Authors: Tao Lin
Richard Yates (9 page)
“Ants are the only good thing in the world,” said Dakota Fanning.
Haley Joel Osment asked if driver ants could eat a shark.
“Only if it washed up on shore. They can’t swim.”
“Can they eat Bruce Lee,” said Haley Joel Osment.
“If he didn’t struggle, yes,” said Dakota Fanning.
“If he only did front rolls. In an enclosed area.”
“Yes, then. I think they could eat him. The largest colo-ny ever recorded was 20 million ants. 20 million ants could eat Bruce Lee I think.”
“I don’t think so,” said Haley Joel Osment. “One front roll can kill 2,000 ants. So he just needs to do 200,000 front rolls I think.”
“The pain would weaken him too much. 200,000 front rolls is a lot even for Bruce Lee.”
“He can do one a second,” said Haley Joel Osment.
“At fi rst maybe but as the pain got worse he would slow down I think. They can climb into his ears and start destroying his brain too. Front rolls can’t stop the ants from climbing into his brain.”
“Bruce Lee can fl ex his ear to crush the ants. Did you watch the Bruce Lee biography movie.”
“No, I didn’t,” said Dakota Fanning.
“He broke his neck and recovered and dictated a book mhp-yates-01.indd 69
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to his wife while doing therapy in the moon thing that spins you around,” said Haley Joel Osment.
“He wrote the book while he was spinning? That’s
good.”
“Let’s watch the Bruce Lee biography movie.”
“Okay,” said Dakota Fanning.
“They keep using high-pitched voices to the dog,” said Haley Joel Osment. “They’re making me use the high-pitched voice. When I walk the dog I only just stare at the ass. I want to shit on the fl oor and say it was the dog. But the shit will be as long as the dog.” Dakota Fanning wasn’t responding. “I slept on the sofa,” said Haley Joel Osment.
“The dog is an asshole,” he said. “My mom just called,”
said Dakota Fanning. “She asked if I threw away anything sentimental and I said ‘no, you’re retarded.’ Instead of saying ‘bye’ I said ‘books’ because I wasn’t paying attention and she said ‘what’ and hung up. Her voice hurts my ears.
I just sit there and stare and then mumble things that don’t make sense until she hangs up.”
“I feel insane and strange,” said Haley Joel Osment.
“There is a hurricane I think. I saw it on TV.”
“It’s called Alberto,” said Dakota Fanning.
“The dog is making noises,” said Haley Joel Osment. “I should take it to shit now.”
That night Haley Joel Osment was alone in the apartment talking to Julia on Gmail chat. Julia was 28 and married and lived in Georgia. She was friends with an editor of a magazine that had published Haley Joel Osment’s poetry. Haley Joel Osment’s cell phone vibrated. It was Dakota Fanning. Haley Joel Osment moved his cell phone to mhp-yates-01.indd 70
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his ear. Dakota Fanning said her mother found out about him by reading a blog post’s comments section where he had said things about his fi rst visit to New Jersey including when they screamed bad words across the Delaware River.
“I think she knows you’ve stayed here overnight and that you’re 22,” said Dakota Fanning. “She already googled you a lot I think.”
“What’s going to happen?” said Haley Joel Osment.
“I don’t know. I can’t leave here. She won’t let me leave.”
“Is she calling the police?” said Haley Joel Osment.
“No, I don’t think she will. I have to go. She’s here.”
“I don’t know what to say,” said Haley Joel Osment on Gmail chat to Julia. He said Dakota Fanning’s mother found out about him. He said Dakota Fanning was banned from the internet. “Oh no,” said Julia. “What is her mother saying, that Dakota is forbidden to contact you?”
“I don’t know. She believes everyone on the internet is a rapist.”
“Would it help for you to get in touch with the mother?
Tell her you are a nice boy and not a rapist. Go kidnap Dakota. I want to help. I like a good scheme. Where is the dad?”
“The dad is good. Should I tell you these things? I’m confused.”
“It’s okay to tell me,” said Julia.
“Should I though,” said Haley Joel Osment.
“That’s the least of your problems,” said Julia.
“Yes you should,” she said. “I am your friend, don’t worry.”
