Medium in Paradise: A Humorous Paradise Romance (4 page)

“Calm down. He’s single.”

“How do you know that?” she asked.

“I do my research. I found you, didn’t I?”

“Unfortunately.”

“So before any date can happen I figure we need to arrange a way you can meet him. It would be weird if you told him you were getting the hook-up from the ghost of his dead fiancée.”

“Clearly,” she said, dryly.

“So, a little birdie told me the police department is launching a new health initiative for their entire police department and I figured you could apply for the fitness instructor opening. They won’t pay as much as you probably get at that swanky studio of yours, but still, it’s nothing to complain about.”

“How do you know about my studio?”

“I nosed through your stuff and saw some pics. Nice. Very nice.”

“Of course. Why’d I even ask? I’ll bet you even know where--,”

“The KY Jelly and condoms are? I do.” Her smile was wicked as a phantom halo appeared above her head. Embarrassed, she quickly glanced at her mother and Taavi, who to their own credit pretended not to hear. Dina just closed her eyes, praying for sanity.

Bright and early Monday morning, Dina was driving along to the Glynn County Police Department, on her way to initiate part one of Operation Date Barney Nichols.

She just couldn’t believe this. Couldn’t
believe
it! She’d somehow been talked—no,
manipulated
—into meeting with the strange, overweight ex-fiancé of a ghost.  Who’d’ve thought that she, the granddaughter of a famed local psychic, would be in this predicament? She couldn’t help but appreciate the irony.

The warm, salt tinged kiss of an early morning breeze blew in through the open car window, teasing out a few tendrils of the hair she’d tucked into a loose French braid. Majestic live oaks, their long, reaching branches dripping with Spanish moss, lined the road alongside pine and scraggly cedars, their pleasant scent mingling with the salty tang of the never distant ocean. The distinctive call of a snowy white egret drew her eyes to its elegant flight overhead, its large body moving gracefully through the air. Dina drew in a deep breath, trying to relax and enjoy the sights of the island she called home. She focused on the positive: she’d gotten a full night’s sleep and after that whole meet-the-ghost-thing on Saturday, she hadn’t had a sighting since.

How hard could this be? She’d go in, apply for this fitness instructor position, meet this Barney Nichols fellow, sabotage any chance she’d have at dating a man she didn’t want to date anyway and get rid of the ghost. Piece of cake.

How she’d even come to be in this situation to begin with, during a weekend that should’ve been the happiest of her life, was still boggling her mind. Her mother was right, all of this had happened because she was out of practice. Well, she’d set all of that straight after this whole ghost-haunting-her-house business was over. As soon as she was banished, she was going to brush up on some of the skills she’d learned in her youth. She might even learn a few new ones. Comforted by these thoughts, she smiled, turning her radio on and trying to figure out how she’d squeeze another class or two into her already full schedule.

“So, don’t forget what I told you,” a voice said close to her ear.

Dina screamed for the third time that weekend, nearly running into the back of a tiny, dark-haired girl on a Vespa. The girl gave her a nasty look, shooting her the bird before speeding off.

“That wasn’t very nice.” Sam appeared in the back seat, her long hair blowing in the breeze like a pennant as she stuck her head out the window.

“Stop doing that! Stop just
appearing
!” She nervously fingered the fine links of the moonstone butterfly necklace sitting comfortingly in the hollow of her throat.

“How else am I supposed to show up? It’s not like I can ring a bell or anything. Or
can
I?” She disappeared for a few seconds. Reappearing, she said, “Did you hear that?”

“Nooo.”

“I made a chiming sound three times.” She looked puzzled, then shrugged. “Huh, guess I can’t make audible sounds on this plane without appearing first.”

“Well, maybe try fading in gradually or something…Hell—I don’t know! What do you want anyway?”

“I just wanted to make sure everything went smoothly.”

“Everything will go just fine if you’d stop appearing out of nowhere.” She carefully pulled into the intersection when the light turned green, her nerves jangling with adrenaline. Then after a pause: “How is it that your hair is blowing in the wind when you’re a ghost?”

“Special effects.”

“Special
effects
?”

“Yup. In case you hadn’t already figured it out, I’m a unique spirit. Not quite like others.”

