Playing My Love (27 page)

  Not like today.  Today had been ugly.  Abhorrent. 

  I had made it to the dark country roads that wound through the rolling fields to our cottage.  No.  Fuck.  To
my
cottage now.

 
Gray's life insurance would ensure I was extremely comfortable for a long while, and I still had about seventeen thousand left in the bank.  I didn't have to worry about anything financially for a long time.

  These were the memories I wanted to remember.  I wanted to remember him as Doc, the guy who trimmed his nose hair despite my incessant teasing about it.  The guy who
went to the gym twice a week, who couldn't swim, who looked handsome in a tuxedo, who saved lives!  The guy I married!  I didn't want to remember him when he was Gray, when his weight dropped away and he got out of breath on a gentle walk through the fields behind our cottage.  When I was writing this, I didn't want to write about how ill he was or how hard it was seeing him in pain.  I wrote this because of Darcy, and how she saved me.

  "Alison?  Alison?"

  I kept walking, still on autopilot for home, not really knowing how to stop.  A firm hand on my arm managed that though and I swayed with the loss of momentum.  I suddenly became aware of an extreme exhaustion flooding through me, sapping the last of my strength.  The darkness darkened, and the numbness numbed me completely.

                                                            
16

                                                    Darcy

  I woke up immediately as the light came on.

  "Darce, wake up!  Karen's on the phone for you.  She says it's urgent!"  Nicki said breathlessly.  I checked the time as I swung my legs out of bed and frowned.  It was four am.  I cursed the fact we didn't have a cordless phone as I walked quickly out into the cold lounge.

  "What is it?  Did she say?"  I asked, but she shook her head, looking anxious.  I picked up the phone.  "Hey
, Kaz, what's going on?"

  "
Heya, Darcy, I hope you don't mind me calling you this late, but I thought you'd want to know.  Me and Stu were on our way back from The Kitchen about twenty minutes ago, and we passed that lady you were seeing."

  "We weren't seeing each other"  I said automatically, just as the words sunk in.  "Hold on, what do you mean you passed her?"

  "We were driving through town, and as we were approaching the back roads, she was just there…"
  Karen paused.

  "She lives in a cottage just off the back roads…what do you mean she was walking?  Didn't you offer her a lift?"  I said, frowning as I looked out of the window at the harsh rain lashing against the pane.  A shiver ran down my back.

  "That's just it, Darce!  We did!  She didn't even look at us!  She…she sort of looked in a really bad way, like she'd been in a fight or something.  Her face was swollen and bleeding, and she was just wearing a t shirt and trackie bottoms.  She didn't look right.  I don't know if she's taken any drugs or if she's had some sort of a breakdown or…"

  "Thanks for letting me know
, Karen"  I sad quickly, hanging up.  Nicki was staring at me expectantly.

  "Something's happened to Alison.  I've got to go"  I said, running to my room.  I gave Nicki a brief rundown of what Karen had told me as I got dressed, thinking to grab a thick fleecy blanket as I did.  It was freezing out there and she was walking around
in a t shirt?
  My adrenaline was pumping as I ran out of the flat, ignoring Nicki.

  As I drove, my mind raced.  The situation between Gray and Alison had always been a puzzling one that I'd spent months trying to work out.

  At first, I'd been certain he'd been either emotionally and, or physically abusive toward her, and I'd hoped that she would confide in me the closer we became.  But despite my suspicions, Gray just didn't set off any warning bells when I spoke to him.  He just came across as genuinely lovely and nice, and from the tender, wistful way he would look at Alison, I had to wonder if I wasn't
wanting
him to be a bad guy because of my feelings for her.

  Then I'd met Jazz, and
she referred to Gray as Doc.  It brought to mind a conversation I'd had with Alison where she'd said that Gray would never hurt her, or anyone. 
Gray
wouldn't…but what about Doc?

  Was there a possibility he was schizophrenic? Could that be the reason behind the sudden move to the country
, Alison's tears and sadness?  I'd mulled it over and over, doing my best to casually psychoanalyse him whenever I was around him.  But I just got nothing but good vibes from him and I was usually pretty good at picking up on stuff like that.

  Then Alison had stopped the guitar lessons at her place, so I couldn't see him anymore to even muse about whether the problem
lay with him or not.  I tried to analyse her behaviour instead, but found it odd and confusing.  She obviously felt attracted to me, but she'd also made it quite clear that she would never leave Gray, no matter what.  This reinforced my belief that she was caring for him in some way.

  But in
what
way?

  To say she confused me would be an understatement.  She teased me and flirted with me, acting like there was a possibility of a future together, while at the same time playing the doting wife to Gray.

  It was at my graduation ceremony that I noticed how ill he looked.  I'd tried not to look surprised at his weight loss or gaunt appearance.  He seemed to be happy though and had joined in with teasing that car salesman.

  Then.

  Then Alison and I had made love under the stars.  Just remembering it now made my heart flutter, as it always did (when I allowed myself to indulge in the memory.)  It had started out raw, hungry almost, as we finally touched each other.

  But then, as I'd been lying on top of her, something had changed.  I'd always known that I had fallen hard for her, but what I felt as I stared into her eyes had almost scared me.  It had been so much deeper, and way more intense than I ever imagined was possible!  It went way beyond anything I'd ever experienced with Sam.  I'd meant it when I told her it had felt like I was looking into her soul.

