Rescue Me (21 page)

“Hell if I know.” She sipped her cocoa. “Want some?”

“No thank you.”

“It's spiked with Kahlúa and peppermint schnapps.”

“Maybe a sip.”

Lacey poured the hot cocoa into the thermos cup and passed it to Mary Hannah. “Wyatt's been so patient. He actually proposed back at Christmas.” She sipped straight from the thermos. “I kept telling myself I was holding back because I was pregnant when Allen and I married.”

“I didn't know.” Mary Hannah cradled her cup and inhaled the scent, intoxicating all on its own.

Lacey glanced over, her smile bittersweet. “Allen and I were in love, absolutely, no question on that. Being pregnant with Sierra just pushed up the wedding date.”

“But that's not an issue here now.” Mary Hannah brought the cup to her mouth and tasted—yum—her new favorite drink. “Do you want to marry Wyatt? Maybe later, not rushing?”

“This is difficult to say . . . to admit.” Lacey's head fell back to rest against the rocker before she blurted out, “Wyatt was my gap guy.”

“Gap guy?”

“After Allen died,” she said slowly, as if prying the words free. “It took me a long time to date again. I had offers before Wyatt, but I wasn't ready.”

“Like the veterinarian, Dr. Vega.” Ray Vega had made no secret of his attraction to Lacey even though he was ten years younger. The fact that age didn't matter to him only made him all the more attractive to the local women.

“Ray left.” Lacey set aside the thermos. “He didn't come back.”

Realization lit up like the stars popping through the night sky. “You were waiting for him.”

“Ray said he didn't want to be my gap guy. Or something like that.” Lacey pulled her legs up under the blanket and rested her chin on her knees. “He didn't want to be the fling I had in order to move on. It sounded so beautiful when he said it. He said he would be back in a year.”

And roughly six months ago she'd started dating Wyatt. “Did Dr. Vega contact you while he was gone on his mission trip? Is he still there now?”

“I don't know because I haven't heard anything from him. Not a single word.” Hurt and anger coated each word. “So I moved on. I decided I should have a gap relationship after all. Except apparently I'm not very good at that. Allen was the first man I was with. So I was over forty years old, trying to figure out how to have a fling.”

Mary Hannah reached to squeeze Lacey's hand. “You know I'm here to help however I can. I'm your friend as well as Sierra's.”

“Thanks. I mean it.” She squeezed back before picking up her thermos again. “I can't let this distract me from the competition. I need to make this place a success so I can support my family. I have a son heading to college and a father-in-law with dementia. I don't have time for flings.”

Mary Hannah asked the unspoken question that had been hanging in the air, waiting to be addressed. “Are you still waiting for Ray Vega to return?”

“That's a moot point. He hasn't contacted me.” She drew a long gulp from the thermos.

Oh, poor Lacey. Mary Hannah's heart hurt for her. “You still didn't answer my question, and that should tell you all you need to know.”

Lacey pressed her hands to her eyes, a single tear sneaking free anyway. Mary Hannah started to rise to hug her. The cell phone by the thermos chimed, stopping her. Lacey sniffed twice as she snapped up the phone.

“Hello? Mike?” Lacey listened, her face growing paler by the second.

A dark sense of premonition filled Mary Hannah like clouds covering the stars. She listened to the one-sided conversation, but there wasn't much to go on.

Lacey kept nodding, her throat moving in a slow swallow. “I'll be right over. I'm praying for all three of you.”

She disconnected the call, her hand shaking so hard the cell phone dropped into her lap.

“Lacey? Please, what's happened?”

Her eyes shimmering with tears, Lacey said, “Sierra's blood pressure spiked. The doctors said they can't wait any longer without risking her . . . risking her life. They just took her in for an emergency C-section.”

Sometimes you have to push for alliances. Even the ones that seem most unlikely.

