Mr. Eternity (9 page)

“I’ve been telling everyone that I’m the one who killed Fernando de Magallanes,” says Daniel de Fo, “but the truth is that it was my friend Jorge Ramirez. And yet I have a feeling that I’ll forget. Someday I’ll truly believe myself guilty of that crime. Will it then be my sin to atone for?”

And yet now he does return to his story. He says that Diego Paez de Sotelo took to wearing Pedro Avila’s helmet after the latter was murdered. He wore it because he said the helmet was bewitched and he didn’t think God could see through it. Everyone was dead and they had only this helmet to protect them. Then one morning they left Diego Paez de Sotelo behind, which is why he was so angry later. It was an accident. They were distracted by calamity. The men had been taken by jaguars. They had been taken by snakes. They had been killed by Indians or dissolved into a stew by a demon plant that enticed them by making sweet sounds, like a woman. Everyone was dead and Daniel de Fo had no foot and they were taken captive and dragged through the forest and that’s when they came to El Dorado.

“But your foot,” said the alcalde, suddenly aggrieved. “How can I ignore this? It was Indian magic.”

“It was the will of God,” said Daniel de Fo. “It was the will of God that my foot should heal, that I should return here and tell you about El Dorado, that we should then mount a new expedition to take the city and bring the Pirahao to a knowledge of Him. For this reason God preserves me from death. Look around you. Here I am, and here is Maria, who will be our translator, because I know only a phrase or two of her language. And here you are, with the power to authorize the expedition.”

The alcalde nods once. The air hums. The sea is like a group of whores whispering over breakfast.

“Then tell me about the city.”

“It is the white city,” says Daniel de Fo. “It is the city of El Dorado. The houses are roofed with gold and the people crush pearls and snort them up their noses.”

Pearls said Old Dan such torments and all for pearls which have no value they are no good even for salting your bread. Why do you talk about pearls I said. He did not hear me. Also he said also anyway you cannot roof houses in gold it is too heavy did no one ever think of that.

He talked and talked he never stopped talking I didn’t know what he were talking about and neither did he. Meanwhile we was still floating in the water. We was floating many hours clung to a treetrunk in the cold water of Hampton Roads. But finally when I thought oh well I will just go to sleep drown die whatever who cares finally it were a fishing boat sliding over the sea to rescue us. It were four five maybe six fishermen aboard I don’t remember I was stupid from the water and tiredness. It didn’t have so many fish in the sea but they had caught squids and jellyfish. You could call them squidmen not fishermen you could also call them jellyfishermen. They was salting the squids down while we was aboard. I will never die said Old Dan to the fishermen. Okay they said. I will never die he said I don’t understand why God has selected me for eternal life it is vexing in the extreme maybe I am a prophet. Then he seen what the men were doing he could not stop himself he said squid is not good for salting. Later we tried some from their stores he were right if you have never ate salted squid don’t start.

Norfolk harbor were drowned though formerly said Old Dan it were a good port. Therefore we come up the Chesapeake to Baltimore. This is a great city said Old Dan pay attention you are truly seeing the world now. One of the squidmen said Baltimore were home to almost two hundred thousand persons a city of booze thieves whores malaria fried pork. They use to say you could of got robbed any time any day by any citizen of Baltimore even a grandma even a young kid. It were torchlight by the
harbor torchlight in the sailor’s district yet elsewhere upon the federal hill you could see a great moonglow of electronic light. We did not visit that part of the city for there was guards plus a wall to keep us poor people out.

I were very excited to see this city. They was recently having a war with Virginia but you couldn’t have known it there was so much prosperity. It had everything in the world for sale in Baltimore. It had teethbrushes hacksaws kneepads boots bicycles watches even a cell phone very expensive everything it had everything much more than in Boston. There was a water cleaner it run off sun panels plus there was sun creme they said you smeared it on your face it protected from sunburn. There was beautiful women everywhere and horses and cabcarts rushing past so much noise so much activity. Old Dan said maybe we can even find you a new Barbie doll. He knew I had lost my idol in the wreck.

