Perfecting Patience (4 page)

Five

Patience

Sex with Zeke.

That’s the only thing that even came close to giving me the high that soccer did.

As I ran across the field in complete control of the black-and-white ball, I lost myself. The exhilaration and the power I yielded on the field felt amazing. Control. It was all about having control over something. I’d lived without a certain measure of power for my entire life. Soccer had always remedied that. How could I have ever thought I could quit soccer cold turkey?

My teammate, Hope, ran up beside me and I kicked the ball to her. We continued that pattern down the field until finally she passed it to me and I kicked it straight into the net. The goalie dropped to her knees in an attempt to stop the ball and then punched the grass in aggravation after it zoomed past her.

“Hell yeah!” Hope said as she high-fived me. “We’re going to dominate this season.”

It was just practice, but it had been so long since I played and had teammates. I hadn’t realized how much I missed it.

Originally, the whole school thing was a tiny white lie to buy myself some time away to get better. It was something I told Zeke so he’d agree to a long-distance thing. The last thing I wanted was for him to miss out on the tour, and I knew I had a long way to go. I also knew Zeke being around would hinder my progress.

I couldn’t go around pretending I was all better. I needed to face my demons and actually get better. When he was around, I couldn’t be sick. He would understand, no questions asked, but I was sick and tired of being the sick girl, the broken girl with issues. It was time I became the girl Zeke thought I was.

He once told me I was the strongest girl he knew. I couldn’t tell him then, but he was so wrong. I was weak and me going into a crazy anxiety attack right in from of him was proof of that. Luckily he had no idea it was an anxiety attack, but still, it was embarrassing all the same.

I was covered in internal scars. There’s
a funny thing about scars. You can cover them up and hide them, but no matter what you do, they’re always there. They mark you and let everyone who can see them know you’re damaged goods. I was damaged goods. Even though my scars were hidden deep within me where no one could see them, I knew they were there. He knew they were there, too. Some scars never heal. Some get bigger as you grow. They reflect a past that’s branded on your soul and no matter what good comes your way, nothing can soothe the pain they inflict.

Dr. Jensen, my therapist, said soccer was the best thing for me. For so many years I used the sport as my release. She thought returning to the game was a nice way to start my healing process. So because of that, I ended up enrolling in Florida State. Well, that and the fact that Aunt Sarah and Sydney were quite possibly the pushiest women in the world. Sydney could be quite convincing with her sweet skillful manipulation.

Turns out, running to Aunt Sarah and confessing everything was probably one of the best things I could’ve done. Asking for help wasn’t as easy as you’d think, and when I told her I was positive I was starting to have panic attacks, she was understanding and gentle when she suggested Dr. Jensen.

*

“So how was class and practice yesterday?” Dr. J asked as she tapped her pen on her clipboard.

She crossed her slender legs and directed her blue eyes at me. I’d often thought about how much I admired her blue eyes and fire-red hair. She was older but beautiful, and I liked the fact that she didn’t judge me. Whether or not that was because she was paid to listen to me, she never flinched, never judged, even when I told her every disgusting detail of my life. That was the hardest two weeks of my life.

“It was okay.”

She looked at me over the rim of her sleek black glasses. “As in you barely made it through your week or as in nothing exciting happened?”

She lifted her coffee cup from the mahogany table beside her and took a sip.

Her office wasn’t like those of the quack doctors you see on TV. It was a warm and inviting room with big comfy furniture and a bowl full of chocolate. The woman knew about depression. Nothing could crack a depressed face into a smile like chocolate.

I snatched up a foil-wrapped piece, unwrapped the milky goodness, and popped it into my mouth.

“As in it was good,” I said around a mouthful of heaven. “I let out a lot of steam on the field, and I’ve met quite a few new friends.”

She scribbled on her paper. “Any panic attacks since last week’s session?”

“Nope, none.”

“That’s good.” She scribbled some more. “Any nightmares?”

I tensed up. I hated talking about my nightmares.

“Yes. I had the melting one a few times and the one with
him
in it.”

I couldn’t even say the word dad anymore. I just referred to him as “him.” That had to be a sign that I was doing not-so-great.

I also didn’t like to talk about his death. As far as Dr. Jensen knew, he had a mental breakdown. I told her the position he held was too much for him and that he took his own life. It was the only lie I told her, but in my mind, that’s exactly what he’d done. Every time he laid his dirty hands on me, he was preparing himself for death. Each touch was like a nail to his coffin, and the girl inside me was just waiting for the moment when she could finally break and destroy him.

Seeing his hands on my little sister was all I needed. I could still remember the sound of the gun, the
smell of his blood. That night would mark me for the rest of my days.

*

Later that night, I sat on the phone with Zeke until I fell asleep. It was hard since I missed him so much and I wasn’t sure if it was the new medicine Dr. J put me on or what, but I was suddenly worried about him being around all the rocker chicks. I trusted him with my life, but I knew what kind of guy he was when I met him. Who’s to say that being in love had changed him? I could imagine it was hard for a guy like him to be faced day by day with women throwing themselves at him. He wasn’t used to denying himself anything.

The thoughts of him sleeping with these wild girls made me sick to my stomach, but I had to trust I was doing the right thing.

A few days later, I got a drunken phone call from Zeke in the middle of the night. It didn’t last long and then the phone went dead. That happening didn’t help bury the green-eyed monster that seemed to be following me around. And when I saw an MTV news update about one of their shows and saw a naked woman throw herself at him, that didn’t help much either.

