Princess for Hire (7 page)

“I bet. Oooh, I want that T-shirt! So ironic. Where’d you get it?”

“I made it.”

“A designer.” She winked. “I’m loving you already. We were just finalizing the surrogate assignments for the Lady Carol wedding. Why don’t you come in and I’ll show off our new star!”

“I’ll leave Desi for you, then—”

“Oh, don’t be shy, Meredith.” Lilith giggled. “Might be fun for you to see how we work at this level.”

She swept us into a large conference room, brightly lit, with comfortable chairs, a long table, and a projection screen filled with notes and pictures of various royals. Framed maps hung on the walls. Women of different nationalities (and very different hair colors) sipped coffee or flipped through documents. Lilith clapped her hands. “Everybody! I want you to meet Desi, our new surrogate! Come welcome her before I sweep her off for her Level One training.”

The group smiled at me warmly. Two women rushed over and gave me hugs. “Welcome to the Façade family! You are so lucky to have Lilith training you. She’s just the best!”

Meredith stifled a yawn. “Yes, Desi is in for a
rare
treat. Would love to visit, girls, but if I don’t go look after my clients, no one will.”

A woman with pink hair smiled. “Oh, Meredith, don’t rush off. Who
isn’t
busy? Stay for a bit.”

“Yes. A very little bit,” added a lemon-haired agent.

“I know. It’s been so long since we had girl time.” Lilith wrapped her arm around Meredith’s shoulder. Meredith looked like she was ready to heave. “You never told me if you found that poor sub who got lost. I can only imagine how awful that must have been.”

“Right. Well, sorry, girls. Duty calls.” Meredith turned her back to the other women. “Desi, I’ll be back in a few hours with your first assignment. Just have to finalize the details, but I can tell you”—she raised her voice so the others could hear—“it’s a big one. Ta-ta, girls!” With a neat pivot, Meredith left the break room.

“Charming as ever,” Pink Hair said under her breath. “My name is Agatha, by the way.”

“And I’m Priscilla,” said Yellow Hair. “Now, tell us. What’s Desi short for?”

“Nothing. Just Desi. It doesn’t mean anything.”

“Oh, I don’t take much stock in name meanings.” Lilith brushed her hand through her violet mane. “Mine has something to do with darkness. Ridiculous, right? That’s what’s so fun about being a surrogate. You get a new name for a while. And a new…everything.”

The other agents laughed.

Their hair was just so bright. I had to ask. “You all have such colorful hair. I mean, it’s pretty, but—”

“But?” teased Priscilla. “Don’t you think we’re fabulous?”

“Poor Desi, your head must be whirling,” Lilith said, laughing. “You change your hair when you become an agent; it’s a status mark of sorts. There’s only a handful of us, and we were all once surrogates like you, you know, which meant we weren’t allowed to see or interact with each other until we made our career move and ditched our
regular lives
.”

“Not to mention the commute!” added Agatha.

“And trying to balance home life with work stuff.” Priscilla shuddered. “Now we have an agency family.”

So what was Meredith, then, the annoying stepsister? “That’s cool,” I said. “Doesn’t the hair make people curious, though?”

“Oh, people lacking MP can’t see it, Desi dear,” Lilith said. “I’m a total redhead as far as they’re concerned. And we don’t spend much time out there in the normal world anyway, what with our busy schedules. Speaking of, I should steal you away for training.”

Agatha smoothed down her blouse. “Yes, I think we’re done here. I’ll secure Emily for Princess Rachel, then. She’s our strongest conversationalist.”

“Just make sure she doesn’t go
near
Rachel’s history with the groom.” Priscilla shook her head. “Ack, this wouldn’t be so difficult if everyone wasn’t skipping out. Lady Carol is such a beast; everyone wants a sub!”

“I bet her fiancé wants one too!” Agatha glanced back at the screen. “We’ll hammer it out. Go ahead, Lilith. And it was lovely meeting you, Desi.”

“You too. I had no idea how…wonderful you’d all be.”

Lilith wove her fingers into mine. “That’s just because you’re stuck with Meredith. She’s not the warmest cookie in the batch.” She squeezed my hand. “But we all know how special you are. Ready to get started?”

I looked down at our hands. Had Meredith even touched me, let alone shown warmth or kindness? No, all she’d done was roll her eyes and laugh at me. Oh, and pinch me.

