Retief Unbound (28 page)

"Remarkable,"
Retief said. "And I suppose that to properly protect the Lumbagans, it
will be necessary for Groac to temporarily garrison a few troops here. And
perhaps to take over a certain number of islands for official use. And possibly
to requisition a modest percentage of the planetary production and manpower for
the fight against foreign exploitation. And a reasonable tax levy to support a
portion of the expense of this selfless action is to be expected."

"I see you have a
grasp of the realities of interplanetary do-goodism," Shlush acknowledged.
"Now, as beings of the world, why not just give me a brief rundown on your
own development plans? Don't bother going into detail; I have specialists on my
staff who'll assist you later in dredging up the odd unremembered trifle from
the depths of the subconscious. For now, just limit your exposition to the high
points."

"You're too shrewd
for me, Hivemaster," Retief conceded. "Did you think up this scheme
yourself?"

"Ah-ah,"
Shlush chided his prisoner. "No prying, Retief. Not that it matters, of
course, inasmuch as you'll soon be occupying a shallow excavation under the
dungeon floor—but it's bad form tipping one's opponents off to the details of
one's operations, particularly as I have no time to waste. Now—"

"On a tight
schedule, eh? Tell me, Hivemaster, is Ambassador Jith in on the plan?"

"Jith is a
dependable civil servant of considerable seniority," Shlush said smoothly.
"It was deemed unwise to burden him with excessive detail regarding
operations outside the sphere of his immediate concerns."

"Just who is your
boss in this operation, Shlush?"

"Ah-ah—mustn't
pry, Retief." The Groaci wagged an admonitory digit at the Terran.
"Suffice it to say he's a most unusual chap, a virtual super-Groaci of
most uncompromising kidney, not the sort, as he himself declares, to stand idly
by while Groac is cheated of her Lumbagan patrimony! You'll meet him soon enough."

"Let me see,"
Retief mused aloud. "As I recall, it was a Terry tramp captain who first
put Lumbaga on the star maps. He stayed long enough to peddle a few gross of
glass beads and take on a cargo of salted glimp eggs; oddly enough, his report
made no mention of the natives' warlike tendencies."

"Doubtless he
fortuitously happened along between massacres," Shlush said tersely.
"But—"

"The next time
Lumbaga cropped up in an official dispatch, ten years later, was on the
occasion of a run-in between a Terry survey crew and a Groaci gunboat. It
appears your people were well-established here by then."

"Yes, yes—and
naturally enough, they took appropriate action to discourage unauthorized
tourism. Now—"

"Shooting up an
unarmed survey craft was the wrong way to go about it, I'm afraid," Retief
said philosophically. "Our sociological teams couldn't pass up a challenge
like that. They came swarming in—with suitable escorts of Peace Enforcers, of
course—to ferret out the unhappy incidents in the collective Groaci childhood
that were responsible for your aggressions, and—"

"I well recall the
incident; an unexampled instance of Groaci restraint in the face of Terran
provocation—"

"—and found a
planetwide riot in progress," Retief continued. "They also turned up
the fact that your boys were running a rather dubious traffic in hearts, lungs,
and other negotiable commodities—"

"Specimens
destined for Groaci zoos," Shlush snapped. "Our Groacian interest in
exotic wildlife is well-known—"

"—which raised
certain questions among the coarse-minded. There was even a theory afoot that
you were disassembling the natives, shipping them out as Freebies, and putting
them back together for use in the sand mines."

"A baseless
allegation! Besides which, the practice was at once discontinued out of
deference to the prejudices of the unenlightened."

"A far-sighted
move, in view of the number of guns lined up on you at the time. The
Interplanetary Tribunal for the Curtailment of Hostilities moved in then, and
war has raged ever since."

"I am not in need
of a toenail sketch of recent Lumbagan history!" Shlush hissed. "The
manifold iniquities of the CDT are well-known to me!" The excited
hivemaster broke off as the door opened abruptly.

