One Secret Summer (60 page)

She opened the door and stepped out into the corridor. She could hear Aaron setting the table, opening and closing drawers,
the soft ‘pop’ of a wine bottle being uncorked. Here, too, life continued as usual, moving along its normal course. Small
talk, a chat about his or her cases, office gossip. She would push the food around on her plate, decline a glass of wine …
business as usual. Only it wasn’t, of course. It was anything but. She was pregnant. She was carrying her husband’s brother’s
child. It didn’t make sense. Nothing about her life made sense any more. She wanted only to turn her face to the wall and
weep.

Three days later, she sat opposite Dom in the upstairs drawing room at Hayden Hall, overlooking the grounds where she’d married
Aaron. She couldn’t bring herself to look out of the window so she concentrated on Dom instead. The look on his face would
have been comical if Julia had had the capacity within herself to laugh.

‘You did
what
?’ Dom said faintly, passing a hand over his face.

Julia looked at her own hands. ‘I … I can’t explain it. It just … sort of happened.’

‘Julia, things like that don’t just happen. How the hell did it start?
When
did it start?’

‘That’s the thing … nothing started. I mean, we barely speak to one another. I met him that time in Johannesburg, and—’

‘What time in Johannesburg?’ Dom interrupted, looking even more alarmed. ‘You met him in Johannesburg? Julia, what’s going
on?’

Julia blushed. ‘Nothing. Nothing at all. Well, nothing was going on … it’s just that now … oh, shit, Dom … what’ve I done?’

‘What’ve
you
done? I hate to point out the obvious, my dear, but it takes two, you know.’

‘I know.’ Julia’s voice was suddenly a whisper. ‘I can’t explain it. I saw him and Niela … they’d had an argument and he stormed
off. I went after him to talk to him and then it just sort of happened. It was just the once. You’ve got to believe me, Dom.
I’ll never do it again. Never.’

Dom whistled softly and then slowly let the air out of his cheeks. ‘That’s all well and good, Burrows. But what about this
child?’

Julia felt something inside her turn with his words. ‘I don’t know what to do,’ she said, twisting her hands nervously together.
‘The thing is … Aaron and I … we’ve actually been trying for a while. There’s nothing wrong with
me
,’ she said, her voice barely above a whisper. ‘At least that’s what the doctor says. And now … well, I suppose it looks as
if he’s right. But Aaron wouldn’t even hear of going to get tested. I don’t think he can bear the thought that something might
be wrong with him.’

‘Not surprising. Most men can’t.’ Dom finished off his tea and pressed the bell. ‘I think it’s time to have something a bit
stronger, don’t you?’

Julia shook her head. ‘I can’t. Not now, anyway.’

‘Sorry, I forgot. Well, forgive me, my love, but
I
need something. I’ll have a G and T, if you don’t mind.’ Julia shook her head. Seconds later, a uniformed maid appeared and
took his order. ‘So … what
are
you going to do?’ Dom asked as soon as she’d gone again.

Julia was quiet for a moment. ‘I don’t know,’ she said, spreading her hands helplessly before her. ‘I just don’t know.’

‘Does Aaron know?’

‘No, of course not!’ Julia looked shocked. ‘I can’t tell him, Dom. I just can’t.’

‘Well, you know him best, I suppose. You’d better make sure he never finds out you got rid of it.’

Julia lifted her eyes slowly. ‘That’s the thing, though, Dom,’ she began hesitantly. ‘I’m not sure I can. Have an abortion,
I mean.’

‘What’re you talking about? No … you’re actually thinking of
having
it?’ Dom’s expression was again comical. ‘You can’t be serious, Jules. You mean have it and not tell him it’s not his? How’s
that
going to work?’

‘I don’t know.’ Julia shook her head miserably. ‘I … I haven’t really thought it through.’

‘
I’ll
say. Jesus, Burrows. Ah, thank you, Mary.’ Dom’s G & T had arrived. ‘You sure you don’t want a sip?’

She shook her head and turned to look out of the window. The lawns stretched all the way to the horizon. It was August, and
the grounds were slowly turning yellow. The line of oaks that led the eye away from the house and over the gently rolling
hills towards the lake had lost their summer freshness. By her own calculations, she was nearly six weeks pregnant. She had,
at the most, another couple of weeks to make a decision. It felt like a lifetime. ‘I don’t know what to do, Dom,’ she said,
turning back to him, the tears falling straight down her cheeks. ‘I just don’t know what to do.’

