One Unashamed Night (16 page)

‘Badly.’

Taris’s mother began to laugh. ‘Emerald told me just the same. Do you like the sea too?’

‘I beg your pardon?’

‘The sea. Emerald enjoys the ocean. I was wondering if that was some other thing you had in common?’

‘I have not had much experience of water, Duchess.’

‘Horses, then? Do you ride?’

‘I used to ride well once, but—’ She stopped.

‘Then you must do so again. Taris has a number of his steeds standing at Falder. He will help you choose an appropriate mount. What of dancing? Are you a woman who enjoys a whirl on the floor?’

Before she could stop herself Bea reddened rather dramatically, thinking of the one and only waltz she had danced in her entire life. And then she took in a breath. My God, this woman would think she was a dolt should she keep up with this tack. ‘I read extensively, Duchess, and write too.’

‘Novels?’

‘No. Tracts for
The London Home,
a new broadsheet for women exploring various options that they may wish to take in their lives.’

‘Making up for lost time, then?’

Taris interrupted her. ‘It is getting late, Mama, and we need to refresh ourselves before dinner.’

‘Which room has the housekeeper placed her in?’

‘The green salon at the top of the stairs.’

‘No, that will not do at all. Put her in the gold

room, for it is far more restful. She will like that room better.’

Taris’s smile broadened. ‘You are sure?’

‘I am,’ she said curtly before turning away, the first surprising beginnings of tears on her lashes.

Once again out in the hall Bea was not certain if she should ask Taris anything about the exchange; when he did not seem to want to discuss the conversation further she merely did as the housekeeper asked and followed her. Taris stayed below, watching her as she made her way up.

When they finally came into her chamber Bea thought that she had never in her whole life seen such a beautiful space. It was as though light and airiness had been spun into the fabric on the bed and the walls, a deeper brocade in burgundy counter-playing against it. A writing desk inlaid in patterned walnut was set up near the window with pen and paper and ink, and a bookcase graced the whole of one side, the titles numerous and varied.

Long full-length glass doors opened out on to a balcony and away far in the distance the forests climbed up the hills, moving from lighter green into darkness.

‘Dinner will be in three hours, ma’am. I shall send your maid to help you dress.’

‘Thank you.’

‘Master Taris said to tell you that he would come himself to bring you down to dinner.’

‘I shall be ready.’ When the woman turned to the door Bea could temper her puzzlement no longer. ‘Might I ask you a question before you go?’

‘Of course.’

‘This library looks as though someone has spent a great deal of time building it up?’ Her fingers slipped across the bindings of the books.

‘This was Master Cristo’s room, ma’am, before he left for Europe.’

‘Master Cristo?’

‘The youngest Wellingham brother, ma’am.’

‘I see.’ She waited as the woman departed and looked closely at the titles. Older works with little that had been published during the past few years. Cristo Wellingham? She had not heard this name mentioned once in society and resolved to ask Taris all about him.

The door flung open less than a half an hour later and Lucinda Wellingham stood there in her travelling garb and a look of wonder on her face.

‘It is true, then? Mama allowed you to stay in here. My God. No one has been in here since—’ stopping, she put her hand to her mouth ‘—since Cristo left.’ Beatrice was certain that this sentence was far from the one she had been going to say. ‘Mother must have really liked you.’

‘I think she wanted me to have the room because of all the books. I had just told her that I both read and write.’ Another thought struck her. ‘Did the Duke and Duchess of Carisbrook travel up with you?’

‘They did. We came in two carriages as the children and their nanny were with us and so was Azziz, Emerald’s friend from when she lived in the Caribbean.’

‘She lived in the Caribbean?’

‘For years and years.’

Lord, Beatrice thought, every new thing she found out about the Wellinghams made the family stranger.

‘Have you travelled, Mrs Bassingstoke?’

‘No. I had been to London a few times years ago but of late…no.’

‘The Wellingham ships travel all over the world. One day I shall take passage and stay away for years. You and Taris could come too and we could see the sights together.’

‘That is very generous of you, Lady Lucinda, to think to include me on such a grand scheme, but—’

‘Taris likes you or he would never have brought you here. He never has, you know, brought anyone else. You are the very first.’

Hesitating, Bea wondered just how much of her recent incident on Regent Street she should relate to a young woman who talked a lot. ‘Have you spoken to your brother about why I am here?’

‘No?’ Interest was rife.

‘Then perhaps you should.’

‘He used to be easier to talk to than he is now. His eyesight is worsening, even though Asher forbids anyone to mention it, and I think Taris worries he may be a burden. To everyone.’

For the first time since she had met Lucinda Wellingham, Bea saw the kernel of a profound truth in her utterings.

