Mascot Madness! (12 page)

‘Look at that kid go!' enthused Flip. ‘He's faster than a stocking full of rabbits!'

‘I think he might be a bit freaked out by that stupid dog,' said Gretel.

‘I'll go get him,' said Jenny.

‘Good idea,' said Jack. ‘We need him. The day has only just started.'

And what a start it was!

In the first half-hour alone, Newton won both the one-hundred- and two-hundred-metre races, Gretel easily won the shot-put event for her age group, and David took out the long jump with ease.

They even managed to stand on the winners' podium without falling off, although Newton was swaying rather violently towards the end of the Northwest Southeast Central anthem, which consisted of Principal Greenbeard playing, ‘The
Good Ship Northwest Southeast Central' on his hornpipe. (It was basically the same tune as ‘The Good Ship Lollipop' except that we substituted the words ‘Northwest Southeast Central School' for the word ‘lollipop'. Yeah, I know—it doesn't rhyme any better than Northwest West Academy's anthem does, but it's ours and we love it.)

Only 5B students, of course, had been on the Brainfright Program for Sporting Excellence, but our early wins—as well as Mr Brainfright's tireless mascotting—seemed to energise the rest of the school, and similar successes started piling up across all age groups and events.

Even the first grade won its sack race, and if its current form continued, the egg-and-spoon race later in the day was already in the bag.

Poor Chomp was beside himself.

The more we won, the more crazy he became, growling and slavering and biting at his leash. In fact, at one point he bit right through it and charged straight at Jack.

Jack, who was helping out at the pole-vaulting event, managed to use one of the poles to pole vault himself to safety, hanging onto the crossbar at the top while Mr Constrictor, reluctantly, brought Chomp back under control.

This, of course, only made Chomp madder than ever.

Meanwhile, Flip Johnson was so excited by the day's events that he was having trouble finding words to describe what was happening.

‘I've never seen anything like it!' he marvelled. ‘In the entire fifty years of this event, I've never known Northwest Southeast Central to get off to such an amazing start . . . or to have such an impressive mascot! They are certainly giving it everything they've got, and I have a feeling they've only just started. The strongest performers for Northwest Southeast Central so far have been Newton Hooton, who was faster than a bag full of rattlesnakes in the hundred-metre sprint. In shot-put, Gretel Armstrong proved she was stronger than a birthday cake with pink icing, and at the long-jump pit, David Worthy jumped longer than a rickshaw in a wind tunnel!'

‘A rickshaw in a wind tunnel?' said Jack, who had joined us back in the grandstand. ‘Can anybody tell me what on earth he is talking about?'

I shrugged. ‘I don't know,' I said. ‘But give the guy a break—he's been doing this for fifty years now!'

‘Well he's making about as much sense as a grandmother in a phone booth!' said Jack.

1. Faster than a stocking full of rabbits.

2. More off course than a lemming in a shopping mall.

3. Stronger than a birthday cake with pink icing.

4. Louder than a washing machine full of gravel.

5. Higher than a hairdresser on stilts.

6. Hungrier than a barrel full of water buffalo.

7. More determined than a dolphin eating doughnuts.

8. Slower than a bathplug driving a stolen sports car.

9. More sizzle than a sausage in a solarium.

10. More excited than a lawn mower at a rock concert.

Meanwhile, Mr Brainfright was jumping, clapping, punching, high-kicking, twisting, turning and somersaulting in an apparently inexhaustible blur of inspired cheerleading. He was still completely mad, but in this context his madness made a kind of mad sense.

Our school loved it. The whole of the Northwest Southeast Central stand was imitating his every move—even the teachers.

Flip Johnson was beside himself with excitement.

‘And now, we come to the final of the javelin toss,' he announced. ‘Troy Gurgling and Gretel Armstrong are locked in a titanic battle for first place! In the past few years this event has been dominated by Troy Gurgling, but given the form that Gretel Armstrong demonstrated earlier with her shot-put, and her amazing showing in the
javelin so far, I think there's a good chance we will see that record broken here this morning.'

Flip's comments resulted in a fresh roar of derision—and a fresh round of plastic- and cardboard-cup throwing—from the Northwest West Academy stand.

But it was down on the field that the real drama was shaping up.

Troy was standing at the line.

Grant was sitting in the stand with us, holding an enormous plastic ear to the side of his head.