I hated it. I hated seeing the way girls hurled themselves at him. And while I could very clearly see he was nicely pushing them away, I couldn’t help but wonder what happened when there weren’t cameras on him. Did he take any girls back to his hotel room for a quickie?

It wasn’t in Zeke’s nature to go without sex for long periods of time, and while I knew he meant it when he said he loved me, was it enough to make him withstand sex?

The jealousy bug was taking a big bite out of my ass and it was making me crazy. I pulled out my phone and pulled up Zeke’s text messages.

Me: I miss you.

Zeke: I miss you more.

*

It wasn’t long until the season started and we were on the bus to our first game. Luckily, our first game was with College of Charleston and I got to go back to South Carolina. That meant I could see Megan after the game and maybe squeeze in some time to visit my mother’s grave.

In the locker room before the game, I suddenly started to feel a little lightheaded. Playing a game had
never been a big deal for me, but earlier I’d stepped out and saw the crowd waiting to watch us play. I felt a little sick to my stomach at the thought of so many eyes on me.

When it was time to play, I stood up and followed the girls. At the door, the chest pains started and I had to take a deep breath. The only problem was I couldn’t get any oxygen. Turning, I fell to the bench just inside the locker room. The shakes were starting and no matter how hard I tried to talk myself out of it, a panic attack was coming.

I was just beginning to hyperventilate when Hope came back in for me.

“You okay, Patience? You don’t look so good,” she said as she sat next to me.

Her being there and asking me that question seemed to intensify my panic, and it wasn’t long until my entire body shook. I leaned my head between my legs and tried to breathe, but the fear of dying right there in the middle of the girl’s locker room was so intense. Heated tears sprang from my eyes and slid down my cheeks.

Why was this happening to me? And why wasn’t I strong enough to make it stop? I felt like such a dumbass for sitting there shaking. I felt even dumber for
crying about it. I hated being weak. I hated that I was letting these things get the best of me. I couldn’t fight him when I was growing up, just like I couldn’t fight myself and make these things stop.

Far away I could hear Hope talking to me. I couldn’t make out her words, but even with numb fingers, I felt her warm hands as she placed a bottle of water into one of my hands and a pill into the other.

I looked up into her face. Her understanding smile helped a little.

“What… is-is… this?” I stuttered.

I could barely hold the tiny oval pill in my palm.

“It’s a valium. Chew it up and chase it with the water. It’ll help. I promise.”

I didn’t know Hope all that well. We only really hung out on the field and a few times when I grabbed a quick lunch in between classes. But the fear of dying was only getting worse and at that point I’d do just about anything to make it stop.

I tossed the pill into my mouth and started to chew. The sharp taste of the crushed-up pill rolled across my tongue and made my jaws lock. I quickly downed the water and put my head back between in legs as I waited for something to happen. Either I’d die from a massive heart attack since my heart seemed to
want to be on the outside of my body, or the magic pill would kick in and things would be all right.

Once the shakes started to calm, I could feel my heart and blood slow back to a normal speed. The circulation returned to my arms and legs, and I no longer felt the weight of numbed limbs pulling me down. The air felt fresher when I breathed it in, and the room stopped spinning.

“Well, you certainly look better. You ready to go out there and kick some ass?” Hope asked.

I appreciated the fact that she was pretending like nothing happened—like it was an everyday thing for someone to go into a full-blown panic attack around her.

“Yeah. Just give me another minute.” My throat ached, so I took another swig of the water.

A few minutes later, we were quickly making our way to the field. It took me a bit to get into the game, but soon I was running up and down the field and making goals. We played hard and won by three points. I was still feeling the relaxation from the pill she’d given me before the game when I made my way back into the locker room. It was as if I’d swallowed magic.

When I got out of the shower, I made it a point to walk by Hope on the way to my locker.

“Thanks for earlier,” I said quietly.

“Anytime. If you ever need another one, just let me know. We all have our moments and my mom keeps me stocked. I have a little something to help you stay alert to study, too, if you’re ever in need of that.”

The thought of being medicated all the time didn’t fly with me. I knew there were people who took things to bring them down and things to give them pep in their step. Every time I’d been around Zeke’s friends, it was obvious they were all on something, but that wasn’t for me.

“I appreciate it, but no thanks. Could we please keep the earlier episode between us, though?”

She nodded her understanding and gave me a friendly smile. “Of course, Patience. If anyone understands these things, it’s me.”

After I was cleaned up from the game, I met up with Megan. We stopped by my mother’s grave. Megan stayed in the car while I sat next to my mother’s headstone and talked to her as if she were there with me.

It was the first time I’d visited since we buried her and it was hard. I cried and explained the situation while wishing she were still there with me. She’d have excellent advice. I missed our talks and regretted the fact that I didn’t open up to her. The fact that I didn’t
get to say good-bye still stung, but not as bad as it had when it first happened.

I left purple roses on her grave, her favorite. After a while, I pulled myself off
the grass by her headstone, told her I loved her and missed her, and made my way back to Megan’s car.

Megan said nothing when I got into the car with red eyes, and we didn’t talk until we pulled in the restaurant parking lot for dinner.

She looked different. Her hair had grown out since the last time I saw her and she lost the multi-colored strands and was going all natural on me. The honey brown suited her nicely.

She was already in her third semester at the University of South Carolina and looked to be doing pretty well for herself. It was as if we’d gone off and switched positions. I was a mess and she looked like she had her shit together, but I knew better than anyone that it was easy to put on an act.

It was like old times. Things seemed to be going well for her and I was happy to see her smile, but once I brought up Zeke and the rest of the boys, there was a tiny crack in her façade.