Matt (The Cowboys) (18 page)

“Dear me, I hope you don’t intend to ride him,” she said to Tess.

“I don’t like horses,” Tess said, “but I like cows.”

“Cows are for girls,” Noah said.

“Tell me that after you’ve dropped your rope around the horns of a fifteen-hundred-pound steer who wants to go in the opposite direction you want him to go,” Matt said.

“I’m sure Mrs. Ogden doesn’t want to listen to you two dispute the merits of cows and horses,” Ellen said, getting to her feet. “Please come see us,” she said to Mrs. Ogden, “sometime when Noah won’t talk your ear off about his horse.”

“I don’t get out much, dearie,” Mrs. Ogden said. “Not as young as I used to be.”

“Tell Mrs. Ogden good-bye and climb into the buggy, kids,” Matt said. “It’s time to head home.”

Much to. Ellen’s surprise, that was exactly how she felt. They were going home.

Chapter Ten

Ellen felt worn out. It had been a long day, made more difficult by knowing her feelings for Matt and her marriage had changed. She was looking forward to putting the children to bed and having a little time to herself. She needed to think.

“As soon as I get my horse, I’m going to ride over to see Kevin and Flint,” Noah said. He only stopped talking about Sean’s sons to talk about his horse.

“Can I go see Eden and Elise?” Tess asked. “I like Nita, too, but I like Eden and Elise better.”

That wasn’t hard to understand. She’d been completely enthralled by the attention the older girls had showered on her.

“We’ll visit all your cousins soon,” Matt said, “but now it’s time to go to bed.”

“Do Toby and Orin have to go to bed?” Noah asked.

“Not yet.”

“Why?”

“Because they’re older. You can stay up later when you’re older,” Matt said, forestalling the question on Noah’s lips. “I need to get something from the barn,” he whispered to Ellen. “I’ll be back in a minute.”

“Don’t take too long. You know Tess won’t go to sleep until she gets her story.”

He was up to something. Matt was the most controlled human she’d ever met, but he’d smiled more since coming back from Bandera than he had the whole time they’d been married. The word married hit her like a blow. Before their union had been merely a contrivance, a trick, a way to get what she wanted. Now it meant something entirely different to her.

“If you boys mean to stay in the kitchen, keep the noise down,” she said to Toby and Orin.

“Don’t worry. I don’t want the brats bothering me,” Toby said. “Besides, we’re just talking about girls.”

“Your preoccupation with girls nearly caused trouble today. Maybe you ought to try thinking less about them.”

“She was looking at me as much as I was looking at her,” Toby said.

Ellen couldn’t argue that. Mrs. Jackson should pay attention to her daughter first and worry about Toby later.

“Anyhow, she’s not the only girl who’s got eyes for me.”

“Nor are hers the only parents who’re on the lookout for you,” Ellen replied. “Think about the trouble you cause Matt.”

“I don’t see that it concerns you,” Toby said.

“Anything that concerns this family concerns me.”

“Then you ought to be concerned about Ermajean McCutchen. Orin’s scared she’s going to snatch him.”

“She followed us around all day,” Orin said.

“The judge will soon come for his visit,” Ellen said. “After that, you’ll be safe.”

“Good. I’m tired of him jawing about that woman all the time.”

Try as she might, Ellen couldn’t like Toby. He reminded her too much of Eddie Lowell. And while Toby’s wasn’t the same kind of selfishness that made Eddie think she’d welcome his advances, it was too close for her comfort.

“Mrs. McCutchen won’t get her hands on you again,” she said to Orin. “Even if Matt weren’t here, I wouldn’t let her.”

“What could you do?” Toby asked, a scornful look on his face.

“I’m not sure, but if I needed help, I’d ask Jake and Isabelle. Now I have to put the children to bed. I’ll see you both in the morning.”

The children were already in their nightclothes when she entered their bedroom.

“Where’s Matt?” Tess asked.

“He’ll be in shortly.” Ellen had both children washed and tucked into bed before Matt returned.

“Close your eyes,” he said to Tess. “I have a surprise for you.”

“What?” Tess asked, her eyes wide open.

“Noah’s getting a horse, so I thought you ought to have something, too.”

“I don’t want a horse,” Tess said.

“It’s not a horse. Now close your eyes.”

“Is it a cow?” Tess asked.

“Close your eyes and you’ll soon find out.”

Tess obediently closed her eyes, and Matt placed a gray and white kitten on the bed.

Tess’s eyes flew open and grew wide with wonder when she saw the kitten, who looked just as surprised as Tess.

“Now you won’t be lonely at night,” Matt said.

“Can I pet it?” she asked.

“You can pet it, feed it, cuddle it, and let it sleep in the bed next to you. But you have to promise me one thing.”

“What?” Tess asked as she held out a tentative finger to the kitten.

“Whenever the kitten gets scared, you’ve got to tell it a story.”

“Cats don’t like stories,” Noah said.

“Kittens do,” Matt assured Tess. “Go ahead, you can pet her.”

Tess stroked the kitten with one extended finger. The kitten appeared to like it and crawled closer for more.

“She likes me,” Tess said, excitement making her eyes dance.

“Of course she likes you,” Matt said. “You’re going to be great friends.”

Ellen thought she was going to embarrass herself by crying. It was so sweet of Matt to give Tess a kitten. She didn’t know another man who would have realized a frightened little girl would love to have a kitten for whom she could be brave.

“What’s her name?” Tess asked.

“She doesn’t have a name. You’ll have to give her one.”

“Will you help me, Ellen?” she asked.

“Sure, but we’ll have to wait until tomorrow. Now thank Matt and get back under the covers.”

Tess gingerly picked up the kitten and placed it on the edge of the bed. Then she stood up and threw her arms around Matt. Once again Ellen saw Matt’s look of uneasiness, the way he stiffened.

