Outlaw Hearts (47 page)

So, now he knew why so many questions had been left unanswered. After all the years of togetherness, all the talks alone over night campfires, he realized now that his father had never really shared himself at all. It had all been a lie, an unforgivable lie.

***

Beth lay curled up in bed, shivering at the news the doctor had given her. It couldn't be possible! She had been so sure she was only sick over her separation from Lloyd. If only she could find a way to talk to him, to explain! How could she go on living without Lloyd? How could she face never seeing him again? It wasn't fair of her father to whisk her away so quickly, not even to allow her to talk to Lloyd just once more. It wasn't fair that Lloyd wouldn't know she was going to have his child.

She had been in Denver eight days, eight days that had changed her life. Aunt Trudy was being good to her, but she could feel the woman's consternation.
Why
didn't you talk to me?
the woman had asked her a thousand times.
I
could
have
told
you, child, that it takes only one moment of passion to become pregnant. How could you have done such a thing? You're so terribly young and impressionable. Your father never should have allowed you to see so much of that boy. It's obvious now that he's from bad seed. That evil young man took advantage of your love and your
trust.

Nothing she said in Lloyd's defense seemed to matter. She had cried and begged her father not to make her go away, but the very day the soldiers had come and said those awful things about Lloyd's father, her own father had packed her into the carriage and whisked her off to the train at Colorado Springs and on to Aunt Trudy's. On the train she had become violently ill, and had suffered the same sickness every day since. Her father had become so alarmed that he called in a doctor, who, after a thorough examination, asked the embarrassing question of when she had had her last period. It had been at least six weeks ago, before that first time she and Lloyd had loved each other by Fisher's Creek. Then came the even more embarrassing question. Had she been “indiscreet” with some young man? Her tears and her crimson face had given her away.

She had never known such fury from her father when he found out about her and Lloyd.
Even
if
none
of
this
had
happened
with
his
father
, the man had roared,
in
spite
of
how
much
I
liked
the
boy, I would have had his hide for this! I have a feeling Jake would have too! What makes it worse is all this mess with Jake! You're carrying the grandson of a murderer and a
rapist!

She had screamed that she did not believe that of Lloyd's father. She had never known him to be anything but a good man, a loving father and husband.
You
know
I'm right, Father
, she had pleaded.
You
trusted
him
to
run
the
ranch
almost
single-handedly for years! How can you believe all those things so easily now? What kind of friend are you to turn your back on him this way? And you know what a good person Lloyd
is!

I
only
know
what
the
man
is
wanted
for. Things like that don't happen by accident. I'd like to stick up for the man, and I might testify on his behalf because he saved my life once. But that doesn't mean I can let my daughter be involved in the whole sordid affair or be married to the man's
son!

There was no arguing with her father, and now there was no denying she was pregnant with Lloyd's child. Lloyd should know, but her father was watching every move she made. She knew Lloyd would marry her in an instant if he knew. She had never been so miserable, and she wondered how it was possible to cry so many tears.

The door to her room opened, and she smelled the familiar cigar smoke. “Please, Father, the smoke makes me feel sicker,” she told him as he came into the room. He stepped out into the hall and put out the cigar, then came back inside, coming to sit by her side. She waited for another tirade, but her father seemed calmer now.

“I have decided what to do,” he said, sounding heartbroken.

Her heart pounded with dread. “I'm sorry I disappointed you, Father, but I'm not sorry for loving Lloyd.” She remained lying very still, afraid that if she moved the nausea would return.

Zane Parker sighed deeply. “The boy took advantage of you. I don't blame you now for any of it. I should have kept a closer eye on what was going on. I was gone too much, gave you too much freedom. It's been hard, Beth, trying to raise you without a mother. I took it for granted that a couple of weeks every summer with your Aunt Trudy and winters at the girls' school here in Denver would make up for it.” He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “Something has to be done. I'll not have this child bearing the Harkner name. I don't even want other people to know who the real father is. I've already sworn the doctor and your aunt to secrecy.”

More tears started to come. “But I have to marry Lloyd. I can't have a baby out of wedlock.”

“That's right. You can't, and I won't even consider an abortion. Women die from such things, especially young ones. You'll have this baby, and you'll be a married woman when it is born. He or she will carry a reputable name and will never know he was conceived out of wedlock or carries the blood of an outlaw.”

