Love's Illusions: A Novel (32 page)

“Where are the other schools again,” Michael asked.

“The next one is out in Rockford. I have to figure out how long it’s going to take me to drive out there – it’s about 90 miles, isn’t’ it?” I asked him.

“Yeah about. You better leave at least two, maybe two and a half hours, in case you get lost,” he said. “You’re gonna hate Rockford. It’s in the middle of nowhere.”

“Yeah, I know, but it’s a job, and it keeps me semi-close. At least I could see you on weekends,” I glanced up from my plate at him, “unless you go to California of course.”

He didn’t answer. He hesitated over his food for a moment, then stabbed a piece of his pork chop with a fork, shoved it in his mouth and changed the subject. “Where’s the third interview?” he asked.

“It’s in Worcester, Massachusetts. I told you – the director there is going to be in Chicago next week. We’re doing the interview at school. You didn’t answer me about California Michael.”

I felt like the world hinged on his answer.
Do I really want to know?
Ever since he got back from his visit, the idea of him moving out there with Keith had hung like a dark cloud between us. Tom was doing well with the move so far, and was pushing for Michael to join them. Shirley wanted him to stay in Chicago. I didn’t know what I wanted. Well actually, I wanted him; he was my best friend, my lover. On one hand he made me feel safe and secure; no matter how dark my mood got, no matter how hard it was for me to get out of bed, he seemed to understand. He could read the fine line differences so when I’d say I wanted to kill myself, he knew I didn’t mean I wanted to commit suicide, but only that I wanted to die because dying was an easier thought to express than solving whatever the problem was at that moment. He didn’t think I was crazy – never looked at me with a sense of pity.

I thought about just picking up, and heading west with him if he went, saying ‘fuck it’ to the world as I knew it. At least with him I’d never have to worry about where the next high was coming from.
Could I pitch it all?
Sometimes I thought ‘yes’, but whenever I started to think like that I remembered my parents, and my pixie shaking her head ‘no’ the night The Canteen was shot up. At first I thought she meant ‘no’ to the bar, but later I thought it meant ‘no’ to Michael. I loved him, I was sure of it, but I didn’t love what he did for a living. I had always known I couldn’t live with a dealer on a long term basis, it was one of the driving reasons in my decision when I got pregnant – that was not a life for a child. But now, after The Canteen, and every time I saw the scar on his side, it terrified me. I wanted to keep on pretending that he was a mechanic, and only a dealer ‘on the side’ but, well… I could be naïve, but I wasn’t stupid. I knew most of his income came from drugs.

“I’m going,” he said.

The food caught in my throat; I almost couldn’t swallow. Tears welled up in my eyes. I tried to take a deep breath, but couldn’t – it felt like one railroad car after another was crashing to the valley below, crushing me in the rubble. Michael had his arms around me now, leading me from the table to the couch. He held me whispering, “I love you, Jackie. I love you – come with me, nothing has to change between us. It could be just like it is now, only in California,” He just kept repeating, “come with me,” over and over as one tear after another formed, rolled down my cheek, and dropped onto his shirt.

My mind bounced around from one thing to another – thoughts coming and going at the speed of light. I didn’t speak, I couldn’t. I felt hurt, heartbroken and yet it was a relief to have an answer. I had sensed this was coming ever since he announced he was going to visit Keith, so now I knew for sure. No more guessing – I didn’t do well not knowing. This wasn’t the answer I wanted, but it was an answer. He was being honest with me… God I loved this man – how was I going to make it through the day without him? We had been together two years – two tumultuous years – maybe we could make it through this too?

“Can we talk?” he asked. I nodded feeling the tears slowing down, not stopping, but slowing as the knot in my throat subsided some. I knew as soon as I started to talk my emotions would grab hold of me, I’d break again, but I was ready.

“When are you leaving?” I asked.

“I don’t know. Not until you’re settled – have found a job you want or …” he hesitated, “or have decided to come with me.”

“I love you, but I can’t live like Keith does – you know that.”

“I know, but we wouldn’t be living with him, we’d have our own place. If you were there, it would be easier to find a teaching job – I know you could find one.”

