One Hand Jerking (17 page)
Authors: Paul Krassner
“It's just their way of saying that something gets you horny.”
Lenny clenched his jaw, nodding his head in affirmation of a new discovery: “So it's against the law to get you
horny
.”
horny
.”
He asked me to give out copies of
The Realist
with the Ellis interview in front of Town Hall before his concert that night. He brought a copy on stage and proceeded to talk about it. As a result, he was barred from performing there again.
The Realist
with the Ellis interview in front of Town Hall before his concert that night. He brought a copy on stage and proceeded to talk about it. As a result, he was barred from performing there again.
“They'll book me again,” Lenny said. “They made too much on that concert. I'd have more respect for them if they
didn't
ever book me again. At least it'd show they were keeping their word.”
didn't
ever book me again. At least it'd show they were keeping their word.”
But he was right. They
did
book him again.
did
book him again.
I was able to subsidize
The Realist
by doing interviews for
Playboy
's new feature, the Playboy Panel, which wasn't
really
a panel. I had to interview each person separately, then follow up with questions to give the illusion of interplay, and finally weave all the material into a discussion until I was convinced that we had all been sitting at a table together in the same room. For a panel on “The Hip
Humorists” in 1960, I flew to Milwaukee to interview Lenny. He was staying at the YMCA. After checking in, I went to his room. We talked for a while. As we were leaving, he asked furtively, “Did you steal anything?” I took my watch out of my pocket (I didn't like to wear it on my wrist) and placed it on the bureau. Lenny laughedâone loud staccato “
Ha
!Ӊand kissed me on the forehead.
The Realist
by doing interviews for
Playboy
's new feature, the Playboy Panel, which wasn't
really
a panel. I had to interview each person separately, then follow up with questions to give the illusion of interplay, and finally weave all the material into a discussion until I was convinced that we had all been sitting at a table together in the same room. For a panel on “The Hip
Humorists” in 1960, I flew to Milwaukee to interview Lenny. He was staying at the YMCA. After checking in, I went to his room. We talked for a while. As we were leaving, he asked furtively, “Did you steal anything?” I took my watch out of my pocket (I didn't like to wear it on my wrist) and placed it on the bureau. Lenny laughedâone loud staccato “
Ha
!Ӊand kissed me on the forehead.
That evening, three plainclothes police walked into his dressing room at the club where he was working. They told him not to discuss politics or religion or sex, or they'd yank him right off the stage. The previous night, a group of Catholics had signed a complaint about his act. The cops told him that he shouldn't say “son-of-a-bitch” in his impression of a white-collar drunk. Lenny was nervous, and did two slightly toned-down shows. We went back to his room and took turns naming all the books we had
not
readâeven though we both used references from themâfrom James Joyce to Harold Robbins, from Franz Kafka to Kahlil Gibran.
not
readâeven though we both used references from themâfrom James Joyce to Harold Robbins, from Franz Kafka to Kahlil Gibran.
“People use
The Prophet
to get laid,” Lenny said.
The Prophet
to get laid,” Lenny said.
Critics had written about each of us that we were in the tradition of Jonathan Swift and Mark Twain, but neither of us had read any of their books. Coincidentally, though, we were both reading books by Nathanael West. I was reading
Miss Lonelyhearts
and he was reading
The Dream Life of Balso Snell
, which had a line about an old actress with much-shaved armpits, prompting Lenny to improvise on what eventually developed into a routine about a popular singer who flashed her
un
shaved armpit to the audience. We stayed up till morning, discussing the subjectivity of humor.
Miss Lonelyhearts
and he was reading
The Dream Life of Balso Snell
, which had a line about an old actress with much-shaved armpits, prompting Lenny to improvise on what eventually developed into a routine about a popular singer who flashed her
un
shaved armpit to the audience. We stayed up till morning, discussing the subjectivity of humor.
At breakfast in the YMCA cafeteria, a man sitting at our table told how he had slapped his daughter because she wanted to see
Psycho
. He had seen it and didn't want her to witness a kissing scene between a partially disrobed couple. He didn't mention the violence of repeatedly stabbing a woman in the shower, but the contradictions in that conversation would work their way into Lenny's performance that night.
Psycho
. He had seen it and didn't want her to witness a kissing scene between a partially disrobed couple. He didn't mention the violence of repeatedly stabbing a woman in the shower, but the contradictions in that conversation would work their way into Lenny's performance that night.