Dom was quiet for a moment. He lifted his glass and drained it in a single gulp. Julia watched him, listening for the reproach
that didn’t come. ‘If you keep it, Julia, you’d better make sure Aaron never finds out. That’s the sort of secret that can
tear a family apart. Are you prepared for that? To keep it a secret for the rest of your life?’

Julia shook her head numbly. She couldn’t answer, let alone speak.

‘Will you hold my calls, please, Liz?’ Julia shrugged on her coat and picked up an umbrella. ‘I should be back within an hour.’

‘Sure.’ Liz smiled briefly at her. ‘I’ll hold the fort.’

She opened the heavy wooden door that led to the quadrangle at the Inns and opened her brolly. It was raining again. It was
a week since she’d been to Hayden and she couldn’t put it off any longer. She crossed the quadrangle and went through the
archway, heading for Gray’s Inn Road. The church tower ahead of her chimed 4.30 p.m. She quickened her pace. She’d asked Josh
to meet her at four thirty on the dot. Traffic surged slowly up and down the main road as usual. She threaded her way through
and reached the café, five minutes ahead of time. She pushed open the door and looked around. He was already there, sitting
with his back to the window. She folded her umbrella and stowed it away before crossing the floor.

‘Josh.’ She looked down at him warily. He looked up at her, his expression carefully unreadable. His skin hadn’t yet lost
the sunny glow of Mougins. In the dreary, wet London light he looked impossibly alive. There was a sudden, dreadful surge
of elation inside her that both shocked and surprised her. Her heart was racing. ‘Look, thanks for coming to meet me,’ she
said quickly, sitting down opposite him. ‘I know you’re busy, so I’ll be quick.’ She’d heard from Diana that he would be off
soon, but she had no idea where. She
had
to talk to him; she’d no idea how long he’d be gone for. ‘D’you want something to drink?’ she asked hesitantly. He shook
his head and pulled out a packet of cigarettes instead. ‘Diana said you’ll be leaving again soon,’ Julia began hesitantly.
Now that she was seated opposite him, she found it almost impossible to begin.

‘Yep.’ He lit a cigarette but didn’t elaborate further.

Julia took a deep breath. The chatter in the café receded into the distance. She opened her mouth to begin. ‘Look, there’s
no
other way to say this. I’m pregnant, Josh. I’m nearly seven weeks pregnant.’ She folded her hands in her lap to stop them
shaking and tried to look anywhere but at him.

‘When did you find out?’ he asked after a moment, stubbing out his cigarette.

‘A couple of weeks ago.’ She swallowed. ‘I did the test at home.’

‘How d’you know it’s mine?’

She felt a sharp stab of pain. She waited for a second before answering. ‘I … haven’t been with Aaron since … since Mougins.
We … we’ve been trying for a while. Look, I didn’t want to have to tell you all this … you don’t need to know. And it’s not
fair on Aaron. But I don’t know what to do, and—’

‘You can’t keep it.’ Josh’s tone was flat.

Julia stared at him. ‘That’s up to me,’ she said sharply, stung by the hostility in his voice.

‘You can’t keep it,’ he repeated.

‘My choice, not yours,’ she repeated.

He picked up the packet of cigarettes that lay on the table and got to his feet. ‘You can’t keep it, Julia, you can’t. It’ll
… it’ll destroy everything. Everyone. Trust me, I know what I’m talking about.’ He ran a hand through his hair. There was
a strange, hunted look on his face. ‘I … I’ve got to go.’

She was too surprised to speak. She watched him pull on his leather jacket and walk quickly to the door. It banged shut behind
him and she was suddenly alone.

Josh stumbled out of the café and into the fine drizzle of rain. There was a sharp, gusting wind that turned umbrellas inside
out and blew the skirts of women up and around their legs. He didn’t see any of that. He turned the collar of his jacket up
against his ears and made his way down Gray’s Inn Road, though he had no clear idea of where he was headed.
I’m pregnant
. Julia’s words reverberated in his skull.
I’m pregnant
.

There was a bus coming towards him. He had no idea where it was going; he climbed on board. He took a seat at the rear,
crammed in between two generously proportioned Turkish women and their grocery bags who talked over his head as if he simply
weren’t there. He was grateful for their disregard – he couldn’t think, let alone think straight. He tried to reconstruct
the day’s events in his head. He’d been at home, lying on the couch watching afternoon television, when the phone rang. It
was Julia. ‘Niela’s at work,’ he said flicking through the channels, wondering what the hell she wanted. He had another week
of enforced holiday before his next assignment. He couldn’t wait to be gone.

