Love's Illusions: A Novel (11 page)

“No, it wasn’t horrible – I’ll be sleeping on my stomach for a few days, and sitting down won’t be any fun for a while, but I’ll be fine. You shouldn’t’ve come Jack, I’m so tired – I just need to sleep a bit.”

“Yeah, it sounds like you’ve had a party in here this morning, but you can sleep now, I don’t mind. We’ll talk when you wake up. Who are the flowers from? They’re beautiful… sorry I didn’t bring anything…”

“Oh those, they’re from Joe and the other guys at Fields – he brought them to cheer me up,” he yawned and looked like he was having some difficulty keeping his eyelids open.

“That was nice – take a nap, I’ll just hang out here and read… I thought you’d need rest, so I brought a book,” I said.

With a look of resignation, and his eyes half closed, he said, “I’m too tired to argue with you about staying – what are you reading?”

“
The Female Eunuch
,”

His eyes shot open, he shook his head and said, “That figures,” then closed his eyes again as I sat down in the chair on the other side of the bed wondering if he even knew what
The Female Eunuch
was about or if he was just reacting to the title. Pulling the paperback out of my purse, I opened the book and settled in to read for a while. I enjoyed reading. I read every word, but it had been some time since I had curled up with a book of any kind. Somehow being stoned didn’t mesh well with reading – I always fell asleep, so I thought I would enjoy this time.

However, I couldn’t keep my mind on my book. My thoughts kept drifting back to the nurse, wondering just how many people had been here earlier, and why she seemed so surprised that Stephen was married. When I was sure he had dozed off, I got up, left my book on the chair next to my purse, and wandered out into the corridor. I didn’t see the older stout nurse, but I did see the one she had been whispering with at the desk just down the hall. I turned the opposite way having figured out yesterday, that if I turned the right way, I could make a circle of sorts through the halls ending up roughly where she was standing – I didn’t want to seem too obvious by just heading straight to her, and with any luck, the stout nurse would be there by the time I made it around. Sure enough, there she was, bustling around the desk, checking charts, placing papers in files and issuing orders to the other nurses. When she saw me approach she smiled saying, “Hello Mrs. Janowski – is your husband resting?”

Returning the smile I replied, “Yes, he dozed off a little while ago, so I thought I’d take a walk. I want to thank you for letting me stay and for taking such good care of him.”

“Oh that’s no problem at all. Had I known he was married I wouldn’t have tried to chase you out – hospital policy you know. After surgery like that he needs rest, what with all his friends here as soon as he was out of recovery, well… he needed some quiet time. I usually try to meet the family of my patients before the procedure, so there won’t be any confusion, but I haven’t seen you here before.” It was said as a statement, but there was a questioning tone in her voice.

“Oh, yes, I’m sorry I didn’t get to meet you sooner also - I was… I was out of town when the accident happened and he was admitted, but I’ll be here from now on.”

A strange expression crossed her face again; similar to the one she showed when I first announced I was Stephen’s wife. She looked at me with narrowed eyes, cocked her head and said, “Accident? He had surgery for a rectal fistula.” The tone of her voice was clear –
there was no accident
.

Feeling trapped in my own verbiage, I couldn’t think of a way to back up from the word ‘accident’, so I stammered, “Yes, the accident that caused the fissure.”

She had stopped shuffling papers, and was studying my face, assessing the situation. I tried again, “I’m sorry, I’m probably not saying that the right way - I’m not very good at medical things, but he did have surgery to fix a fissure, correct?” She nodded still watching me. “So, unless I’m mistaken, didn’t the fissure happen when he fell off the ladder – that’s the accident I was referring to.”

She started to shake her head, but caught something out of the corner of her eye and stopped. “Oh, here comes your husband’s doctor now. Dr. Reynolds would be better at answering that question than I am.

“Doctor,” she called motioning to a rather pudgy, dark haired man wearing wire rimmed glasses, around 50 years of age, “Doctor, this is Mrs. Janowski; she was just asking me about her husband’s surgery – it looks like you were heading towards his room, so I thought you might talk to her.”

The doctor hesitated, looked at the nurse, his eyes growing wider, and his brow furrowing as he stepped up, extended his hand and said, “Nice to meet you Mrs. Janowski, let’s go see your husband.”