A burden? Did he think he might be such? To her? Another worry surfaced. He knew a little of her nursing a sick husband. Did he put himself in the same category?

She wished she might have had the courage to ask Lucinda Wellingham just how the accident to his eye had happened, but it felt too much like prying to make a point of it. Besides, a quick knock on the door had them both turning and Emerald swept into the room, a child of about one in her arms and a smile on her face.

‘Bea? I had heard you were here. How wonderful. I can’t wait to show you Falder and you can meet the people from the village and my aunts and cousin.’

The little child suddenly twisted and reached out and Emerald laughed as she deposited the redheaded mite into Beatrice’s arms.

Beatrice had never in all her life been close to someone so young and the experience of having small hands reaching out for her was amazing.

‘Her name is Ianthe, and she’s almost a year old.’

‘Ianthe?’ Bea turned the unusual name on her tongue. ‘After the daughter of Oceanus in the ancient Greek?’

Emerald smiled. ‘You are the first person to have ever asked me that.’

‘The Dowager Duchess has just finished telling me that you enjoy the sea. It was easy to make the connection.’

Ianthe cooed as Bea wriggled her fingers. Then the child grasped on tightly and put them into her mouth.

‘She’s teething and wants anything at all to chew.’

Bea felt strong gums gnashing against her skin, and then felt the beginnings of a tooth protruding, and a great wave of happiness swamped her in its intensity. Being at Falder in a golden room with Lucinda and Emerald beside her and a baby in her arms felt like a wonderful gift. The gift of other people’s lives where years hadn’t been lost to silence and fear and where her company was sought out rather than rebuffed.

Tonight she would begin a journal and write everything down, and then when she was back in London at her town house she could read the passages and remember what it truly felt like to belong.

Chapter Thirteen

D
inner proceeded in the same fashion as her afternoon had, all laughter and teasing and talking. Azziz, Emerald’s friend, was a large tattooed man with one ring in the remains of his right ear and a number of white scars across his hands. The same sort of scars she had seen on Emerald’s hands.

At his family table Taris gave as good as he got and Beatrice listened to his explanation of the newest farming methods with admiration.

Asher’s talk was mostly about the building of a new ship.

‘She’s due out to India in four months’ time, Taris, and you said you wanted to be involved in the maiden voyage.’

‘I doubt if I can get away.’

‘But you had it all planned!’

‘I know, but something else has transpired.’

‘Something such as…?’

Taris did not answer and a slight awkwardness filled the room, though it was dissipated by Lucinda when she knocked over her wine and sent that end of the table into a flurry, until the footman mopped it up.

Taris was glad when his brother dropped the subject of the journey out to India. He could not go because the child Beatrice carried would be almost born and there was no trip in the world that would justify missing the birth of a son or daughter.

A cousin for Ruby, Ashton and Ianthe, missing pieces of the Wellingham family puzzle falling into place. Tonight Beatrice was beautiful. To him. Beautiful in the way of a woman who did not know that she was, no vanity or artifice in it, her husky lisp answering questions and giving opinions and laughing at exactly the right time when Ashe chanced a joke. He imagined her dimples deep shadowed in the light, and her leaf-green eyes and the swell of bosom above the silken creation she was in.

He felt the unseemly rise of his sex beneath the table as he mulled over the chances of being accepted into her bed tonight. Cristo’s rooms were easily accessed from his own and he was pleased about his mother’s unexpected intervention.

The thought that perhaps the sleeping arrangements had not been as coincidental as they appeared did cross his mind, as he had spent a greater part of the past two hours fending off questions from Lucinda and Asher about his relationship with Bea and her presence here at Falder.

Beatrice was speaking now on the topic of banking, proposing that country banks be monitored by the Bank of England, much to the delight of Emerald and the chagrin of his brother.

‘The panic for cash is hardly the fault of the country banking system, Mrs Bassingstoke.’ The tone in Ashe’s voice was firm, but Bea replied quickly.

‘Oh, I disagree, Duke. When people lose faith in an institution’s ability to meet their obligations, one would imagine Parliament would elect a stronger body to step in and lay down stricter rules.’

‘I have always favoured a less vigorous approach—’

Emerald did not let him finish. ‘Because he is a partner in a number of the country banks.’

‘A vested interest, then?’ Beatrice continued, her tone full of a feigned rebuke. ‘Making it harder to be impartial?’

‘Two against one is a difficult way to win any argument,’ Ashe parried, ‘though if you had supported me, Taris, we might have managed it.’

‘After my last public drubbing at the hands of Mrs Bassingstoke, I dare not risk another one.’

