Once Upon a Road Trip (11 page)

Confused over the intensity of the sudden emotion, she scanned farther up the concrete sidewalk until she spotted an approaching group of tourists. They weren’t close enough for her to read their expressions, and so the weight of her isolation lingered.

What’s the matter with me?

She’d had years to grow accustomed to being on her own — why did it feel so wrong to be now?

Angie recalled reading somewhere that Niagara Falls saw at least twenty suicides a year. She wondered if they’d all been people who arrived with that intent, or if some of them had simply come to see the falls alone and been so entranced that their better judgment had abandoned them to their impulses. Looking at it now, she could understand why the falls had an appeal as both a dramatic and serene ending. She was also reasonably sure that “normal” people didn’t entertain such morbid thoughts in the midst of such breathtaking beauty.

During a much darker time in her life, she would have been someone who shouldn’t visit this place. When her depression had been at its worst a few years before, she had pondered a variety of horrible remedies. In truth, she’d never actually wanted her life to end. She’d only wanted release from the ever-gnawing pain that seemed to detach her from all things good and rational. She was ashamed to recall the perverse distortion of her former mindset, but at the same time, she knew it was somehow critical she never forget.

It would be an easy jump
, she thought. The low barrier wasn’t much of a deterrent.

She could imagine herself climbing up over the railing and perching there for a moment — gathering desperation and awaiting a pulse of fear to stop her, or compulsion to propel her. In her mind’s eye she could feel the thrill and exhilaration of freefall – the cool moisture on her skin as the mists engulfed her form and obscured her vision. She wasn’t sure if it would make it easier, not being able to see or gauge when her body would plunge into the water. Those precious few seconds would seem like a drawn-out eternity. And that would make the slap of impact and the frigid immersion all the more shocking to her body. Would she fight to the surface for air, or would her stunned senses hold her suspended in the tumultuous current?

Angie was somewhat certain she would end up fighting. If she survived the fall, that is. She was too much of a fighter to begin with, and she imagined the craving for air would override any other thought or intention. Base survival instincts aside, she felt sure her splash landing would wake her up to at least one glaring revelation: that the answer to penetrating loneliness couldn’t possibly be found in dying alone, surrounded by darkness and cold. Even at her worst, she hoped she would have been able to reason that much.

Something nudged gently at the back of Angie’s mind, reeling her in from her melancholy speculations. It wasn’t healthy to entertain thoughts like that for long — she knew that much about herself full well.

“I know, I know… I’m not really alone,” she whispered, forming a faint smile as her internal bearings settled. Realizing her pulse was rushing fast in her ears, she took a step back from the railing and concentrated on slowing it. There were distracting downsides to having a vivid imagination.

Behind her she heard the approaching crowd as they neared the overlook. Her thoughts shifted to the present, the practical. Remembering her disposable camera, she readied the advance switch and scanned over the nearest family as they arrived.

One couple stood out to her. Appearing to be in their mid-thirties, the man was tall, rail thin, and confident in stature, while the woman seemed tiny and demure by comparison. A boy who couldn’t have been more than eight years old trailed close at the woman’s heels, fiddling with an expensive-looking camera. She supposed them to be Japanese, based on the bits of conversation she overheard exchanged between them.

“Konichiwa!” She tested the theory in a friendly voice, waving with an open degree of uncertainty. All three stopped and looked at her with what she took to be immediate recognition. Before they had a chance to overestimate her linguistic skills, she held up her camera, pointing to it with her free hand and then motioning to herself. The man’s expression brightened in understanding and he accepted the camera from her.

“Hai, onegai,” she said in vague request, trusting he could figure out the device. She took several strides backward until she leaned shoulders into the cement portion of the railing. The man took care with the shot, shuffling to one side to include more of the cliffs with the falls behind her. When he’d finished, she gave him a dipping bow as she took the camera back.

“Domo arigatō,” she thanked him. And unless they wanted her to count to ten, she’d just expended her entire arsenal of useful Japanese vocabulary. Fortunately, the man and woman just smiled politely and didn’t seem to expect any further conversation. As they walked past her to the railing with the boy in tow, Angie stepped back to take in one last look.