“The dad is depressed,” said Haley Joel Osment. “He mhp-yates-01.indd 71
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lives in Albany. They separated but he visits sometimes. He wanted to start an earthworm farm in the basement and Dakota’s mother got angry at him. Dakota’s mother referred to him as ‘suicidal.’”
“Can Dakota live with him?” said Julia.
“No. He said he doesn’t want any responsibility of taking care of Dakota.”
“Many dads are depressed,” said Julia.
“Dakota said her mom said ‘why doesn’t anyone in this family have emotions?’ Everyone in her family is depressed except the mom.”
“That’s why the mom is insane,” said Julia. “If you aren’t depressed you’re insane.”
The next morning Haley Joel Osment took Babo to pee, put Babo in his pen by the kitchen, left the apartment, sat in a bus going to New York City, looked out the window. “Yes,”
he thought a little vaguely and then text-messaged Dakota Fanning that her mother could call him if she wanted to talk about anything. At Bobst Library he emailed his brother that he didn’t want to potty train Babo anymore and was sorry for leaving without telling anyone. “I don’t want to be the cause of a robot dog,” said the email. “And you are superstitious.
You believe there is a magical difference between boxer shorts and normal shorts. It’s annoying to be lectured on things like that. Also I can’t wake up so early. That isn’t your fault.”
Around 10:30 p.m. Haley Joel Osment’s cell phone vibrated from an unknown number. He stood from his computer and walked into a hallway. He pushed a button on his cell phone.
“This is Dakota’s mother. I appreciate your willingness to speak to me. Do you know how old my daughter is?”
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“Yes,” said Haley Joel Osment. “16.”
“She is 16. She is still in high school.”
“Yes,” said Haley Joel Osment. “I know.”
“You did things that are illegal. Do you know that?”
“I’m not sure,” said Haley Joel Osment. “I don’t think so.”
“You had sex with a minor. You can go to jail. If Dakota goes to New York City again I am going to call the police. Do you understand?”
“Yes,” said Haley Joel Osment.
“How often do you and Dakota speak?”
“Every day,” said Haley Joel Osment.
“And you talk through, what, instant messenger?”
“Yes. Gmail chat. Sometimes on the phone.”
“Is it a true friendship? Or are you taking advantage of her?”
“True friendship,” said Haley Joel Osment.
“Dakota has been having problems since adolescence and we are just now trying to fi x things. She is seeing a therapist. This is a sensitive time for us.”
“Yes,” said Haley Joel Osment.
Dakota Fanning’s mother was quiet a few seconds.
“Have you ever seen a therapist?” she said.
“Yes,” said Haley Joel Osment. “In high school.”
“Oh? And what was this for?”
Haley Joel Osment said it was for social anxiety disorder. He said he talked to the therapist and the therapist gave him tapes and he listened to the tapes and felt better.
He said he wasn’t depressed. “You and Dakota are both depressive,” said Dakota Fanning’s mother. “I’m afraid you’re feeding off each other.”
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“You sound pretty dark and gloomy yourself,” she
said.
“I’m not depressed,” said Haley Joel Osment. “I just don’t sound enthusiastic ever. I’m a happy person. I just, this is just my voice.”
“I understand you have books coming out,” said Da-
kota Fanning’s mother.
“Yes. I have three books coming out. Two next year.
One this fall.”
“And, are they the same, are they depressive?”
“I don’t think so,” said Haley Joel Osment. “It’s literary fi ction. I guess most people would call literary fi ction depressing.”
“I read a few pages, and it was just out-of-control. All that stuff about killing rampages. That was out-of-control.
What if someone read that and decided to hurt themselves?
How could you live with that?”
“It’s not violent. My publisher was written about in the
New
York
Times
.”
“They want to publish you to make money. Violence
sells. Look at video games and movies.”
“My publisher lives in poverty. They don’t make mon-ey. They publish books that have literary value but don’t make money. They are well respected.” Haley Joel Osment knew that Dakota Fanning’s mother liked books by Nicholas Sparks and that her favorite movies were
Shrek
and
Shrek
II
and maybe
Toy
Story
. He said some things about literature citing Sartre, Camus, Beckett, the Nobel Prize. He said something about the consolation of art and Dakota Fanning’s mother said “I need to get your word that you will allow me and my husband, and Dakota, to sort things mhp-yates-01.indd 74
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out for a few weeks. As you know Dakota is in therapy, and we need some time to sort this out. We have our own problems.”
