Once Upon A Time in the West . . . Country (41 page)

All that we were sure of was that almost everything that had ever been written about parenting seemed to be the polar opposite of something that had been written elsewhere. The only thing on which there appeared to be general agreement was that babies shouldn’t be dropped on their heads – although someone somewhere will no doubt have a theory that this strengthens their necks, and prepares them for the hard knocks of life that are still to come. All we could hang on to was the fact that we had the two most important resources available to our child – time and love.

On top of that, we could sprinkle the extra ingredients of a delightful environment in which to live, and a good bunch of caring, attentive neighbours. And how our neighbours shared in the excitement of a new baby in the village. Each time we’d bump into somebody – on the few occasions when we had the time or inclination to venture outside – an excited yelp would be followed by delighted fussing and extensive questioning. Most commonly we heard:

‘Is he good?’

At first this confused me. What
did
they mean?
Is he good?
Were they asking if he did much voluntary work, ran errands for the elderly, or raised money for charitable causes? If so, then he wasn’t
good
, because he did none of those things. But if he wasn’t good, then did this make him bad? But how could he be bad? He’d hardly burgled any houses, put anyone to death, or claimed for expenses on a second home in his constituency that he didn’t use. I assume that what was really being asked in this question was ‘How badly had he disrupted our lives?’
Is he good?
means ‘Does he cry much?’ or ‘Does he sleep through the night?’ Dangerous criteria for judging goodness, in my book. Hitler, Pol Pot, Stalin, and Saddam Hussein were all good sleepers and, as far as I know, they only cried when they stubbed their toes.

In spite of the odd unwelcome tip on parenting, we were generally delighted to be in a community where who we were, and what we were doing, mattered to those around us. Most of the time we were too sleep-deprived, vague and dazed to notice it, but we had definitely gone from being anonymous Londoners to part of a community, and this community was helping us to fumble through our first fortnight of parenthood, a period that we were coming to view as a state of joyous upheaval.

We had a vision for the future, too, just like those early pilgrims on the
Mayflower
who, like us, had headed West to start a new life. We wanted to raise our child learning to grow food; to be conscious of, and responsible with, the energy that he would use; to learn to love others, but above all himself; and to sit in on village hall meetings to make sure that we bought in toilet paper before it ran out.

And one day maybe, just maybe, he’d get to drive Reg’s Zetor tractor.

From:        
Tony Hawks

Sent:        
Wednesday, 2 April 2014, 12:58 p.m.

To:        
Ian Hislop

Subject:        
this is all your fault

Ian

This is all your fault.

If you hadn’t saved my seat next to Fran at the Samuel Johnson Prize then none of this would have happened.

Tony and Fran x

From:        
Ian Hislop

Subject:        
Re: this is all your fault

Date:        
3 April 2014, 09:05:42 GMT+01:00

To:        
Hawks Tony

Amazing ! Congratulations to you both ! What a wonderful result from such a small act – we have done something useful with our lives after all! Ian and Victoria x

Acknowledgements

I’d like to say a big thank you to all the characters who appear in this book. Without you there is no story and you  are what makes it fun. I hope I have done you justice and please forgive me for not spending more time describing how beautiful/handsome you are. I wanted to – honestly – but those bastard editors at the publishers wouldn’t have it. I’d also like to say thank you to those bastard editors at the publishers.

Notes

Chapter 1

1
www.moldovansmovie.com

2
Only the ‘shorts’ part of it had really gone to plan.

3
Very nearly an oxymoron.

4
It’s never been really clear who is in charge of this stuff. It’s nice that there might be someone in charge that cares about this kind of stuff. But if it is also them that organises tornadoes, droughts, landslides and floods, then I wish they’d desist.

Chapter 2

1
It’s a size thing, I think. Of course, I could tell you if I just typed ‘what’s the difference between a courgette and a marrow?’ – but I thought you might like to do that yourself. I don’t want to spoil your fun.

2
They ought to know better than us how to do it –
fête
is a French word after all. (I know, by this logic, that the French ought to be worse at enjoying le ‘weekend’ or finding le ‘parking’ spaces, but who knows, maybe that is the case?)

Chapter 3

1
I didn’t have the balls to defend my arguments.

2
Successful relationships are about giving in to what the other person wants. The other person then calls it compromise.

3
Yet.

4
Lindane, also known as
gamma
-hexachlorocyclohexane, is an organochlorine chemical variant of hexachlorocyclohexane, which has been used both as an agricultural insecticide and as a pharmaceutical treatment for lice and scabies. There. Now you know. By the way, in humans, lindane affects the nervous system, liver and kidneys, and may be a carcinogen. It is unclear whether lindane is an endocrine disruptor. Especially to me.