“You know that’s not what I mean Michael. I’m not worried about an apartment or house, I’m afraid of you becoming like your brother, of getting further and further into a life that you’ll never be able to get out of. You’ve already been stabbed once – don’t you remember telling me that you knew there was no future in dealing?”

“Yes, I remember… but this is different…”

“No, it’s
not
,” I said cutting him off in mid-phrase. “It doesn’t matter if it’s some black street gang or a professional grow house like you’re talking about now – you can still get hurt or killed! I mean shit, look what just happened at The Canteen. I know you said those guys weren’t trying to hurt anyone, just send Charlie a message, but my God Michael – they shot up the fuckin’ place. They could’ve killed all of us if they’d wanted to! I don’t want that to happen to you!”

“Charlie owned them a lot of money. He wasn’t who you thought he was – he was ripping off his partners, and he got caught. I’m not gonna do that. You never saw it because you liked him – you were blind, but everyone else knew it was happening – they knew he was skimming, and that it would blow up someday!”

“My point
exactly
! It will all blow up someday – you don’t have to be skimming to have things blow up! You’re talking about dealing. It’s illegal! These people aren’t gonna play by any rules but their own. You’re not talking about dime bags anymore, you’re talking fuckin’ kilos! You call me blind, but for Christ’s sake, open your eyes – this scheme of Keith’s is going to explode just like that mirrored ball exploded!” I took a deep breath, exhaling through my nose and lowering my tone. “I can’t Michael, I can’t watch you get hurt.”

His mind was made up – I could see it in his eyes. It was the same expression he had when we were talking about the abortion – it didn’t matter that I was right, he knew I was. The difference was that this time the bottom line decision was his, not mine.

“I don’t want to argue, Jackie,” he sighed. “I don’t have any skills; this is the only way I can get out of the south side, out of that damn garage. I want more than that, for me and for you.”

“Of course you have skills. You could go back to school, like my father suggested – you’re smart, you could be an engineer if you wanted to be.”

“Hmph, right – that was an act, just an act so your father wouldn’t freak out,” he replied shaking his head. “I was never going to go back to school, I was always in trouble when I was there and my grades sucked. Besides, I don’t have the money and my Mom sure can’t help – shit I give her money. You’ve never understood how lucky you are to have your parents there to help, even if they do drive you crazy, and tell you what to do. Besides, I’m not like you – I hated school, Jackie.”

“I’d help you,” I said.

He looked me in the eyes and tears began to roll down my cheeks again. He cupped my face in his hands wiping them away with his large thumbs, then leaned over and kissed me. I felt the tingle, my heart started to pound, as if it was the first time we had ever touched.

“If I get one of these jobs,
you
could come with
me
,” I said between kisses.

“Yeah, and what would I do all day?” he murmured as he pushed me back on the couch running his hands under my shirt and pulling it off over my head.

“Well… you could just… stop kissing my neck… I can’t think when you do that…” My fingers were tangled in his hair, trying half-heartedly to pull his head back.

“I know – that’s why I’m doing it,” he said smiling back at me.

“I mean… you wouldn’t have to do anything… Oh my God Michael,” I sighed, “that feels wonderful… but, listen, please. I’d be working so we could live… We’d have time to figure things out I mean.”

He was slowly, deliberately working his way down my body, his lips engulfing my nipples, his hands circling, and caressing my thighs. “No… no Jackie, I won’t live off you,” he said rising up enough to pull his own shirt off. “Now hush – we’ll finish talking later. I don’t think straight either when I have a beautiful, naked woman under me.”

Would I ever stop crying? I was trying to stop, but I just kept hearing those words in my head ‘
I’m going’
. I couldn’t lose him, but I couldn’t be with him either. For the last week, we each tried to convince the other hoping, praying that the other would change their mind, but we were at another impasse.

Time was passing very quickly. The interviews for both Rockford and Worcester came and went – my mind half on them, and half on maintaining enough rational thought not to start seeing my skull hanging in bits from the ceiling. Since The Canteen was ‘temporarily closed for renovation’ as the sign on the door proclaimed, I had nothing to do except think. Both interviews went well compared to the one with Elk Grove Village. Lana had found out that Mr. Jamison didn’t want someone as young as I was; he told her I looked like a student, not a teacher.
Guess he wasn’t fooled by the dress,
I thought.

