Rock Stars Do It Harder (7 page)

Jamie tried to sit up, but couldn’t. She rolled to her back and met Anna’s worried blue eyes. “I got drunk.”

Anna frowned. “Well, that’s not too unusual, though, right?”

“No, Anna. I mean, really,
really
drunk. Blacked out drunk.”

“Oh.”

“And I woke up in a strange apartment.”

Anna winced. “Shit.”

“Yeah. Except it wasn’t really waking up, exactly. It was more…coming to…in the middle of having sex. With a guy I don’t remember meeting, whose name I didn’t know until afterward.”

Anna’s eyes slid closed. “
Jamie
.”

“I know. Shut up, though. It gets worse.”

“Worse? How the hell can it get worse?”

Jamie squeezed her eyes closed, near panic as the tears welled up. “There was another guy in the bed.” Anna made a strangled noise, but Jamie spoke over it. “He…I was on top, and the guy I was having sex with had his hands on my hips, you know how they do, holding on right where your legs meet your hips? Well, then I felt this other hand start touching my boobs. And then I saw this guy behind me. God, Anna. You don’t understand how drunk I was. It was hard to see anything. Like, past seeing double. I saw this guy, right? And you know what he was about to do? Yeah, you can guess, can’t you?”

“You didn’t, Jamie. Tell me you didn’t let him.”

“Hell no. He had his short little chode-dick in his hand and he was…god I’m gonna puke again…he was tickling my asscrack with it.”

Anna put two fingers to her mouth and puffed out her cheeks, making a heaving noise.
 

Jamie laughed, a choked, humorless sound. “This is the best part though. Or worst, depending on how you look at it. You know what this guy said to me? As he was about to anally penetrate me, he said, and I quote, ‘Are you ready for Big Ben?’”
 

Anna blinked several times, processing. “Are you serious? He actually said that?”

“Yes, he did. And no, he wasn’t joking. His name was Ben, and he named his dick Big Ben.”

“That’s…I don’t even know what that is. Terrible. Funny, but terrible.”

Jamie nodded. “Yeah. So I put a stop to the anal real fast. But I guess I lied when I said that was the worst part.”

Anna covered her face with her hand. “There’s
more
?”

Jamie closed her eyes and drew a deep, shuddering breath. “Let me just preface this with a reminder that I was still drunk and I had no idea what was happening. I think I thought it was all a bad dream, or something. I still want to think it was. But…anyway. This Ben guy. He was sitting there, all pouty, with this pathetic hard-on. And he begged me to help him out.”

“You didn’t. Please Baby Jesus, tell me you didn’t go down on him.”

“Well no, I didn’t do that. I gave him a hand job. I have this image in my head, now. I mean, I didn’t want to touch his dick. But part of me seemed to be…I don’t know…acting by itself or something. I watched my hand reach out of its own volition and grab him. I closed my eyes at that point, but I can’t get this memory out of my head of him coming on my hand. With the right guy, I don’t mind that, you know? I mean, I’m not a money shot kind of girl—that’s nasty—but if I’m into the guy, I don’t mind having his come on me. But this guy…I can’t describe him ‘cause I swear to god I’ll puke again if I do. He was such a creeper. It wasn’t how he looked, exactly, it was just…him. I was getting dressed and this guy was just
staring
at me. Watching me get dressed. With what he’d said and was about to do to me…no lube, no prep, nothing? It was creepy.” Jamie shivered dramatically, choking back bile and tears.

Anna slumped back against the headboard. “Jamie. Ohmigod, Jamie. How—and
why
—do you get yourself into these situations?”

“I don’t know, Anna. I don’t know. I wish I knew,” Jamie heard herself say.

She knew it was a lie, though. She knew precisely why she’d gotten herself into that situation. She’d gone out drinking to drown out thoughts of
him
, of Chase. Then, at some point, she’d decided to try and erase her need for Chase with other guys.
 

She couldn’t tell Anna any of this, though.

What she said was, “Anna, I’m tired of being a slut.”

“You’re not—”

“I
am
. We’ve been over this. I…am…a…slut. I know it, and I own it. I like sex. I
love
sex. I’m a twelve-step program away from being a nymphomaniac.”

“So choose not to be.”
 

“It’s not that easy, Anna. I wish it was. I tried. I kept my vow from Vegas until now, no sex, not even my own fingers. Not even Mr. Pinky McVibrator. And you know how much I love my Mr. Pinky.”

