Read Our Bodies, Ourselves Online
Authors: Boston Women's Health Book Collective
Our Bodies, Ourselves (40 page)
There's no limit to acting out situations and fantasies that excite us as long as all parties are consenting and enjoying themselves. We can dress up, and take it off. We can be lusty, vigorous, or needy.
Sometimes when I'm feeling good, I'll create a strip scene for my husbandâand for me, since our mirror is strategically placedâand we both get very excited. Now he does it, too, standing in front of the bed, moving his body rhythmically, slowly taking off and throwing down his clothes. I love it. His strength and vulnerability come through at the same time.
In sadomasochistic sex play (S/M) or bondage and discipline (B&D), the playacting is based on fantasy situations of dominance and submission. Partners sometimes act out roles like master/servant, police/citizen, and monarch/subject. BDSM involves one partner agreeing to be vulnerable to the other partner, with boundaries laid out to ensure that lines aren't crossed. Each partner has the ability to stop the activity at any time.
As Stacy May Fowles writes, “By its very nature, BDSM is
constantly
about consent.”
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Some of us may like spanking or having our hands or feet restrained. We can experiment with activities involving physical pain until the play comes to an end or one partner gives a signal, a prearranged “safe” word or phrase, to stop.
It is important to talk about trust and expectations before being in an S/M or B&D scenario. Safe and consensual BDSM play (sometimes called power-exchange sex) may increase sexual
pleasure and open up hidden issues of power present in most human intimacy. Establishing clear expectations is vital to ensuring that a mutual fantasy is satisfying for everyone involved:
REFLECTIONS ON BDSM
Kali, who self-identifies as white, fat, and disabled (she has a genetic condition called Ehlers-Danlos syndrome that causes joint injuries and chronic pain), shares her experiences with BDSM.
BDSM has been a sometimes uncomfortable, sometimes ecstatic strain in my life.
My initial reaction was revulsion. I couldn't understand how it could possibly be sexy to be bound or hit. As a fiercely independent, strong (and to be honest, rather prickly) bisexual woman, I could not wrap my head around wanting to submit. But it didn't stay that way.
When I was nineteen, my ex-fiancé and I were having a tickle fight. He, being bigger and stronger, eventually won by pinning my wrists down and straddling my waist. In that position, he kissed me, and suddenly I was on
fire.
Shockingly, passionately aroused. That was a real eye-opener for me.
I later discovered that while I don't like pain much in general (having lived with far too much of it because of my disability), I like being physically overwhelmed, ordered around, blindfolded, tied up, spanked, and lightly whipped. I suppose I fit a stereotype thereâtype A person in life outside the bedroom, overachiever and so on, but in the bedroom, sometimes I like not having control.
It's tough for me, though, as a survivor of sexual abuse. Pushing boundaries seems to be pretty typical in BDSM, and pushing
my
boundaries is something that must be done with great care. I've had someone take it too far, cause too much pain, push me past my comfort level, and ended up feeling emotionally bruised. I've also had someone gently come right up to the boundaries and, in doing so, make me realize that I craved going just a little farther than I'd thought I would ever want to go.
I have to believe that the person I'm “playing” with will obey the boundaries we negotiated. I have to trust that if I use a safe word, everything will stop. I have to know, at a deep and instinctive level, that they do not want to harm me.
In general, the vulnerability and openness of BDSM have been almost incandescently pleasurable for me. It hits spots that my teenage self could not admit existed.
S/M, like regular sex, allows people to share an intimate physical experience and an intimate emotional experience, but beyond that, S/M allows my partner and me to share a fantasy life, which is a deep kind of intimacy, very special and unique, that I would not trade for anything.
I think that, as in all things related to a loving, committed relationship, there has to be a great deal of respect and trust involved before there is any room for embarking on uncharted territory. We tried a little S/M after about ten years of marriage, to see what it would feel like, and it was a very valuable experience. It gave us an idea
of what our comfort zones were. I don't think we would be able to explore S/M without having total and complete trust and respect for each other.
