Ready To Love Again (46 page)

While he lay there, tears formed under his closed lids. He’d spent years avoiding his memories of the accident, but after letting it all go, it felt as if a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders. The energy it took to avoid thinking about it had taken a toll on his mental health over the years. Now that it was out in the open, he let himself feel every emotion he had experienced that fateful night.

He had blamed himself for something he had no control over. One small change could have saved Terri’s life, but there had been no way of knowing it at the time. Chase looked down at the beautiful sleeping woman beside him and buried his face in her hair. If their fates had been different, he wouldn’t have found Katie, and she and Shawn wouldn’t be a part of his life. That thought made his stomach constrict with guilt. He loved Terri, but that chapter of his life was over. It was time to move on. Terri would always hold a piece of his heart, but Katie had become the woman he couldn’t live
without.
 

He rubbed her back, and a small sigh slipped from her lips before she turned her head and looked up at him.

“Morning,” he whispered.

Katie pulled her hand from around his waist, rubbed one of her sleepy eyes, and then rested her cheek on his bare torso. “I love you.”

Chase hauled her up until she was sprawled across his chest, their faces inches apart. “I love you, too.”

He grasped the back of her neck and pulled her down until their lips touched. With a reluctant groan, she leaned back. Her long lashes fluttered against her cheek before she opened her eyes and met his gaze.

“What are your plans today?” she asked.

“I’m going to take a personal day from the hospital. I have some things I need to take care of.”

She searched his eyes for a moment before she nodded and let it go. He fell a little more in love with her at that moment because she knew when he needed to be left alone, pushed harder, or called out for his thickheadedness.

“Well, I need to get to work,” Katie said.

Pulling herself up, she pecked his lips and made her way to the bathroom to take a shower. Chase grabbed his phone and called the hospital to let them know he wouldn’t be in.

After he dropped off Katie at work, he drove into Pacific Grove and stopped at the little florist shop on Forest Avenue to pick up flowers. When he entered the cemetery gates, he felt his chest tighten. The fact that he hadn’t visited since he’d laid Terri to rest made him feel like he had neglected his duties as a husband.

Chase drove down the winding path to the center of the cemetery. Grabbing the flowers and a bottle of water, he climbed out of the car before he had a chance to change his mind. His feet were like bricks while he made his way to the plot. Glancing out over the grounds, he tried to avoid the sight of the headstone he had never seen. There was a sliver of ocean in the distance, along with the lighthouse and the first tee at the Pacific Grove Golf Course. Taking a deep breath of the cool morning air, Chase stopped under a cypress tree and took the final step he needed to move on with his life.

“Hello, Terri.”

He read the inscription that had been carved into the granite. 
Terri Lynn O’Donnell. Beloved Wife and Mother. December 22, 1979 ~ March 7, 2011. 
Chase took a steadying breath and sank to his knees in front of the headstone. Pulling off the lid to the stone’s metal vase, he poured in the water before adding his flowers. Then Chase sat back on his heels and stared at the arrangement, trying to gather his thoughts.

“I don’t know where to start. I don’t even know if you can hear me, but I have to believe you’re out there somewhere. Liz and Tony need you too much.”

The tears welled in his eyes, and he took another deep breath. He had struggled with his grief for three years, and he wasn’t going to allow himself to fall victim to the past again.

“I felt guilty for a long time for what happened. I thought if I’d done something different, maybe you’d still be here. That if it had been me who died, it would have saved our children so much grief. Then you’d have been here to raise them and our—” A lump formed in Chase’s throat, prohibiting him from even mentioning the child he had lost.

“I believe things happen for a reason and sometimes we don’t know what the reason is.” He looked toward heaven. “Maybe we’ll never know.”

He sniffed and then sat down next to Terri’s headstone. All the bad decisions he’d made since her death weighed on his shoulders.

“I need to apologize for the way I’ve handled your death. I let my actions hurt our children in so many ways. I didn’t care for them the way you would have wanted me to. I left Liz to find her own way of dealing with your death and haven’t kept your memory alive for Tony.”

Chase sat there for a long time, letting his painful mistakes echo in his mind. Little by little, he felt a sense of peace after admitting his faults. He traced his fingers over the engraving on the headstone.

“You were a wonderful mother, and I never dreamed I would find someone else. Especially someone like Katie, who loves Tony and Liz and treats them like her own children. She has a wonderful little boy, Shawn. He’s Tony’s age, and they’re inseparable.” Chase’s thoughts drifted to the boys’ brotherly bond. “He’s been good for Tony. He’s helped him out of his shell and is teaching him to be more outgoing. Katie has raised him well. He’s respectful, kind, and smart, with a little bit of stubbornness thrown in, like his mother.”

Chase felt the smile return to his face. “She makes me a better man—a better father.” He looked out over the grounds and felt a warmth wash over him like a comforting blanket. This was what he needed. It was time to let go of his past and embrace his future.

“I want her to be with me for the rest of my life. I know Katie and I haven’t been together for very long, but I’m going to ask her to marry me. I don’t want to live without her any longer. It’s taken me a while to understand that by loving her, I wasn’t betraying you. It just meant my heart had grown to include her and Shawn. I’m finally living up to the promise you wanted me to make to be happy. I’ll always love you, but I have to stop feeling guilty for living.”

He kissed his hand and touched the headstone. “Thank you for ten wonderful years, Terri. I love you.”

~*~

“Chase? What are you doing here?” Katie asked when he walked into her office. “I wasn’t expecting you until I got off work.” She sprang to her feet, and her hands went to his cheeks. “What’s wrong?”

Pulling her into his arms, he buried his face into her neck. “I needed to see you.”