‘What's that?' said Jenny.

‘It's a Super-ear!' said Grant. ‘My dad invented it. You can hear what people are saying no matter how far away they are!'

‘Wow,' said Jenny. ‘That is
so
cool, Grant!'

‘What are they saying?' I asked him.

‘Well,' said Grant, concentrating, ‘Troy just said, “Look and learn, Armstrong!” And Gretel said, “What, learn how not to do it?” And Troy said, “You think you're so funny!” And Mr Constrictor said, “Come on, Troy, show them what you've got!”'

It was clear from the action on the field that this was one of Grant's dad's inventions that really did work the way it was supposed to.

We could see Troy pawing the ground with his foot like a bull getting ready to charge . . . and then he ran, holding the javelin high above his head.

Flip was beside himself. ‘Gurgling throws . . . Oh dear! A terrible throw! The pressure is obviously too much for Troy this morning. That javelin has gone more off course than a lemming in a shopping mall! Let's see if Armstrong can hold her nerve and give it her best.'

Gretel walked back to the line, her face a picture of steely resolve.

The Northwest West Academy stand erupted with jeers and boos.

Mr Brainfright countered this by starting up a javelin-tossing routine and cheer.

When it comes to throwing metal,
Nobody can beat Gretel!
She can throw high.
She can throw long.
Give me a cheer
for Gretel Armstrong!

We cheered so loudly we completely drowned out Northwest West Academy.

Gretel looked up at our stand and smiled.

Then she ran and threw.

We all watched, open-mouthed and silent, as the javelin flew longer and higher than any of us had ever seen a javelin fly before.

Flip broke the silence. ‘It's the most amazing throw I've ever seen . . . It just keeps going
and going . . . In fact, it's coming towards the commentating booth! Folks, I can see the tip of that javelin, it's shining like a missile, and it's heading straight for . . . oh no . . . I don't believe it . . . it's heading straight . . . for . . . ME!!!'

The javelin smashed through the window of Flip's booth, no small feat given that he was on the first level of the stadium.

Through the loudspeaker came the sound of shattering glass.

We were horrified.

Nobody said a word.

Not even the Northwest West Academy students.

Gretel was standing on the field with her hands over her mouth.

‘Do you think Flip is . . . ?' asked Jack, unable to bring himself to say it.

‘Oh no! Oh no!' Jenny was wringing her hands.

‘What a way to go!' said Jack.

‘WHAT A THROW!' shouted a voice through the PA. It was Flip, as alive—and as enthusiastic—as ever! He was leaning out of his booth with the microphone in one hand and the javelin in the other. ‘LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, Gretel Armstrong has just hurled her javelin—and herself—into Northwest athletic history!'

Mr Brainfright ran over to Gretel and bent down so she could climb onto his back for a victory lap of the stadium.

Troy and Mr Constrictor stood dumbfounded on the field, trying to understand what had just happened. Most unusual of all, even Chomp had stopped barking and growling.

Mr Constrictor didn't stand around for long, though. He marched over to the judges' table and began waving his arms, shouting and pointing repeatedly at Mr Brainfright.

‘What's he saying, Grant?' I said.

‘He wants a re-throw,' said Grant, using his Super-ear to track their conversation.

‘On what grounds?'

‘On the grounds that Troy was distracted by Mr Brainfright's banana-mascotting.'

The judges, however, appeared to have other ideas. They were shaking their heads.

Mr Constrictor began pounding the table and threatening them.

He did this so loudly that we could hear him without any help from Grant's Super-ear. He appeared to be appealing the throw on the grounds that if they didn't give Troy a re-throw then he would squeeze them in a variety of unpleasant ways until they popped.

1. I'm going to squeeze your head like a pimple until it pops.

2. I'm going to squeeze your head like a blister until it pops.

3. I'm going to squeeze your head like a boil until it pops.

4. I'm going to squeeze your head like a balloon until it pops.

5. I'm going to squeeze your head like a marshmallow until it pops.

6. I'm going to squeeze your head like a bubble-wrap bubble in a sheet of bubble wrap until it pops.

7. I'm going to squeeze your head like an empty plastic bag until it pops.

8. I'm going to squeeze your head like a tube of toothpaste until it pops.

9. I'm going to squeeze your head like a grapefruit until it pops.

10. I'm going to squeeze your head like an egg until it pops.