A twenty-five-year-old queer trans woman with disabilities describes the support she has experienced:
For me, I have found the BDSM community very welcoming and loving, and much more accepting of people like me than the outside community in general. I know that others have had different experiences, but for me my experience there has been primarily very positive and empowering: It has given me autonomy, a greater sense of self, and the ability to connect with lots of lovely people.
LUBRICATION
Vaginal lubrication often occurs naturally during sexual excitement and arousal. Women vary in how much lubrication they produce and the amount of lubrication desired for pleasurable sexual activity. Reduced lubrication is very common and can be the result of hormonal changes in a woman's bodyâduring breastfeeding or perimenopause and postmenopause, for instanceâor caused by medications such as antihistamines, hormonal forms of birth control, chemotherapy, and medications for ADHD and depression. Also, you may have decreased lubrication if you are dehydrated, or if you're not fully aroused.
Whether you're having vaginal sex with a partner or masturbating on your own, you may want to add lubrication to:
⢠Decrease painful friction in vagina and/or anus
⢠Enhance sexual arousal by stimulating the flow of blood to the vulva, which encourages your body to create some of its own lube
⢠Lubricate the clitoris; this can create more sexual pleasure and an easier route to or-gasm
⢠Change taste during oral sex
⢠Keep vaginal skin soft and help maintain elasticity of vaginal walls
Lubricants can be purchased online or in person at supermarkets, drugstores, and sex-toy shops.
If you have chronic pain, a lubricant containing lidocaine or benzocaineânumbing agents that can reduce vaginal, oral, or anal painâmay have been prescribed or recommended to you.
When it comes to choosing a lubricant, consider your comfort and safety. Comfort refers to the amount and staying power of the lubricant, which can make a difference in how good the sexual activity feels, and whether the lubricant irritates your genitals. Safety refers to whether the lubricant can be used with latex condoms, the most common type of condom.
If you use latex condoms to protect against pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections,
do not use
any oil-based lubricant, as it can destroy the latex and cause condom failure.
The most commonly sold lubricants are water-based with synthetic glycerin, which produces a slightly sweet taste. Most flavored lubricants and warming lubricants contain glycerin. When water-based lubes start to dry, it is best to add water or saliva rather than just adding more lubeâthe water makes it slippery again.
Types/Products:
Astroglide, K-Y Liquid/Jelly, Embrace, FriXion, Wet, Good Head, Revelation, Wet Flavored, ID, Replens, and Liquibeads (suppositories for dry vaginal walls).
Pros:
Easy to find, low-cost, safe to use with latex condoms, do not stain fabric.
Cons:
Dry out quickly, often sticky or tacky, synthetic glycerin can trigger yeast infections in women who are prone to them, products containing parabens or propylene glycol can irritate sensitive skin.
If you have recurrent yeast infections, these are the lubricants to use. They can contain vegetable-derived glycerin, which does not trigger yeast infections like the lubes listed above.
Types/Products:
Maximus, Ultra Glide, Liquid Silk, Slippery Stuff, O'My, Sensua Organics, Probe, Carrageenan, Glycerin, and paraben free Astroglide.
Pros:
Last longer than lubricants with glycerin, can reduce irritation to the genitals, safe with latex condoms, do not stain fabric, usually thicker and provide a cushion, some are more recommended for anal play (Maximus).
Cons:
Can have a bitter taste due to the absence of glycerin, usually found only online or at adult stores, those that contain parabens or propylene glycol can irritate the skin.
These last the longest of all and are especially recommended for women with chronic vaginal dryness or genital pain. Silicone lubricant is different from the silicone used in breast implants and is not considered dangerous; it cannot penetrate through the skin's pores. Most silicone lubricants are hypoallergenic.
Types/Products:
Eros, Wet Platinum, ID Millennium, Pink, Gun Oil, Slippery Stuff.
Pros:
Safe with latex condoms, stay on underwater, odorless and tasteless, last three times as long as water-based lubricants.
Cons:
Expensive, cannot be used with silicone or CyberSkin sex toys, difficult to find (online or adult stores only), must be washed off with soap and water if too much is used.
