Pitcher's Baby (23 page)

Charlee,

My sweet, sweet daughter. God, how blessed
I have been these last few weeks with you.

You surprised me. The young lady you have
grown into is more than I could have ever wished for. The strength you show
when confronted with life changing obstacles gives me hope that this situation
you're faced with now won’t break you.

Since you're reading this letter, I know I
have passed on. Know this, baby: I went happy, with peace in my soul. All I
ever wanted in life was to love you and your brothers and in turn be loved by
you. You have given me that. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU.

Now for the fun part. I never got a chance
to pass on life advice to you while I was alive, mostly because I wasn't
around, so I am going to do it now . . .

LOVE.

I mean it, Charlee. Love. Love every
chance you get. Love with every fiber of your being. Give it away every chance
you get, but more importantly, open your heart to receive it back. Let it
consume you. Don't hold back in fear. Your love is beautiful. Share it with the
world. This is by far the most important of my request, and I hope with all
that I am that you listen. I'll be watching.

Find your brother. I don't mean
physically, but rather find the real Matt. He's lost inside that addiction
somewhere, begging for someone to help him. You can do it. You two have an
amazing bond. Help him find himself. Don't give up on him. Don't lose him.

Lastly, don't settle in life because you
think you don’t deserve better. You deserve the absolute best in life. Travel
the world. Visit your family in Las Vegas. Make friends in Europe. Go wherever
your heart leads you. Stop hiding. You are perfect in every way imaginable.
Show the world that you are.

Let your light shine, baby.

Always
& Forever,

Mom

Lucas
is standing inside the door staring at me, his bright, soulful brown eyes
locked on mine when I lift my head from the tearstained letter in my lap.
Everything hits me all at once. I love this man. I love him with every fiber of
my being. I love him so much it terrifies me. This is the type of love that
destroys everything else in its path, and I don’t know how to handle it. I’ve
already allowed it to consume me, and now . . . now I need out.

“I just . . . I just can't do this. I'm so
sorry, but this is not me. You deserve someone so much better than me. I am a
ball of messiness. I can't even get my own shit together. I refuse to drag you
down with me in this chaos I call life.”

He stares at me for a minute while
processing my words. I know I just hit him with a load of shit all at once, but
I know if I don't do this now, then I'll never do this. I'll continue on
through my life leaning on everyone around me for support and never truly
becoming the person I know I am. I feel her buried somewhere deep inside of me,
waiting until I'm ready for her to come out. It’s sad that it took the death of
my mother for me to reach this point in my life, the point where I’m ready to
be better. I have no doubt the road ahead of me is going to be HELL, but I’m
ready.

“Charlee, what are you talking about?
Don't do this. I know you're hurting, but don't push me away. Let me be there
for you. Let me help you. I love you, Charlee. I fucking love you.”

“I can't. I thought I could love you. I
thought I could make this work, but the truth is, I can't. I am selfish. I am
needy, and I have so many issues that most days, I can't even find the light. I
wanted to be the girl who made you happy, the one who you couldn't wait to get
home to and tell all about your day. I wanted to be the girl who you shared
your life with, but I am not that girl. I can't be.”

I see the moment my words hit him and the
way he turns his head and tries to hide the fact that I just broke his heart in
two. I hate myself for doing this to him, but it can't be helped. If he loves
me, truly loves me, then he will give me this time to find myself. I don't
expect him to put his life on hold while he waits for me—the opposite, really.
I want him to go and find the path his life is supposed to be on and set me
free to do the same thing.

“You can't love me? Or you don't want to?”
I hear the anger creeping into his voice now, and it breaks my heart even more,
but anger is good. It’s better than pain.

“Both. I just . . . I don't want this.
Okay? Please, Lucas. Just let me go.”

Even if I wanted to try to make this thing
between us work, I can't. I have to get through this on my own and find myself.
I need to be able to say that I am whole. If I stay with him right now, I know
he will make me feel better. He will hold me and console me through all of
this, but I'll just be using him as a crutch. He will become my barrier against
all the things in my life that could hurt me when we should be partners in this
together. He should want to stand by my side and hold me when I am not strong
enough to stand, but I need him to give me the strength to stand up and fight
my own battles, not just hold me while they rage around me. That is why I must
walk away.

“Goodbye, Lucas.”

The door closes softly behind me,
finalizing my decision. I stand there for a moment, letting the reality of what
I just did wash over me. It hits me suddenly, and I reach for the doorknob,
ready to snatch it back open and apologize for everything I just said, but I
can't. My breath hitches as the first tears fall from my lids. I swipe them
away and take a step back, then another and another until I am out the front
door and locking Everly’s base into the backseat of my car.

I can't see to drive now. The tears are
falling so fast. I hiccup loudly and then choke on the sob that is forcing its
way out of my chest. I scream into the silence of my car, beating my hands
against the steering wheel until I can no longer feel them, and then I draw a
deep breath and start the engine. I can't keep sitting here, otherwise he will
walk out and find me, and right now, I am too weak to deny him if he tries to
pull me into his arms.

Wiping my eyes one more time, I put the
car in reverse and head home. I don't know what tomorrow will hold or how I
will even make it through tonight, but I know one thing for sure. I won't shove
the pain down. I won't pretend it doesn't hurt. I want to feel it all. For the
first time since I was ten years old, I am going to allow the pain to infect
me. I let it flow over me and consume me, reminding me that it was all real.
And then, slowly, I will move through it. I know it’s going to take time and a
lot of work, but I refuse to slip back into the dark, lonely abyss again.