"To forgive this
intrusion, Exalted One," the underling who had gone to fetch brandy
hissed. "But—"

"To better have an
explanation of surpassing eloquence," Shlush screeched, "or to dangle
inverted from a torture frame ere tiffin time!"

"The best,
Excellency," the unfortunate fellow whispered, advancing into the room,
closely followed by a hulking Lumbagan with a single eye, three legs, an
immense grin, and a large, primitive needle gun in his fist.

"To shoot him
down!" Shlush hissed in his native tongue to Wilth, who stood frozen
against the wall.

"To . . . to . . .
have apparently forgotten to load my piece," the latter whispered, and let
the impotent weapon fall with a clatter.

"Which one of you
aliens is the head Groaci around here?" the newcomer demanded.

Wilth's eyestalks
tilted toward his chief. The latter scronched back in his chair, eyeing the
aimed pistol. "Ah—why do you ask?" he inquired cautiously.

"On account of
there's a big shot that wants to see him," the Lumbagan stated, studying
the four foreigners in turn.

"Better hurry; I
don't know what assorted innards are bringing in the open market, but it will
be less if they're full of steel splinters."

"Merely a, er,
social call, I assume?" Shlush said hopefully.

"Assume whatever
you like—only snap it up. The big boy don't like to be kept waiting." The
caller glanced at the Dale Evans watch strapped to his lower left wrist.
"Anyway, I change sides in half an hour, and I don't like unfinished
business hanging over me."

"Well, I suppose
one must observe the amenities," Shlush said with a certain lack of conviction,
rising slowly.

"It's all right,
Shlush," Retief spoke up. "It's noble of you to cover for me, but we
can't fool this fellow. I'll go quietly."

"Ha! Trying to
pull a fast one, hah?" The Lumbagan pointed the gun at the hivemaster's
head and squinted his lone eye along the barrel. "I've got a good mind to
plug you for that. But to heck with it. I got to make my own loads for this
popper, so why waste one?" He motioned with the bulky weapon at Retief.

"Let's go, big
boy." He paused. "Hey, you aliens all look alike to me, but it seems
like you got a little different look to you, somehow." He studied Retief,
comparing him with Wilth and Shlush with quick side-glances.

"Two legs,"
he muttered. "One torso, one head—ah! Got it!
They
got five eyes
each, and
you
only got two, kind of sunk-in ones. How come?"

"Birth
defect," Retief said.

"Oh, excuse me all
to heck, pal. No offense. OK, pick 'em up. We got a brisk walk ahead, and the
streets are full of footpads."

Two of Lumbaga's small
pink moons were in the sky when Retief and his captor, after traversing a
passage hollowed in the thick walls of the pile housing secret Groaci
Headquarters, emerged into the street.

"This seems to be
my night for meeting the local civic leaders," Retief commented as they
turned west, toward the waterfront. "Who is it you're taking me to?"

"You'll find
out," his guide said shortly, swiveling his asymetrical head from side to
side so as to bring his single eye to bear first on one side of the route
ahead, then the other. "If anybody jumps us, it's every guy for
hisself," he notified the Terran.

"You expecting to
be attacked?" Retief inquired easily.

The alien nodded.
"Naturally," he said glumly. "Why should tonight be any
different than any other time?"

"I understand
street battles are the Lumbagan national pastime," Retief commented.
"You sound a little unenthusiastic."

"Oh, a little
rumble now and then, a friendly fight in a bar, a neighborly clash in the
alley, sure. I'm as normal as the next guy. But the pace is getting me down.
Frankly, Mr.—what was that handle again?"

"Retief."

"I'm Gloot. Like I
was saying, Retief, between you and me I'd as lief take a break—a long
break—from the fray. I got enough lumps to last me, you know? And there's
plenty others feel the same."

"Then why do you
go on squabbling?"

"That's kind of
hard to explain, to a foreigner. I'm just sashaying along, minding my own
business, and all of a sudden—zop! The old fighting frenzy hits me, you know
what I mean?"