I was fascinated by the way he played with ideas, and inspired by how he weaved taboo comedic targetsânuclear testing, teachers' low salaries, drug laws, abortion rights, organized religionâinto stream-of-consciousness vignettes. I was intrigued by the way he did show-and-tell with his audiences. When he heard “There Is a Rose in Spanish Harlem” on the radio, he bought the record, came on stage with a phonograph and played it. “Listen to these lyrics. This is like a Puerto Rican
Porgy and Bess
.” And when Gary Cooper died,
he brought the
New York Daily News
on stage to share a headline: “The Last Roundup!”
Porgy and Bess
.” And when Gary Cooper died,
he brought the
New York Daily News
on stage to share a headline: “The Last Roundup!”
“I found this today,” he would say, introducing a bizarre concept as though it were as tangible as a record or a newspaper. Then, in each succeeding performance, he would sculpt and resculpt his findings into a theatrical context, playing all the parts, experimenting from show to show like a jazz musician, with a throwaway line evolving from night to night into a set routine. Audience laughter turned into applause for the creative process itself.
“Please don't applaud,” Lenny requested. “It breaks my rhythm.”
But sometimes he'd become so serious that the laughs wouldn't come every 15-25 seconds. I reminded him of this apparent inconsistency with his definition of a comedian's role.
“Yes,” he said, “but I'm changing.”
“What do you mean?”
“I'm not a comedian. I'm Lenny Bruce.”
Lenny's first arrest occurred in September 1961, ostensibly for drugsâfor which he had prescriptionsâbut actually because he was making too much money and the local officials wanted a piece of the action. He was working at the Red Hill Inn in Pennsauken, New Jersey. Cops broke into his hotel room to make the bust. That night an attorney and bail bondsman came backstage and told him that $10,000 was all it would take for the judge to dismiss the charges. A beatnik-looking young lawyer friend witnessed this attempted extortion. In court, Lenny pleaded not guilty.
“Incidentally,” he added, “I can only come up with $50.”
The judge dismissed the case against him.
In October, Lenny was arrested for obscenity at the Jazz Workshop in San Francisco for using the word
cocksucker
to describe a cocksucker. He got busted for aptness of vocabulary. The officers said they came because of an anonymous phone call the previous night, although the doorman insisted that there had been no complaints or walkouts.
cocksucker
to describe a cocksucker. He got busted for aptness of vocabulary. The officers said they came because of an anonymous phone call the previous night, although the doorman insisted that there had been no complaints or walkouts.
“We're trying to elevate this street,” a sergeant told Lenny. “I took offense because you broke the law. I can't see any way you can break that word down. Our society isn't geared to it.”
“You break it down,” Lenny replied, “by talking about it.”
Two decades later, Meryl Streep would get an Academy Award for saying “cocksucker” in
Sophie's Choice
, and if she didn't, then fellow nominee Jessica Lange would've won the Oscar for saying “cocksucker” in
Frances
.
Sophie's Choice
, and if she didn't, then fellow nominee Jessica Lange would've won the Oscar for saying “cocksucker” in
Frances
.
Lenny was writing his autobiographyâ
How to Talk Dirty and Influence People
âwhich
Playboy
would serialize, then publish as a book, and they hired me as his editor. We hooked up in Atlantic City, where Lenny drove a rented car. We passed a sign warning, CRIMINALS MUST REGISTER, and Lenny decided to dedicate his book “to all the followers of Christ and his teachings; in particular to a true ChristianâJimmy Hoffaâbecause he hired ex-convicts as, I assume, Christ would have.”
How to Talk Dirty and Influence People
âwhich
Playboy
would serialize, then publish as a book, and they hired me as his editor. We hooked up in Atlantic City, where Lenny drove a rented car. We passed a sign warning, CRIMINALS MUST REGISTER, and Lenny decided to dedicate his book “to all the followers of Christ and his teachings; in particular to a true ChristianâJimmy Hoffaâbecause he hired ex-convicts as, I assume, Christ would have.”
Lenny was taking Dilaudid for lethargy, and sent a telegram to a contact, with a phraseâDE LAWD IN DE SKYâas a code to send a doctor's prescription. Now he got sick while waiting for it to be filled. Later, while we were relaxing on the beach, I hesitatingly brought up the subject.
“Don't you think it's ironic that your whole style should be so free-form, and yet you can also be a slave to dope?”
“What does that mean, a slave to dope?”
“Well, if you need a fix, you've got to stop whatever you're doing, go somewhere and wrap a lamp cord around your armâ”
“Then other people are slaves to
food
. âOh, I'm so famished, I must have lunch immediately or I'll pass out.'”
food
. âOh, I'm so famished, I must have lunch immediately or I'll pass out.'”
“You said yourself you're probably gonna die before you reach 40.”
“Yeah, butâI can't explainâit's like kissing God.”
