Rippled (13 page)

Four. Or is it five
?
Five days’ worth of pills. That should be more than enough to—

The vent fell away, but the pills were gone. Swallowing around the lump in my throat, I reached further into the vent. Maybe they’d just fallen back there
.
Dust covered my fingers. I found nothing else.

Damn, the nurses must’ve found them.

If they had, why was I still allowed back in my room? Rocking back on my heels, I let out a frustrated sigh.

They can’t just have up and disappeared like that. They were right here this morning. You were only gone an hour. Two at the most. Where the hell did they—

“You won’t find them there.” Brian’s voice floated from somewhere behind me.

My heart dropped, and I looked in his direction. Calm as ever, he stood just inside my quarters, arms over his chest as he leaned his back against the door—my only exit.

My eyes drifted back to the vent, missing the pills, then back at him. “What did you do with them? I need those.”

Brian stepped away from the door, closing the distance between us. “No, you don’t. You think you need them, when in fact you just want them. You want an easy way out, Kris. Thing is, you’re already halfway there.”

I slammed the vent shut and stood to face him. “I need them. I cannot stand this.” I gestured to my body. “You have no idea what I’ve been through.”

He cocked an eyebrow. “I don’t? Then tell me, who was the one who warned you about the withdrawal?”

“You did.” I bowed my head, even though I was still angry. “But what about the pain? What about the hallucinations? What if…?” I trailed off as my throat tightened around the words, around the thought of losing myself to this…this animal.

Brian took my hands in his and guided me over to the bed, offering me a glass of water that had somehow miraculously appeared on the nightstand. I opened my mouth to speak, but his finger against my lips stopped me. His eyes were gentle. Concerned. So, when he nodded to the glass of water, I lifted it to my lips and took a sip. Then another. Then I gulped the rest down.

“How did you know?” I asked, surprised at how thirsty I was.

“Dry mouth,” Brian said simply.

“Another side effect?” I lay down with his help.

“Something like that.”

When he came to join me, I didn’t stop him. Nothing about our being in bed together was sexual. He touched me for comfort, to assure me he was still there. That was it. No tearing of clothes, no sounds of frustration—just calm breaths and a touch that said ‘
I’m still here, and I’m not going anywhere’
.

Facing me, Brian said, “So, this pain and the hallucinations you mentioned—what were they like?”

I spoke while he stroked my hair. “It’s hard to describe.”

“Try.”

He was still my friend. Still my lover.
My master.
I had nowhere else to go. Nowhere to run. The pit of my stomach turned with the thought of telling him the truth, fearing that just remembering it would cause whatever it was to come back.

It’s still there.
I’d only managed to put it to sleep. Any sudden movements or loud noise would wake it, and I couldn’t promise anything after that.

Tell him. Maybe he’ll know what all this means.

Taking a breath, I curled up against his stomach. Not to be close. Not to cuddle. Just to feel him, to know he was still there. His fingertips on my scalp, on my cheek, weren’t enough.

Hug me. Hold me close. Don’t let me go. Don’t let me lose
.

When Brian’s arms wrapped around me, I finally spoke. “When I was on the table, something changed. I…I was thinking about the drugs.” My gaze jumped to the vent in my room before I looked back at him. “About how they could work…how they could help.”

He pressed his forehead against mine. “But deep down, you knew they wouldn’t.”

I nodded and struggled to speak. “That’s when it all started. I knew the drugs were fake, but I still hoped for the calm they’d always brought to me. I remember feeling…something. Then pain. Something clawing at the inside of my stomach.” I shook my head as I tried to remember. “I don’t know what came first, the pain or the black and white images.”

“Images of what?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. Spots? Just a sheet of white with black holes in it.”

“And do you see them now?”

“No. Not yet at least.”

“What about the pain?”

“Also gone.”

Brian smiled at me. “Welcome to your first shift…err, the first remembered one, anyway.”

I blinked at him. “My what?” I hadn’t changed forms, had I?