And then there was Lilith.

“Yeah.” I squeezed her hand back. “Princess me up.”

Chapter
8

L
ilith guided me into the classroom, a perfect mix of the modern outer reception area and the royal charm of the tower. One worn, heavy desk that had probably belonged to a little princess a few hundred years ago faced a glass-and-metal table with a swivel chair. An oriental rug covered the floor, and track lighting poked out from the ceiling. There was a “Subs Learn and Earn!” poster, and Lilith’s desk held a few golden-framed pictures of her in different designer gowns.

“Let’s go over our history first to give you an educated foundation.” Lilith pointed a purple-jeweled remote at a blank screen that covered one entire wall, while I slid into my seat. “This first item is more precious to us than all those tiaras out there combined.”

I expected to see a fat set of crown jewels, or maybe even a throne made out of diamonds. Instead, a picture of a small and very old turquoise statue filled the screen—something you might pass by in a museum on the way to the mummy exhibit.

“Is that a…is that a hippopotamus?”

“Yes. Hippopotamuses are very important in Egyptian history, and in Façade’s as well. You see, this agency’s beginnings trace back to an ancient Egyptian priestess, Woserit, who was the first to discover the magic of transformation.” Lilith clicked to the next slide, a beautiful ebony statue of a woman’s head. “There she is. Now, those were dark times. The royal court was buzzing with rumors of a plot to murder the queen. Woserit was by the Nile, pondering her queen’s dire situation, when a hippo appeared and told her to rub some Nile silt onto her face—that’s the active ingredient in the rouge, you know. The silt temporarily transformed her into the queen’s double and inspired Woserit’s plan: until the traitors were apprehended, the queen would hide, and Woserit would masquerade as the queen. That very night, the traitors poisoned her food, and Woserit died protecting the queen, thus sealing the magic to all who serve royalty.”

“Wow,” I said. “Didn’t learn that in my sixth-grade Egyptian unit.”

Lilith laughed and turned off the projector. The lights came back on. “Don’t worry. We won’t let you get killed. Any other questions?”

Uh,
yeah
. “How many subs are there?” I asked.

“Surrogates, dear. Call them surrogates.
Sub
sounds so common. Anyway, there are several fine surrogates employed by the agency. I would say there’s about one surrogate for every six royals.”

One for every six? So I guess I kind of
was
a big deal. And I probably had a good shot at subbing, er, surrogating for big-time royals! “One more. How do the levels work?”

“Levels are assigned to royals based on the their country’s wealth, their world influence, the amount of protocol associated with the royal’s title.…It’s a very complex formula. Oh, and media attention.” Lilith beamed and showed me her diamond bracelet. “This was a gift for a particularly tricky maneuver.”

Tiaras, diamond bracelets. The job perks sure beat free Mountain Dew at Pets Charming.

“The higher the level,” Lilith continued, “the more the client can expect from her surrogates—such as a mastery in all the basics: riding, literature, world history, art history, and classical music. It’s a rare and talented individual who progresses past the first two levels. Only a select few ever match.”

“Match?”

“Oh, Desi, it’s the best. Matching is a surrogate’s main goal. Once you’ve worked for a princess multiple times, you may apply to be her match—her permanent substitute. You get to grow with your client, become close to her family, and really
live her life
. You can see why it’s important to be so keenly trained, right?”

“Yes. That’s…there’s so much involved,” I said, feeling daunted.

“Well, royal life is culture at its highest. But don’t worry, Desi dear, although it certainly doesn’t help your case that you are working with Meredith. Don’t get me wrong: she’s talented, just a bit of a renegade. She used to be something of a protégé, but then there was that scandal.”

I leaned in. “Scandal?”

Lilith waved her hand. “Oh, no. I did
not
mean to mention that. Let’s just say it was enough to strain important professional relationships and revoke her training privileges, which is why I’m so lucky to be working with you now! You see, and this is just between us girls, I usually get the high-profile, elite jobs. Sometimes, if I see enough promise, I might take a Level Two. So keep that in mind after your Level One performance review. Surely you can do dressage, yes?”

Thanks for nothing, Cunningham Stables. “No.”

“Any instruments? Archery? French literature?”

“I like theater,” I said, feeling myself vaporize.