The school year would be starting again right after Labor Day so time was running out. An unfamiliar sense of panic was setting in: I was anxious, nervous, my mind bouncing around like a ping pong ball from the paddle to the floor then off the wall escaping across the room with me chasing after it – always two steps behind. I actually preferred the feeling of darkness – I was used to that, all I had to do was go to sleep – but this feeling of apprehension, of being scared. I
hated
it.

On August 16th I received a telephone call from Mrs. Blackburn, the woman from Worcester, Massachusetts, I had interviewed with. She offered me a position as an art teacher, traveling between three of the junior high schools in town. The school year began with two half days on September 6th and 7th. If I accepted the position I would have to be there by September 4th for teacher meetings. She would send me all paperwork beforehand by mail, but I needed to give her an answer…
now
.

I accepted, hung up the telephone, and burst into tears.

Tears and anger were the only things I seemed to be good at lately. The tears somehow slowed my mind, dulled it in a way, let me feel sorry for myself without letting go of the anger, the rage that whelmed up inside me when I thought about my life.
How could things be turning out so differently than I thought they should? Why did it have to be so damn difficult? What did I do to deserve this turmoil? Where was my happily ever after?
I knew I wasn’t anybody special – just a regular person. I wasn’t asking life to make me rich or famous; all I wanted was to live a decent normal life with a man I loved. I had loved Stephen with all my heart and soul – look how that turned out. In some ways I loved Michael even more, but was going to lose him too. It wasn’t fair – it just plain wasn’t fuckin’ fair! All I had to do was go with him… why the hell was I choosing a job over him? It wasn’t supposed to be like this – in all my fantasies I had never imagined it ever being like this. I hated my reality.

In tears, I called Mary Beth. She had been accepted into the MBA program at Northwestern so she was definitely staying in Chicago. Besides, Kent had proposed; they were going to wait until they were both out of school to get married. They were so happy, it was wonderful to watch… the fairy tale was coming true for her – I was delighted for both of them. And a bit envious of the life I saw spreading out at her feet.

“Hi, what’s up,” she chirped as she answered the phone, then hesitated and asked, “Is something wrong?”

“Nothing. Everything. I got a job.”

“That’s
great
! Which one? Are you crying? You should be happy about this Jackie, not crying.”

“Yeah, I know. It’s the one in Worcester. I’m going to have to move –
now
. It starts September 4th. I mean, I am happy – it’s a job, and I’ll be able to pay my own bills – but shit, the problem is Michael. I’m not sure I can leave him.”

“Jackie, you can’t stay with him – he doesn’t have a future unless he gets away from that asshole brother, and you know it!” she exclaimed. “I mean I like Michael, Kent likes Michael, he’s a great guy – but do you want to spend the rest of your life with a guy who could be busted at any minute? Do you?”

“No,” I replied, tears streaming down my face.

“You have to pull yourself together. You fell for great sex – I can’t blame you for that – but what good is that if he’s dead or in jail, huh?”

“No, it wasn’t just that!” I protested. “I fell for him because he’s gentle, and understanding, and he makes me feel so fuckin’ safe and…”

She cut me off, “…and it’s great sex and the drugs were an added bonus
and
he was there for you when all the shit was going down with Stephen. I know all the reasons, but if you go with him to California it’ll all explode – then you won’t have him or a job! Take the job, Jackie.”

“He’s… Shit! He’s just so perfect – he stayed with me when I got pregnant, he didn’t split.”

“You’re right, he didn’t split. He was willing to take responsibility, but you don’t owe him your life for that. Besides he wanted you to have that kid. You would’ve been trapped, and then what would’ve happened now? He was never going to give up dealing. You made the right decision then or would’ve if you hadn’t miscarried – make the right decision now.”

“I did. I told Mrs. Blackburn to send the paperwork. I just don’t know if I can make it without him. I’m not sure I
want
to.”

“You can and you will,” Mary Beth stated. “I have some time tomorrow, I’ll stop and get some boxes from the grocery store, then come help you start to pack.”