“That’s putting it mildly,” Dina grumbled. “I thought I’d be getting away from you for a while, but here you are again.”

“Just wanted to give you a few last minute pointers.”

“You’ve already given me plenty of pointers. Starting with: you need to date my fiancé, or else.”

“I thought I’d give you a little time to yourself to get over all that, but here we go again,” she said with a labored sigh.

“You might be fine with being bullied around by paranormal specters, but I’m not.” The sight of a spindly grey heron standing still and quiet as he fished for breakfast amongst the cattails, did nothing to calm her nerves as she drove across an overpass.

“I’m not bullying you, Dina. In my own way I’m trying to do the right thing,” she said, plucking at something Dina couldn’t see, her face tight and pensive.

“I’m sure you understand why I wish you’d done that on your watch instead of mine.”

“Me too.” Her voice was sad as she looked out the window, her fingers reaching for a weaving yellow and black butterfly that fluttered right through her fingers.

“Where’d you go on Sunday?” Dina asked, changing subjects.

“I was hanging out with Jimi Hendrix and Jelly Roll Morton. Jelly was trying to teach me how to play the piano and Jimi was tutoring me on the fine details of the electric guitar.”

“What was that like?” Dina breathed, staring at her in the rearview mirror.

“No, I’m bullshitting,” she admitted with a grin.

“I can’t take anything you say seriously.” Dina rolled her eyes, feeling foolish that she’d been taken in so easily.

“What’s a little joke between friends?”

“I’d hardly say we were
friends
.”

“We will be friends when you stop holding back. Many people have told me I’m great company. A good listener.”

“Were they all dead?”

“Very funny. Anyway, in answer to your question, I was in that in between place I go to when I need to regroup. Being on this plane takes a lot of energy. But that would’ve been cool, right? Hanging out with two famous dead dudes?”

Refusing to respond to anymore of her mindless chatter, they drove the remaining several minutes in silence, Sam the ghost humming an off-key tune that drove Dina nuts.

“So, just to recap--,” the ghost said, as she pulled into a parking space alongside a somber, partially bricked one story building. Two flags, one for the state of Georgia and another for the United States, fluttered in front of the building. She leaned forward, her arms running across the back of the driver’s seat. “Arnie loves brunettes, even though your hair runs a bit closer to copper, you’re gorgeous so that’s okay. But you should’ve worn your hair out. Do you always keep it up in that stale hairstyle?”

“It’s practical,” she said, defensively touching her braid.

“That’s the problem. Anyway, we’ll do something about that later.” Dina shifted uneasily, wondering what that meant. “He loves going out on his boat and fishing. That’s where you’ll find him during most of his free time. He has two cats: Buzz and Saw. They’re brothers. He loves them like they’re his own kids. He’s lactose intolerant but he loves ice cream. If you can, either keep him away from it or have plenty of Bean-o available for the unpleasant aftereffects.”

“Eww.”

“Exactly.”

“Do I really need to know all of this out the gate? When most people go on a blind date they don’t know this many personal details about the person they’re seeing.”

“They do if they go on one of those dating websites. I remember I was scrolling through profiles on this one site and this guy said he preferred girls who would suck his toes and go down on him. Needless to say, he never got a response from me.”

“Okaaaay.”

“One last thing, Arnie’s really good at board games and he’s very competitive, but fair. He’s brainy and clever--,”

“I know. You already told me this.” She tapped her fingers against the steering wheel impatiently.

“—and that’s why I fell in love with him,” she finished as though she hadn’t interrupted her. “So there, you have everything you need to get started.”

Then, just like that, she was gone.

“No—I have everything I need for the first year of a relationship,” she muttered to herself.

As she got out of the car and walked toward the double doors of the front entrance, a sudden gust of wind whipped around her head. Her braid blew loose, hair tumbling over her ears and forehead in a tangled heap. The flowing, knee-length skirt she’d painstakingly chosen for the morning’s interview blew straight up, obscuring her vision and making her trip over her own feet. Mortified, she furiously tried batting it down, but the damned thing remained stubbornly around her head. Feeling like a less sexy version of Marilyn Monroe in
The Seven Year Itch
, she finally managed to wrestle the blasted material back where it belonged. Catcalls, loud whistles and appreciative male chuckles from a gaggle of cops, proclaimed that they’d all witnessed the entire incident.

