Make My Heart Beat (11 page)

When is this morning sickness going to stop? Ugh! I am so tired of having to run directly to the bathroom as soon as I open my eyes in the morning. At least it's just in the morning or when I smell coffee and bacon. Carmen said she was sick constantly with her last pregnancy.

After my stomach expels every last drop, I lay my head down to rest on the cool seat of the toilet. I need my washcloth. I reach blindly for it, and Sly hands it to me from where he's sitting behind me. Wait a minute. Sly isn’t here. I lean back to sit on my heels and look straight into piercing emerald pools. Connor. He’s here, and he’s looking at me with the most concern and pain-filled expression I have seen.

“Baby, please tell me what I can do to make you better? Do you need to go to the hospital?” he asks, bringing his hand up to cup my cheek.

I open and close my mouth, unable to form words. My throat hurts from throwing up, but that isn’t what is preventing me from speaking to him. I should have expected him to show up after he woke up this morning to find me gone, but I would have thought he would be angry, not concerned and trying to take care of me.

Connor leans in closer, bringing his other hand up to hold my face in both of his hands. “Sweetness?” he implores.

“For the love of God, it’s just morning sickness. She’s fine,” Michelle quips from the doorway. “Now let her up so she can brush her teeth and get some soda down.”

I continue to stare at Connor. He hasn’t moved his gaze from mine. “I’m okay, Connor.” I try to pull away from him, but he tightens my hold on my face.

Connor’s thumbs swipe at the tears on my cheeks that have leaked from my eyes without me realizing it. “Baby, I’m so sorry I haven’t been here for you.”

“What? What are you doing here?” I ask.

Connor closes his eyes and shakes his head. “Sweetness, I’m here for you. I need to talk to you. I need to be with you. I just need you,” he says, bringing his eyes back to meet mine.

My stomach clenches. I can’t really explain what I’m feeling right now. It would be a lie if I said I didn’t know why I went to his apartment yesterday. I wanted to see him and talk to him and try to figure things out, but I know there is no way we are going to be able to move forward if he doesn’t open up to me and let me in. I certainly know any amount of talking isn’t going to happen with Michelle standing over us. I look past him and up to Michelle. “Can you give us a few minutes?”

“Last time I left you alone when he found you in the bathroom, a shitstorm happened.” She glares at Connor.

“That was different and you know it!” I snap back at her.

I know she’s referring to the time they found me asleep in the tub, and that night ultimately led to the entire fiasco Connor and I had, but this is an entirely different situation. I know Connor knows that nothing happened and he totally blew things out of proportion. I am certain that he won’t be going off to have a drunken rage fest again. I move to stand and get off the bathroom floor, but Connor jumps up and pulls me with him. It’s a little too fast, and I get slightly dizzy from the rapid change in position. “Whoa.”

“You can’t manhandle her like that, dumb ass!”

Connor has his hands on my upper arms, bracing me while I clear the dizziness from my mind. “Shit! Baby, are you okay?” he asks.

Once I steady myself, I place my hand down on the counter. “I’m fine,” I tell him, then I look past his shoulder to Michelle. “I’ll be fine, Michelle. I’ll call you later. I promise.”

“Nuh uh. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Damn it, Michelle! You told me last night that you would support me in whatever decision I made. I need to talk to Connor. Alone.”

She looks at me and shakes her head. After setting the crackers and soda on the counter, she spins around and walks out. I hear her open and close the door to the apartment. Leaving me alone with Connor.

Suddenly, my attire of a cami and panties seems a little too exposed. I don’t know why, I had sex with him less than twenty-four hours ago. I wrap my arms around my waist and look down towards my feet. “Will you excuse me for a minute? I have to take care of some things.” My voice sounds small, even to me.

“Of course, baby. You’ll be alright?” Connor asks, still unsure of what to do with me.

I nod my head and close the door behind him when he walks out into the bedroom. I seem to be having an awful lot of confrontations in the bathroom lately. Him, Michelle, Gabbi, and him again. I take care of my business, brush my teeth, and pull on some yoga pants from my stash in the linen closet. I splash some water on my face to try to make me feel a little bit better, but it doesn’t really help. Taking in my appearance in the mirror, I look terrible. My face is pale, I have bags under my eyes and my hair is lacking its usual luster. I thought pregnant women were supposed to glow?