She watched as the man hoisted the boy up to give him a better look at the falls and down into the massive gorge below. The woman spoke soft, rapid words to the child, in a tone that Angie thought held an air of reverence. The boy answered in a high, excited voice, pointing to something in the vicinity of the lower river. She felt herself warm at their shared amazement.

Almost without thinking, she advanced her film and snapped a quick picture of the awestruck family. None of their faces would be in the photo, but that didn’t matter. It was the concept, not the specifics, she wanted to capture. Contented punctuation to her otherwise manic impression of the landmark.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Angie parked along the street in a quiet, middle-class suburb of Toronto, grateful to have daylight left to spare. She’d never met Daniel or his family before, but she was sure showing up in broad daylight would be more comfortable for everyone involved.

Though, she had no reason to expect a poor reception. Daniel had met his girlfriend on the same story writing community that Angie had met them on, and from what she understood, she’d flown in from Alberta for a visit just a few weeks prior. His family had to be somewhat used to the idea of long distance social networking.

With her bag in hand, Angie walked to the front door of the cedar-sided house and rang the bell. She’d called from a payphone to verify her directions, and so it wasn’t a surprise when Daniel opened the door almost immediately.

He was a gangly young man, no taller than she was. Longish, mousy brown hair laid limp just past his ears. His facial features were fine, particularly for a male, and set against pale skin. His gray eyes would have appeared large behind the strong prescription of his eyeglasses, if not for their tendency to drift halfway closed.

“Hello Danny,” she said, offering out a hand.

Daniel thinned his lips into a smile and clasped her hand in a firm shake. “Good, you didn’t get too lost,” he answered in a mild voice. He looked over his shoulder and swung the door open. “Come say hi, Mom. See? She’s a real girl, just like I said.”

Angie waved to the figure approaching from behind him. The petite woman appeared to be in her early fifties with straight, shoulder length hair the same hue as Danny’s. Her expression brightened as she neared. “Oh, good. I just wanted to be absolutely sure. You understand, I hope—” she said in a high, rapid voice. She reached out and shook Angie’s hand just as Danny released it. “I’m Mary. And I’m sorry we don’t have a spare room, but you’re welcome to the couch.” The woman motioned behind herself and to the left toward the den. “You’re a friend of Katie’s?” 

Angie nodded, smiling. “I wish I could have arranged my trip so I’d be passing through while she was visiting, but I wasn’t done with my classes then. It sounded like she had a great time with your family.” She stepped past Danny as the woman ushered her in.

“Oh, she was a delight to finally meet.” Mary said, reaching up to pat her son’s shoulder. “I was more than a little worried when Danny flew out to see her over Christmas break. But, what could I do? He’s twenty, after all. And he was so bound and determined.” She leaned toward Angie to add, “He was a preemie, you know. I’ve worried about him his whole life.”

Danny rolled his eyes and cast a light smirk between the women. “Thanks, Mom. I can take it from here.”

Mary gave an apologetic smile. “You make yourself right at home,” she directed to Angie. She pivoted then and trotted off across the hardwood floor toward what looked like the kitchen.

“She worries too much,” Danny said. “I’ll show you where the computers are, if you need to get in touch with anyone. And don’t mind my little brother. He’s skulking around here somewhere, but he shouldn’t bother you for long if he does show himself.”

Angie chuckled as she moved into the den to deposit her duffel bag onto the couch. She unzipped the bag and withdrew a square envelope, turning to offer it to him. “Here, before I forget. This is your -extremely- belated Christmas card from Elsie.”

Danny raised his brows, though this didn’t do much to alter his otherwise bland expression. “How…nice. Should I be terrified?” he asked, plucking it out of her hand and tearing it open on one side.

Angie laughed. “Maybe a little. This is Elsie we’re talking about.” She awaited his reaction as he opened the handmade card and read it to himself.