—HOLLY, ON
SURVIVOR

A
J HADN'T REALIZED
how attached he'd become to this family until tonight. He was a part of a unit. Wyatt had called to tell him about Sierra's premature delivery. Mary Hannah had already driven Lacey over. They were at the hospital. Wyatt couldn't get out of his night shift for another hour, so he'd asked AJ to check on the family.

The family.

He found Mary Hannah sitting alone in the waiting area, her eyes swollen from crying. His stomach plummeted.

“Mary Hannah? How's Sierra? The baby?” He sat beside her and wrapped an arm around her shoulder. God, she was cold and trembling. She was always so in control that he wasn't quite sure what to do for her.

She held a wad of tissues in her hand and scrubbed at her already raw eyes. “The baby's in the neonatal ICU in an incubator. He needs help breathing. Mike's with him. Sierra's in recovery. She hasn't woken yet, but Lacey is sitting with her. They say her blood pressure was so high they lost her once”—her voice cracked before she regained control—“and they had to bring her back.”

He held her tighter, tucking her head against his chest. “I'm so sorry.” He felt so damn helpless. “I wish I'd been here sooner.”

“You couldn't have done anything. As it is, I've been wishing I could help somehow, but I've just been sitting here, scared out of my mind for Sierra and her baby.”

“All the more reason I should have been with you. You shouldn't have to go through this alone.” He stroked a hand over her hair. “Are you okay?”

She glanced up at him, her expression shifting. “Are you asking me if I'm at risk for relapsing, searching for a hit from the nearest medicine cabinet?”

Hell, he hadn't even considered that, but the fact that she had made him wonder now. “Are you?”

Shrugging his arm aside, she leaned back, her hands pressed to her eyes. “I'm always going to be the recovering addict, and I know to call my sponsor if I'm in crisis.”

“That's good.”

Her hands fell to her lap, and pain blazed in her eyes. “But I've done things so much worse than take illegal drugs. So much worse.” She paused, waiting, then continued, “Aren't you going to ask me what I did?”

His cop instincts tingled, sensing that need to confess. He could tell something was eating her up inside.

“That's your decision whether to trust me or not.”

“Maybe you would rather not know.”

Did she have a point? He didn't much like the light that would put him in, though. “I've seen the worst the world has to offer. I imagine at times you hear the worst from your patients.”

“It's hard to stay clean.” Her chin trembled. “So hard.”

He stroked her hair back, tucking it behind her ear. “Do you want to talk about it?”

She twisted the hem of her sweater, her eyes darting around the waiting area before finally landing on him again. “My ex and I always planned to have children.”

“Is your biological clock ticking?” He worked to keep his voice level, even though thoughts of little Aubrey were filling his head and clenching his gut. “I can see how that would make it difficult when your friends are starting their families.”

A smile flickered across her face as she straightened. “You don't have to look so horrified. I'm not asking you to knock me up.”

“That isn't what I thought.” Okay, maybe it was. But he would sound like a jackass if he said as much.

She drew in a deep breath, her back bracing. “I got pregnant about six months after we married. It wasn't planned. But I wanted my baby very much. So much that I checked myself into a rehab center right away.”

Holy hell. He hadn't expected this and didn't know what to say. He'd seen so many junkie babies during his time on the force, but he couldn't reconcile that image with Mary Hannah. Black and white suddenly became very gray.

“Yes, I got pregnant while using,” she said starkly. “And I was almost all the way through the program. I thought I was going to be lucky after all. My baby would be okay.” She snorted a dark laugh, slightly hysterical, and swiped the tissues under her nose.

“Mary Hannah, you don't need to do this now—”

“I have to finish. You need to know who I am. What I did.” She shook her head. “In my second trimester, I miscarried. It was my fault. Don't even try to convince me otherwise. It's a guilt I'll have to live with for the rest of my life. I'm every bit as horrible a mother as the woman you knew undercover, Sheila. I put my child at risk, and my child did not survive.”