“I don't understand,” she sniffled.

The man cleared his throat. “I have a friend in Chicago, a widowed druggist. He's thirty years old and very wealthy in his own right but also comes from a wealthy family. He owns several drugstores in Chicago. He never had any children by his first wife, but they always wanted them. You met him at the spring party. He was visiting in Denver and came to the ranch. You played the piano for him the night before the party. Do you remember? His name is David Vogel.”

A terrible dread began to creep through her blood. “Yes,” she answered quietly. She remembered an attractive young man whose hands seemed too white and clean when he sat down beside her and joined her in a tune. He had smelled like scented perfume instead of leather and the out-of-doors. He had seemed pleasant enough, a man of moderate build who wore very expensive suits. He'd had a bright smile, a pleasant personality.

“He's still here in Denver, on an extended stay because of an older brother of his who is dying of some kind of cancer. I remembered he was quite infatuated with you at the party. I had a lengthy talk with him last night, and he is willing to marry you and take you back to Chicago. He will allow everyone to believe the baby is his, and he has promised not to touch you until after the baby is born, and then only when you are ready.”

Beth slowly sat up. “You want me to marry a perfect
stranger
?”

“He's not a total stranger. He's a very nice young man, wealthy and responsible, and, I might add, very generous to do this. Not many men will marry what they consider soiled goods.” Pain showed in his eyes. “I don't like to put it that way, Beth, but you should know how most men look at something like this. It's a cold fact of life, and David is being very noble. You'll marry him, and that's that. It sickens me that you won't be able to attend that finishing school or travel to Europe, that you won't be able to do any of the things I had planned for you. Maybe David can see that you take a trip to Europe after the baby is born, and he has plenty of servants, so you'll have help with the child.”

Beth just stared at him, feeling cold and damp and abandoned. “It's
Lloyd
I should be marrying! I love
Lloyd
! I can't be some other man's wife!”

“You have no choice. You've got to think about the baby now, not yourself. You've heard the charges against Jake. I've wired home, and Lloyd has left for St. Louis. God knows how long this thing will take, and if you're going to fool people about this pregnancy, you can't wait around. It's important to marry as quickly as possible so people will believe the baby is David's.”

He leaned closer, his eyes drilling into her. “No matter what happens at Jake's trial, Beth, the charges against him are not going to go away. They will follow him and Lloyd both wherever they go. You can't do that to your child, nor can you take the risk of people calling him or her a bastard. The child is all that matters now. If you love the baby in your belly, you'll do what's best for him and forget about what
you
want! David is a good man. After a time you'll appreciate what he's done, especially when he loves that baby like his own. You'll learn to love him and be a wife to him. That's the way some marriages are, Beth. Not everyone marries out of childish passion, and that's all you had with Lloyd. When you're young, it isn't always easy to control your emotions. Lloyd should have known what he was doing was as wrong as it could be, that you were much too young for him to be taking advantage like that.” He let out a sigh of disgust and leaned back in the chair again. “Sixteen! My God!”

“He just loved me, Father,” she wept, lying back down. “And I love him. I
can't
marry David Vogel.”

“You have no choice. You have to do what's right for that baby. Lloyd is going to be a very confused young man for a long time. He's better off never knowing about the baby. Once you're married to David, you've got to never say a word to anyone about the real father, never see Lloyd again.”

“What will he think,” she sobbed, “finding out I married someone else so quickly?”

“He'll probably think I pushed the marriage to keep you away from him. Let him think whatever he wants. You'll be in Chicago, away from it all.”

Away from it all? “Don't send me away alone married to a man I hardly know,” she begged.

Parker moved to sit on the edge of her bed and took hold of her hands. “I trusted you, Beth. You're my beautiful, precious, only child, and I know you think this is cruel, but I'm doing it because I love you and am trying to salvage what we can from this. I want to save your reputation and my grandchild's name. If it will make you feel better, Aunt Trudy will go to Chicago and stay with you for a while. Would you like that?”

Lloyd! He would be shattered. He would hate her. He would
never
understand this. So much of his trust in life and those he loved was surely already destroyed. The worst part was, she knew her father was right. She had to think about the baby, give Lloyd's son or daughter a good home, never let him suffer the ugly names people called babies sired out of wedlock.