  So when she told me she needed time, I thought it was because she was going to leave Gray, and that she needed the space to sort it all out.  I could understand that, and while it killed me to be the cause of their break up, I couldn’t help how my heart felt so I let her be.  What I didn't understand was the complete and total elimination from her life on her return from their holiday.  Not even a single text to say she needed more time.  The only conclusion I could come to was that she'd rekindled her relationship with Gray on their trip and she was too ashamed and embarrassed to see or even talk to me anymore.

  It hurt me more than Sam had ever hurt me.  At first I refused to believe it, and just relived those moments together under the stars on graduation night over and over again, telling myself it had all been real and mutual.  But the more time passed, the more my heart cracked and splintered, until eventually it just broke altogether.  My optimism laughed in my face and slammed the door on its way out, taking my happiness with it for good measure.  I spiralled into a depression no one could drag me out of, realising the cosy future I'd envisaged with Alison had just been a ridiculous fairy tale. 
Of
course
she was going to stay with her husband!

  Nicki had been no help whatsoever, saying I should have seen it coming and that I shouldn't have given Sam up for her.  I had to keep reminding her that she'd never wanted me to get back with Sam because she knew I would have moved to the States to be with her, and also that I didn't really give Sam up for Alison.  I gave Sam up because I realised I was going to her for the wrong reasons.  Yes, I still loved her, and I cared for her more than I could ever
express in words.  But since she'd rejected me, something in me had changed.  I was no longer in love with her.

  I had recently, however, seriously contemplated meeting up with her again.

  I sped through the rain, questioning my motives.  How was I going to feel seeing her again?  Would she blank me?  Or tell me to leave her alone?  What would I do if she did?

  Think, think, think Darcy?

  When I'd first seen Sam, I'd
known
I was going to spend the rest of my life with her.  When I'd first seen Alison I'd just felt extremely attracted to her.  In fact, I'd only sung the song out of pure cheek, about how nice it would be to touch her body!  When she'd sombrely approached, her expression was so serious I thought I'd offended her!  Then I noticed she'd been crying, and on the spur of the moment had offered her coffee and a shoulder to cry on.  I spotted the wedding band almost instantly, and although the attraction remained, I had absolutely no intention of pursuing her romantically.  Having an affair with a married, and most definitely straight woman, was completely out of the question.

  I shivered, turning the car heater up to full blast.  The temperature gauge said it was
seven degrees outside, but it felt lower with the bitter cold rain and harsh wind.  I found the road Karen said she'd seen her Alison walking along and slowed my speed down.

  The power of the attraction between us had let itself be known when I'd gone to rescue her from her car breaking down.  The jolt from her hand on my knee had not only been enough to make me crash into a tree, but to make me realise how much I wanted this woman!
  I mean, I truly wanted her!  The entire walk back to her house, I'd fantasised about it.  How her skin would feel, how her lips would taste.  But then I'd met Gray, her husband, her partner for life.  All those thoughts dissolved into a bitter ash and I felt awful for even thinking them.  I made the decision that flirting was fine.  Thoughts of an affair were
not
fine.

  And despite Alison's shameless flirting back with me, I managed to hold my control in check.  I probably wouldn't have ever crossed the line either, but then she did that
instead by kissing me at the train station.  All the careful barriers and blocks I'd had in place were demolished like sand castles under a tsunami.

  The making love on the beach
must have freaked her out.  It must have been too intense for her because she was going to some pretty extreme lengths to avoid me now.  She'd always told me she would never leave Gray, but I didn't listen.  Why hadn't I listened?

  Sam on the other hand was single, willing to risk losing her family for me, and genuinely loved me.  Was there a possibility that I could fall in love with her again?

  I exhaled slowly.  This had been the burning question on my mind for the last few weeks.  I was learning how to let go of Alison, even though thinking about her still made my heart skip multiple beats.  But it was easier said than done.

  Such as now, driving through the night, because it sounded like she was in trouble.  I was furious at myself for not holding back, although not as disgusted at myself for sleeping with her when she'd still been with Gray.  It was something I'd berated myself over ever since.  How on earth could I even entertain having a relationship with someone who was capable of cheating?  I couldn't ever
trust her after that, could I?  More importantly, what sort of a person did it make me?  Being the 'other woman.'  I could have said no, right?

  I had to question whether the reason Gray looked so gaunt and ill was because he knew what was going on, that he was losing his wife and it scared him.

  No.  No matter what happened tonight, I'd already made my decision.  Last week I'd talked to Sam about whether we could still have a future together.  I wanted to move on with my life and let Alison go.

  It was as I was thinking this thought that I saw her, a thin figure in the distance.  She looked like something out of some weird zombie film, stumbling slowly in the rain, her hair plastered to her head, clothes hanging from her skinny frame.

  "What the hell, Alison?"  I muttered to myself, pulling in behind her and putting my hazard lights on.  I got out and called her name.  She didn't respond so I shouted louder.  She
should
have heard me, but made no indication that she had.  Frowning, I caught up with her and took hold of her icy arm.  She stopped walking and swayed, turning her head toward me.  I was shocked at not only the bruising on her raw face, but the vacant expression.

  "Jesus, Alison, what the fuck happened?"  I asked, thinking my zombie comparison seemed very close to the mark.  She stared at me through drooping eyelids, almost as if she didn't recognise me.  She moved her jaw and made a noise, but her lips were so blue I could tell she was incapable of forming a single word, let alone a full sentence.
  Then her body crumpled and before I could catch her, she was laying at my feet.  "Shit!  Hold on!"