“Well, acting is the most important skill,” Lilith said kindly. “But don’t worry, we’ll catch you up. Girls with MP are naturally fast learners. And far more mature than other girls. Besides, Level One really is the ideal practice turf because no one pays attention to those far-flung new royals and ugly ducklings. Now, I’ll bring out the tea set. It’s time to get down to business.”

Back in Idaho I’d sat through ten months of Mom’s charm school wondering
When am I ever going to use this?
Well, question answered. With my mom it was all about local beauty pageants, and with Lilith it was about having tea with the Crown Princess of Japan. Lilith walked me through dinner and tea etiquette and the specific protocols that varied by culture and order of eminence—like, if you’re a princess at a state dinner, no one may eat before you’ve tasted the food. Dream come true, right?

“That was fun, wasn’t it? Let’s move on to impersonation. My favorite.” Lilith cleared away our delicious tea (I remembered not to slurp, but got a pinched look when I inhaled a pastry). She perched herself on the edge of my desk.

“Now, a good sub is like a Method actor. Here, let’s try one role. Now, pretend you’re Princess Desiree, a girl with a wild-child rep, and I am your haughty great-aunt Lady Lily. We’re at a…let’s say a new exhibit at the Louvre. Here we go.” Lilith blinked and smiled a cool, perfectly royal smile. How did she do that? I swear her features all but morphed into a nosy aunt’s. “So, Desiree, sweetheart! You look divine. How are things at school?”

“I…I, uh…Wait, I’m the princess right now, right?”

Lilith nodded demurely. “Do you need a moment to get into character?”

“Oh! Of course, sorry.” I bit my lip and thought hard about this imaginary Desiree. Would a bad girl give her aunt snark? No, this might be the aunt who gives her the good presents. Better to ease into it. “School is, well, busy,” I said, attempting a wild-child smile.

“Wonderful!” Lilith cooed. “Oh, Desiree, I worry about you so. How are your classes, dear?”

“They’re…challenging. I really love art history, especially the Impressionists—”

Lilith rapped a ruler on the desk. “Oh, Desi. No no no. I understand, of course, your motives, but hon. You have no idea if this girl knows a Picasso from a Pissarro.”

“But they
are
at an art museum. And her classes must be hard.”

“Hmm. You’re on the right track, but to be safe, you should never be so direct. What if I say, ‘Oh? What do you think of Clement Greenberg’s stance on modernism?’”

Clement who? “Uh…”

“See, you’re stuck. Now, when you get in a bind like that, strategies include: coughing until someone offers you a beverage, changing the subject, or my specialty, flashing a royal jewel that somebody is bound to compliment. Worst-case scenario: fake laryngitis. Now, let’s give this another try.” With one blink, she flashed back into character. “So tell me, dear, how are your classes?”

This was tough. What if I didn’t answer the question at all? “Well, you know how it is. Same old. I get so tired of
learning
sometimes.”

Lilith patted my hand as if to say good job, but stayed right in character. “What’s this I hear about Duke Wellingford’s daughter and the dog walker? Poor thing, she must have no self-esteem because of her looks. A dog walker! Can you believe it?” Lilith sniffed.

“Maybe she really loves him?” I said, uncomfortable with Lilith/Lily’s tone. “I hope she’s doing all right.”

“Desi, Desi,” Lilith sighed. “If a royal gets caught with a dog walker, she’s totally free game. Plus, gossip is an excellent way to bond with another royal, not to mention a vastly entertaining pastime.”

I noticed I’d twisted the hem of my T-shirt into a knot. “But what if I think it’s mean? What if I want to stop Lady Lily from trashing someone who might be really struggling?”

“Method, Desi. You become that princess in your head, and you ONLY do as the princess would do. It’s so much fun that way!” She punctuated her words with her hand, like she was painting the image for me in the air. “Think of it. When you surrogate for a bratty princess, you get to BE bratty. When I was a surrogate, now and then I’d send my food back even if it was perfectly fine. Just because I
could
.”

Yeah, but weren’t they ever tempted to see what other uses there were for this magic? Look at the situation—I could help change Lily’s snobby opinion of the dog walker. Help this poor girl out!

Just because, you know, I
could
.

“Oh, dear. Look at the time!” Lilith exclaimed after we’d been practicing our impersonations for what felt like hours. As different princesses, I’d attended a funeral, presented an award, and posed for a photo shoot. “We have a few minutes. Why don’t we go check out Central Command?”