Loving Rowan (16 page)

A
ndrew came
to see me in hospital twice. Both times Kyle arrived, and he would sit and glower at my husband while we fussed over our daughter. I don’t know what he really wanted; we weren’t exactly close after everything that had happened.

Maybe I should have told him to leave, I had told him I didn’t want to see him again, but I my head had been in the clouds since Mia’s birth. I was far more focused on her than anything to do with Andrew.

Mia blew me away. I felt as if my heart would explode every time I looked at her. What I felt for her was on a par with how I felt about Kyle. My love for them both was overwhelming at times.

I hated being stuck in hospital. Not being able to go home straight away often left me weepy as I struggled with wanting to be in my own bed with my husband. I knew Kyle was frustrated too.

They let me go after a few days with no sign of any seizures. I was still on medication, and Kyle would have to keep an eye on me for the next few weeks, just in case it happened again. The thought of that was terrifying.

Finally, I got home, and I’d never loved it so much. Everything had been prepared ahead of time, but Kyle even had flowers in vases in the living room to welcome me. He was so wonderful, and I felt so loved.

I settled in on the couch with Mia. She had already started putting on weight and growing, and I couldn’t have been more proud. I was glad that Kyle was taking time off to stay home with us for a while. Since the whole seizure thing, I’d been so nervous about it happening again. I couldn’t bear it if anything happened to Mia.

“I’m so glad to have you home. I’ve missed you so much,” Kyle said, nuzzling my neck.

“I missed you too. So funny, seeing as we spent so much time together.”

“Our bed wasn’t the same without you.” His eyes were so full of love, and I was so happy to be with him again.

When Mia fell asleep, I laid her gently in the bassinet beside the bed. I wanted her near us, at least to start with. She’d been sleeping in a crib next to me at the hospital, and I’d gotten used to her little snuffling noises and snorts in the night. Feeding her in the night would be easier with this proximity too, although I hoped she slept well between feeds.

“I need to set the alarm for four hours time,” I said.

Kyle looked confused. “What for?”

“To feed Mia again.”

“Doesn’t she just feed when she’s hungry? What if she’s hungry before the four hours is up?”

“I just want to get her into a routine.”

“Does she need it, or do you? Rowan, I’m not going to interfere with what you think is best, because you are her mother and feeding her, but I worry that this is going to put even more pressure on you when you have enough to deal with. You just gave birth, and I know being stuck in hospital, and the seizure, have caused you stress. I’d like to see you relax, at least for the first few weeks, and the pair of you find your way together.”

He did have a point. He’d thrown chaos into my life, and the world hadn’t ended.

“Okay.”

“Right. So if you’re tired, try to get some sleep and we’ll see when Mia wakes up. If it’s too long then we’ll wake her, but I am more concerned right now with you getting enough rest.”

I was exhausted, and I pulled my nightgown over my head, and slid between the sheets. Kyle stripped off and climbed into bed beside me, holding me in his arms, and kissing me softly.

“I love you so much, Rowan. You and Mia are the most special, most important people in the world to me. It’s my job to take care of you and make sure you’re both happy. I’m just so glad you’re home with me.”

I clung tight to him. “I’m glad I’m home too. I just got sick of the hospital. Couldn’t wait to get back to you.”

He kissed me again. “Let’s get some rest.”

Safe in his arms, I fell asleep. Through the first night my memories were vague as he was the one who got Mia out of the crib, placing her in my arms to feed her before he changed her nappy and cradled her while I went back to sleep.

“Daddy’s girl,” I murmured, before falling into a haze of dreams.

I
am such an idiot
.

Here was I, with my beautiful baby and husband who loved me, and I had no idea why I was so miserable.

Kyle was brilliant. He took such good care of me, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell him I struggled to hold Mia in the early days. I was terrified that I’d have another seizure, that something bad would happen to her. It took everything in me to pick her up at times, but thankfully he’d been there to do it for me.

In the midst of my adjustment to all this new chaos, Andrew kept contacting me. I ignored the emails and texts, not wanting anything to do with him. For whatever reason, I didn’t tell Kyle. He was trying his best to make me happy when the problem wasn’t him, and I didn’t want to cause him any more stress.

Andrew claimed to miss me, to want my friendship if he couldn’t have anything more. I couldn’t think of anything I wanted less. Kyle was the one I loved, the one I gave my heart and my world to. I would never do anything to hurt him, not on purpose.