Chapter Thirty-Nine

Lucas

I follow her.

There is no way in hell I’m letting her
go. I know she is hurting and she thinks she needs space, but I have been there
when the grief is swallowing you whole and you don’t know how to deal with it.
I know how it feels to just want to get away and not know how.

I can help her.

I will.

She turns off the interstate, and after
three more miles, I realize we are headed straight to the airport. She’s
planning to get on a plane and leave town for good. My heart breaks.

Not just for us and the fact that she is so
willing to leave, but for her and the amount of pain I know she must be feeling
right now.

She pulls into the parking garage and I
park next to her, jumping out before she has a chance to pull Everly from the
backseat.

“I can’t let you go, Charlee.”

“Lucas, what the fuck are you doing? I’m
leaving, and I need to you let me go. I told you I’m done. I don’t want you. I
don’t want us. It was fun while it lasted, but it’s over now and I’m done.”

“No. Fuck that, Charlee. I refuse to let
you run away from me. I refuse to let you bury this pain and hide behind anger.
I don’t care if you get angry at me. I don’t care if you hate me. Anything is
better than shoving it down inside of yourself and pretending it doesn’t exist.
It does. And sometimes it fucking hurts. Life fucking hurts. I get that now.
You showed me that.

I love you. I love you, and I love that
beautiful little girl in there more than anything else in this world, and I
want to spend every day of the rest of my life showing you how much I love you,
but I need you to want this too.” I pour my heart out her, tears freely falling
from my eyes. I don’t care. I need her to see how much I need her.

“I need you to fight for us.”

“Fight for this family and the future we
can have together, baby.”

“Please,” I beg. “Je t'aime. Je t'aime,
bébé.”

“That’s not fair. You can’t break out the
French on me. You know I can’t resist that,” she says, reaching for me. I pull
her close and vow in that moment to never let her go. I don’t care what
obstacles we may face in the future. We will face them together.

Epilogue

Lucas

Two years later.

She finally said yes. Even after I asked
her a dozen times, she wanted to wait until she started her photography career
and built a client base. Secretly, I’m so fucking proud of her I can’t stand
myself. She had a dream, and she did everything it took to make sure she
followed it.

The music starts playing, and my little
girl skips down the aisle carrying the soft white pillow with our rings tied to
the middle. Following behind her is Ashlin, the maid of honor, and Aaron is my
best man. Before I know it, the matrimonial chords are playing and my bride is
gliding down the aisle with effortless grace. My heart jumps in my chest when I
catch my first sight of her. She looks like an angel, walking with her father
by her side. I fight every instinct to rush to her and gather her in my arms
where she belongs.

“My God, you are beautiful,” I whisper to
her when her father rests her hand in mine. Her cheeks blush a bright pink
color that she tries to hide with the waves of curling locks cascading around
her face. I refuse to let her ever hide from me again. She is perfect just the
way she is. We still have our bad days.

Both of us.

There are still days where it’s a struggle
for me to get up and get out of bed. Having her and Everly in my life didn’t
erase the pain of my past, but they did dull it, and their constant presence
gives me the strength I need to go on. We are there for each other. Every day.

Forever.

The minister finishes his long awaited
duties, and I finally hear the words I’ve longed to hear.

 “I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.”

Dipping her back, I capture her lips with
mine, sealing the deal. Sparks erupt between us. I want to lift her in my arms
and carry her away right this second, but the constant tugging on my pant leg
reminds me that I can’t do that just yet. Releasing my beautiful bride, I look
down into the sparkling gray eyes of my daughter.

“Can I give Mommy a kiss too, Daddy?”

“You sure can, Princess,” I say, lifting
her in my arms and passing her to her mommy. Her chubby little arms wrap tight
around her neck before she plants her precious lips against hers.

“I wub you, Mommy”

“I love you too, baby.”

The End.

Acknowledgments

This is my favorite part of the book, the
part where I get to give my thanks to everyone who touched me along my journey.
So without further ado . . .

Jess, I couldn’t imagine where I would be
right now without you. Your encouragement and support have no bounds, and I
will forever be grateful!

Amy, girl . . . you know you had to make
in here. As the bona fide bestie, it is your right! So thank ya, Sista, for all
the midnight phone calls and the endless talks about absolutely nothing! Hah!

Sabrina, chick, you deserve so much more
than a comment in the back of a book. This book wouldn’t be where it is without
you and all your help. Thank you so much!

Val, my sweet, kitty-loving editor, thank
you for chatting with me when my brain wouldn’t shut off and for catching all
the many, many, many past/present tense mistakes. I really am trying to do
better.

Finally, I need to thank Prism Heart Press
for taking a chance on me and helping make my dreams of becoming a full-time
writer come true. I look forward to many more years of annoying you with my
countless crazy ideas.

About
The       Author

By day, I am known as Mommy, Wifey, Sister, Bestie. I live off
Starbucks and Panera Bread.     

I am addicted to both.           

I am not ashamed.

They fuel my soul and my body so that by night I can become the
person I want to be.      Author.           

Writer.

Story
Builder.

World Creator.           

I live moment to moment in this crazy fast world and I cherish
every single second of it like it is my last. I wake before the sun comes up
every day and enjoy the sound of coffee trickling into the pot as the kids
snooze on blissfully unaware until the brilliant sun shines across the horizon
lighting my soul ablaze. I love brightness. It consumes me.

You can like her on Facebook here
.

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