I’m not really sure what I’m going to say to him when I walk back out there. I have to stamp down my body’s reaction to him. I have to listen to my head. I want him to be a part of his baby’s life, I won’t deny him that. Even though my heart is begging me to let him back in, to forget everything that has transpired, I know that I can’t do that.

I dig through one of the drawers and pull out a hair tie, tossing my messy curls up into a bun. My eyes are a little swollen from crying last night, so I don’t really feel like putting my contacts in either. Glasses it is.

Walking out of the bathroom, I see Connor sitting on the floor with his back propped up against my bed. My mind immediately flashes back to the last time he was in my apartment. My heart races and my chest feels tight. I shake my head to rid myself of those memories. The way Connor is looking at me tells me that he's remembering the same thing.

“Baby.” He breathes out.

“Listen, Connor.” I sigh as I walk towards him and crawl up on the bed. I scoot backwards until my back rests against the headrest in the middle of the bed, and pull my knees up to my chest, wrapping my arms around them, and keep my head down. “I know you’re mad at me about last
—”

“How could you possibly think I’m mad at you, baby?” he cuts me off.

Connor moves from the floor to sit in front of me on top of the bedspread. He folds his long legs under himself, keeping a little distance from me. I think he can sense I need the space.

Lifting my head up from where I had buried it in my arms, I look into his burning gaze. “I left.”

“I know that, sweetness. I pushed you too far too fast. I couldn’t help myself. I can never help myself when you’re around,” he says softly.

He didn’t push me. My resolve crumbled and I caved. The sight of him standing there in the rain, his heart on his sleeve, and the pain in his eyes was enough to bring me to my knees.

“I shouldn’t have shown up there. I was upset, and I needed… I don’t know what I needed.” My throat is starting to feel thick. Damn these pregnancy hormones. I feel like I can cry at the drop of a hat — more so than the past.

“You were upset about Seth?” Connor asks.

I nod my head. “I’ve caused y’all problems. I saw him when I was leaving. And I saw your hand. You guys got in a fight.”

Connor nods his head in agreement, but reaches out to take one of my hands. “Baby, you didn’t cause any problems. That is between me and him, and we’re working our shit out. I’m just worried about you. About us.”

I don’t know how to respond to that. I know Connor wants us back together. I desperately want that too, but I’m afraid. I keep hearing his harsh words over and over in my head. It’s like they're a track stuck on repeat I can’t turn off. As I continue to stare into his eyes, he brings a hand up tentatively to my cheek. I don’t flinch; instead I lean into his warm callused hand.

“I’m scared.”

“What are you scared of, sweetness?” Connor asks gently. “I’ll never, ever hurt you again. I swear on my life.”

I nod.

“I would rather die a thousand deaths than cause you even an ounce of pain again. I love you.”

“Connor, we really need to talk about things. I know I’ve shut you out the past few weeks, but I wasn’t in a good place. I wasn’t strong enough to face you. I still don’t think that I am, honestly,” I say meekly. Connor opens his mouth to respond, but I close my eyes and continue on.

“You really hurt me. Not just physically. I gave my already broken heart to you, and you completely shattered it. When you said those things, it was like I was right back there, eight years ago. I could almost feel Matt ripping at my clothes and taking away every hope and dream I ever had for myself.”

When I open my eyes, my heart breaks just a little more. Connor has tears running down his cheeks. I have never seen a more broken man. I don’t have a moment to think before he pulls me into his lap and buries his face into my neck and starts sobbing. He’s holding me so tight I can barely breathe. I wrap my arms around his shoulders and rub up and down his back. His entire body is shaking. I don’t quite know what to do.

“Connor?”

“I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry.” Connor tries to regain his composure. “Baby, I can’t ever say that enough. Please. Please. I can’t live without you. I need you.”

He lifts his head from my neck and looks down at me. My own tears have started leaking from my eyes. Connor brings his hand up to wipe them away and presses his lips to my forehead.

“I don’t expect you to ever be able to forgive me, but I will spend every day trying to earn your forgiveness.” His voice is thick and gravelly.

I really want to forgive him. I want to forget everything. I nod my head and squirm in his grip, which is still holding me so tightly I can barely breathe. This just makes Connor squeeze me tighter.

“Don’t leave me. Please, don’t leave me. Just let me hold you for a while,” he begs.

How can I say no to that? He sounds so vulnerable and small.

I lean backwards on the bed, keeping my arms wrapped around his shoulders so I can pull him with me. Connor follows my body, never letting go, but lets me shift our positions so we're lying on our sides facing each other instead of his weight crushing me.