As the weeks passed, our life got back to as normal as it was going to be. We eased back into our sex life, and I could not have asked for a more loving, gentle partner than Kyle. He caressed my new curves, kissed my stomach where Mia had been, and we both enjoyed my newly developed cleavage. Something was still missing, though, not quite right.

The body image issues I had were different now. I’d grown up insecure about the way I looked; my freckles, and how skinny I was. Now I looked different, and I was terrified that Kyle would decide he didn’t like me anymore. I knew he wouldn’t do that, but it nagged away at me, even as we made love.

I couldn’t stay like this, so started a routine, taking Mia to the park every day for a walk. I’d feed the ducks, sit in the sunshine, and talk to her. I told her stories of my life, how I met her father, how I loved both him and her so very much.

After the first week, everything seemed lighter. The fresh air and spending time just relaxing with my baby was helping. She slept better at night for probably the same reason. I felt alive for the first time in what felt like forever.

At the end of the week, Mia fell asleep early for the first time. I knew she would be awake in the night to feed, but it was nice to just cuddle on the couch with Kyle and forget everything for just a while.

“You are radiant,” he said, nuzzling my neck. “Something is definitely agreeing with you.”

I laughed. “I’m just tired all the time, and getting out of the house has helped. Mia is such an amazing baby; it’s nice to enjoy being a mother instead of constantly feeling like I’m behind.”

“Hey, I like your behind.”

“You know what I mean.”

Kyle kissed me gently on the lips. “I know what you mean, and I think you are incredible. You’re a great mother, and a wonderful wife. I know it’s been rough getting used to having a baby in the house, but we’re getting there, Rowan. I’m always here to help if you need it too. Don’t ever feel like you have to do everything yourself.”

“I know. You’re so good to me. Things have changed so much, but you’re always there when I need you. I’ve just felt like I’ve been in a bit of a fog lately, but I think I’m coming out the other side now.”

He moved his hand to my chest, fondling my breast and rubbing my nipple as it hardened. “You like that, don’t you?” I asked, laughing.

“You know I always loved your tits, there’s just a little more to grope now.”

“What are you going to do if they disappear when I stop breastfeeding?”

He grinned. “Rowan, I don’t care. You are beautiful, and I want to touch you no matter what. Sometimes the thought of you drives me to distraction at work, and I just want to race home and take you to bed.”

“Why don’t you?” I whispered.

“I thought you were trying to establish a routine with Mia during the day.”

“I wouldn’t object to an interruption from you. You just have to time it right.”

Kyle laughed. “Tell me when her nap times are then, and I am so there.”

“Let’s go to bed now, while she’s asleep.”

“You don’t have to ask me twice.”

I laughed, getting up to walk to the bedroom. On the coffee table, my phone buzzed with a text.

“Are you going to check that?” Kyle asked.

“It’s not as important as going to bed with my husband, whatever it is.”

He picked up my phone as he walked past. “Are you sure? It could be your mum.”

I rolled my eyes. “Fine. Whatever. I’ll look at it, just get your butt into that bedroom.”

He handed me the phone and I went into the messages. I closed my eyes at what I saw, before smiling. “Nothing important, let’s go to bed.”

“What was it? You looked weirded out.”

“I’m fine.”

“Rowan,” he said, taking the phone from my hand and looking for himself.

He just stood there, looking at the screen. All the joy had gone from his face, and I would have given anything to know what he was thinking at that moment.

“How long?”

“I’ve been ignoring them, Kyle. I’m not interested in what he has to say.”

“How long has this been going on?”

I shook my head. “There’s nothing going on. He’s emailed and texted me to tell me he wants to be friends again. I’ve been ignoring him because I don’t want anything to do with him. I just want to get on with my life.”

“So why didn’t you tell me?” He looked up at me with eyes so pained it nearly broke my heart.

“I didn’t want to upset you. I swear I didn’t reply to any of them, Kyle. If you scroll through, you’ll see no replies. You can check my email, too, if you want.”

“You kept it from me, Rowan. I’m here to protect you, and you’re keeping secrets from me.”

I shrugged. “I didn’t think it was worth mentioning. He’s not my life anymore. You are.”

He sat back down on the couch. All enthusiasm for what we had been about to do gone in a single moment.

“I’ll tell him to leave me alone. You know I’ve already told him I don’t want his friendship.”

“This text just says he misses you and loves you. Do you know what this looks like right now?”