“Shifting can’t begin until your mind and body are clear. Cleansed from the drugs. What you described just now is the onset of your first
natural
shift.”

“So it’s happening then.”

“Soon. Within an hour or two.”

I sat up and looked around the room. “Should you really be here? With me? Locked in the same room as me?”

“Everything will be fine.”

He eased me back down onto the bed and tucked the covers around me. I wasn’t cold. In fact, it almost felt as if I was burning up.

He knows what’s going on better than you do.

I cuddled beneath the covers. Perhaps the shift acted the same way my endorphins did—setting my skin on fire until they were gone. Pretty soon I’d probably be shivering and asking for more blankets.

As if on cue, my body began to shake, but I still wasn’t cold. I was shaking from something else. Another part of myself I had yet to explore. To understand.

“Have sex with me.” It wasn’t a question. I needed something, anything to get my mind off the drugs Brian had thrown away, the same ones that weren’t in my system. “Please,” I begged, almost crying. “Just this once.”

“No.” Brian’s eyes softened. “Not like this. You aren’t in your own head. Now, close your eyes, and try to relax.”

The word ‘
relax’
and him lying in my bed were on different sides of the spectrum. I wanted to listen, but his body, his heartbeat and his flesh sent mixed signals. I couldn’t relax with him there, but I also knew I’d be a mess if he decided to leave.

You know, you don’t always have to ask for it.

I had more strength than before. I could easily straddle his legs and make him have sex with me. It was easy to see he wanted it as well. Every time he adjusted himself, I knew his mind was in the same gutter as mine, covered with just as much filth and desire. I flexed my hands. Twice. Three times.
I can do this.

I wouldn’t. Not when the pain was still there, when shifting was so close. I wasn’t sure how I knew, but I did. It was only a matter of minutes, an hour at the most, and I’d lose myself completely. But for now, my mind fought between thoughts of Brian, his hard cock and the shift I had yet to take—to accept. It was going to happen. Right there. In that very room. In front of Brian.
With Brian.

I imagined I could hear my clock ticking away, even though it had no hands to speak of. My heart raced. Slowed down. Stopped. I was still breathing. Still alive. Still human.

“There you go again,” Brian said, brushing a hand against my face. “I know it’s hard, but I need you to try and relax.”

I dropped my gaze to his belt, his button and zipper.
Look away.
I closed my eyes, but I knew it was there, his cock twitching under two layers of fabric. Out of sight, but still there. Relaxing was impossible. When I wasn’t thinking of ripping off his clothes, I was afraid the leopard inside me would tear him apart.

My mind was flooded. My body walked a thin line between then and now. I could fall one way or the other.

Not both.

I’d known the withdrawal was going to suck, just not this much. Brian had warned me, but I’d never drunk. I’d never even had a smoke.
As far as you know.
There was a part of my life I couldn’t remember. So, maybe I had done those things without actually knowing it. Even so, if doing either of those things meant going through this shit again, I’d probably never do them again.

Night sweats and chills were bad enough, and if those didn’t keep me up, the fucked-up nightmares did. I couldn’t eat. Couldn’t sleep. And I was going out of my fucking mind! Every inch of my skin burned—pricked with so much heat I was surprised I didn’t burst into flames.

Every sound was deafening. I could hear everything and nothing all at once.

No, that isn’t right.
I could hear everything—everyone—but damned if I had any idea what they were talking about. English was no longer a language to me. All I heard was complete and utter bullshit. Gibberish. That probably explained the headaches. I was trying to comprehend a language I couldn’t understand. Hell if I ever knew how. I couldn’t remember.

Except for Brian
.
Brian’s words came through clear as crystal. He was the only one I could hear and understand. I didn’t doubt the fact that I’d made up words for the nurses to say in place of whatever they might have actually said. They could’ve yelled at me, pushed me around, and I never would’ve known.

Tracing Brian’s skin with my fingers, I began to wonder how I’d look as a snow leopard. Would I like it? Would I even know the difference? What about my mind? Would it still be the same?