The emerald seas that I can get so very lost in stare deeply into my own eyes. I see every emotion flickering through them. Pain, hurt, anguish, sorrow. Most of all, I see total devotion. I let Connor hold me as we both fall into a restless sleep. I didn’t sleep at all last night, and I’m not sure what time he discovered my absence, so who knows how much sleep he actually got.

Shit! I’m going to be fucking late to Lynae’s appointment! I thought I had time to finish changing that ignition before I showered. Looking at my watch as I run up the stairs at the medical office building, I panic a little. 4:25 PM. Her appointment was at 4:15 PM. Why in the hell does that office have to be on the sixth floor? Lynae is going to kill me.

After Saturday night at Lynae’s house, I didn’t want to leave. We slept until dinner time, and she let me call out for pizza delivery. I refused to leave until I saw that she ate something, since my arrival and our subsequent falling asleep made her miss breakfast and lunch. I don’t know how well she has been eating, but she doesn’t look like she's gained any weight. I thought women were supposed to start eating more and gaining weight when they were pregnant. Lynae allowed me to stay through dinner, but asked me to leave afterwards. I wanted to stay there and hold her all night long, but she refused. She also refused my request to see her yesterday. She kept saying that she needed time to work things out in her head. At least she asked me to come to the ultrasound appointment today. This is her first appointment with the OBGYN since the hospital. And I’m fucking late!

I rush down the hall and through the doors once I find the right one. The waiting room is full, but I see Lynae being escorted into the back hallway. She’s just been called back. Her head is down and her shoulders are slumped. I can tell by her posture that she’s upset.

“Lynae,” I call out to her.

She turns around at the sound of my voice. She looks pissed and happy all at the same time. “I thought you weren’t coming,” she says meekly.

“I wouldn’t miss this for anything,” I tell her, walking up behind her. “I’m so sorry I’m late, baby.” I reach out my hand to touch her shoulder, but she pulls away from me to turn to the nurse holding the door open.

“Judi, this is Connor, he’s coming in with me.” Lynae smiles at her, then walks ahead towards the exam rooms.

The nurse, who I now know is Judi, looks me up and down. “Alright, Daddy, you ready for this?” she drawls with a thick Southern accent as she opens the door a little more for me.

I nod my head and follow Lynae, who stops in the first open doorway. She sets her purse down and flips off her shoes before stepping up on the scale. Judi weighs her, then hands her a cup and points to the bathroom. After Lynae goes in and does her business, she comes back into the room where I’ve been left standing to be scrutinized by Judi. That woman makes me nervous. Judi checks Lynae’s blood pressure, then takes some blood for some kind of lab test. After all that, we're led to an exam room further down the hall.

“Okay, love, strip down, tops and bottoms, put that gown on and there’s a sheet on the table for you too. Dr. Parsons will be in shortly to do the exam and then we’ll come back with the ultrasound. Sound good?” Judi asks, pointing at the small table in the middle of the room.

Lynae smiles and nods her head as Judi leaves the room. I move to sit in one of the chairs by the wall, but Lynae stops me. “Will you step out while I change?” she asks.

“What?” I look at her, confused.

“I want you to step you out while I get undressed. Please.”

“Sweetness, I’ve seen you naked. You don’t have to hide from me,” I respond. I don’t understand.

“That’s not the point, Connor. I don’t want you in here while I’m changing.” She sounds upset.

Great. First I’m late, and now I’m pissing her off more.
Asshole move, Connor, asshole move
. “I’m sorry, baby.” I walk out into the hall and lean back against the door, my head thudding against the wood.

After a few minutes I hear “You can come in now” through the door and I go back inside the tiny exam room. Lynae looks so small sitting on the table with her legs dangling and hospital gown practically swallowing her. She’s looking down at her lap, fidgeting with her fingernails.

I sit in the chair along the wall and scoot closer to her. “I’m so sorry I was late, Sweetness. I lost track of time at the shop.” I gently rest my hand on her knee and she jerks her head in my direction.

“I thought you weren’t coming.” She takes a deep breath. “I was sitting in that waiting room all alone with the other couples.”

That’s what’s bothering her. I am such a dick! I should have insisted on picking her up to bring her to this appointment instead of meeting her here. She was in a room full of happy couples and I wasn’t there. God, I want to kick my own ass.

