Poor Folk and Other Stories (38 page)

‘That night I hardly slept a wink, gentlemen; I spent the whole of it putting a document together; you see, I'd thought up a practical joke! Ach, gentlemen, I'm ashamed even to remember it! It wouldn't have been so bad if it had just been some idea I'd conceived during the night: well, if I'd been drunk, gone astray, concocted a lot of nonsense, written some rot – but no! I woke up at the crack of dawn next morning, having only slept an hour or two, and carried on with the same plan! I washed and dressed, I curled and pomaded my hair, I put on my new dress jacket and went straight to Fedosei Nikolaich's house for the holiday festivities with the document tucked inside my hat. He welcomed me with open arms, and again summoned me to his parental waistcoat. I assumed a dignified air, for last night's thoughts were still bubbling in my brain! I took a step backwards. “No, Fedosei Nikolaich,” I said, “but please be so good as to read this document” – and I gave it to him as a petition; and do you know what was in the petition? It said, “For such-and-such and such-and-such reasons Osip Mikhailich requests to be discharged,” and underneath this I'd scribbled the entire description of my rank! That was what I'd thought up, you see, Lord help me! I couldn't think of anything cleverer than that! It being the first of April, I had decided to pretend, for the sake of a joke, that I still had not got over my sense of injury, that I had had second thoughts during the night, had second thoughts and grown thoroughly morose, and was feeling more insulted than ever, saying, “Here's something for your ears, my dear benefactors – I don't want any more to do with either you or your daughter; I pocketed some money yesterday, so I'm provided for, and here's a petition requesting my discharge. I don't want to work under a boss like Fedosei Nikolaich! I want to be transferred to another section, and then you'd better watch out, because there I'll inform on you to the authorities. That was the kind of scoundrel I presented myself as – I'd decided to give them a fright! And a pretty good way of frightening them I'd found! Eh? Don't you think, gentlemen? In other words, my heart had begun to warm to them since the previous day, so in return I thought I might have a little joke at the family's expense, and tease the dear parental heart of Fedosei Nikolaich…

‘No sooner had he taken my document and unfolded it than I saw his entire physiognomy undergo a rapid change. “What on earth, Osip Mikhailich?” he said. And I, like an idiot, said: “April fool! Happy holiday to you, Fedosei Nikolaich!” Just like a little boy who has been hiding behind his grandmother's armchair and then suddenly shouts “Oof!” into her ear at the top of his voice in order to give her a fright. Yes… I feel ashamed even just telling you about it, gentlemen! And, in fact, no! I shan't tell you!'

‘Oh, go on, what happened next?'

‘Yes, continue the story! Go on,' voices said on all sides.

“There was a flurry of rumours and gossip, of oh's and ah's, dear sirs! They said I was a prankster, a joker, said I'd given them a fright – such extremely sweet things that I even felt embarrassed, stood there in terror wondering how a holy place such as this could ever possibly have come to accommodate a sinner like myself. “Oh, my dear man,” squeaked the councillor's wife, “you gave me such a fright that my legs are still a-tremble, they can hardly hold me up! I ran across to Masha like a woman half crafcy. “Mashenka,' I said, ‘what's to become of us? Look at the sort of man your intended has turned out to be! It's my fault too, he's like one of the family, you must forgive an old woman, I made a fool of myself.' Well, I thought, when he left our house yesterday and arrived home late, perhaps he began to think, perhaps he fancied that we'd made such a fuss of him on purpose, that we were trying to entice him into ourweb – and I nearly passed away at the thought! That's enough, Mashenka, that's enough of your winking at me; Osip Mikhailich is no stranger to us and I am your mother, after all – I shan't make any objections! I haven't been living in the world for only twenty years, thank the Lord, but a good forty-five…”

‘Well, gentlemen, I almost tumbled in a heap at her feet right there and then! Again a few tears were shed, again there was kissing and embracing. More jokes got under way! Fedosei Nikolaich had in his wisdom also decided to concoct a bit of April foolery! He told us that the Firebird had come flying down carrying a letter in its diamond beak! He also tried to deceive us – what laughter there was! What tender emotion! Pah! It's humiliating even to tell you about it!

