Recipes for Melissa (24 page)

‘Why on earth do you ask that?’ Max’s face was suddenly ashen.

Melissa took another large mouthful of wine and reached for a cushion for comfort.

‘I don’t really know how to tell you this, Dad. But I’ve had a bit of a shock.’

‘What kind of shock? What do you mean?’

He was now tapping his foot on the wooden floor.

‘I got a letter on my birthday from a solicitor’s office. Turns out Mum put a book together for me. As a present for my twenty fifth birthday.’

Max went white. The foot tapping stopped. There was stillness for a second and then his whole body moved slightly – the wine glass nearly spilling in his hand.

‘It’s just a girly book, Dad. A bunch of recipes and photographs and woman-to-woman gossip. That sort of thing.’

‘No. No. She never said anything to me about this. I don’t understand. Why would she not tell me about this?’ He was shifting in the sofa as if it no longer fitted his shape.

‘Like I say. Just a girly thing, Dad. She wanted it to be between us. She probably thought you would think it silly. Sentimental.’

‘But how on earth did she get this to you, Melissa?’

‘Through a solicitor. Some law firm her family had used for years.’

‘No. She never said a thing. Not a word,’ looking away as if not hearing her replies. ‘And she wrote this when?’

‘While she was unwell, Dad.’

Max took in a deep breath while Melissa continued to fidget with the cushion.

‘So why didn’t you tell me straight away? Can I see it?’ he was looking round the room as if trying to work out where it was.

‘No. I haven’t read it all yet.’

‘You are kidding me?’ He had stood up now, physically agitated and still looking about the room.

‘Sit down, Dad. Please. Look. It arrived at a pretty hairy time. I’d just told Sam I wasn’t sure about marrying him.’

‘Sam proposed?’

‘Yes, Dad. He asked me to marry him. Well – not marry now. Obviously. Get engaged but I panicked. Asked for time to think about it. Not only because I am far too young but because I’m not sure I want to marry anyone. ‘

Another deep inhalation as Max finally sat back down.

‘Which appears to disappoint you. As I rather feared it might.’

‘Not disappointment, Melissa. I just feel… I don’t know.’ Still he looked winded.

‘I really didn’t know how to tell you, Dad, about the journal. But she left me recipes. Some of them your favourites.’

And now his face was changing. Fitting the puzzle together. Looking down first at the floor and then at the empty plate from the cheese straws and finally back up at Melissa who just nodded.

‘You’re not cross?’

‘No, I’m not cross,’ he took a long slug of water. ‘I’m just a bit shocked. I’m just not understanding why your mother wouldn’t have told me.’

‘I think she felt you had enough to deal with.’

‘Yes. Well,’ he now stood up again and walked over to the window, turning away from her. ‘Dear God. You know what? Shit. I do feel quite angry actually,’ tossing the napkin still in his hand onto a side table. ‘I mean, why the hell didn’t she tell me this? She didn’t write me a bloody book.’

Melissa said nothing. Just waited.

‘Sorry, Melissa.’

‘No. It’s OK, Dad. Look. I knew it would be a shock. But she does nothing but praise you in the book. Embarrassingly so. I think she was just worried about me growing up. Without the sisterhood. A woman’s voice.’

‘So what’s in it, exactly? This book? I would have read it straight through. Cover to cover. One sitting. I don’t understand why you haven’t finished it.’

‘I’m finding it quite hard, actually. Emotional. And not great timing with me just having upset Sam. I didn’t want to tell him either at first. I mean – I’d just told him I wasn’t sure if I ever wanted to get married so it seemed a bit selfish. You know.
I don’t think I want to marry you but – hey could you just help me through this big, emotional shock.’

‘So is there someone else, Melissa? Are you splitting up? You and Sam? Is that why he isn’t here tonight?’

‘God no.’

‘So what then? I mean is he OK. With you putting him on hold?’

‘Not really.’

‘Oh, Melissa. But I thought you loved him?’

Melissa sipped more wine, tightening her lips as Max finally walked back across the room and sat down again. ‘I do love him, Dad. I just never saw myself as someone who would need to get married. I’m just not sure I’m the type.’

‘But why ever not?’

And then there was this terrible pause and Melissa could see something slowly register in her father’s eyes, looking again at the empty plate on the table. The crumbs from the cheese straws.

