Not Alone: Trusting God to Help You Raise Godly Kids in a Spiritually Mismatched Home (12 page)

I remember once speaking to my oldest daughter from a place of doubt, expressing my wish that I’d done more to help her and her sister to know God better and to grow stronger in their faith. Part of that desire is like any mother’s—I would rather see my children acquire the knowledge I have without having to learn the lessons painfully (I’m sure you can relate!). I can’t help but wonder how much better they’d navigate the turbulent waters of the things they struggle with if I could pour what I know now into them at this stage in their young lives.

Unfortunately, that would keep my kids’ faith as more an extension of mine than their own. Every child, at some point, must make the shift from living their faith under the umbrella of Mom’s and claim and define it as theirs. And they too, like us, must learn what it means to have a growing relationship with God.

As I shared, I spoke to my daughter out of my doubts, but her response to me became part of my confidence in God’s faithfulness: she told me that by my living out my faith every day authentically and purposefully, I’d had the most impact on her life and faith choices. Her words reminded me that God takes what we have and completes, multiplies and expands upon our offering.

We don’t have to be perfect, but we do need to be intentional. Set the pattern of faith that you desire for your children—the relationship you long for them to have with their Creator—by living and pursuing it yourself. Remember too that God is partnering with you in this process, and trust that your children will walk into His plan for them in His timing. From this perspective we will witness our hopes and prayers for our children become the substance of God’s plans and revelations for their lives.

Inspire Your Kids to Greatness

I have the right to do anything, you say—but not everything
is beneficial. I have the right to do anything—but not
everything is constructive.

1 CORINTHIANS 10:23

My family and I moved from Memphis, Tennessee to Switzerland on the cusp of the Harry Potter craze. I was relieved in some ways to leave behind the constant barrage of debate over this book. I briefly thought I was free from dealing with the decision as to whether or not my kids would read these books—until my husband came home one day with a copy of the first volume,
The Philosopher’s Stone
(the British title).

I cautioned my husband with my concerns, and after our discussion I made the decision to compromise, because I realized then that I didn’t have to take a stance of defeat. Instead, I would prayerfully read the book with my oldest daughter, Rachel, and my husband so I could keep an eye on what this book shuttled into their hearts and minds. We read the book together and discovered a delightful story that we all enjoyed.

Even though my youngest daughter was too young to read it, the book gave me an open door to talk to my girls about the truth of evil in this world. What I feared would be the demise of my daughter’s belief in God became an opportunity to affirm it and to share the truth that Jesus living in us makes us stronger than anything of this world.

Inevitably, as mothers we will be faced with these kinds of decisions, whether they come into our homes through a well-meaning spouse or friend, from our children’s schools, or from the playmate next door. We cannot shield our kids from everything, but we can equip them to discern the truth and to discard the lies. And the sooner the better.

Ultimately, it comes back to our walk with God and to clothing ourselves in Scripture. We as mothers must be firmly grounded in the truth so we can speak from a place of understanding and authority into the lives of our children. There are times we can adapt and can guide our kids while respecting Dad, as I did with the Harry Potter books. And other times we will have to stand firm in our refusal of something, because to do otherwise would be irresponsible in regard to our children and detrimental to their future.

Media choices, books, computer games and even differing faiths—our goal as parents must always be to share views and perspectives with respect and unity. As difficult as this sounds (and it is difficult), your unbelieving spouse does have the right to share his views with your children just as you do.

One of my great challenges in being in a spiritually mismatched marriage has been to understand and accept the fact that as passionately as I believe God exists, my husband does not. Telling him that he’s wrong would only bring strife and discord to our family. But as I accept what he believes and trust God to be stronger than either one of us in directing the course of our children’s faith choices, many of our conflicts are made manageable.

We would like nothing better than to say to our unbelieving spouses, “Please keep your beliefs to yourself.” But out of respect we must extend the same consideration to Dad that we expect for ourselves. Christ didn’t judge people; He held to the truth and spoke it gently, except on those occasions when He knew a full-on confrontation was needed to oppose evil. Again, this is not easy, but it provides an opportunity for our spouse and our children to see Christ working in us.

Also, as Lynn mentioned in the previous chapter, one of our greatest challenges in walking this spiritually mismatched path is realizing that who we are and what we look like as a family will not be the same as many families we see at church. All families have similar challenges, but as wives of unbelieving husbands, our solutions will be different from those of others.

Sometimes this will bring criticism from well-intentioned fellow Christians. Remember, though, that they haven’t walked in your shoes. Help these people to understand your decisions, but remain true to what you know God is leading you to do. As you are faithful to God, He will be faithful to you and to your children.

Give Your Child a Voice

In this day and age, we are faced with some frightening threats to our children. Our society urges us as parents what to teach our children for their safety. Over and over we hear what is and isn’t appropriate for our kids when they are outside the home.

But what about what’s
in
the home, within our child’s daily world? My own childhood experience—my birth father’s unpredictable nature and mental illness—made me very aware of situations my daughters could potentially walk into. But along with my concern was a desire to help my girls understand how to listen to the built-in sensitivity that God gives us through His watchful presence.

In Matthew 18, Jesus uses a child as an example of a “little one”—someone who is humble and trusting in his or her faith: “See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven” (Matt. 18:10).

I believe that our children are watched over, especially in the years between innocence and accountability. As we read the records of Jesus’ time on earth, we witness Christ’s affinity for children, and children’s ability to recognize and love Jesus openly.