“Yes, I'd like Aunt Trudy to come along,” she answered in resignation. She turned away from her father. “I need to sleep. I wish I could just sleep forever, or wake up and find out none of this is true.”

Her father touched her shoulder. “I wish it too, darling. And I'm not deserting you. As soon as possible, I'll come to Chicago and spend some time with you, and I'll come and stay a while when the baby is born.”

Her throat ached with a need to cry again. “Will you love it, Father?”

He sighed, rising and leaning over to kiss her cheek. “Of course I will. I may not approve of the father, but my daughter is the mother, and that's all that matters. That baby has my blood too.”

The man turned and left, furious with himself for not seeing what was going on with his daughter and Lloyd Hayes. If the boy were here now, he'd kill him! He'd do everything in his power to keep him away from Beth from now on, which meant forcing Miranda Harkner off Parker land. She would have to find a new home. He hated to do that to the woman. He actually thought her quite remarkable, but she knew the risks she was taking when she married Jake Harkner. She would just have to suffer the consequences, as would Lloyd. Beth came first.

Jake looked up as two deputies led Lloyd to his cell.

“That the young one?” a prisoner across the way spoke up. “Sure looks like his pa. Hey, boy, you've got a pretty famous pa there, famous here in Missouri, anyway. 'Course it ain't the nicest things in the world he's famous for. What's that other word?
In
famous?”

The man laughed, as Jake slowly rose, keeping his eyes on Lloyd. He supposed that if God wanted to punish him for his sins, He had found the perfect torture. He had let him get close to this son of his, love him, nurture him, feel his love in return, only to have it all be destroyed. What he had feared more than death was in Lloyd's eyes: shame, humiliation, hatred…yes, the hatred was there too. How well he knew what the boy was feeling, and he wished he had done something to cause Gentry to shoot him dead so he wouldn't have to see that look in Lloyd's eyes.

One of the deputies unlocked the cell door while another held a shotgun on both men. “No funny business,” the first man said, letting Lloyd inside the cell. He closed and locked the door, and the prisoner across the way began his teasing remarks again.

“Shut up, Collier, or you'll get no damn supper tonight!” one of the deputies warned him. “You know I mean it!”

Collier just chuckled and went back to his cot, curling up with his back to Jake's cell.

“Have you seen your mother?” Jake asked. “She's worried sick about you.”

Lloyd swallowed. Could this be the same man he had loved and trusted all these years, had shared his dreams with over campfires? They should be back in Colorado, riding the line, laughing together. Jake Hayes didn't belong in a prison cell, possibly to be executed. But then this wasn't Jake Hayes. He was Jake Harkner, the outlaw.

“I haven't seen her or Evie. I didn't know where to look,” he said, trying to keep his anger in check. “I went straight to the courthouse and found out where they were keeping you.”

“Your mother's at the Carriage Hotel, but she's looking for a rooming house, something less expensive until the trial is over. Jess is with her, but she needs you.”

The boy smiled bitterly. “Needs
me
?
You're
the one she needs. We
all
need you. Why in hell did she marry you, anyway? Did she know from the beginning?”

Jake could see already that the boy had put up a wall too high for him to climb over. It was going to take a long time for him to get over this, if he ever did. His chest felt tight, and it pained him to breathe. Lloyd! He couldn't have had a son to be more proud of. He didn't see him as a man, but as the little boy he'd loved so; the child who had ridden on his shoulders, laughed and screamed the first time he'd put him on a horse; the young boy who had struggled not to cry the day he gave him that first rifle.

“She knew,” he answered. “She also knew I needed and wanted to change my life. She knew things had happened to me that led me into a life I never really wanted—”

“Like killing your own
pa
?” Lloyd sneered. He watched his father literally wilt. The man closed his eyes and sat down on the cot, putting his head in his hands. “As much as I hate you right now,” Lloyd went on, “I couldn't
kill
you, because you're my flesh and blood! Only right now I have trouble calling you pa because I'm not sure I want to face the fact that a man wanted for murder and rape and robbery, a man who killed his own father, is
my
father! What does that make
me
? Do
I
have bad blood? Zane Parker apparently thinks so! He's taken Beth away, and I don't even know where! I
love
her! I need her! But she's gone, and it's all
your
fault! You've
lied
to me, all these years, lied about your past, about what happened back in California,
everything
! How could you do it? How could you kill your own
father
?”