‘Look. The book was a shock, Dad, initially but then I started to see it as quite comforting. Also surprising. Mum explained why she didn’t want me to know about her illness. And it’s weird but also very nice too. To have her write to me, grown-up to grown-up.’

‘And so there’s a lot of writing in this book. Not just recipes and photos?’

‘Yes. Quite a bit. ‘

‘And what exactly does she say about me?’

‘Only wonderful things.’

‘So can I read it, Melissa? Please?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘What do you mean, you don’t know?’ he looked tense.

‘I need to finish it in my own time first. Which is why I’m asking you about when you were first together. You and Mum. In the bit I’m reading at the moment she mentioned that you had some kind of blip or something.’

Max faced changed. The foot tapping started up again.

‘And she’s written about that?’

‘I think so. It’s the bit I’m going to read next which is why I wanted to ask you first. So this blip, Dad?’

‘Look. It’s a time I don’t really like to talk about Melissa. I made a bit of a prat of myself.’ He poured more wine for them both.

‘I’m listening.’

‘I wasn’t earning a lot when we were first together. Your Mum and me. And I got a bit caveman. Worrying about providing for a family.’

‘How very old-fashioned of you.’

‘Sexist?’

She smiled finally and his eyes relaxed a little.

‘I know. Silly. But I loved your mother very much and I wanted to look after her. And I know that sounds quite patronising and yes, quite probably sexist, but I don’t mean it to be. I wanted to protect her. Look after her. And the family I hoped we would have.’

‘I’m not understanding what that has to do with a blip.’

Max sighed. ‘I got offered a big job in New York. Controversial bank. Big money. You mother thought it was a sell-out. That they wanted to buy my integrity. My status.’

‘And did they?’

Max took a long slug of wine. ‘Yes. As it turns out, that is exactly what they wanted.’

‘So what happened?’

‘I got stubborn. Went to New York. Your mother stayed behind.’

‘You
split up
?’ Melissa could hardly believe the tone of her own voice, squeezing the cushion tight to her stomach.

‘Yes. I know it sounds unlikely. Ridiculous. But for a very short time. Yes. Your mother and I split up.’

‘Good God.’

‘My fault entirely. For being stubborn and stupid. So let that be a warning.’

Melissa felt herself colour. ‘So what happened?’

‘I thought she would follow me. She thought I wouldn’t go.’

‘So who caved?’

‘Who do you think?’

Melissa tilted her head.

‘Your mother was completely right of course. Took about two weeks for me to face up to it. They tried to dress it up, of course, but it very quickly became apparent what the bank wanted of me. To help them talk away some morally bankrupt shenanigans.’

‘So what did you do?’

‘I quit and came home with my tail between my legs. No job. No nothing.’

‘And?’

‘And your wonderful mother took me back without a blink. Stood by me and supported me until I got another temporary lecturing contract. Until I got back on my feet and my old uni had the good grace to take me back full-time.’

‘And it made you stronger?’

‘No. It just made me shit scared, Melissa. Realising that I could have blown it. Lost her for good. Right at the very beginning.’

Melissa examined her father’s face closely.

‘I’m sorry. I’ve upset you.’

‘No. It’s OK. It’s just all a bit of a shock. Unexpected.’

‘I know.’

‘Though it does feel a good thing, Melissa. For us to talk like this. About your mother, I mean.’

And then Melissa felt her shoulders relax slightly – relieved to know, at last, what was written in the sealed pages.

‘You think that’s what I’m doing with Sam. Making a big mistake? The marriage phobia. I thought you would understand. Me being quite young still.’

He stared into her eyes.

‘You are young still, Melissa. But I like Sam. Probably more than I like to let on. So if you love him, you go carefully,’ he picked imagined fluff from the knee of his trousers. ‘And if this whole uncertainty or panic or whatever is because of what happened with your mother and me. At the end, I mean. Well – you need to know that I wouldn’t change a thing. If I could go back, I would do it all again. Get married all over again.’

Melissa looked again really closely at his face.

‘Which is why you’re still resolutely single.’

‘That wasn’t fair, Mel,’ he took a slow, deep breath. ‘I had my slice of happy.’

‘And who says we only get one slice, Dad?’

