Matt (The Cowboys) (37 page)

“That’s what makes it so wonderful. I felt like you wanted us here from the first. Now it’s your turn to tell me what you meant when you said your sentiments had undergone a change.”

Did he dare tell her the truth? Did he dare risk letting loose feelings that had been under tight restraint all his life? Most important, could he open himself up to hoping for things he knew he could never have?

He’d already lost that skirmish. Practically from the first day Ellen arrived at the ranch he’d been hoping to discover some way to get her to stay. Even though he knew she could only stay if she loved him—and she could never love him once she knew—he hadn’t stopped hoping that somehow things would work out.

But he couldn’t hold back. If he was ever going to have a chance at love, this was it. It would be terrible to fail to get what he’d never had, but it would be unbearable to think he might have won but lost because he didn’t have the courage to try.

“I meant I loved you,” he said, aware his voice sounded tentative, even breathy.

She remained silent; she didn’t move. She waited so long to respond, he became aware he was holding his breath. He let it out slowly, forced himself to breathe normally.

“When did you start to love me?” she asked finally.

He couldn’t tell if she was happy or unhappy. “I always liked you, even through that uproar about the Lowells. I know what it’s like when people jump to conclusions, but I guess I fell in love with you because everything about your being here seems right.”

Hell, she didn’t want to hear that. She wanted to be told about her eyes, her nose, how her hair reminded him of corn silk. Why hadn’t he paid attention when Isabelle tried to teach the boys how to talk to women?

Taking care of the kids was as important to you as it was to me,” he said, desperate to find some reason that wouldn’t make her angry. “You even, learned to like Toby, despite his not wanting you here.”

This didn’t sound romantic. What did you say to a woman that would make her love you no matter what you’d done in the past? She wasn’t responding. She wasn’t even saying he was doing everything wrong. He searched his mind for something Isabelle would have wanted to hear.

“I like having you here,” he said. “You fit, like you’ve always been here. I find it hard to remember what it was like before you came. I like seeing you across the table when we eat. I like it when you kiss Tess or give Noah a hug. I like sleeping in this bed with you, especially when you let me kiss your forehead or put my arm around you. I don’t feel so alone then.”

She still hadn’t said anything. Fool! Couldn’t he think of anything to say that would make a woman want to love him? He’d watched Jake, Ward, and Buck for years. Even Chet and Sean had learned how to talk to their wives without sounding like tongue-tied cow-pokes. But he hadn’t listened. He’d been certain it would never apply to him.

“I don’t feel strong.” He was babbling now, saying the first thing that came to his mind. “I won’t back down from Wilbur—not when it’s to protect the boys—but it’s been much easier since you’ve been standing with me.”

Silence. She hadn’t moved. It was almost as though she’d gotten so disgusted she’d simply disappeared. He didn’t know what else to say. All his life he’d watched women but not talked to them. Not like this.

Then he heard her sniff. She was crying. Great. He’d made her so unhappy, she would pack her bags tomorrow, take the kids, and head back to Bandera. He reached over and took her hand in his. When she squeezed it back, he found the courage to speak.

“I don’t know how to talk to a woman. I didn’t think anybody could ever love me. When you said you did, I didn’t know what to say.”

She pulled his hand to her lips and kissed it. “What you said was just fine.”

“But you’re crying.”

“With happiness.”

Isabelle said women did that, but he never understood it. It made him worry they were trying to hide something they didn’t want him to know. He reached up to touch her cheeks. They were wet with tears. He panicked. “Are you sure you’re happy?”

“Blissfully.”

He felt like he’d been tossed twenty feet by a wild bronco. He was so dizzy, his brain wouldn’t work. “Do you think you’re happy enough to stay here on the ranch?”

“Just try and run me off.”

He hoped she meant she wouldn’t go if he did, but he wasn’t trusting his understanding anymore. “Does that mean you’ll operate your hat-making business from here?”

“If I can find the time.”

More panic. If she couldn’t find the time, she wouldn’t want to stay. “The boys and I can do more. I know having Hank here will mean more work, but it’ll also mean another pair of hands to help. We can handle the garden. You won’t have to do a thing. You can—”

“You don’t understand, do you?”

He felt like an idiot. This was his only chance, and he was messing it up without even knowing how he was messing it up. “What don’t I understand?”

“I want to do the housework. I want to help Tess with the cow and Noah with the chickens. If you try to keep me out of that garden,
my
garden, you’re going to have a fight on your hands.”

Matt couldn’t believe it. If he was interpreting what she was saying correctly, he hadn’t messed up at all.

“I don’t want you to do everything for me,” Ellen said. “You just said it was nicer to stand up to everyone when I stood with you. Well, the same goes for me.”

“You really want to stay here?”

“Yes.”

“You won’t mind if they let me adopt Hank?”

“I’ll be delighted if they let
us
adopt Hank.”

“But you’ll want to keep making hats?”

“If I have time. But there will be the children to look after and babies to take care of.”

“Babies?”

“Yes, babies. Our babies. You do want children, don’t you?”

No man could ask for greater proof of a woman’s love. She hoped to have his children. It was like saying she loved him so much, thought he was so wonderful, she wished to surround herself with more of him. “Yes, I do want children.”

She reached over and blew out the lamp. “Then why don’t we do something about it?”

Chapter Twenty-two

Ellen couldn’t believe she had practically asked Matt to make love to her. It was ironic, considering how she would have acted if he’d so much as touched her a few weeks earlier. Considering how she felt now, she didn’t know how she’d managed to sleep in the same bed with him all this time and keep her distance.

“Are you sure?” he asked.