Those shades of gray tormented him, but if he said the wrong thing now, there would be no taking it back later. He could sort through his own thoughts another time. For now, he grasped at whatever logic he could find. “You didn't know you were pregnant. And once you did, you tried your best to come clean.”

“That doesn't make it hurt less.”

“I imagine not. Especially on a night like this.” He slid his arm around her again, drawing her close against his side. “But even here on this really tough night, you're staying strong. Acknowledging there's a problem and facing it head-on, going to rehab and staying clean. That's more than ninety-nine percent of addicts I've met are able to accomplish. You went to rehab and completed the program.”

Another sigh racked her body, all the louder in the late-night silence of the hospital. “I wonder sometimes if I hadn't gotten pregnant, would I have ever faced the addiction? I only checked myself in because I was pregnant. My baby saved my life, but it's my fault the baby died and my husband left. I can't blame him. There's no way to make what I did okay.”

He couldn't argue the point and didn't know how to ease her pain. And he couldn't be sure he would have reacted any differently from her ex. AJ simply held her. His world rocked.

Because somewhere along the way, the firefighter had just fallen in love with the arsonist.

*   *   *

LACEY WALKED DOWN
the hospital hall toward the waiting room to update everyone. Sierra was awake and finally stable enough to be moved into a room. She'd insisted on getting in a wheelchair, and Mike had brought her to see their son.

Allen Michael. Four pounds one ounce. He was a good weight. Sierra had almost given her life hanging on those extra weeks to give her baby time to mature. Lacey's hands shook as adrenaline rushed away in the aftermath of the most harrowing night of her life.

She'd already lost a husband. She could not lose their daughter. But right on the heels of that thought was a gut-wrenching fear that Sierra might still lose her child. A pain Lacey couldn't bear for her no matter how much she wanted to.

Security opened the electric doors separating the maternity ward from the waiting area. The hospital was so silent, her gym shoes squeaked all the louder. She almost thought her friends had left, and then she saw them in the far corner. Mary Hannah was curled up asleep, her head on AJ's shoulder. His head was back, his legs stretched out as he napped, too.

Wyatt sat in a chair watching the television on mute with the closed captions scrolling along the bottom. His eyes slid to hers, and he put a finger to his mouth, easing up from the seat to join her.

He palmed the small of her back and steered her away. “There's a bench around the corner where we can talk. And before you ask, Nathan's fine. He was asleep when I left the house. He said he would come in the morning so you can go home and change.”

“He's had to grow up so fast.” She followed along on autopilot—exhausted, relieved, drained. She sat on the bench, Wyatt dropping into place beside her. “Sierra's awake and they let her see the baby. Mike's with them both now.”

“So everyone's okay?”

“They'll be in the hospital for a while, but I'm cautiously hopeful.” She couldn't remember when she'd been so scared. Other than sending her husband off to war. Tears welled up and over. He should be here to see their first grandchild. The weight of losing him hit her all over again, and she bit back a sob.

Wyatt tucked a knuckle under her chin. “Lacey, no offense, babe, but you look exhausted. You should go home and rest or you'll be no good to anyone.”

“I'm not leaving.” She forced herself not to wince at Wyatt's touch, which felt so wrong right now with Allen so very alive in her thoughts, his smile, his even-tempered ways and humor that balanced her. She missed him so damn much.

“You're no good to anyone if you wear yourself out.”

“I am not leaving. Not tonight. Sierra's my child. You're not a parent. You don't understand.”

His jaw flexed. “I
am
a parent. You just haven't chosen to tell me yet.”

Her head snapped back. “What did you say?”

“Are you pregnant?”

She weighed her words carefully, wishing she'd gone to the doctor earlier so she didn't have those weeks of silence to account for. “No. I'm not. I thought I might be for a short while, but when I went to the doctor, he confirmed I'm not pregnant.” Then she realized . . . “Is that why you proposed out of the blue at Christmas?”