30

ELEANOR – 1994

‘The thing is I’m not really ready,’ Eleanor was holding the book in her hand, examining it very closely.

‘I’m so sorry.’ James Hall, the lawyer sent by the firm at Eleanor’s special request, stood awkwardly alongside the sofa. ‘I thought they said twelve o’clock.’

‘No. Sorry. I didn’t mean that. And do sit down. Please.’

He sat down. Tried to smile.

‘So am I understanding this correctly? You want to place this book in the care of our practice, to be given to your daughter when she is twenty five, did you say?’

‘Yes. That is possible, I assume? You can organise that?’

‘Yes. Of course. But we will need clarity,’ he was looking across at the book, ‘of how precisely you would like that to happen. In the future.’

‘I need you to make a few checks before the book is passed to Melissa. On her health and her father’s. I’ve written it all down. And I will pay now and also put some money into an account. To cover all the future costs,’ Eleanor was handing over a piece of paper which Mr Hall read through carefully.

‘But as I say. The timing is very difficult. I’m not really ready but my doctor…’ Eleanor paused to brush the arm of the sofa. ‘Look. I am probably going into hospital a little earlier than I had hoped and so I need to give this to you today,’ still she was holding the book tightly. ‘Confidentiality is crucial here.’

‘Of course.’

‘My husband doesn’t know about this.’

‘I see.’

‘Sorry. Would you like a coffee? I wasn’t thinking.’

‘No. I’m fine. Though if you need a drink yourself?’

‘No. No.’ She was self-conscious now. Aware of how she must look to him. So very thin.

There was a much longer pause then, during which Eleanor opened the book to illustrate the pages stuck together.

‘There is a section in the book. This bit here,’ she showed him exactly, ‘which I was hoping to edit out. Rip out actually – before I handed this over. But I’m waiting for some information – some test results which will decide whether I need to make that edit.’

Mr Hall frowned.

‘Yes. I know it all sounds a bit complicated and a bit clandestine. It is quite complicated actually.’

‘So – what do you want to do? Do you want me to come back later? Or tomorrow?’

‘No. The thing is I need you to take the book today but I would like to stay in contact by telephone from the hospital to decide whether this section should be removed before the book is put into storage.’

‘I see.’

Mr Hall then explained that any special instructions would need to be drawn up officially and he could courier a copy later that day, but Eleanor became suddenly very distressed.

‘No. No. I don’t want anything in writing. My affairs. Well – Max will obviously be given access to everything and it is important that this remains confidential. Oh – sugar. I’m making this all sound very cryptic, aren’t I? Look. It’s a test result on my health that I’m waiting for. I really don’t want my husband stressed out any further. Not unnecessarily. I’m wondering if I will be able to make arrangements for that result to be conveyed to you via my doctor?’

‘I would need to look into that. There would be issues of confidentiality and consent to resolve. I am sorry if this all sounds unhelpful, but we have to follow procedure to the letter. Boring. But that’s the way of the law.’

‘Yes. I see that.’

Eleanor began to pinch her bottom lip.

‘How about we spend some time now, Mrs Dance? Trying to draw something up – at least about my taking the book immediately. Your wishes as they stand right now. Today. Then I can make some follow-up inquiries regarding your other suggestion and get back to you by telephone. Vis-à-vis this test result.’

‘Right. Yes. That’s a good idea,’ only now did Eleanor feel the roughness to her palm where she had been stroking the arm of the sofa too hard. Over and over. ‘Let’s do that. Yes. That will have to do for now.’

31

MELISSA – 2011

Max had slept badly ever since the meal with Melissa. He tried very hard not to think about the journal. What it might look like. Say. He also tried very hard not to think about Anna.

But, despite his very best efforts, the lurch was happening pretty much every day now. Sometimes in the car park as he clocked her arrival. Sometimes on the department as he saw her checking her watch and scurrying to a seminar. But the time it struck hardest was when he did not expect to see her at all – caught suddenly unawares. Turning a corner in the corridor. Across a canteen. Leaving the office in early evening when he had presumed that everyone else, Anna included, was long gone.

Max had decided it was lust and that it would pass. And then she turned up one morning with this stinking cold – hand up to her face, embarrassed by two cold sores which had appeared on her top lip. Ugly, crusty lumps. Red, raw nose and coughing and hacking also.