I nodded. “I know. But I swear to you, Kyle, the only man I love is you. The only man I’ve ever slept with is you. I wouldn’t let him touch me in a million years. When he couldn’t get what he wanted, he called me names and put me down. You would never do that. All these years I thought I was ugly and you made me feel beautiful. No one else ever did that for me.”

He put the phone back on the table. “You are beautiful. He knows that, he made you feel that way all of those years knowing if you had low self-esteem he would always have you as a back up. You do know that, don’t you?” His eyes were pleading with me, his fists bunched, and I knew he was fighting the temptation to find Andrew and punch him.

“I do. I should have told you, I know that. You are just so perfect; warm and loving and sexy, and you love me and only me. I didn’t want to upset you.”

Kyle stood, taking my hands in his as he looked into my eyes. “There is nothing you can’t tell me. This doesn’t work if we’re not both open and honest with each other, Rowan. What I feel for you is overwhelming, and the thought of you keeping secrets from me kills me. Especially for him.”

I sighed. “I didn’t do it for him, I did it for you. I’m sorry. The last few weeks, I’ve just felt so under pressure. I’m terrified after what happened in the hospital. To be honest I’ve been distracted by wanting to protect our daughter from anything that might happen to me, I didn’t even think about Andrew getting in contact.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I was so scared of having another seizure. What if it happened when I was holding her? What if I hurt her?” I could feel the tears building as the stress I’d felt finally released.

“Oh, baby. I could have stayed home with you if I knew you were concerned. Dad would understand. Nothing is more important than you and Mia. I’ll deal with Andrew. Let’s go to bed and forget all of this until tomorrow. Deal?”

I nodded. “Yes please,” I whispered.

He smiled. “Rowan, you don’t ever have to keep anything from me. I’ll always be on your side.”

The tears were coming now, and I struggled to breathe through them. Kyle wrapped his arms around me, holding me tight. “Come on, baby. I want to kiss every last inch of that gorgeous body of yours before we go to sleep.”

He let go, holding out his hand for me to take and leading me to the bedroom where we could snuggle. I stripped off, slipping in to bed beside him.

“You don’t have any idea just how beautiful you are, do you?” he said, as he stroked my breasts.

“You say that all the time.”

“Because I mean it. Rowan, your body drove me crazy before Mia, and it drives me crazy now. Because it’s you. I love you, no matter what you look like. Nothing will ever change that.”

Tears welled up in my eyes, and I kissed him. “I love you so much, Kyle. You and Mia are my whole world. Please tell me you know that.”

“I do know that, baby. Please don’t hold anything back from now on. It kills me that you didn’t think you could talk to me about any of this. We’re supposed to be in this together.”

“I’m sorry.” I clung to him. The thought of screwing things up and losing him was unbearable.

“There is nothing to be sorry about. Just tell me that when you need me, you’ll let me know. Don’t be afraid to tell me anything.”

I
love my wife
.

She is my life, my whole world, the air that I breathe. No matter how much of a cliché that sounds, every word is true. She was from the moment she walked into that bedroom, the first night we spent together.

I watched her as she slept. It was hard not to, when she was sharing my pillow. We both used to be the kind of people that liked their space when they sleep. Now we end up on one side of the bed each night, entangled in each other as we dream together.

I had delivered on my promise. She needed to know how much I loved her after all that crap with Andrew and the text messages. It would have been easy to be angry with her for withholding the truth from me, but I knew why she did it. She was scared.

Her whole life she had loved a man who didn’t love her. Now she had me, and she was terrified of losing what she had. But nothing would ever stop me loving her.

We had gone to bed, and I had kissed her beautiful body, praising the changes that she was insecure about. She got that look on her face that I loved as she came close to coming. That look of complete and total bliss.

Only I had ever given her that look. No one else ever would.

Now, she slept peacefully, sharing my pillow, her arm draped over me as she claimed me as her own. I was completely and utterly hers.

Any anger I had was directed at Andrew for targeting a woman who had recently given birth, who he knew was insecure about her body. He knew exactly what he was doing harassing her, and I was proud of Rowan for ignoring it. I didn’t have to check her messages or emails. Her word was good enough for me.

She was amazing. Her whole world of regimented routine had been thrown out the window by a squawking tiny human whose wants and needs knew no bounds. At four months old, Mia owned both of us.