“Yes, Jay. I know you love him. I loved my Mr. Pinky too.”

“Then you found Jeff and now you don’t need Mr. Pinky, ‘cause you have Mr. Long Hard and Attached to a Real Man Who Loves You.”

“So what happened?”

“I don’t know.” Jamie hated the lie, hated that she could see the knowledge of Jamie’s lie in Anna’s eyes.

“Jay. I’m your best friend. Tell me.”

“No.”

“
Ja
mie.”

“
An
na.”

“Okay, fine.” Anna stood up and paced away, grabbed her coffee and sipped it. “There’s something you’re not telling me. If you need your secrets, then fine, whatever.”
 

“It’s not that I don’t want to tell you. I just…can’t. Not yet.” Jamie managed to sit up as she said this.

The hurt in Anna’s eyes was more than Jamie could take. One tear slid down her cheek, and then another, and then a third, and then she was bawling helplessly, curled up around a pillow, wracked with bone-shuddering sobs.
 

Anna knew there was nothing to say, so she sat grabbed the box of Kleenex from the back of the toilet and sat down next to Jamie with it, stroking her curly red hair out of her face as she wept.
 

When the storm of tears quieted, Anna drew Jamie’s head into her lap and looked down at her best friend. “You know I love you, Jamie. You know I’ll never judge you. You know there’s nothing you could do to make me not be your best friend. I won’t ask you again. Just know…I’m here, okay? If and when you’re ready to spill, I’ll be ready to listen.”

“I know. And thanks.”

Anna drew a deep breath, and Jamie knew the ass-kicking was about to ensue. “You know too that I can’t let you get away with this bullshit without kicking your ass.”

“I know.”

“It’s not about the vow of celibacy, Jay. That was just my attempt to help you see that you can enjoy life and enjoy being yourself without sex. Especially without
cheap
sex.” Anna twirled the end of one of Jamie’s curls between her index finger and thumb. “But in the end, you have to want to be different inside yourself.”

“I know, Anna.”

“No, I don’t think you do.” Anna met Jamie’s eyes, her blue gaze hard, now. “Have some goddamn self-respect, Jamie. Quit putting out for chumps and douchebags. Wait for a real man, a good man. If that guy—
the
guy—comes along, and you have no standards, no self-respect, then he won’t respect you. And a guy that doesn’t respect you will walk all over you. You’ll be little more than his sex-slave. You have want better for yourself.”

Jamie couldn’t help the renewal of tears Anna’s brutally honest words engendered. “Easy for you to say.”

Anna drew back, stung. “Really? You think so? You were there when I was with Bruce. You think I just magically figured all this out? Everything that happened with Chase…running off to New York to fuck him, and then running back to Jeff? God, Jamie. I hate myself for leaving Jeff like I did. I was too chicken to see what I had with a damn good man who loved me, so I ran off to be with someone else. Someone like Chase.”

“What’s wrong with Chase?” Jamie couldn’t help defending him.
 

“Nothing. It’s not about Chase. He’s a good guy. He’ll make someone very happy someday, if he ever learns to settle down. But he’s a rockstar, and you can’t expect a rockstar to be faithful. I can’t live like that. He wouldn’t have been able to give me the attention and love I needed. He’s too focused on his career.”

“You don’t know that. Maybe he could have.”

Anna looked at Jamie with suspicion in her eyes. “No, maybe you’re right. But I’ve made my choice, and I don’t regret it for a moment. Chase wasn’t right for me. I didn’t love him. I never did. Maybe I could have, but I’ll never know that, will I? Why are you pushing this?”

Jamie wiped her eyes. “Sorry. I don’t know. I just…I don’t know. You have Jeff and you’re deliriously happy. I’m happy for you.” She couldn’t keep the jealousy out of her voice.”

Anna sighed. “It’ll happen for you, Jay. It will. Just…learn to be okay within yourself. For yourself. It’ll happen. Probably when you least expect it.”

Jamie felt exhaustion creeping over her. “I know. I will.” She peered up at Anna through sleep-heavy eyes. “Just make me one promise.”

“What?”

“Love me forever and be my BFF, no matter what?”

“You know it, hooker. No matter what.”

Jamie pretended to fall asleep, listening to Anna let herself out. Real sleep soon washed over her, but not before the inevitable thoughts of Chase made their way through her mind and heart.
 

