for all our sakes it works out" with that being said he gets up and leaves.
I order Max's sub to go feeling a little better about things. I just need to show Bailey I still love her and I am not going to stop and how sorry I am for being a dumb ass in the first place. Max and Paige head into the back to eat while I take care of the bar, being friendly Knox again. Then she walks in, I can feel my anger rising but I keep it in check. Her friends are the same bunch she hung out with the first time round all a bunch of back scratching hyenas.
I take a deep breath and serve with a smile they are not going to see me any other way. Max comes back out seeing them sitting at the bar "What the fuck are you doing here? You know there are like ten other bars around here," He says to her clearly pissed off, Lindsey ignores him as she used to do. "Max its cool, She is not affecting me," I say to him. He looks into my eyes "Knox, I don't want her anywhere near you or us. She is poison" he looks over his shoulder at her "I know she is but I love Bailey and I am going to get her to believe me again and that" I point in the mirror at Lindsey "Will have nothing to do with my life ever again"
*****
By Thursday night my new found self assuredness is beginning to falter, I have not stopped thinking about Bailey all week. I have even sat at her spot on the quad for lunch everyday even though I know she is not around. I can't stop seeing her face in my mind that night, she looked so hurt and broken, I did that to her, I feel like shit for hurting her. I can't sleep, haven't all week thinking about her hoping she is ok over there by herself, I wish I was with her. Holding her in my arms again, making love to her again. Jesus I miss her, looking at the moon through the open curtains I pick up my guitar, it helps me think. I remember all the songs I sang for her in the bar, I remember watching her dance for me. How could I have been so stupid to ruin all that, In a fit of madness I call her, it goes to voicemail so I hang up.
I play for another while thinking of her, the way she smells, her soft skin. The blush on her cheeks after we made love for the first time, Dialing her number again I wait for the beep then sign the only song I know that will tell how sorry I am, I sing my heart out to her hoping she will get my message, by the time the song is over I am holding back tears I can only manage a whispered sorry before I hang up and break down.
"Dad I'm home" I call walking into the house. I continue out into the hallway hearing him on the phone in his office, I knock on the door poking my head inside waving at him. He smiles waving back. Running up stairs I dump my bag then head down the back way to the kitchen to make a decent cup of coffee, making one for dad too as he walks into the kitchen. "Hi sweetheart" he says hugging me "Hi dad how was your week?" "Mine the usual, how come you're back early?" he takes his coffee opening the fridge he pulls out a box of doughnuts.
"Wow dad, I am gone for a week and you are munching on sweets" he laughs shaking his head "No I actually got them for you on my way home today as a surprise" I squint at him not believing him for a second. We sit drinking our coffee and eating doughnuts, I tell him all about my class and how amazing I thought it was "Sounds like it was a good experience" "Yeah it was, maybe when I graduate I will apply with the FBI" my dad looks impressed. My phone rings just as he about to say something, I see it's Paige so I silence it "Go ahead get it I have more calls to make anyway" standing up he kisses the top of my head.
I call Paige back when he leaves the kitchen "Hello" "Hi Paige" she squeals down the phone at me so I have to move it away from my ear "Bailey, I am so glad I got hold of you. Do you want to meet after you land tomorrow? We can have lunch" I smile "Sorry Paige but I just got home, I changed my flight" I can hear shuffling "What you are home already?" "Yes Paige I am home, I can meet you in town for dinner if you want to" she is making noises but saying nothing "I said I would meet Max and Knox for dinner at seven in the Indian" ok so they are meeting " That doesn't mean I can't go, does it? I mean if Knox doesn't want me there then I won't go" Paige cuts me off "No! No! Of course you can come I just thought you wouldn't want to see him," sighing I rub my face "Paige he is still my boyfriend we are just having a rough patch" "Ok Bailey, I will see you at seven" we hang up that was weird, is Knox not my boyfriend anymore? This shit has to stop.
I jump into a very hot shower relaxing immediately my muscles are enjoying the water while my skin protests its heat. I decide to wear my white lace shirt with a white tank underneath and my leather looking leggings with the rhinestone pockets and my riding boots. Just before seven I park at the bar, crap I am late. I walk fast down the block to the restaurant, when I arrive I see they are here, Knox is wearing black jeans and a white button down shirt looking every bit of TDH as the first day I saw him. Sitting beside him he does a double take "Hi" I say to everyone who are all just staring at me "What? Is someone else sitting here?" Knox shakes his head no so I shrug. "So, what's been happening while I was gone, any juicy gossip?" I ask looking at all three faces, Paige answers, "No, nothing unusual class was dull without you"