* * *
Dakota Fanning text-messaged “Okay, she said ‘fuck off’ to me.” A few minutes later Dakota Fanning called saying she was in the bathroom with the door locked from her mother.
Haley Joel Osment talked to her a little then went to a computer and typed an essay on his blog about Nicholas Sparks and suicide. The essay was directed at Dakota Fanning’s mother and mentioned a
King
Kong
DVD he had seen in Dakota Fanning’s mother’s bedroom. The essay said Nicholas Sparks could also cause people to hurt themselves. Haley Joel Osment edited it for about four hours. Around 6:30
a.m. he went to his apartment and slept until 5:00 p.m. and went to Bobst Library. “Dakota said she heard her mom making fun of my voice after,” he said to Julia on Gmail chat. “Dakota can’t use the internet or phone except when she hides in the bathroom or something. We’re fucked.”
“She sounds mean, this mom,” said Julia. “Why would she make fun?”
“She’s an asshole,” said Haley Joel Osment.
“Well you were fucked before. Now you are just fucked a little harder.”
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“Now I’ll just read everyday. I have no friends, no job.”
“I am your friend,” said Julia.
“I mean in real life. I got in a mass email fi ght with the friends I used to have here. They said I used Dakota as a ‘mutable concept.’ Headbutt girl said that. I said ‘what are you talking about.’” Headbutt girl was the 26-year-old Haley Joel Osment spent time with before meeting Dakota Fanning. He headbutted her by accident one night when they were standing in her apartment listening to Rancid in the dark. “I don’t know,” said Haley Joel Osment. “I hate when people say someone is projecting.”
“Why is everyone such an expert on everyone’s relationships,” said Julia.
“A fucked person enters an unfucked situation, and the situation immediately becomes fucked. It’s the person that is fucked,” said Haley Joel Osment. “Obviously.”
“Situations can’t be fucked because they are situations,”
said Julia.
“We are profound,” said Haley Joel Osment. “Where
is our Nobel Prize. All the old Nobel Prize winners were depressed existentialists. Now they are all sociologists or something. As America gained more power.”
“Nobody wants to discuss how lonely life is,” said Julia.
“Everyone is more interested in toothpaste.”
“Who is Nina Portia,” said Haley Joel Osment. “I
blogged about her.”
“I don’t know who that is,” said Julia.
“Dakota said her mother drank wine after the troubles with me and went into her room drinking wine. She kept saying she was twice my age.”
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“She wants maybe for Dakota a cheerful ‘hunk,’” said Julia.
“No,” said Haley Joel Osment. “Probably just because Dakota lied to her like 20 times saying she was staying at friends’ houses when she was coming to New York City.
And I hid in Dakota’s room like 10 times. It seems understandable.”
“That is understandable,” said Julia.
“Actually she is being nice to me.”
“See, good,” said Julia. “You are being forgiving and clear headed now. You lied. Both of you. That is hard.”
The next few days Haley Joel Osment talked to Dakota Fanning in text messages and sometimes on the phone. Dakota Fanning said she was depressed and hadn’t been eating and was writing Haley Joel Osment a giant letter. She said she told her mother she pressured Haley Joel Osment into sex and only had sex once in New York City and her mother didn’t think anymore that Haley Joel Osment only wanted sex and said Dakota Fanning could see him in a few weeks but wouldn’t give a specifi c date. Dakota Fanning’s mother was a graphic designer for America’s largest-circulation tow-truck magazine. Dakota Fanning had to go with her to work every day because she thought Dakota Fanning would run away if left alone. Dakota Fanning said that in group therapy with her mother and father the therapist asked her mother what exactly her problem was with Dakota Fanning seeing Haley Joel Osment and her mother was quiet and then said she didn’t know. “The therapist defeated my mother,” said Dakota Fanning. Haley Joel Osment said Dakota Fanning should tell the therapist he was a graduate of mhp-yates-01.indd 77