Jake looked up at him, struggling against the old feelings of guilt and worthlessness Miranda had been telling him for years he shouldn't feel. He rose, facing Lloyd squarely. “You tell me what you would've done when you were fifteen years old, feeling like you did then about Beth, if you found me
raping
her!” His heart ached at the horror on his son's face. “What would you have done if you weren't strong enough to stop me, and you could hear Beth crying and begging me to let her go? What would
you
have done, Lloyd? I was fifteen years old, and my father was big like me! The girl's name was Santana, and we were friends, just like you and Beth! Sometimes you just do what you have to do! For a long time after that, I figured I must be just as mean and rotten as
he
was, so I lived a mean and rotten life! I didn't give a damn about myself or anybody else! But you wouldn't understand that, because you grew up in a home filled with love! I've never raised a hand to you in your entire life! My father beat me practically every day of my life. He
murdered
my mother and my little brother! It wasn't until I met your mother that I began to learn the meaning of love, to learn how it felt to
be
loved! I made the mistake of wanting that to last forever, so I ran from my past. I wanted to protect you and Evie from the ugliness of it all, so I never told you; but the biggest reason was that I never wanted you to feel about me the way I felt about my father! I never wanted to see that shame and hatred in your eyes. I know how it feels, Lloyd. I know too goddamn well how it feels!”

Lloyd closed his eyes and turned away, grasping the bars of the cell. Jake's eyes teared and he reached out to touch the boy's shoulder, but Lloyd jerked it away. “Don't, Pa.”

Jake took a little hope in the words. It was the first time the boy had called him Pa since arriving. He swallowed to keep from breaking down. “Son, if there was any way I could change all this, make us all just be back home, a happy family again; if I could erase all of this for you, I'd do it in an instant, even if it meant putting a gun to my head.”

“Did you rape women?”

“No,” Jake answered quickly. “No, I never did that. I'm accused of it only because of certain men I rode with. I've never raped a woman or hurt a woman any other way, never shot a woman or a child. You've got to believe that much. You must know that from the way I've treated Evie and your mother all these years.”

“
Others
will believe it. They'll believe all the charges. Beth's father believes them, and he's taken Beth away somewhere.” He faced his father. “I
love
her! We had even
made
love, more than once, made promises to always be together, and now he's taken her away!” Tears of anger and despair formed in his eyes. “How am I ever supposed to hold a decent job or marry a decent woman, being the son of an accused murderer and rapist? People will say like father, like son.”

Jake quickly wiped at tears, hating to have his son see him this way, needing a bath and a shave, locked up in this hellhole. Would he also have to watch him hang, or be executed some other way? He didn't mind dying, probably deserved it. He just wished that by dying he could erase all of his past and ensure a happy life for his wife and children.

“They might,” he answered. “But you have to learn to be your own man, Lloyd, to be proud of who
you
are. You have to be strong, to show them they're wrong.”

Lloyd closed his eyes, a tear slipping down his cheek. “That night I shot that squatter, you told me you'd killed a few men, mostly in self-defense. How many is a few, Pa? Ten? Twenty? Thirty?”

Jake sighed deeply. “I honestly don't know.”

Lloyd snickered bitterly and shook his head. “You don't even know. And they
weren't
all in self-defense, were they?”

“Some weren't, but most were. Men knew I was good with guns. The kind of men I ran with, I was constantly being challenged. Somehow it all got out of hand. I was young, full of hate.”

For the first time, Jake saw that dark meanness in the boy's eyes that made him look almost like the wanted poster of himself. “Well, that's how
I
feel right now! I hate your father, I hate
you
for lying to me, I hate Lieutenant Gentry for turning you in, I hate Beth's father for taking her away! I even hate
God
for letting all of this happen! Why did you even have us, Pa? Why did you let the evil seed of your father be spread any further?”

Jake felt as though the boy had rammed a knife into him. “Because I loved your mother, and she wanted babies. If she could have had more, I'd have let her have
ten
! She's a good woman, full of love and forgiveness. Evie is just like her. With you, I can see that forgiveness is not something that's going to come easy, but in a way I don't need it, Lloyd. I've paid my dues. The things I did were the result of years of beatings from my own father, of being called a bastard and told I was worthless, to the point where I
believed
it. The man standing before you right now is not the man who committed all those crimes. He died the day I met your mother!”