Chase placed a kiss below her ear, and her hands went into his hair. She held him close for several moments. “Please talk to me.” Her whispered plea sounded frightened.

“I took flowers to Terri’s grave.” He pulled back and looked in her eyes. “I haven’t been there since we buried her. It was time to say goodbye.”
 

With a watchful eye, she nodded and pulled him back into her arms.
 

“Can you take your lunch now? I need to see Allison, and I want you to come with me.”

“Yeah, I just need to let Amelia know I’m leaving.”

Kissing his cheek, she pulled away and went out the door while he waited for her in the lobby.

Chase and Katie drove into Monterey, and he explained to her why he needed to speak to Allison. She was supportive and told him she’d be happy to go in with him or sit out in the waiting room—whatever he decided.

“Chase, it’s so nice to see you again,” Allison said when she took his hand in a firm shake.

“Thank you for seeing me outside of our regular schedule.” He turned to Katie. “I’d like to introduce you to my girlfriend, Katie.”

Allison smiled and took Katie’s hand, then motioned for them to have a seat on the couch while she pulled up a chair.

“What can I do for you two?”

“I went to the cemetery today and found some closure. I want to take the kids, but I’m not sure if that’s a good idea. They haven’t been there since we buried Terri.”

Allison looked thoughtful for a moment. “Sigmund Freud thought children didn’t have the ability to grieve. He believed it was too difficult an emotion for them to comprehend and that only in adolescence, when development was more advanced, did true mourning become possible.”

Chase looked aghast at the idea that his kids couldn’t grieve over their mother. The idea was preposterous.

“Do you believe this, too?” he asked.

She let out a short bark of laughter and shook her head. “Not at all. Some sections of our society think children should be kept away from the devastation of death, while others believe they’re resilient and will bounce back quickly. I think it’s somewhere in the middle. While children may go through the pain and grief from the death of a parent, they can also learn and grow with the help of supportive adults.”

Chase nodded his agreement, even though her words stung. He hadn’t been a supportive parent for a long time, so he needed reassurance that his actions wouldn’t harm them any more than he already had.

“So with what you know of our situation, do you think it would be okay to take them to visit their mother?”

“The reason I brought up Freud’s theories was so you could see that you have a firm grasp of your own children’s needs already. No one needs to tell you what is best for them. You already know. You need to have a little more faith in your decisions. Give them the choice, and see if they want to go. If they decide they would rather not, then maybe they could make a card or write a letter.” She reached out and touched his arm in a reassuring gesture. “Just make sure you’re there to discuss their experience and help them through it.”

~*~

Chase talked to Tony and Liz and asked if they wanted to visit their mother’s grave. He was struck by how much they didn’t understand about the idea of visiting her even though she was gone. Starting from the beginning, he told them a little about his experience. Liz thought about it before she said she wanted to go, whereas Tony shrugged his shoulders and said he didn’t mind.

They set time aside after their next family therapy appointment to make a trip down to the cemetery. Katie and Chase decided it would be best if he took the kids alone, so she opted to go back to his place and have dinner ready when they returned.

When Chase parked the car, he glanced at Liz in the rearview mirror and noticed she had a pensive look on her face. “Are you ready, sweetheart?”

Tony glanced from his father to Liz with a confused look. He didn’t seem to understand how hard this might be on his sister. Even so, he surprised Chase when, after they climbed out of the car, he wrapped his arm around her waist and hugged her.

Chase led them down to the gravesite, then stood back and let them have their space. Tony knelt down and replaced the flowers Chase had brought the day before with a fresh arrangement. Tony fussed with the stems for a moment before he rose and went to his father. Chase wrapped his arm around his shoulder while they all stood there in silence.

Liz turned to Chase with tears in her eyes. “What do I do?”

“What do you want to do?”

She shrugged her shoulders and looked up at him. “Nona said if I say my prayers, Mom will hear them. Should I say a prayer?”

Chase nodded. “That sounds like a good place to start.”

Liz looked at Tony, but he shook his head and stayed where he was. She turned back to the headstone and sank to her knees.

“Mom?” Liz’s voice cracked. “I miss you.” She paused while her shoulders shook. “Daddy got me a box I can put things in that remind me of you. I put Grandma’s bracelet in it. I remember you used to wear it all the time.” Her voice grew steadier while she became more comfortable with speaking to the wind.

After Liz went through the contents of her memento box, she launched into the more mundane things like school and everyday life. Chase caught himself smiling when she told Terri about Katie and Shawn. She had come so far in such a short amount of time. After a few more stories, Liz decided to wrap up her heart-to-heart.

“I love you, Mom. Amen.”

Chase smiled at the innocence of her faith, but then he felt Tony shaking against his side. Tears trailed down his son’s cheeks while he stared at the ground. Chase knelt beside him and grasped his pants’ belt loops.

“Are you okay, slugger?”

Tony’s face lifted until his blue eyes stared back at him. He shook his head, and a soft cry came from his lips. Chase took him in his arms and hugged him close, tucking Tony’s head under his chin.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Tony nodded but didn’t try to speak. Chase didn’t push him. Liz came up behind him and rubbed his back while he continued to soak their father’s shirt with his tears.

“What’s the matter?” Liz asked in a soothing voice. After a few sniffles, Tony pulled back and looked at Liz with glassy eyes.

“You remember Mom, but I don’t. You talked about her reading to you and playing at the park, but all I can remember is that she looked like you.” Tony turned back to his father, buried his face once more into Chase’s chest, and clung to him.

“Daddy, what would happen if you died like Mom?” he asked.

Chase gripped his son closer. “I’m not going anywhere.”