‘No, I’m not phoning for Niela. I … I really need to talk to you.’

‘Talk to
me
? What for?’ He was both surprised and annoyed. He’d tried to put what had happened in Mougins out of his head.

‘Can we just meet? I’d rather not say it over the phone.’

A feeling of panic had swept over him, settling on his skin. ‘When?’

‘Could you meet me this afternoon? Around four thirty or so?’

‘Fine. Where.’ She named a café along Gray’s Inn Road. He put down the phone, uncomfortably aware of everything he’d tried
to suppress over the past couple of months rising slowly to the surface.

Now here he was, sitting on a bus heading God alone knew where, squashed between the two women, who talked incessantly across
him in a language that washed over him like rain. How had it happened? He shook his head in irritation. Stupid question. He
knew exactly how. Why it had happened was another question altogether. He now understood the expression ‘temporary insanity’
– it was as if a momentary madness had come over him that day. He shook his head again, this time more forcefully. Who was
he kidding? What was it Rania had said to him? The memory of those last few months with her, when they’d both done all they
could to hurt each other, burned over him, reaching down into every part of him.
What you have
done once you will do again
. She was right; he’d cheated on her, just as she’d cheated on him. It was the way he’d always done things, and at the time
it seemed the only thing to do. Tit for tat, an eye for an eye, burning for burning. He knew his sense of justice was warped,
and he knew why – not that it helped. When he found out about Rania, it seemed to be the only thing to do. Do unto her … and
that was exactly what he’d done. Not once, not twice, but over and over again until she couldn’t stand it any longer and neither
could he. He’d packed his bags then, leaving the flat they’d shared in Amman, and that was the last home he’d had – until
now, until Niela. And now he’d done it again. Only this time, the person he’d done it with wasn’t some insignificant young
NGO worker whom he could fuck once and leave behind. This time, it was different. Julia was pregnant. The child was his. He
believed her, in spite of himself. There was something clear and straightforward about her expression; she’d looked at him
without a trace of coquetry or guile. No, whatever else Aaron’s wife was, she wasn’t a liar – that much was obvious, even
to him. What the hell was he supposed to do now? He ran a hand through his hair in agitation. Christ. What a mess. History
endlessly repeating itself. Chickens coming home to roost. Apples and trees. The clichés came at him, thick and fast.

NIELA

London, August 2000

Niela stared down at her hands. Anna was looking at her expectantly, waiting for her to continue. ‘I … I don’t know,’ she
said finally. ‘I tried to talk to Josh about it. That same morning when I went to the archives. But he got so angry …
he just stormed off.’ She stopped, as if she was aware she’d already said too much. She hesitated, clearly torn. ‘The thing
is …’ She stopped again. It didn’t seem right to her to be telling Anna what Josh had told her about Diana and Rufus, but
she had to tell someone. She took a deep breath. ‘Diana had an affair,’ she said slowly. ‘Only I don’t think it’s actually
over. I think it’s still going on. It’s Harvey’s brother. Rufus. Josh’s uncle.’ She stopped again.

Anna’s eyes were wide, round saucers. ‘Go on,’ she said, her voice almost a whisper.

‘There’s something else.’

‘What?’

‘There’s a gardener. His names is … was … Mohammed. He disappeared about thirty years ago. There was this case … I found it
in the archives.’ She began to tell Anna the story.

Anna was silent for a long time after she’d finished. Niela watched her, not saying anything. It was such a relief to spell
it out, to put into words what she’d been too afraid to even think. ‘What do
you
think?’ she asked Anna finally, when she couldn’t stand the silence any longer. ‘D’you think I’m mad?’

Anna lifted her coffee cup and took a sip. She shook her head. ‘No, you’re not mad. But there are too many secrets in that
family. Too many secrets. You can’t go on like this. You’ve got to tell Josh what you just told me. You’ve got to help him
find out who he really is.’

Niela nodded slowly. Anna was right. It was time to end the cycle of silence. Josh was leaving in a few days’ time. She had
to do it now.

‘Thanks,’ she said to Anna, getting up and putting on her coat. ‘Thanks for listening.’