It was sweet but rather frustrating that he needed to be assured she wanted him to act like a husband. “Very sure.”

At least she thought she was. She’d never made love to a man. April said it wasn’t anything special. Tulip said it was dreadful if it wasn’t with the right man, but Tulip had never found the right man. Ellen’s cousin had said it was a bother, but you had to put up with it. Maybe Mrs. Lowell thought it was nice. She’d certainly kicked up a fuss when she thought her husband had begun to look elsewhere.

No matter the truth of it, Ellen had committed herself. She couldn’t turn back. But she didn’t want to turn back. She loved Matt. She couldn’t think of anything more wonderful than giving herself to him completely.

“I’ve never made love to a woman before.”

Ellen couldn’t believe her ears. “But you’re thirty years old.”

“I couldn’t stand to be touched. It made me think of my uncle. It made me feel sick or so angry I wanted to hurt somebody. Why else do you think I could agree to share my bed with a beautiful woman like you and not touch you?”

“But you have touched and kissed me. You’re touching me now.”

“That’s when I knew I loved you.”

It was a little unnerving to realize Matt didn’t know any more about making love than she did, but it was wonderful to know that she was the first woman he wanted to touch. After a lifetime of being pushed willy-nilly by people and circumstances, it was empowering to know she alone could bring this man into the full realization of his physical nature.

“It can’t be so hard,” Ellen said. “Even teenagers figure it out.”

“Maybe I should wake Toby and ask him.”

Ellen giggled. “Don’t you dare. Do you think…”

“I hope not.”

Matt moved his fingers over her face, touching it, brushing it with his fingertips, as though trying to memorize it the way a blind man might. He caressed her lips, feathered her jaw, brushed her eyebrows, and skimmed along the curve of her nose. “You’re beautiful.”

“You can barely see me in the dark.”

“You feel beautiful.”

She didn’t think that was possible, but she didn’t intend to argue with him. She pulled his other hand down to her bosom. She didn’t understand how it had repulsed her so when Eddie Lowell put his hands on her or one of the men in the saloon touched her. When Matt touched her, it was wonderful and exciting.

She liked the idea of sharing something with him no other woman could ever share. She might not be the only woman he would make love to in his life—she didn’t want to think about that—but she would always be his first. And he would be her first.

He continued to run his fingers over her skin, along the side of her neck, across her shoulders, down her arm, back up across her breasts. Her body shivered with excitement. Chills chased each other across her skin. Her muscles went all tight and achy. It was an odd feeling, but delicious. Her breasts became more sensitive to the feel of the fabric across her nipples, to Matt’s hand between them.

Matt leaned over and kissed her on the forehead. She took his face in her hands and pulled him down until their lips met. Like two butterflies, their lips brushed softly against each other, then pulled back, hovering. Ellen ran her tongue over her lips, certain they had been changed forever.

Matt again lowered his lips and took her mouth in a gentle, lingering kiss. Once again they pulled back, tasting, savoring, yet eager for more.

Another kiss, this more like exploration—tasting, nibbling—their tongues reaching out for more. Ellen was certain she could never get enough of Matt’s firm, sensual mouth. She had waited so long, admired him so much, she’d built up a hunger that couldn’t be satisfied quickly. She wanted to spend hours and hours exploring.

But Matt had other ideas. Without warning, he withdrew his hand from her grasp, pulled her into a crushing embrace, and kissed her with the hunger of a man who’d been allowed to see the prize but not seek it for himself. There was nothing gentle or self-effacing about him now. She felt like he wanted to devour her. He crushed his mouth against hers with such force, she was certain her lips would be bruised. He held her body so tightly, it threatened to crack her ribs. She knew he was strong. She hadn’t known how strong.

But while her brain took time to adjust to what was happening, her body knew immediately. It magnified every sensation until she thought she might explode. How was it possible to feel so much from a single embrace?

Matt released her abruptly and fell back on the bed, his breath coming in quick gasps. Ellen felt cast aside, as though Matt had sucked all there was out of the experience and was ready to turn over and go to sleep. She wasn’t. She felt acutely alive, her entire body clamoring for more—of what she wasn’t quite sure—but she was sure there was more.

“I never knew something as simple as a kiss could leave me feeling like I’d just ridden five wild broncs,” Matt said. “I don’t know if I’m strong enough for you.”

Ellen reached over and felt Matt’s chest through his nightshirt. Heavy muscles moved easily under his warm skin as his chest rose and fell with his breath. Her hand slid up to his shoulder and down his arm. There was more than enough strength there to handle a dozen wild horses.

“Tulip has been begging me to tell her what goes on between us,” Ellen said. “You’re not going to force me to tell her I’m too much woman for you, are you?”

Matt erupted from the bed with the speed of a scalded cat. Before she could breathe, she found herself pinned to the mattress by his body, his face inches above her own.

“What have you told that woman about us?”

“Nothing.”

“Because there’s been nothing to tell?”

“Matt, you know I wouldn’t—”

“That won’t be true much longer.”

He wrapped her body in another steel-like embrace and kissed her hard on the mouth. But as much as she liked his kisses, Ellen had difficulty concentrating. She was powerfully aware of the feel of his body as it pressed tightly against her own—from chest to thigh.

And the fact that his groin was swollen and pressed hard against her abdomen.

Ellen wasn’t naive. She’d seen many men in an excited condition. She knew what it meant. But except for Eddie Lowell, it had never meant anything to her. Now it did.

Matt’s wasn’t the only body responding to their closeness. Her breasts had become so tender, her nipples felt like two points where all her nerve endings came together. Her entire body trembled. She felt hot and cold at the same time. She felt assaulted and so taut she was ready to jump out of her skin.