I get up from the chair and move so that I’m standing directly in front of her between her dangling legs. “Lynae, I’m sorry. I promise you that I was not planning on missing this. I lost track of time. I’ll pick you up next time.” I cup her face in my hands and my heart breaks to see the tears forming in her eyes.

Lynae shakes her head and brings her hand up to wipe underneath her right eye. “Damn hormones,” she mumbles. “I’m just overreacting. You have a life to attend to.”

“Baby, you’re my life. I’m gonna prove it to you and make it up to you,” I say as I press a gentle kiss to her forehead. How can she think that there is anything I’d rather be doing than being wherever she is? If I had my way, I’d move her into my apartment and never let her out of my sight.

The door opens and the doctor walks in with a medical assistant right behind her. “Good afternoon, Lynae. How are you feeling?” she says to Lynae, then turns to me. “Hi there, you must be Connor? I’m Dr. Parsons.” The doctor extends her hand out for me to shake and I introduce myself.

Dr. Parsons performs a physical exam and takes some measurements of Lynae’s belly. She asks her a few questions and Lynae responds. I hadn’t realized that Lynae had been having so many issues with nausea, and I feel awful that Saturday morning is the first time I knew about it. I mentally kick myself for not asking Gabbi about it when I’d get my updates on her. I had only been concerned if she still hated me or not. I just sit there beside Lynae’s head trying to take everything in.

After a few minutes, another person comes in with the ultrasound machine. I recognize it from when Lynae was in the hospital. Dr. Parsons squirts some gel onto Lynae’s abdomen, and starts taking pictures and more measurements. The blob on the screen looks a little bigger than the last time I saw it. The fast “swooshing” sound fills the room and my chest starts to pound. That’s my baby on the screen. That little person in there is something Lynae and I created.

Lynae’s eyes never leave the monitor as the ultrasound wand moves around and over her. My breath catches when she extends her hand out to grab mine and holds it tight. I can see tears swimming in her caramel eyes, but they look like happy tears. I hope they are. I know that a baby certainly wasn’t planned, or something that I would say I’m really ready for, but I wouldn’t change the fact Lynae is having my baby for a second. I can’t ever imagine someone better as the mother of my children. I just need to prove to her that I can and will be the man she needs and wants.

“Everything is looking just as it should, Lynae. The baby is measuring appropriately and your ultrasound looks good,” Dr. Parsons says while she wipes the excess gel off Lynae’s belly. “I am concerned about your weight, though. Are you eating enough?” She raises the head of the bed so that Lynae is in a sitting position again.

Lynae looks down at her lap and chews on her bottom lip. “I am trying. The morning sickness is really bad in the mornings, and I’m trying to eat more for lunch and dinner.” She glances at me briefly, then continues. “I’ve been under a lot of stress lately, and I haven’t really had a lot of appetite most days.”

Stress. That I caused. I want to not only kick my own ass, but I want to kill myself for putting my sweetness through all of this. “I’ll make sure she eats more.” I place my hand over hers and address Dr. Parsons: “I will make it my number one job to ensure that Lynae takes care of what she needs to.”

Dr. Parsons nods her head, then leaves the room let Lynae get dressed again. I don’t wait around for her to ask me to leave, I step outside the door as well. I see Dr. Parsons standing at high counter down the hall a little ways, so I go up to ask her a few questions.

“I’m worried about Lynae. It’s my fault she’s been under so much stress and…” My words trail off. How much does she know about our history? Does she know about the fall?

Dr. Parsons sets the chart down she was writing in and turns to face me. “Connor, I know what happened. I’ve been Lynae’s doctor for several years. I’ve seen her chart. Stress can cause issues during pregnancy, so you need to make sure she has as little stress as possible. Right now, the baby looks fine. Lynae just needs to makes sure she eats more regularly and stays hydrated. Her blood pressure was a little low, but then again, she’s always been like that.”

“I promise. I’ll keep an eye on her. She hasn’t been letting me be around, but that’s gonna change. Lynae won’t be able to keep me away,” I tell Dr. Parsons as I hear the door open and close. Lynae is dressed again and walking towards us.

“Thank you, Kim. I’ll see you in a few weeks, I guess. Just schedule my next appointment at the front?” Lynae asks, hiking her giant purse further up on her shoulder. I reach out to take it from her. I don’t want her carrying anything. Now, let’s see if I can talk her into letting me take her to dinner. I need to feed her.