‘Public drubbing?’ Lucinda had joined the fray. ‘Oh, do tell us of it, Beatrice.’

‘The argument that your brother refers to was hardly a good example, as I always felt that he lost it on purpose.’

‘On purpose?’ Her suspicion was so evident that Taris began to laugh, though his mother was nowhere near as amused.

‘In my day well-bred young ladies went to all lengths to stay out of any argument not pertaining to the running of the marital home.’

‘We have come a long way since the 1770s, Mama,’ Lucinda managed.

‘Thank goodness!’ Emerald interjected. ‘Besides, women these days are encouraged to have an opinion on whatever they fancy, Mama, and it would be most unwise not to take up such opportunity.’

Taris felt Asher move beside him. ‘A Wellingham man would not swap a feisty wife for all her weight in gold.’

‘Or all the money still left in the besieged country banks.’ Emerald laughed.

Bea watched as the Duchess of Carisbrook smiled down the table at her husband. A woman who was happy in her world and cherished. For her opinions and her debate, for her originality and her arguments.

And right then, at that very moment, something thawed inside Beatrice. Some icy guilt that had insisted her husband’s intractability was somehow her fault. That she deserved punishment for not being pretty enough or interesting enough or barren.

For twelve years she had laboured under a false premise and a dreadful error. For twelve long years she had obeyed and submitted and conformed.

Tears filled her eyes and she stood, excusing herself from the table under the pretence of feeling ill. If she stayed, she would embarrass everyone, for her long held-in tension was finally demanding release.

Taris heard her sobbing as he opened the unlocked door. Crossing the room, he felt her shoulders shaking and the tears on her cheeks as he held her close.

‘Shh, it may not be as bad as you think.’

‘I…am…sorry,’ she said, when the tempest seemed past. ‘Rudeness is something that should never be excused and your mother will not be thanking me for my strong opinion at the table.’

‘You think you were being rude to offer an opinion? My God, Beatrice, if you cannot say what you think, how could you live?’

When she burst into tears again Taris knew that he had said the wrong thing.

‘I did…didn’t live,’ she whispered after a few more moments. ‘I was always…scared…of him.’

‘Your husband?’

She nodded and her whole body shook. ‘He would hit me if I did not say the right thing.’

‘God.’ He pulled her closer.

‘He would hit me and hit me and hit me.’

Her heart raced at twice the normal pace and made Taris want to find the dead man and strangle him anew.

‘I have never told anyone that. Not anyone,’ she repeated.

‘Then I thank you for telling me,’ he replied, liking the way her fingers buried themselves beneath his jacket as though his warmth was her sanctuary.

‘But I won’t be that way again,’ she vowed a few moments later when she had collected herself. ‘If I think something is wrong, I will always say it.’

‘Good for you.’

A teary half-laugh ensued. ‘And I will read books in bed till after midnight should I wish to.’

‘Would you read them to me?’

‘Yes.’

‘In bed, you say?’

She laughed again. ‘Thank you for bringing me to your family home.’

‘Falder has a legend that insists those who love the place will always return.’

Return!

Bea smiled into the superfine of his well-cut jacket. Taris’s voice was soft and his hands were gentle, the firelight on his hair showing up the darkness.

A good man. A strong man. A man who walked his world with the certainty of one who was both moral and ethical.

She loved him. She did. She loved Taris Wellingham with an ache. The realisation hit her like a lightning strike.

My Lord, she had fallen in love. Hopelessly! Desperately! Completely! And she dared not tell him any of it.

Tell him and risk the end of a friendship.

Tell him and see pity where respect now stood.

Tell him and know that he would never love her back.

Her stomach heaved in a new bout of rising nausea and she swallowed heavily.

She needed time to regroup, to understand the implications of what was happening between them and to protect herself.

‘I would like to rest now…’ She left the ending unfinished and saw the flick of uncertainty as he realised she wanted him gone.

But he went. Without anger or shouted words or recriminations. A different man completely to Frankwell.

Taris walked around the gardens, not trusting himself on a steed at this time of night. He would have liked to have saddled up Thunder and run across Falder with the wind in his face and the stars at his back just like he used to. He would have liked to gallop to the highest hill above Fleetness Point and shout at the sky. Shout with anger and pain and agony, not for himself but for Bea. For a younger Bea. Trapped. Fearful. Silent.

But tonight he could only walk fast around his mother’s garden, the fence along the edge keeping him to a pathway, coriander, rosemary and thyme pungent when his cane brushed the heads of the cuttings his mother had nurtured.

Behind him he heard footsteps.

‘You look like a man who is wrestling with demons.’

Ashe’s voice.

Taris shook his head. ‘Not demons, but truth.’