“Actually, no, not that you'll probably ever believe me.” His smile was dark, bitter. “I guessed a couple of days ago when someone made a toast at the dinner table and you lifted that wineglass full of water. I realized how many times you'd passed up wine lately. Even at Christmas and New Year's. I remembered you didn't toast with champagne like everyone else. Everyone except underage teens and pregnant Sierra. You've been drinking water and juice in that favorite wineglass of yours for weeks.”

Guilt piled on top of more guilt. If she'd been pregnant, it had been with his child, too. He deserved to have been told, to celebrate the news rather than stumble on the knowledge.

She took his hand, wishing she could change what she'd done. Waiting had seemed so logical at the time. “You have a right to be upset that I didn't share my suspicion with you.”

“I'm hurt and disappointed. That's different,” he pointed out rightly. “Because I know you're making excuses because you don't want to marry me.”

“It's not that. I might—”

“You
might
want to marry me?” He tapped her lips to quiet her. “Pardon me if I'm underwhelmed.”

“I want you in my life—” She couldn't make herself finish the sentence and commit to marry him. She loved him but wasn't in love with him. Not the way he deserved to be loved.

There was no denying it. She'd made a mess. A big mess. “I promise to let you know the second I know either way.”

“Good,” he said curtly, pausing as if he needed to say more, then shoved to his feet. “I need to take a walk.”

With regret and an ache in her heart, she watched him lumber away, those broad shoulders stiff. She wanted to be able to lean on that strong chest and take the comfort he would have given if she'd offered even a bit of encouragement.

But tonight had reminded her how very much she'd loved her husband, and she could not settle for less.

*   *   *

I UNDERSTOOD AJ.
We were a lot alike even though I'm a dog and he's human.

Fear doesn't discriminate or pick favorites.

I saw it in his eyes and in the way he struggled to hide a wince. The world is a scary place. Letting people see vulnerability was even more frightening, but often impossible to hide. To be honest, my fear was more obvious. There were still times I couldn't stop trembling any more than I could stop breathing. AJ's anxiety was better hidden from humans. But I could smell it.

My great sniffer. Remember? I can sniff more than the leftover pizza a person ate for lunch. My nose enables me to smell emotions and even health issues.

Like how I knew Sierra was going to have her baby early. And how I knew Lacey had the flu even before she went to the doctor. If I could have used human words, I also could have told her she was just having a perimenopausal pregnancy scare. I suspect it took her so long to go to the doctor because she was more afraid of saying good-bye to the mothering part of her life than she was of finding out she wasn't in the family way. I was pretty sure it had something to do with saying yet another good-bye to her dead husband.

But when it came to sensing the emotions, I was more in tune to AJ and Mary Hannah. They were the ones I knew I needed to help. And there was no missing the turmoil inside AJ. He needed comfort, and for some reason he would accept it only from me. No matter how much I nudged, he wouldn't let Mary Hannah be the one he leaned on.

Back then, AJ became like one of my puppies, and that meant I needed to protect him. That urge to protect was the only thing that stood a chance of overcoming my fears.

I just had to figure out a way to let AJ know he was in serious danger. Because I recognized a person very close to him.

A person who'd made regular visits to my old home in the meth house.

*   *   *

WALKING INTO AJ'S
cabin, Mary Hannah was still in a fog of exhaustion and emotions. Lacey had woken them at the hospital to let them know Sierra and the baby were stable. They should go home to get some real rest now. She would call when she needed backup.

The night was so damn surreal. She and AJ had walked to his old Scout as if the conversation back at the hospital never happened. Was he just processing what she'd said? Or waiting for the crisis to pass before dumping her?

The drive back to the cabin had been quick and uneventful on the deserted roads, the rest of the world still asleep for the most part at four in the morning. The silence between them stretched. She considered asking him to just drop her off at her apartment, then decided to follow his lead for now. She was too drained to make decisions she could trust.