“Did he? Maybe he lives on in
me
, Pa! Maybe there's a side to me I don't know anything about. Maybe I should put on those guns of yours and go out there and find out who the
real
Lloyd Harkner is! That's my real name, isn't it? Harkner! Lloyd
Harkner
, son of Jake Harkner, the
outlaw
!”

Jake's reaction was instant. It was a quick reflex from a sudden need to stop his son from his foolish ideas. Lloyd was nothing like him! He must never go searching for that dark side! Not Lloyd! With the old force that controlled his reflexes before he could think, he slammed a fist into the boy, knocking him across the cell and against a cement wall. Lloyd slid to the floor, dazed, and Jake looked down at his fist as though it were a weapon that was not a part of his body.

“My God,” he groaned. He looked at Lloyd, saw himself at his father's hands. “Lloyd.” His breath would not come. He gasped to find it, shook as he knelt to help Lloyd up. The boy shoved at him, turned away. A deep gash on his lip bled profusely as he stumbled to the cell door and yelled for a guard to let him out.

“Lloyd, wait!” Jake growled. “Anything I've done was to keep you from suffering, to love you the way I was never loved.”

Lloyd turned as the two deputies came back inside. He wiped at his bleeding lip, his face a livid red. “I've got a lot of thinking to do,” he answered, his voice shaking. He gasped in an effort not to cry. “For the first…time in my life…I'm afraid of my own father. I don't know you, Pa. I guess I never did, did I? Well, maybe…you don't know me either.”

One of the deputies opened the door. “What the hell is going on here? For Christ sake, Harkner, what kind of man are you, hitting your own son when he comes to visit you?”

“Just shows you the kind of man he really is,” the other deputy put in.

“Better keep an eye on the boy there,” Collier shouted from the other cell. “He's a lot like his pa, mean and stubborn.”

Lloyd looked back at his father, tears on his face. Part of him wanted to go to the man and embrace him, tell him he loved him in spite of his past. He wanted to hug the father he had always known, but he couldn't bear to touch the man Jake Harkner once was. He needed him, but he wanted to hurt him like he'd been hurt. The look in Jake's eyes right now tore at his guts, but he couldn't bring himself to utter any words of affection. He turned and left.

Jake drew in his breath in a shuddering sob, all the old frustration and shame and hatred for his own father welling up in him and exploding in a rage pent up for thirty-five years. He looked at his fist again in disbelief, then slammed it into the concrete wall, over and over, so full of fury that he did not feel the pain. With every blow he growled like a wild man. He kept up the self-abuse until he literally ran out of strength and wilted to the floor, his hand bloody and broken.

***

Miranda braced herself, ignoring the dark dampness of the lower prison cells, ignoring the smell of sweat and urine. Jake hated for her to come here, but when the deputy sheriff told her Jake had badly injured his hand and had been seen by a doctor, she insisted on seeing him right away.

She struggled to stay in control when she was let inside his cell. He slowly rose, looking terribly thin, his face haggard. It was obvious he had not been allowed to clean up. He needed a shave, and his right hand was heavily bandaged clear up to the elbow. “Jake,” she whispered, stepping closer.

“I told you I don't want you in this stinking place.” He moved past her, leaned against a side wall. “That lawyer you hired came to see me this morning. You keep doing things I ask you not to do! You're going to need every dime we have left. Don't be spending money on a lawyer. There's nothing to defend.”

She saw him now, the old, hard Jake. There was the meanness in his eyes, the old crust that refused to let anything else hurt him. This was the Jake she had first come to know.

“What happened, Jake? What happened to your hand? You're in terrible pain. I can see it in your face. You're pale, and you've been sick. What caused all of this?”

He smiled bitterly. “Lloyd was here. Didn't he tell you?”

Her eyes widened. “Lloyd! When? I haven't even seen him!”

He closed his eyes. “Damn,” he moaned. “He's left then. God only knows where he's gone or what he'll do.” He opened his bloodshot eyes, breathed deeply as he looked down at his hand. “I hit him.”

She closed her eyes and sucked in her breath, knowing what must have gone through his mind. “Oh, Jake,” she whispered.