‘Well, my good sirs, that's more or less the long and the short of it. We spent one day, two days, three days, a week together, and in no time at all I was the perfect fiancé! Why, the rings were ordered, the day was appointed, only they didn't want to declare the banns in advance, as they were waiting for the government inspector to arrive. So was I, but I'd run out ofpatience – myhappiness depended on that government inspector! Let's get it over with quickly, I thought. And in the midst of all the bustle and celebrations Fedosei Nikolaich unloaded all the work on to me: I was to draw up the accounts, write the reports, check the ledgers, balance the totals. I went to take a look: everything was in the most terrible state of chaos and desolation, there were snags and tangles everywhere. Well, I thought, I suppose I don't mind putting myself out for my father-in-law. He'd been taken ill with some complaint or other, and from day to day you could see he was getting worse. Why, I myself was as thin as a matchstick, I couldn't sleep at nights, I was afraid I'd have a breakdown. But I managed to complete the work magnificently! I helped him out on time! Suddenly a messenger arrived – they'd sent him to me. “Hurry,” he said, “Fedosei Nikolaich is in a bad way!” I went running off at breakneckspeed – whaton earth? I looked, and there was my Fedosei Nikolaich bandaged with a vinegar compress
round his head, screwing his face up, moaning and groaning. “Oh! Oh! My dear, good boy,” he said, “if I die, who will look after you, my fledglings?” His wife came in, dragging all their children with her. Mashenka was in tears – well, even I began to snivel a bit!”No,” he said, “God will be merciful, he won't make you answer for all my transgressions!” Then he told them all to go out of the room and close the door after them, and we were left alone, he and I, face to face with each other. “I have a request to make of you,” he said. “What's that?” I asked. “Well, dear boy, I'm getting no rest even on my deathbed, I'm completely skint!” “How did that happen?” At that point I blushed scarlet, and lost my tongue. “Well, it's like this, dear chap: I had to pay some of my own money to the Treasury; it's not that I grudge anything for the common weal. I wouldn't even grudge my life for it! Don't go thinking anything like that! It makes me sad to think that slanderers should have blackened my name to your ears… You were mistaken, and my hair has turned white from grief since that time. The government inspector is practically on top of us and Matveyev is seven thousand rubles short, and I'm responsible… who else? They'll make me answer for it, dear boy: where was I looking? And how can I get it from Matveyev? He's had enough already; why should I do the poor wretched fellow in?” “Sainted fathers,” I thought, “there's a righteous man for you! What a soul!” “The thing is,” he said, “that I don't want to touch the money that's been set aside for my daughter's dowry – that's a sacred sum! It's true that I have money of my own, but I've lent it all to various people, and how could I get it back all at once?” I flung myself on my knees before him, without further ado. “My benefactor!” I shouted, “I have insulted you, I have greatly offended you, it was slanderers who wrote those reports about you, don't crush me utterly, take your money back!” He looked at me, and the tears flowed from his eyes. “I expected no less of you, my son. Arise,” he said. “I forgave you then for the sake of my daughter's tears – now my heart, too, forgives you. You have healed my wounds. I bless you for ever more!” Well, when he blessed me, gentlemen, I scarpered off home at the double and got the money. “Here, father, it's all here, apart from fifty rubles which I've spent!” “Well, never mind, every little counts now; there's not much time – write up a backdated report, saying you've run out of funds and are asking for fifty rubles' salary in advance. Then I'll be able to show officially that you were paid that money on account…” Well, gentlemen, what do you suppose I did? Yes, I actually wrote up that report!…'

‘Oh, really… Well, what happened then? How did it all end?'

‘No sooner had I written the report, my dear sirs, than it all ended in the following manner: bright and early the next morning there arrived an envelope with a government seal. I looked – what had I received? A discharge notice! I was told to hand in my work, square my accounts and be off wherever the wind blows!'

‘How could that be?'

“That's just what I shouted at the top of my voice, gentlemen: “How can this be?” Why, my ears had fairly started to ring. At first I thought it was fairly straightforward – but no: the government inspector had arrived in town. My heart missed a beat!”No, there's more to it than meets the eye,” I thought. I hurried off to see Fedosei Nikolaich, just as I was. “What's this?” I said. “What's what?” he replied. “This discharge notice!” “What discharge notice?” “This one!” “Well, so what if it is a discharge notice?” “But I didn't ask to be discharged!” “What? You put in an application. You put it in on the first of April.” (I hadn't taken my document back!) “Fedosei Nikolaich, do my ears hear correctly, do my eyes deceive me? Is this really you?” “Of course it's me – who else?” “Good God!” “I'm sorry, sir, I can't say how sorry I am that you've decided to retire from your post so early. A young man needs to work, and you've been behaving in rather a light-headed sort of way recently. But as for your testimonial, put your mind at rest: I'll do the necessary. You've always given a very good account of yourself!” “But it was just a joke, Fedosei Nikolaich, I never intended… I only gave you the document for your parental… you know…” “No, I don't know. What do you mean, it was just a joke, sir? Does one make jokes with that kind of document? If you go on playing jokes like that you'll end up being sent to Siberia one of these days. But now I must say goodbye, I've no time to talk to you; we have the inspector general here, and the demands of duty must come first; it's all very well for you to sit around kicking your heels, but we have work to do. But I will see that you get a proper testimonial. Oh, there's one other thing: I've just bought Matveyev's house from him. We shall be moving in in a couple of days' time, and I hope I shall
not
have the pleasure of seeing you at our housewarming. A safe journey to you!” I scurried off home as fast as my legs would carry me. “We're lost, grandmother!” I cried. She began to wail, poor old soul; and
then, as we watched, one of Fedosei Nikolaich's boy-servants came running up with a note and a starling in a cage; out of the kindness of my heart I gave her the starling; the note said “April ist” – that was all. There, gentlemen; what do you think of that?'

‘Well, and what happened then? Go on, tell us!'

‘Oh, not much. I once ran into Fedosei Nikolaich, and was about to tell him to his face that he was a villain…'

‘Yes?'

‘But somehow I couldn't get the words out, gentlemen!'