“
Damn
you, Sam!” she hissed. A faint giggle sounded off to her right.

Head held high, Dina marched the rest of the way to the double doors, face still burning with embarrassment. An austere, glassed-in reception area with glossy white tiled floors, low, white-tiled ceilings, glaring florescent strip-lighting, and a bored looking desk sergeant who was studiously reading a Lee Childs novel, faced the entrance.

As she stepped just inside the door, a few guys smirked at her, elbowing each other and snickering as she walked past. It felt just like freshman year in high school, walking through the middle of the cafeteria with her dress unknowingly bunched up above her waist, plump bottom exposed for all to see. Still humiliated by the memory, she forcibly reminded herself that she was no longer a fat teenager with low self-esteem and no friends, she was a successful businesswoman in her own right who was now a brand new homeowner.

“I’m here to see Chief Childress.” Dina stopped before the desk, looking up at the desk sergeant through the security glass. The sergeant, an older gentleman with pale, freckled skin and thinning brown hair, was seated on a stool, appearing none too interested in her presence or anyone else’s. Moving with the speed of a sloth, he placed the book face down on the desk and looked up, his eyes owlish through a thick pair of bifocals.

“How can I help you?” His eyes wandered slowly to her hair, his bushy grey-speckled eyebrows drooping in a confused frown.

“I’m here for an interview with Chief Childress,” she clarified, running a hand self-consciously over her tresses.

“Is he expecting you?” The sergeant’s big eyes ran over her hair again, his expression conveying doubt.

“Yes, he is.”

“Hold on one moment, please.” Picking up the phone, he dialed an extension, turned his back on her and spoke in a low voice. Nodding his head, he hung up the phone then turned back to her, “Last office on the left.”

“Thanks.”

Giving her another skeptical look, he pressed a button and a buzzing noise sounded, the door to his right opening to lead to the interior offices. Feeling inexplicably nervous, she walked through the door, shaking off the feeling of being summoned to the principal’s office. She darted into the first bathroom she saw, shoving the door open and slamming it behind her. Rushing over to the mirror she squeaked at the birds nest sitting atop her head like a bipolar tornado.

“Here--let me help you with that.” Sam the ghost appeared by her side, finger combing her hair.

“Didn’t I tell you to leave already!” she hissed. “I don’t need your help. Your
help
is why I’m in this situation to begin with.” Dina swatted at the ghosts hands—ineffectively, of course—trying to re-braid it without great success.

“You don’t have enough time for that.” Sam expertly fluffed her hair out, making it fall around her shoulders in thick, shining waves. “There, that’s perfect.”

“No thanks to you,” Dina grumbled, leaning close to the mirror and reluctantly admiring Sam’s handiwork.

“
All
thanks to me.” Sam leaned against the sink, looking around. “Hey, did you know you were in the men’s room? I mean, I’m liberal and all, but this seems to be a bit much.”

“What?” She finally looked around, the row of urinals on the wall behind her sitting pretty as can be. “Oh, my gosh,” she moaned in a low, horrified voice.

One of the stall doors opened and a stocky, raven-haired man barely gracing six feet tall, walked out. His skin had the faint red undertones of a Native American, his obsidian eyes cautious and wary as he looked around. With his narrow nose and high cheekbones, he was rather handsome in an offbeat kind of way. Dressed in plainclothes, he toted a gun on his hip, his thick, jet black hair brushing the collar of his shirt as he bent down over the sink.

“Came in the wrong bathroom. I’m—I’m just going to be leaving--,” Dina said, edging towards the door. Sam had vanished into thin air. Finally.

“You were talking to someone,” he said in a conversational tone as he pumped a dollop of soap onto his hands then ran the water full blast, vigorously soaping them under the gushing water. He pinned her with his coal black eyes and a totally unexpected tingle ran through her, strange too, considering she was standing inside of a men’s bathroom having a conversation with an unknown man. “Where is she?”

“I—I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m in here all alone. Isn’t one girl in the men’s bathroom enough?” she asked with a dry laugh, trying for offhand humor while trying to figure out how the hell to get out of this awkward conversation. Her fingers had somehow found their way back to the necklace, and she nervously massaged the butterfly as if it were some sort of talisman that could ward off evil.