“Ah-ha. Thinly veiled threats and outright insults. I’m touched.” He flipped the card over and pointed to an amorphous shape laminated to the inside with scotch tape. “And look, she made a sculpture of my soldier character out of belly button lint. I will treasure this forever.” Danny’s dry sarcasm conveyed the undertones of good-humor, though his voice and facial expression remained deadpan. She’d begun to suspect that this sort of emotionally-limited countenance was normal for him.

Angie rubbed a palm over her face and sighed. “Don’t worry—it’s just pocket lint. I saw her making it, I just didn’t know what it was for at the time. But trust me, this is about as endearing as it gets with her.”

Danny folded the card back on itself and slipped it into his pocket. “It’s truly an honor.”

Angie followed Danny up the hallway staircase to the second floor, where an open office loft overlooked the ground level. Three computers sat along one wall, each atop their own desk. Danny motioned to the farthest one. “Help yourself. I’ve got a few things to take care of, but we can go get something to eat later at the restaurant I bus at. I get a discount.” He took a seat in front of the middle computer.

Angie settled in, going through her mental checklist. Once she’d finished with her mass email update, she spent another hour keeping entertained with online games, sitting in silence as her host went about his business. Bearing in mind the fact that she’d be leaving the next day, it didn’t seem worth her dwindling energy to force conversation.

Her gaze occasionally drifted to a framed picture sitting on the desk beside the computer. She recognized Katie with her long, dark hair and narrow-framed glasses, standing in front of the railing overlook of Niagara Falls near the very spot where Angie had viewed it earlier in the day. The timid-looking girl was dressed in a red tank-top and jean shorts, standing beside a broadly smiling Danny, who had one arm draped across her shoulders.

Geeks in love
.

In the den she’d seen a similar picture of the pair, affectionately huddled together in front of a vast, mountainous vista. The two had obviously seen the sights during Katie’s visit.

While the most conscious part of her was happy these two had found each other, another part or her wrestled with an upwelling of gloom. Whether it was envy or the result of long nursed self-pity, she wasn’t sure. Either way, she didn’t like it.

Am I really that petty?
The last thing Angie wanted was to become the kind of person who felt entitled to resent those who’d found a counterpart. To her, that sort of angst was even more insufferable than the gushing declarations of the blissfully happy. She took one more intentional look at the picture, forcing herself to smile until she was sure it was sincere.

June 19
,

Oh Canada

It’s been a memorable time so far. I ended up staying with Mark’s family longer than I meant to, but I wouldn’t trade my quality time with Sandra for anything. I was beginning to think I’d be heading straight back to stay with them again after I got stopped at the border. But, I guess when I didn’t turn out to have a criminal background, they decided I wasn’t trying to flee to Canada or something. They still gave me a hard time about my reasons for being in the country, but I don’t really have a great defense on that one. I know how it sounds.

I got to Niagara Falls around 1pm. It was just as incredible as advertised. I didn’t stay long, though. It was neat to be there and see it in person, but it made me sad for some reason. Looking back on it, I think it was because I didn’t have anyone to share it with. I guess even -I- need people sometimes. It’s not like I’ve ever thought I need someone to “complete me” or anything stupid like that. I’m fine with being alone. …I just don’t want it to always be this way.

I did get a little lost outside of Toronto. I don’t think they give as much warning for upcoming exits here as I’m used to. I could see the CN tower from a distance as I was going through (it’s hard to miss, what with it looking like a skewered UFO), but I didn’t want to risk losing my daylight to get a closer look. I don’t mind everything being in kilometers, but 100 kph sounds a lot more exciting than it actually is. Their speed limits here are pretty low, compared to U.S. highways. But everyone seems to make up for it by going 20 kph over the limit.

Danny is just as funny in person, but on the whole, a lot less talkative than he is online. And since he’s working tomorrow, I’ll have headed off to Ottawa before he gets back. Oh well. At least I got to meet him and put a face/mannerisms to the personality.

Tomorrow I’ll find out if Zak has the guts to meet me.