We saw pigs too and these was like no pigs I ever saw at home those sleek black mean Boston pigs. These were Baltimore pigs fat pink sunburned with eyes like humans they could of used sun creme themselves. Were I telling you about pig toilets said Old Dan no that were someone else. I asked him were there any truth to the stories of men being changed into pigs by witches and if so how were it done. I were very worried looking into the eyes of these pigs for these pigs were men I knew it for a certainty. Yes said Old Dan I’m afraid many pigs perhaps two fifths are simply men transformed into pigs not proper pig pigs for I have seen this amazing transformation for myself. Wow I said how is it done. I don’t know he said but I have a friend called Quaco he could tell you.

Now I wanted to drink corn whiskey until the sadness of life were only a memory. Also I wanted to stick it to all the girls of Baltimore and forget my troubles for instance the shipwreck. Old Dan he said he were past all that he just wanted to find Anna Gloria and settle down at last. But Old Dan I said where is she do you know where she is. Oh he said she is in Florida I think however we will check all the cities of the drowned coast. He told me there is nothing for a man but true love even if it were half imaginary for love itself were a act of imagination. I said corn whiskey were something for a man would he join me. I were just saying so for
I had no money he had all the money he had kept his bag through the shipwreck. I were really asking would he buy me some corn whiskey which now he did offer to do. Without corn whiskey I did not feel I were all the way inside my own life.

We went into the Mermaid Lounge and I drank my whiskey and he drank water which cost more than whiskey. This is very good water he said. It were hot in there and it had some old electronics stuck to the walls. It even had a big television painted up with a picture to look high definition high fidelity Internet streamy media. I were sweating hard thinking wow television Internet all the trimmings what must it of been like. I wanted to ask Old Dan about television however he were inclined to speak of other things. He told me he had seen men whose faces did grow beneath their shoulders. Then he told me about the sunken continent of Lemuria where humans laid eggs. Then he told me about Potosí which were a city on the moon. Amazing things he told me before long I were drunk from corn whiskey and stories and dreams of old days when the world were different and every man a king of Potosí and Lemuria with his air condition sun panels ecksekera. He told me for example about blueberries. Had I ever had blueberries no I had not. Blueberries were the exclusive food of bears he said. Tell me about bears I said. Bears were great creatures he said there are still some left they are like dogs but they are big as horses with huge teeth. Uh oh I said. Never fear he said they live on blueberries exclusively their teeth is just ornamental. Now he were thoughtful he said I remember that blueberries were also the exclusive food of kings.

I stared at the television with all my longing banging around in my head. I were saying to myself it’s okay Jam it will all come back the television will turn on no problem you just have to want it hard enough. However it did not turn on.

Next I succumbed to sadness and corn whiskey and in the morning I were laid out in the mud. This is where Old Dan found me. I had not stuck it to any girls so far as I know. Let’s get you cleaned up he said. Fine I said. He had got gel sanitizer in a wax paper sleeve therefore I scraped the mud off I cleaned my face. I were very remorseful plus my head hurt but even
so I did not want to miss my chance I asked him could we go to a 24/7 whorehouse. He sighed he were exasperated check your pockets he said. I checked them there was money in them. What is it I said why does it have money in my pockets. You won it off a fellow at bawbles he said but now you don’t remember. I don’t remember no I said. You should not drink whiskey he said it will kill you. I said yes I had thought of this however for example I would not be able to feel the beautiful idea of Baltimore without whiskey for it were something wrong in my soul. There is nothing wrong in your soul he said. There is I said I am a man apart. Fine he said whatever you say but please stay focused remember you are my helper we are looking for Anna Gloria plus also the treasure of Anakitos. I am not such a good helper I said. True he said. But now suddenly I were worried. Please don’t cast me out as your helper I said I will die out here on my own. I won’t cast you out he said however what a joke the helper will die without the one he helps. It is like a joke I said which is also a universal truth. Haha he said very good smart boy. Thank you I said. We are a comic pair he said I am Dan Keyhote Knight of the Fretful Counterpane and you are my faithful squire Pancho. Yes I said. It is literature he said it is an illusion. Oh good I said.

It were raining now a clean clear rain it rinsed me clean I had money it were a gift from Jesus.