Licking my lips, I looked at Brian and said, “I need to ask you a stupid question.” I shook my head. “I don’t even know why I’m asking.”

He cocked an eyebrow at me as if to say ‘
Go on
’.

I opened and closed my mouth a few times, making sure the words felt right on my tongue before letting them out. “Does the muscle mass from your shifted form mirror how you look now?”

He nodded. “For the most part yes. Not by weight, but by your overall build.”

“I guess that means I’ll be a leopard with love handles.”

He brushed a hand against my cheek. “Your love handles aren’t so bad. I can’t even pinch an inch. Seriously, you’re too hard on yourself. That’s mostly from the drugs, anyway.”

“You’re just saying that.”

He held up his hands. “I’m telling the honest-to-God truth. These drugs can really fuck up your body.”

“And your mind,” I added.

“Yes. That too.”

“So, once they’re completely out of my system, I’ll go back down to my high-school weight?”

“Possibly. Not right away, though. It will take months. Of course, that all depends on if your high-school weight was the same as when you first got here.”

“Hard to say. I still don’t remember anything.”

“Your weight will eventually go back to what it was. We just need to get you off the drugs and make sure you’re more active.”

“Not sure if you noticed, but I don’t really care for exercise.”

“Oh? I’m pretty sure there’s at least one activity you enjoy.”

His cheeks coloured, and I had to keep from laughing. It made the tension in my temples even worse. Holding back anything at all right now hurt. And it was getting increasingly difficult.

Better to laugh or cry now and save your energy to hold back the shift.

Tears and helpless giggles could be excused. Turning into a snow leopard when you were supposed to be drugged? Not so much.

Brian continued when I didn’t say anything. “Besides, once you shift, you’ll want to run. And as I said before, leopard or human, whatever you do in one form applies to the other. We just have to get you to shift first.”

“And then to control it.”

“With time. But shifting for the first time is the most important part. Your body can’t remember what to do if you haven’t done it yet. Rather, if it hasn’t done it in a long time.”

“But I thought you said I was already into this shift.”

“You are. You mind is there. We just have to wait for your body to catch up.”

I winced and grabbed at my stomach from the imagined—remembered—pain from before. “So, what do we do for the next hour then?”

He drew arcs on my cheek with a thumb as his vision grew distant. “We wait.”

* * * *

As the minutes crept by, the pain in my stomach had gone from imagined to very real. The claws I’d experienced earlier had returned, along with another, stronger wave of nausea. Brian had let me stay under the covers for as long as he could, but when the fever started, he ordered me to get up.

Sweat covered most of my brow. My clothes stuck to my skin, and I wanted nothing more than to step outside in the snow to cool off. To strip and roll in as much snow as I could.

This isn’t a normal fever.
I didn’t have the chills I was used to having back when I had the flu. That was one thing I did remember—the muscle aches, feeling tired all the time and shivers that made me shake so bad I couldn’t stand still. Not even a hot bath had felt warm back then.

You’re starting to remember things,
I realised. It wasn’t huge, but it was a start. I had something to work from. No going back now. The drugs were almost out of my system. I had to keep moving forward.

“I had the flu,” I said, pacing from one side of the room to the other. “I just remembered it.”

Brian was still sitting on the bed. “Good. What else?”

I thought back on when I’d had the flu. It hadn’t been recently.
Your hands were small.
“I was young…I think.” I focused a little harder and shook my head when images of flannel pyjamas and a stuffed animal flashed over my eyes. “Eight, maybe?” I stopped to stand in front of the door and pressed my forehead against the cool surface. “Why does it have to be so fucking hot in here?”

“It isn’t,” Brian assured me. He moved from the bed to join me, gesturing at the thermostat next to the door. “The temperature is the same it’s always been—seventy degrees, just how you like it.”

“Well, turn it down.” My fingertips explored the gadget on the wall, and the numbers blurred. “I can’t read it.” I traced the edge of the door with a fingernail and wondered if it was possible to pry it open.

The door’s locked. You need to use the intercom to open it.