The following oil-based lubricants can destroy latex condoms, but are safe to use with condoms made from nitrile, polyisoprene, or polyurethane.
These lubricants often can be found in your kitchen. The general rule is that if it's safe for you to eat, it's safe to put on your vulva and inside your vagina. The body can clear out natural oils more easily than petroleum-based lubricants. Certain oils, such as grapeseed and apricot, tend to be thin and therefore better for vaginal intercourse than some of the others.
Types/Products:
Vegetable, corn, avocado, peanut, and olive oils; butter; Crisco.
Pros:
Great for genital massages, safe for the vagina, safe to eat, good for all forms of sexual play, low-cost, easily accessible.
Cons:
Destroy latex condoms, stain fabric.
These take longer to clear out of your body than natural oils.
Types/Products:
Mineral oil, Vaseline, body lotions, creams such as Stroke 29 or Jack Jelly.
Pros:
Great for external masturbation, low-cost, easily accessible.
Cons:
Irritate vulva, destroy latex condoms, stain fabric.
Sex toys and aids can spice up sexual encounters, make safer sex fun, and be an outlet for creativity. You can try edible body paints or flavored
condoms, an egg-shaped electric vibrator or a double dildo, a strap-on harness or a G-spot stimulator.
Sex toys can be bought in person or online. Women-owned boutiques, the first of which opened in the 1970s, often offer feminist, sex-positive information and workshops for women and men.
Don't have time to get a store or can't wait for an online order to arrive? Look around at home: A cucumber dildo or shower nozzle spray can be used for pleasure.
In my early twenties I purchased a couple of vibrators and experimented a little (this was while I was trying to learn how to orgasm), but they didn't really do much for me, and I found anything larger than the silver bullet type of vibrators too uncomfortable to insert and use solo. But the longer lovemaking sessions I have with my partner helped me to relax and play with these toys in new ways. [We] have enjoyed strap-on dildos, lube, and nipple clamps. So being in a relationship has really dramatically improved my opinion of sex toys and deepened my appreciation for the variety of accessories that are out there.
I explored sex toys the summer I was widowed; I was very lonely, crying daily, and needed to comfort myself. I went to our local independent feminist “love store” and, with help from the saleswoman, bought my first vibrator. When it wore out, after some extensive online research I bought some mail-order toys through Good Vibrations and Betty Dodson's website. I wanted to talk with other women about vibrators but couldn't find any women friends who'd discuss them. Nevertheless, I found them great fun to use by myself.
Enjoying erotic entertainment, alone or with a partner, is a way of exploring sexual needs and becoming more comfortable with solitary or shared desires. There is a wide selection of sexually explicit videos, magazines, and books, some created by and for women of all sexual orientations. Online and digital offerings include do-it-yourself videos as well as professionally produced films.
Some feminists have sought to make a useful distinction between erotica and pornography, with erotica seen as sexually explicit materials that don't demean or exploit women, and pornography seen as materials that sexualize women's pain or suffering. There's a wide range of feelings about what constitutes erotica, what constitutes pornography, and whether some sexually explicit materials can be harmful to women. Some of us may try to distinguish between hard porn (more graphic/violent) and soft porn (less graphic/more consensual), while some women feel that even soft porn usually promotes male fantasies of sex and thus limits the imagination.
I have an extremely complicated relationship with porn. It's something I started watching early on and I'm comfortable telling people that I watch it. However, when I hear stories like the young girl in Oakland getting gang-raped after a prom, I start to wonder if porn is causing younger people to have an unreal view of what is and isn't acceptable. When it's easy to see a woman have sex with multiple men at one time, they may start to believe that that's every woman's fantasy, when it isn't. I know that when I'm watching porn, it's not what real sex is and I'm comfortable with that. However, I'm not sure everyone is able to separate themselves from that. For a while it got so that I couldn't watch any pornography because
I kept thinking of the message it was sending. However, I'm all for freedom of expression and I get turned on by erotic images. I'm just trying to figure out where to draw the line between my feminist ideals and my sexual proclivities.
