Only Love (The Atonement Series) (26 page)

Colin was on his way back to Mikayla after returning from the restroom when he saw the light on in the study and heard Deirdre’s voice.

“Mom, I know it has been difficult for you and I have spoken to Drake. He wants to move here and start a restaurant with his own money. He has enough. You can move in with us because I don’t think you should live alone.”

He peeked in and realized she was on her phone, a Samsung Galaxy Note which looked oversized in the palm of her hand while a Bluetooth was inserted in her right ear. She paced back and forth as she continued to listen to her mother’s conversation on the other end.

“Mom, I understand why you didn’t come but Caitlyn is very hurt you didn’t bother to show up. This is her engagement party and she wanted you to be here. Will you stand up her wedding too?”

Deirdre continued to pace until she looked up, almost by instinct, and they made eye contact. She quickly glanced away and said, “Of course I will come by to see you before Drake and I leave for San Diego. We have decided to move back but there are still some loose ends that need tying up. It will be at least three to six months before we can come back permanently but I will be here for the holidays and you won’t be alone. I love you and will speak to you soon, all right? Good night and bye, Mama.”

She ended the call and ripped the Bluetooth from her ear. “What the hell are you doing, Colin? Stalking me?”

He shook his head in reply. “I knew you were around somewhere and it just so happened I found you here after I used the bathroom. How have you been? You look well,” he said though his fiercely beating heart made his words all the more insincere and hollow to him.

“Thank you, I am well and doing better than ever.”

Her stance was one of defiance but he didn’t buy it for a second. It never occurred to him that she would ever be afraid of being in his presence. Her body language, unfortunately, said otherwise.

“Listen, I came here with Mikayla—”

“Yes, I know that. Congrats from Drake and I. We both hope you will be able to keep up with her and she is a much better adversary than your previous university wallflower. I didn’t take you for the type to get involved with women like her but to each his or her own is what I say,” she replied in an icy tone. “Listen, it’s been fun but I should really get back to the party. The work I came in here to do is done.”

Deirdre attempted to walk past him before he grabbed her arm and turned her around to face him. She had never looked more beautiful with her hair up in a chignon and she wore a beautiful one shoulder bandage dress by Hervé Léger in two different shades of red and a pair of silver high heeled sandals to match the silver clutch purse she gripped in her right hand.

Although she didn’t look frightened of him per se, her expression was one of surprise and slit irritancy that he was touching her at all.

“What do you want, Colin? We have been over this situation more times than I care to count and surely you’re not using Mikayla—of all people—to try to make me jealous? You two make a fabulous couple and I wish you all the happiness in the world.”

“No, that isn’t what I wanted to talk about. I mean…” he trailed off and thought about their situation.

He could come clean and tell her everything or he could keep it to himself.
If
and
when
the inevitable happened, it was a win-win situation. Drew was off the market now that he was dating Aubrey exclusively and Deirdre wasn’t the type of person who would go through a bunch of blind dates or “speed dating” to find someone. She’d end up right back in his arms where she belonged.

However, Colin was not a duplicitous person by nature—Liam would have absolutely no compunction with acting this way but he saw a huge problem with his scenario. Yet again, he would get her by default and what would she do if she ever found out he knew though he hadn’t breathed a word to her? The deception would be too much and he would definitely lose her forever. It was best to bide his time and hope she would tire of Drake or the asshole would make a misstep rather than lie to her yet again.

“I have something important to discuss with you and it directly involves Drake. Can we sit down?”

Deirdre nodded before she walked over and took a seat on an uncomfortable two-seater chaise lounge covered in a silk pale yellow and blue flower pattern that must have cost thousands of dollars per yard of fabric. He sat beside her, albeit reluctantly.

She turned toward him and their knees brushed but she did not attempt to pull away. “What’s going on?”

Colin cleared his throat. “You’re aware of your boyfriend’s activities with the Shevchenko family?”

“Yes, I am well aware what Drake does for them—what’s your point?” she inquired as she crossed her legs and picked invisible lint from her dress.

“Mikayla told me something quite shocking in bed last night but I’m not an idiot. I know she meant it and I worry about the implications it might have for you
and
him.”

“Can you just stop talking in circles and get to the point, please?”

“Fine!” Colin exclaimed as he stood and found himself pacing. “I don’t know how to tell you this because part of me thinks you’ll just laugh me out of the room and won’t believe a damn thing I say! I am unsure of my words and actions while we continue to have this kind of animosity between the two of us and I suppose I will never get used to it.

“We were once an intimate and I still love you with all my heart. I don’t want you to think I am telling you this because I don’t want you to be happy because I do. It’s all I have ever wanted. I have been over twenty-one for a long time and I am strong enough to realize if you are better off without me then I will let you go. But whatever you think of us, please know I wouldn’t make up lies and half-truths just to get your attention. It isn’t me and it never has been.”