"I'm striving to
grasp it," Retief said. "By the way, does that gun work?"

Gloot looked at the
heavy pistol. "Sure. Don't worry, the first guy that jumps us will be out
shopping in the morning for a new navel and a few other accessories." He
shook his head mournfully. "Unfortunately, I can't say the same for the
second guy."

"Single shot, eh?
How's your aim?"

"Well, I ain't
bragging, but I usually hit what I shoot at."

"Five xots you
can't hit that sign," Retief challenged, pointing to a board swinging in
the wind ahead.

"You kidding? I
could drill it dead center with one eye closed—at least I could up to last week
when I misplaced my best eye."

"Phooey. I heard
you Lumbagans couldn't shoot your way out of a greenhouse."

"Oh, yeah?"
Gloot brought the gun up, took his stance, squeezed. ...

The
Boom!
echoed
along the canyonlike street like a bomb burst. As the reverberations faded, a
voice somewhere ahead shouted an angry inquiry; a door slammed. Feet clattered,
approaching from both directions.

"Now look what you
made me go and do!" Gloot wailed. "Come on, let's get out of
here!" He turned and galloped back the way they had come, ducked down an
intersecting alley as a party of mismatched vigilantes in red cloaks surged
into view around a turn.

"There they
go!" a hoarse voice yelled. "Get the disturbance-creating
rascals!"

Retief followed the
sprinting Lumbagan along the noisome way, skidded to a stop as the other's dark
bulk loomed ahead.

"Up there!" Gloot
croaked. "Make it quick!"

Retief found the rungs
of a ladder mounting the rough masonry wall; he went up it swiftly, negotiated
an overhanging cornice, pulled himself up on a slanted roof of curled tiles. A
moment later Gloot scrambled up beside him. Seconds later, their pursuers
blundered past below in full cry.

"Wow, that was
close," Gloot breathed as silence descended again. "Those boys are
the City Guard. They don't mess around."

"Permanent
cadre?" Retief asked.

"Right. Eight on,
eight off. Of course, most of 'em got off-duty jobs with the major mobs; but
when shift time arrives they fall in for duty, even if the mob happens to be in
the middle of a shoot-out with the guard at the time."

"That could be a
trifle confusing."

"Yeah, but they
got ground rules. When the whistle blows, there's a five-minute time-out while
the cops and robbers change sides."

"A civilized
system," Retief conceded.

"I guess the coast
is clear—but—" Gloot looked at his watch and uttered a coarse expletive.
"Now looky what you made me do, Retief! I've run over shift-end! And I
would of scored a nice bonus if I would of brought you in in one major
piece!"

"You could explain
you were unavoidably detained—" "What—and hand a negotiable piece of
merchandise like you over to the bums I used to be teamed up with? Besides, if
they saw me now they'd set on me in a trice!"

"Don't your former
associates change sides at the same time you do?"

"Sure—but they go
their way, I go mine. I got to agree, it's enough to confuse a foreigner. Heck,
even I get mixed up sometimes." Gloot sighed as he crawled up the sloping
roof to scan the view beyond. "Seems like things are getting kind of out
of hand," he said sadly. "A fellow can't hardly keep track of his own
affiliations these days."

"What about us aliens?"
Retief asked. "How do we fit into the hostility pattern?"

"You don't. My
grabbing you was strictly business. Now that I've changed sides, all bets are
off. It was nice meeting you, Retief. Frankly, I'd heard you Groaci were kind
of creepy little characters, but you seem like a pretty good sport. Well,
cheers. I've got to try to make it down to the port now without getting my
sweetbreads scrambled. Timeout's almost over, and I'll be fair game."

"Who were you
taking me to, Gloot?"

"Some bum over on
Groo-groo Island. Why?"

"I'd like to meet
him."

"No dice. I got a
previous engagement. I'm part of a harbor hijack crew now and we've got a big
heist scheduled." "Suppose I go with you?"