5
Look it up yourself.

6
But often with better taste in music.

7
Some artistic licence at work here.

Chapter 4

1
10 seconds.

Chapter 5

1
I actually suffer from a condition that has no official name, but it’s a
fear of being early
. If it looks like I’m well ahead of the game and might arrive ten minutes before required, I begin some other needless task that will then cause me to run late. There is no known cure.

2
The modern jazzier version can be heard here –
www.tonyhawks.bandcamp.com
– and at least it’s doing some good. All proceeds from downloads are going to my care centre in Moldova for kids with cerebral palsy.

Chapter 6

1
Not that I’d done particularly well with the subject that I
did
pick. See:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6rQeY5s5oTM

2
They call this ‘conscious uncoupling’ now. Ironic that it was probably a coupling whilst barely conscious that kicked the whole thing off in the first place.

3
It remains a mystery to me why an item like this remained on the agenda when, as in this case, no one had the decency not to turn up.

4
Many creationists who hold that God didn’t actually get round to creating the world until a few thousand years ago, are no doubt impressed that skittles was one of the first things that man started to do with his time.

Chapter 7

1
A sonographer, if you want to show off. I will, later in this chapter.

2
Brassica
is not, as I’d originally thought, a resort on a Greek island, but the name for the genus of plants in the mustard family.

3
This is traditionally written as ‘Baaaaa’, but I can’t bring myself.

4
Face it. He’s a much better neighbour than yours.

5
Showbiz beckoned. On TV already.

6
All parents want to have bright, intelligent children. Dog owners are the same with their dogs. ‘Look, isn’t she clever!’ they say, when the dog brings them back a stick they’ve thrown – as if this is a measure of anything other than gross stupidity. I sense that this need for bright pets and intelligent offspring stems from our own insecurities. Rather cruelly, I’ve always enjoyed playing on this when around the parents of newborns or toddlers. Away from the parents, I will spend a little time with the child before returning to declare:

‘Beautiful child.’

The parents beam.

‘Very calm. Very much at peace.’

More smiles.

Then I deliver the sucker punch.

‘Not very bright, though.’

Looks of horror.

I’d then leave it as long as I could, before revealing that I was only joking.

Chapter 8

1
Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs, also known as DEFRA or Defra.

2
Those of you who enjoy my confusion with Tony Hawk the skateboarder may enjoy this:
http://www.tony-hawks.com/skateboarding.php

3
Remember this the next time you hear someone saying that they’re ‘sweating like a pig’. Pick them up on it. May I suggest that you begin your sentence: ‘Well, that’s just where you’re wrong, my friend . . .’ Thus, you will win their admiration, and they won’t find you remotely annoying.

Chapter 9

1
Could that be what Bryan Adams’s song was about?

2
No films have been made about this, even though the views are prettier than those from the bridge on the River Kwai. However, its failure to have played any meaningful role in the story of Japanese prisoners of war in Burma has biased film-makers against it.

3
In this book, I promise to keep you sporadically informed of trivia that will astonish your friends and make you a major hit at dinner parties. Try this for size. The A361 is the longest three-digit A road in the UK (195 miles). A stunner, I think you’ll agree.

Chapter 10

1
Just a thought, but do you think Jesus lost out on presents, what with his birthday falling on Christmas Day? Always bothered me, that.

2
The host, Richard Whiteley, began the show with the words: ‘As the countdown to a brand new channel ends, a brand new countdown begins.’ (I am keeping my promise about providing you with trivia that will astound and impress your friends.)

3
OK, I’ve got to be honest here. The rotten tide had gone out, so I ended up dipping the rear wheel in sodden sand. I won’t tell
Guinness World Records
, if you don’t.

Chapter 11

1
Or O.T.D.W.A.P.I.A.T.O.A.V.O.N. as it’s more catchily known.

2
It will be down to me when you cover yourself in glory at the next pub quiz you attend, where one of the questions is
: The estuaries of which two Devon rivers join to the north of Bideford and west of Barnstaple to empty into the Bristol Channel?

3
I’ve not been to Shanghai, but regardless of whether it’s true or not, this is too good a strapline not to use. (A note to Shanghai’s city planners – feel free to use this. No need to ask my permission – it’s yours.)

4
Even if things went badly wrong, Titch wouldn’t make it onto the menu, provided I was on hand to quote from the Old Testament and the Quran. ‘And the pig, because it has a split hoof, but does not chew the cud; it is unclean for you. You shall neither eat of their flesh nor touch their carcass.’ Deuteronomy 14:8. ‘He has made unlawful for you that which dies of itself and blood and the flesh of swine and that on which the name of any other than Allah has been invoked.’ Quran, Al-Bagara 2:173. For more details, go to: www.God’snotkeenonbacon.com