He finally stopped pacing and turned toward her. Deirdre’s intriguing hazel-green eyes softened and she smiled ever so slightly. “I know that, Colin. Part of this anger and bitterness is with me and it has nothing to do with you. I still love you too; you’re well aware of the feelings I have toward you. I can’t just fall out of love with you because we have been through so much and we share so many secrets and thoughts and desires. Yes, we were intimate once and I need to grow the fuck up and stop behaving so childish about this all. I am sorry.

“I apologize for putting you through so much anger and pain. I feel like shit because I want you to be happy and I really did hope you could find it with someone other than me. We were great together but there comes a time when a situation can change everything and for me, my father’s death and your involvement was the catalyst. I’m a liar and an awful person because I forgave you and then I took it back. I shouldn’t have done that and I can’t tell you how much that will haunt me all the days of my life…no matter how long I live.”

Colin looked at her and she stood slowly before she walked over and embraced him. Her head pressed against his shoulder as he felt her quietly sob. “You were the love of my life and I am not stupid enough to think I will ever feel what I felt for you for anyone else ever again because I
cannot
trust. My heart will never be that open…ever again.”

He waited until they separated though they held one another’s hands and stood across from each other. “Mikayla came here for one reason and that is to get Drake back. She is still in love with him and I suppose he should have never caught himself in a situation with a Ukrainian mobster’s daughter because if she can’t have him then no one will. She has told me that if Drake refuses to take her back then her father will put a hit out on him. He knows too much about their operation and they are afraid he might turn State’s evidence if they aren’t together,” he explained in a quiet voice.

“I believe you because I don’t trust the woman and from the moment I met her, I
knew
she was still in love with Drake. What can we do? Is there anything that can be done to stop this? Do we alert the authorities? Leave the party early? What exactly are Drake and I supposed to do?”

Colin stared at her for a long time before he replied, “To be honest, I think this is something you should tell Liam about. I know he is an asshole but he is also my brother and since this is the engagement party for him and Caitlyn, they should know what may or may not go down tonight.”

“Agreed.” Her hands let go of his but she didn’t turn away immediately. “Colin…thank you. I realize you didn’t have to tell me any of this but you did and you will never know how grateful I am for that.”

He smiled back. “I love you, Deirdre. I only learned too late that when you love someone, you want to see them happy and I am smart enough to know that it can’t be with me, at least not right now.”

“But who knows what the future holds, right?”

“Exactly.”

Colin watched Deirdre as she left the room and knew he’d made the right decision no matter whether he’d blown his chance to be with her again or not. It was simply the right thing to do and he left the study feeling better than he had in a long time. Perhaps he wasn’t such a douchebag after all, and that feeling made his heart swell just a little with pride.

Chapter Nineteen

I ran to find Drake as fast as my Christian Louboutin high-heel sandals would carry me. Unfortunately, he was in deep conversation with Caitlyn and Liam about different stocks and bonds—not exactly a favorite topic of mine. They all held champagne glasses filled with vintage Cristal and none of them were sober.

“Hey, sweetie, where have you been? We were just about to conduct a search party for you,” Drake greeted as he handed me a fresh glass of Cristal he’d been holding for me.

“I had to call our mother,” I began and eyed Caitlyn who glared at me with annoyed steel blue eyes. “She’s really not feeling that great tonight and she sends her apologies for not showing up.”

“Yeah, I bet she does. I will
never
forgive her for doing this to me,” Caitlyn complained before she turned toward her fiancé. “Does she have any idea how embarrassing this is she couldn’t be
bothered
to show up tonight?”

“Well, she’s probably still in mourning, honey. Your father died less than a year ago,” Liam replied as he wrapped a supportive hand around Caitlyn’s waist.

“The world doesn’t revolve around you, unfortunately,” I said to my sister before I drank down half my champagne. “And speaking of issues, I need to talk to the three of you—somewhere private—right now.”

Liam glanced at me with his gorgeous sky blue eyes and I wish his stare was merely friendly but there was lust there and that was a complete and utter turn off when he was supposed to be enjoying himself at his engagement party. “I know just the place to go.”

We all followed him to a private garden on the estate where there weren’t any guests. There was an awning and because it had begun to sprinkle, it came in handy. Drake clutched my right hand and never let go though I couldn’t possibly repeat what was to be said twice in one night.

Caitlyn was the first to turn around and face me. She wore a strapless ivory bandage dress which fit her like a second skin and six inch Yves Saint Laurent Tribute heels. She was taller than me by two inches and the extra height advantage was intimidating to say the least.

“What’s this about, Deirdre? If you say
anything
about Colin, I will shoot you myself. Why can’t you two just grow up and act like adults? You aren’t the first couple to break up and you won’t be the last either.”