Old Dan went down to the water to look for a ship. I rushed off to the 24/7 whorehouse saying I would rejoin him in the afternoon. I were feeling better. I were excited to see more of the world. I had got an addiction now I’d seen a little part of it.

I now was bitten by many insects and soon took fever though it were the dry season. This were a new fever it did not have this fever in Boston. Then I could not remember were it the warm air caused fever or the insects. I thought it were the insects for I did feel a weakness when I were bitten so many times all over my hands neck face ankles lips knees feet armpits ears. I should of bought long pants but it were hot I could not bear it I just wore my shorts that was all. When I come out of the whorehouse having satisfied my desires I sat down upon the ground I were
shivering thus Old Dan found me. Fever he said aha did you know I was a physician once. Physician I said. I will tell you what to do he said I will buy you a cucumber to hold it will draw out the fever. He bought me a cucumber I held it I were better for a time. Next remedy said Old Dan are some antiflammatory pills careful they will knock you right out. He bought me two white pills which came in a plastic bag amazing perfectly clear almost new. It would have fetched me a good price on the salvage market in Boston. He said keep the bag it is yours.

Old Dan had got us passage on a yacht. It were bigger than the last the captain a more cautious man for it were not his yacht it belonged to a rich woman. He were sailing to Florida to pick up some passengers the family of his employer who knows what they were doing down there. The boat were almost empty now just a skeleton crew and he were glad to have some hands. Old Dan said don’t mistake me I am no hand I am old. The captain said grandfather it is a privilege to carry you for you have got wisdom. Then Old Dan he pointed to me he said here is my helper he will die if I don’t let him help me. I smiled my best smile it were the smile of a helpless helper. Pleased to meet you said the captain.

Again I took fever it came and went and came and went it were like exercise. Meanwhile the captain told us about Florida its history its present situation. It were a sovereign state he explained. First it had seceded then it were a civil war and it were forced back in the Union. Then it had seceded again then it were another civil war then it were in the Union once again. Thus life continued for these Floridians one civil war after another and they never tired of seceding. At last the Union it said let them go and now Florida were all on its own like the Republic of California our neighbor in the distant west. Why did it want to secede I said. I don’t know said the captain it were the carbon tax maybe but wow boyo did it go bad for them on their own. Floridians he said are not smart about laws government ecksekera they have got a problem with corrupt practice.

Old Dan were meditating he were talking to himself he said Florida she has got to be in Florida. What did you say I asked him. Anna Gloria
he said she is in Florida I know it I have been wrong many times but now I know she is in Florida this time I know it for certain. Don’t worry I said I’ll help you find her. Once I thought it were her in the Bahamas he said but it were just some lady. Uh oh I said. I will not make that mistake again he said I miss her so much it is 700 years of searching 700 years is pretty long.

I had never met anyone from Florida it were far away it were like the moon it were like Potosí or Lemuria. I had never met anyone from the Republic of California neither I had hardly met anyone at all. Anyway government states unions they were not important we did not live in an age of government instead we valued our liberty and independence. It were the government caused us to be poor after all for it gave all the riches to the rich people. I could understand why Florida had secede.

All of this gave me an idea and I asked the captain tell me sir could a person secede and not pay the carbon tax. A person he said can do anything he wants. This were what I wanted to hear. Therefore I seceded all by myself quietly without saying nothing about it. Right there in the boat I seceded and formed the Independent States of Jam. It were my way of saying the world couldn’t push me around no more just because I were poor and sad and addicted to corn whiskey.

Life was quiet for a time, a considerable period in truth, and I sailed through the rainie season in a kind of
Trance
, up with the dawn, a breakfast of plantane and buttered toasted cheese, perhaps a guava, a day of rambling about or more often reading such books as the
Life and Adventures of Robinson Crusoe
(said to have been wrote by Dr. Dan, though he said it was another Defoe), a feast in the great house, a bleary evening, ghastly shapes wobbling toward me in the mist, the hard hand of darkness, a kind of sleep, and up again in the cool of the morning. My sole labor was the totting up of ratt skins in a ledger, and thus the months totted away as well, & one day was so much like the next that I hardly noticed I was still alive. I was John Green, a bookkeeper, and happy to be so.