“Well, I ain't gonna argue with
that
.”
that
.”
Later, he began to get paranoid about my role: “You're gonna go to literary cocktail parties, and you're gonna say, âYeah, that's right, I found Lenny slobbering in an alley, he would've been nothin' without me.'”
I denied any such intention, but he demanded that I take a lie-detector test, and
I
was paranoid enough to take him literally. I told him that I couldn't work with him if he didn't trust me. We got into an argument, and I left. I sent a letter of resignation to
Playboy
and a copy to Lenny. A few weeks later, I got a telegram from him that sounded as if we had been on the verge of a divorceâWHY CAN'T IT BE THE WAY IT USED TO BE?âand I agreed to try again.
I
was paranoid enough to take him literally. I told him that I couldn't work with him if he didn't trust me. We got into an argument, and I left. I sent a letter of resignation to
Playboy
and a copy to Lenny. A few weeks later, I got a telegram from him that sounded as if we had been on the verge of a divorceâWHY CAN'T IT BE THE WAY IT USED TO BE?âand I agreed to try again.
In December 1962, I flew to Chicago to resume working with Lenny. He was performing at the Gate of Horn, and now he was asking the whole
audience
to take a lie-detector test. He recognized my laugh.
audience
to take a lie-detector test. He recognized my laugh.
Lenny had been reading a study of anti-Semitism by Jean-Paul Sartre, and he was obsessed by the implications of a news item with a statement by Adolf Eichmann that he would have been “not only a scoundrel but a despicable pig” if he
hadn't
carried out Hitler's orders. Lenny wrote a piece for
The Realist
, “Letter From a Soldier's Wife”ânamely,
Mrs.
Eichmannâpleading for compassion to spare her husband's life. Now, on stage, he credited Thomas Merton's poem about the Holocaust, requested that all the lights go off except one dim blue spot, and then began speaking with a German accent:
hadn't
carried out Hitler's orders. Lenny wrote a piece for
The Realist
, “Letter From a Soldier's Wife”ânamely,
Mrs.
Eichmannâpleading for compassion to spare her husband's life. Now, on stage, he credited Thomas Merton's poem about the Holocaust, requested that all the lights go off except one dim blue spot, and then began speaking with a German accent:
My name is Adolf Eichmann. And the Jews came every day to what they thought would be fun in the showers. People say I should have been hung.
Nein
. Do you recognize the whore in the middle of youâthat you would have done the same if you were there yourselves? My defense: I was a soldier. I saw the end of a conscientious day's effort. I watched through the portholes. I saw every Jew burned and turned into soap. Do you people think yourselves better because you burned your enemies at long distance with missiles without ever seeing what you had done to them? Hiroshima
auf Wiedersehen
. [
German accent ends
.] If we would have lost the war, they would have strung Truman up by the balls, Jim. Are you kidding with that? Not what kid told kid told kid. They would just
schlep
out all those Japanese mutants. “Here they did; there they are.” And Truman said they'd do it again. That's what they should have the same day as Remember Pearl Harbor. Play them in unison.
Nein
. Do you recognize the whore in the middle of youâthat you would have done the same if you were there yourselves? My defense: I was a soldier. I saw the end of a conscientious day's effort. I watched through the portholes. I saw every Jew burned and turned into soap. Do you people think yourselves better because you burned your enemies at long distance with missiles without ever seeing what you had done to them? Hiroshima
auf Wiedersehen
. [
German accent ends
.] If we would have lost the war, they would have strung Truman up by the balls, Jim. Are you kidding with that? Not what kid told kid told kid. They would just
schlep
out all those Japanese mutants. “Here they did; there they are.” And Truman said they'd do it again. That's what they should have the same day as Remember Pearl Harbor. Play them in unison.
Lenny was arrested for obscenity that night. The cops broke open his candy bars, looking for drugs. One of the items in the police report complained: “Then talking about the war he stated, âIf we would have lost the war, they would have strung Truman up by the balls.'”
“I guess what happens,” Lenny mused, “if you get arrested in town A and then in Town B, with a lot of publicity, then when you get to Town C they
have
to arrest you or what kind of shithouse town are
they
running?”
have
to arrest you or what kind of shithouse town are
they
running?”
Chicago was Town C. Lenny had been released on bail and was working again, but the head of the vice squad warned the manager: “If this man ever uses a four-letter word in this club again, I'm going to pinch you and everyone in here. If he ever speaks against religion, I'm going to pinch you and everyone in here. Do you understand? You've had good people here. But he mocks the popeâand I'm speaking as a CatholicâI'm here to tell you your license is in danger. We're going to have someone here watching every show.”
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