‘An even trickier adversary.’

The wind in the elm trees on the ridges wailed across silence.

‘Emerald thinks that Mrs Bassingstoke might be with child. Could it be yours?’

Taris looked up, trying in the greyness to see anything of his brother’s face and failing. He remained silent as Ashe kept talking. ‘Beatrice reminds me of Emerald. She has the same steely determination and the same vulnerability.’

‘Her husband hurt her badly.’ Taris hadn’t meant to say it but the secret was too new and too raw to keep in.

‘Hell.’ His brother’s shock underlined his own, making him feel better.

‘She spent twelve years married to a bully. Now all she wants is independence.’

‘A difficult ask.’

‘I know.’

‘Tread carefully, then, for I like her and Emerald is determined she wants to keep her.’

Taris knocked on Bea’s door and she answered it very quickly. He felt the heat of her room against his face and smelt violets.

‘May I come in?’

‘Yes.’ No hesitation in her assent. He heard the rustle of her nightwear as he followed her inside. Satin, probably. He wished he might have been able to run his hands across the garment and know. But he stood still instead.

‘We need to talk, Beatrice-Maude.’

‘Because you would like me gone?’ Fear threaded her reply.

‘Gone? Lord, Bea.’ He reached out, palm up, and was pleased when he felt her fingers steal into his. A contact. Drawing her closer, he could feel the satin was cool and her hair tickled against the bare skin on his hand. Long and heavy, she had let it down for slumber. The thought made him take in a sharp breath and he scarcely knew how to start.

‘When we made love at Maldon, Beatrice, I did not protect you against the possibility of a baby.’

‘With my history it does not matter.’

He smiled into her hair and wished that he could look into her eyes. Really look.

‘I think that it might have mattered…’

She pulled back, but he did not let her go.

‘Marry me.’

‘No.’

‘No?’

‘I cannot marry you.’ Her voice was shaky. ‘Last time I married a man who did not love me I learnt the mistake of that.’

The air around them was charged with question.

‘Love?’

The way he said it was like a dagger to Bea’s heart. Love was not something to be considered or questioned. Love was simply a knowledge, unconscious and untempered.

She felt the nails of her fingers dig into the skin on her forearm.

Love me. Love me. Love me.

But as the silence lengthened she knew that he would not say it, could not say it.

‘I have enough money to disappear, to make a new life. You need not feel hemmed in by a simple mistake.’

‘Mistake?’ he countered. ‘You think this child is a mistake?’

‘This child?’

‘Our child.’ His hand fell to her stomach. ‘You must have known.’

Bea shook her head.

‘Your sickness in the morning…’

She shook it again. ‘No, that can’t be. I am barren.’

‘With your husband that might have been the case, but with me…’

‘Pregnant?’ She could not go on. The word quivering between them like a barely believable truth!

‘Ahh, sweetheart.’ He stood, not touching, but only a breath away. ‘You did not know?’ Gentle sorrow tempered his question. ‘I thought that you must have known.’

‘I thought I was ill.’ Tears blurred her eyes, but she willed them back. ‘I would not hold you to any promises.’

‘It is too late for that, I think, with a new life growing.’

His finger ran up her arm and then across her cheek and settled on the soft skin of her forehead. ‘Where in all of this lies the place for compromise? Is it here?’ His hand fell lower. ‘Or here?’ he questioned, as the beat of her heart began to thud. ‘Anything could be possible…’

She should have said nay. Should have loosed his hold and stepped back. Should have said that the joining of their flesh was only a fleeting thing, ephemeral and unimportant. But she could not say that and mean it, as his warmth spread across her, increasing her desire, and the man who was the Lord of Darkness lifted her in his arms and took her to bed.

He was not there when she woke, the warmth in the sheets long gone. So she lay with her hands across her stomach, trying in the silence to listen, to understand and believe that another soul lay within her, waiting for its own chance at life.

A child. A Wellingham child. A child conceived on a snowy night when the old fetters of restraint had been washed away and freedom left in its place. She smiled and wondered if tears were the preserve of impending motherhood as a warm wetness ran down her cheeks.

Victory.

Finally.

And so unexpected.

Joy juxtaposed with worry. Would Taris now feel bound to her in a way he might not have otherwise?

She shook away the idea as nonsense. A family. Home. Unity. Love. She could not turn away from this astonishing second chance.

When she came downstairs after eleven o’clock she learnt that Taris had taken the carriage for Ipswich and would not be back again until the morrow.

Emerald had given her the news as she sat at her own breakfast.

‘Perhaps he had some business that could not wait to be attended to?’

‘Perhaps.’ The poached eggs on toast that she had selected were suddenly very hard to swallow.