She couldn’t tell Anna what she was feeling for Chase. Not yet. Maybe not ever. Anna had promised to be her BFF no matter what, but if Jamie and Chase were to be together, Anna would be reminded of everything that had happened between her and Chase every time she saw him. And considering how close Anna and Jamie were, that would be often.

Jamie sank into sleep, knowing Chase was an impossibility.

That didn’t stop her heart from crying out for him, or her body from needing him.

CHAPTER 4

Jamie sighed as she placed the last stack of folded Cacique panties on the display table. She’d been folding and putting away the stock order for hours, after an insanely busy Saturday afternoon rush. She was exhausted, emotionally, mentally, and physically.
 

It had been a little over two months since her drunken debauchery with Ben and Brad, and in the intervening weeks she’d kept almost strictly to herself. She worked a huge amount of hours at Lane Bryant as it was, then she’d been promoted to Assistant Manager and her hours had only increased.

The busyness had been good for her. She worked, went to the gym, and went home. She’d been studiously avoiding her drinking buddies, knowing if she went out with them, she’d fall right back into her old ways. Meaning, she’d end up doing the walk of shame again.

She’d gotten back on the celibacy wagon, which was good, but sucked. She was busy, she was in shape, and she was learning to be content by herself.

But then, that was the problem: Jamie was lonely.
 

Anna was busier than ever with Jeff and their ever-expanding DJ business, so Jamie didn’t even have her BFF to hang out with as much as she used to. That was fine, she told herself. Anna was happier than she’d ever been. Good for her.

Jamie was keeping her legs closed and staying off her back. That was a good thing.

Maybe when she met Mr. Right sex with him would be, like, the best ever. The problem was, if she was keeping to herself all the time, how was she supposed to meet him?

The other problem, the real problem, was that Chase wouldn’t leave her thoughts. She hadn’t seen him in nearly three months, and all those weeks, all those days hadn’t dulled her desire for him. He was still on her mind when she fell asleep, still in her heart when she sat in the bathtub with a bottle of wine and Mumford and Sons on repeat.
 

Yeah, she still drank too much, she just did it alone. Which was even more pathetic, in her opinion.

Jamie glanced around the store one last time, making sure everything was in place for the opener tomorrow morning. She’d let the other two girls go home early once the rush died down, so she was locking up alone.
 

Just as well. No one to goad her into going out with them.
 

She shut off the lights, locked the doors, and made her way across the parking lot, nose buried in her phone as she checked Facebook. The status updates weren’t helping, of course. It was Saturday night, just past midnight, and all her friends’ statuses were the same. Everyone was out, and drunk, and having a great time.
 

“Lynn tagged you in a photograph….” But of course, the pic was a self-taken shot of Lynn and her boyfriend Aaron making out at The Post Bar, and the caption was,
Jamie u whore where the fuck are you,
chica
! You should b partying with us rt now!

The Post Bar. Ugh. Posers and douchetards getting hammered and pretending to be cool.
 

That used to be me
, Jamie realized. Suddenly, it didn’t interest her as much. Yeah, she was turning into a lonely old hag, and she was probably only a few dozen cats away from being the cat lady, but for some reason going to the bar to get blitzed and flirt with guys who’d bathed in cologne and popped their collars and shuffled around in their Puma shoes just didn’t seem as appetizing as it used to be.

Jamie unlocked her Buick and opened the door, scrolling through her Facebook feed until she reached posts she’d already seen. She heard a vehicle approaching from behind her, but didn’t turn to look as she slid into her car, the leather cold on her thighs.
 

“Jamie!” A male voice called. “Get in!”

Jamie clapped her hand to her chest, having jumped clear off the seat in surprise. She glanced up to see Vince hanging out the window of his silver Excursion. Vince’s girlfriend Nina waved from the passenger seat, and then the window behind Vince’s rolled down to reveal the one face she couldn’t say no to: Lane, her openly gay
other
best friend.
 

“Jamie, darling, we’re going to Harpo’s,” Lane announced, throwing open the door, hopping out to drag Jamie towards the mammoth SUV. “We’ve got an extra ticket since my loser boyfriend got called in to work tonight. You’re coming.”

Jamie had to make a token effort to say no. “Lane, I can’t. I’m exhausted. I worked a double today,
and
we had the inventory order come in. I just want to go home and collapse.”