In the morning, I would call Dad, tell him I was going to take more time off to spend at home. He had been really supportive of us, and had asked me before if I’d wanted more time. As it was, I’d waited until she had the all clear from the doctor after her seizure. Now I’d found that even after that, it had weighed on her mind. That broke my heart.

My poor baby had been through so much these past few weeks, and I had been completely blind to it. I had been floating on cloud nine for weeks after becoming a father, and it stung to realise that I had been neglecting the one person who mattered more than anything.

Without her, everything else was meaningless. I slipped my arm out from under her, sliding out of bed and bending to kiss her cheek before going back to the living room. Picking up her phone, I read back through the text messages. He was begging, pleading with her to pay attention to him, trying to guilt trip her into seeing him.

As much as I knew she loved me, it surprised me that she hadn’t bitten or given in. She was so forgiving and gentle that I was sure his grief must be weighing on her mind. Sometimes I saw her looking through old photos that included pictures of the three of them. Charlie’s death still bothered her, and I understood that. For Andrew to play on that angered me beyond belief.

I looked back at the bedroom door. My whole life was in that room, and I’d be damned if I was going to let this continue. Tapping out a response, I sent a text back to Andrew.

T
here’s
a park near my place. We need to talk.

S
econds later
, came the response.

I
know the place
. When?

W
ithout even thinking
, I felt my free hand form into a fist. It had been a fairly vague text, but he knew where I was talking about? Had he been watching her?

T
en o’clock tomorrow morning
. See you by the duck pond.

T
hank you
, Rowan. You won’t regret it.

R
egret it
? She wouldn’t even know about it. My job was to protect her, and I would do whatever it took. Clearly her ignoring him wasn’t bringing home the message. I would just reinforce it.

I smiled as I looked at her, still sleeping peacefully as I went back into the room. I slid in beside her, slipping my arm back under her neck. She stirred. “You’re cold,” she mumbled.

“You’ll just have to warm me up,” I whispered, holding her close. I closed my eyes, safe in the knowledge that she was mine, and always would be.

T
he air was still chilly
at ten the next morning, and I stood by the pond, rubbing my hands together to ward off the cold. I’d told Rowan I was going out to get milk, so I had to remember to do that before going home.

I saw him approaching, looking around for her. I’d pocketed her phone as I left the house, in case he sent her another text. Apart from talking to me, she barely used it and wouldn’t miss it.

He reached into his pocket, pulling out his phone before seeing me. An uncertain look crossed his face as he stood staring at me, and I smiled back at him.

“Hey, Andrew.” I waved at him, moving closer as he just stood there. As if he was waiting for something. The colour had drained from his face.

“Oh, Kyle. Hi,” he said, looking at his phone and frowning.

“If you’re looking for Rowan, she’s not coming. I sent you the text.”

His face fell, though I suspected he’d guessed that once he saw me.

“Andrew, you have to leave her alone. She’s not responded because she’s moved on with her life, and she has no idea if you can fit into that.”

He glared at me. “You don’t speak for her.”

“You know her well enough to know she can’t handle confrontation. She has enough to deal with right now without the extra pressure of you wanting to renew your friendship. Personally, I think that friendship was toxic for a lot of reasons—mostly the way you knew how much she cared about you, and yet you did nothing to let her know that she should move on with her life.”

Andrew drew himself up to his full height, eyeballing me and saying nothing.

“I’ve got nothing against you, believe me. And if Rowan wanted you in her life, I can’t say I’d be happy about it, but I’d tolerate it for her sake. What I want is for you to leave her alone. If she wants your friendship, Andrew, she’ll contact you.”

He shook his head. “I should have known you’d stand in the way.”

“I’m not. I only found out about all the texts and emails last night. Rowan didn’t want to upset me. She’s still dealing with the issues surrounding Mia’s birth, Andrew. The seizure scared the hell out of her, more than she could admit. I’m looking out for my wife and her health, physical and mental.”

As much as I just wanted to hit him and get it out of the way, there was no malice meant in my words. He was in pain from his loss, I could see that. Even if I’d seen him out and about drinking with other women, his loss of Charlie was as painful to him as if I’d lost Rowan. I had to admit to a certain amount of empathy. Losing someone so close must have been hard.

He shrugged, turning away. That was the moment I wanted to hit him. His complete lack of care for what Rowan was going through. No matter what, it was all about Andrew.

I watched as he disappeared amongst the trees without another word. I’d been more than reasonable; any more crap from him and I would take a legal course of action if I had to. I would just have to make sure Rowan was ready for that.