“Thank you for my kitty,” Tess said. “I’m going to sleep with her every night and tell her stories. You and Ellen got to listen.”

“Sure.”

So the two of them sat on the foot of the bed while Tess uttered exactly seven sentences. “That was a lovely story,” Ellen said as she bent over to kiss Tess good night. “Now give Matt a kiss and let me tuck you in.”

She said that before thinking of Matt’s discomfort with physical affection. Tess held up her arms to Matt. He hesitated a moment before bending over so Tess could kiss him. Instead she put her arms around his neck and hugged him.

“Thank you for my kitty,” she said, then kissed Matt about half a dozen times. Ellen could see Matt struggle not to pull away.

“I don’t want to kiss anybody,” Noah said.

“I mean to kiss you,” Ellen said, tickling him when he tried to hide under his blanket. She gave him a very loud kiss on the cheek.

“Ugh!” Noah said and made a show of rubbing it off.

“Be nice, or I’ll ask Matt to kiss you, too.”

Noah looked horrified. “Men don’t kiss each other.”

“Maybe not, but sometimes they kiss little boys good night.”

Noah dived under the covers.

“You can come out,” Matt said, wiggling Noah’s foot through the bedclothes. “I won’t kiss you.”

Noah peeped out. “You’re not going to forget about my horse, are you?”

“No. Now go to sleep.”

“I’ll send the boys to bed,” Matt said when they stepped into the hallway.

“Why did Tess’s kissing you make you so uncomfortable?” Ellen asked.

“I’m not used to kissing and hugging. Will is the toucher, not me.”

“Why?”

“No good reason.”

“You’re not going to tell me, are you?”

“It wouldn’t make any difference.”

“Maybe not, but I wouldn’t feel so much like you’re pushing me away. I know we agreed this would be a business arrangement, but I’m confused about what you really want. Sometimes, especially when you talk to the children, I feel like you want this to be a real family. You do so many thoughtful things, it’s like you believe Tess and Noah are your children. At other times you draw a ring around yourself so we can’t come too close. That’s how I think you feel about me, especially.”

“You said you wanted a purely business agreement.”

“I know I’m not explaining it well, but I sensed something today I haven’t felt before. Maybe it was just your family, but I thought it came from you, too.”

“What was it?” He wasn’t backing away from her, nor was he looking uncomfortable. His interest seemed sincere, his concentration total, as if what she was saying, what she was feeling, were important to him. For the moment, at least, the barriers were down.

“I felt like I was part of your family. I’ve never had that feeling before, and I didn’t know how wonderful it would be. I felt like I’d been accepted, that everybody in that room would have protected me and the kids regardless of the danger.”

“They would.”

“Why?”

“You’re part of the family. Isabelle says being family has little to do with blood. It has to do with wanting to be together.”

“I like that. I like it so much, I don’t ever want it to stop.”

“It won’t.”

“Not even if I move to San Antonio?” She had meant to say when.

Matt hesitated. “If the family believes you really want to be a part of us, that won’t make any difference. Luke, Hawk, and Zeke have been gone for years, but Isabelle still worries about them. Now I’d better send the boys up to bed. I don’t want them falling out of their saddles tomorrow.”

Ellen didn’t mistake her new feelings for love. Matt was as attractive as always, but she was too fearful of all men to feel safe giving herself to any man, even a man like Matt. Men had lusted after her all her life, had grabbed at her, attempted to take what she wouldn’t give. She couldn’t feel safe unless she could keep her distance. It wasn’t physical closeness she needed but closeness of the spirit. That was what Matt’s family had offered, and she welcomed it.

But she wanted Matt to want to be close to her, to touch her hand now and then. Casual touch was an important part of any relationship, even friendship. It cemented the bond between people, made them feel they were important to each other. All she had to do was watch Tess to see that. But she had seen Matt’s reaction to Tess’s hugs and kisses. If he reacted so strongly to a child’s touch, what would he do if she touched him?

Probably move to the loft with Orin and Toby.

She knew he didn’t dislike women. She remembered the look in his eyes the first time he’d come to the saloon. It was a look she’d seen too often to misunderstand, yet there was a difference. He allowed himself to look, to want, but never to touch. She didn’t understand Matt, but she wanted to. The more she learned about him, the more she liked him. The more she liked him, the more she wanted to know about him.

The more she wanted him to like her. She wanted him to smile when he saw her, to seek her company, to share a confidence. She wanted to feel connected to him. Despite being an adult, she felt lost. Maybe that was why she’d been so quick to want to think she had been welcomed by the Maxwells.

Ellen finished getting ready for bed and crawled between the covers. She was completely confused. She wanted to belong, to feel safe and protected, yet closeness frightened her. She wanted to feel close to Matt, yet she didn’t want him to get close. She wanted to be loved—that was a huge admission—but she didn’t trust love.

Ellen rested her head on the pillow, but she didn’t feel sleepy. She was sure of only one thing: She wanted the very best home for Noah and Tess, and a proper home included a father. Matt was the only candidate she had.

Matt tried to run away, but he couldn’t move his limbs. They felt weighed down, immobile. Though he knew no one would hear him, he tried to cry out. No sound came from his throat. When he felt his uncle’s hand on his body, he tried to push him away, but he couldn’t move. He was helpless to stop what he knew would happen.

Then he felt the knife in his hand. He didn’t know where it came from. Like the answer to a prayer, it was just there. He was no longer helpless. But he didn’t want to use the weapon. No one would ever love him. They would always be afraid. He would be condemned to a life of loneliness.

But he had to stop his uncle. He couldn’t let him hurt Will. He knew what he had to do. When it was over, he would pretend to be like everybody else. They didn’t have to know.

He gripped the knife with all his strength.