Even if your child hasn’t made an active decision for Jesus yet, this little nugget in Scripture gives us rich insight into the supernatural working around our children. As Lynn shared in chapter 2 about how our faith sanctifies our family like an umbrella of protection, God does not leave our children unprotected. And our faith and prayers are part of this.

At the church I attend, I have the privilege of leading a life group. One week one of our members brought her daughter along to a meeting out of necessity. This precious eight-year-old joined us in our prayer time and boldly added her prayers to ours.

As she prayed, I gained insight into three things. One, the child spoke freely, as if speaking to a dear friend or family member. Two, she wasn’t afraid to pray out loud, despite being surrounded by adults. Three, the Holy Spirit actually used her words to speak to an adult in our group about a particular area of difficulty and to give that person valuable insight.

But what struck me most was how this little girl prayed for her father, who is Muslim in faith. She spoke of her fears and concerns while affirming what she knew to be true of who she is in Jesus. She prayed openly about her discomfort in attending a mosque and her refusal to digest things her father told her that she knew to be untrue.

In other words, this little girl’s mother had taught her to listen to the Holy Spirit within her and had given her a voice to express the truth even given the reality of her father’s Muslim religion. I asked this amazing mom to share how she had done this:

Dineen:
Kristin, when did you first realize that your daughter needed a voice to express her fears and concerns?

Kristin:
I knew that there was going to be a huge spiritual battle with my husband and his belief. I prayed that God would touch our daughter’s heart at a young age and build her faith each day. Thankfully, my daughter and I attended church together for the first year after I was born again, when she was three years old. This experience was a very positive one that allowed our daughter to develop a love for her Creator. She accepted the Lord at the early age of six and was baptized when she was seven. I had my doubts about her accepting the Lord at such a young age, but God was clearly doing a work in her and was answering and confirming my prayer. She was very confident about her belief and knew what it meant to accept God into her heart.

Dineen:
Can you explain how you taught your daughter to express herself and still understand and respect her dad?

Kristin:
Our daughter grew in the knowledge of the Bible teachings from church and the studying we did at home. I saw her heart grow and learn about our Father’s love for us. It was during this time that our daughter felt the tension regarding the religious differences of her dad and I. The Lord was very careful in guiding me to pray with our daughter for our family and to respect her dad’s belief. She knew in her heart that God’s Word was true and living, and she knew the peace she had attending church and reading God’s Word. She could see that her dad did not have the same peace in his heart, and she naturally wanted to pray for him.

Dineen:
Kristin, I know this is an ongoing challenge, day to day even. How has God helped both you and your daughter navigate challenging situations?

Kristin:
Through these last five years, God has been able to bring me to a place where I know and can stand on His promises for our family. He is continuing to show me daily His grace and love for our family. Through all the ups and downs we have endured over the years, God is working on my husband as well, and I am learning that praying and staying out of God’s way regarding his salvation is key. My husband has very close Christian friends in his life now, and God continues to amaze me in the many ways the seeds are being planted in my husband’s heart.
   God’s way is not our way, and I am so grateful for that! God has spoken through our daughter to me on different occasions as well, confirming her knowledge of and her relationship with the Lord. Prayer is powerful! I continue to emphasize to our daughter that she needs to keep growing closer in relationship with her Lord and Savior. She cannot have that relationship through me—it needs to be on her own time with God, and He will strengthen her through that time. I think one of the key components of our daughter’s faith is seeing her mom living out her faith with her dad day to day. Especially praising and thanking God for all that He has done and continues to do in our hearts and lives!

Mom, knowing Kristin as I do, I can tell you that her heart’s desire is to honor and trust God. She seeks to do this on a daily basis, and she leaves the rest to Him.

As I was out walking one day, I was listening to the song “Father of Lights” by Jesus Culture. One line especially struck me with its truth: “Love has a voice. Love has a name. Jesus. Jesus.” The voice of our Shepherd is powerful and true. One of our greatest gifts to our children is to teach them to hear and to recognize Jesus’ voice of love.

Give Your Child a Reason

As I shared earlier, my daughter’s insight about wanting things more when we’re repeatedly told that we can’t have them gave me a better understanding of diplomacy. I use the word “diplomacy” intentionally, because I believe at times we are called to be diplomats in our own homes.

Honestly, this is a role I’ve hated for years. But God has faithfully equipped me to deal with confrontation without running to the hills in a panic. When our kids are little, it’s up to us to make crucial decisions for them, but as they get older, our role slowly shifts to one of guidance. This helps our children to begin making decisions on their own.

I’m sure at times that I’ve given my girls more information than they needed, but out of respect for who they are (and who God has created them to be), there were times when I did this because I felt they needed the full picture to understand what was at stake. If we simply tell a child no without explaining the benefits or the costs of a decision, we lose wonderful opportunities to teach them priceless life lessons and values. Biblical values.

For example, when my youngest daughter, Leslie, was about 10, she wanted a Barbie video camera that was pretty much out of our budget. But she was determined. It showed up on her birthday and Christmas wish lists, and every time we went to the store, she bolted for the toy section to gaze at the camera longingly. Let me tell you, “no” was a tough but necessary word to keep saying.

When I was a young child, money was slim to none. I didn’t ask my mother for much, because I knew we couldn’t afford anything extra. So here I stood in the same place financially, but now I was playing the role of mom in the story. I wanted my daughter to understand why we couldn’t buy the camera, but at the same time, I didn’t want to expose her to the realities of life. I realized that I would have to explain to her the truth. So I crouched down in front of her and simply told her that putting food on the table was a higher priority than that video camera.

She didn’t ask for it again after that. When she was older, my daughter told me she had never forgotten that day, because it had given her a true perspective of what really mattered.