“Nice to meet you too, doctor,” I said as I turned to follow him down the corridor into Room 312. “The nurse was saying Stephen came through the surgery very well and should have a full recovery,” I stated in my sweetest voice.

“Yes, well it appears so; that’s what I was coming to check,” he replied nodding to me as he touched Stephen’s shoulder waking him up.

“Mr. Janowski… Mr. Janowski, how are you doing?” he inquired. Stephen immediately opened his eyes, so he wasn’t sleeping. “I’ve just met your wife, Mr. Janowski; she’s inquiring about your condition. I don’t believe you mentioned a wife during our discussions at my office or on your paperwork. You’ll have to give me authorization before I can discuss your condition with her: is that going to be an issue?” His voice was firm showing only a slight hint of aggravation.

Stephen was silent, but I was outraged at what I just heard. “Of course he gives his ‘authorization’; I’m his wife for Christ’s sake… I just want to know how he is!”

Dr. Reynolds had been looking back and forth between the two of us, but now turned to me and stated, “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but privacy laws will not allow me to speak to you unless I have consent. We normally have these things straightened out beforehand, but until a few minutes ago, I had no idea you existed – I’m sorry, you do understand, I’m sure.”

I looked at Dr. Reynolds and then shot a look at Stephen - “Tell him, tell him it’s okay.”

Stephen closed his eyes, then opened them and lifted himself up onto his elbows to look at me. “I need to talk to my doctor alone, Jackie.”

The words blinded me. I could feel the room start to go dark, so I bit my lower lip trying to force myself to stay focused. In his best bedside manner, the doctor told me I’d have to leave while he did an examination. I shot daggers through my eyes at Stephen, turned on my heels, and walked towards the door. Mouthing off at the doctor wasn’t going to do any good.

The nurse, who had followed us, and had been standing in the doorway the whole time, smiled, put her arm around me, and said, “Come sit down out here by the nurse’s station until the doctor is finished – I’ll get you some coffee.”

Tears were filling my eyes. I was angry, humiliated. I felt stupid, I felt like a total fool. My throat tightened around a huge lump that seemed to be throbbing. The nurse handed me a cup of coffee smiling again with a look of… what was it… understanding? No it was pity.

The other nurses all went about their duties, some giving me sidelong glances, one offering Kleenex, but no one speaking, with half smiles, and that same look that kept saying
this girl has no idea what’s going on
–
poor thing!
I dried my eyes, staring into the coffee instead of drinking it, my mind sprinting in all directions at once. The one thing I couldn’t do was to look any of the nurses in the eye. I sat there for what seemed like an eternity, until finally spotting Dr. Reynolds walking towards me. He nodded his head and said, “It was nice to meet you Mrs. Janowski – your husband would like to talk to you for a minute, but you can’t stay long, he needs to rest.”

My teeth were clinched together; I was inhaling through my nose, trying to stay calm. I looked him in the eye, and as politely as humanly possible asked, “Are you sure you can’t tell me anything, I…”

He held up his pudgy hand like a stop sign and shook his head from side to side, “No, no ma’am, all I can tell you is that he’ll be fine. Nurse, why don’t you walk back to the room with Mrs. Janowski?” Then turning to me again he repeated, “Remember, don’t stay long, he’ll be much better tomorrow; we’re keeping him at least until Thursday, so you can always come back then.” He gave me a pleasant smile, and disappeared down the hall.

As the nurse and I entered the room, I checked out the man in the first bed, trying to discern if he was awake. He looked like he was still asleep, a slight bit of drool rolling down his chin. I hadn’t noticed before, but the middle bed where the old man had been was now empty –
I hope he’s okay,
I thought. “Call if you need anything,” the nurse said as she pulled the curtain shut leaving Stephen and me staring at each other.

“You’re lying again Stephen – I know you are, I can feel it.” He didn’t answer. “Why did you call me if you don’t want to tell me the truth about what happened? I’d never have known anything if you hadn’t called, why… why? Was it just the insurance card you needed?”

He just peered at the floor for the longest time, refusing to meet my eyes, “I didn’t mean to lie Jackie, I just… that’s why I didn’t want you to come back, I was afraid something like this would happen.”

Anger surged through me, “Are you saying it’s my fault because I came back here today, you motherfucker!?”

“No, that’s not it! Lower your voice for Christ’s sake.”

“I’ll speak in any voice I want. What is it then? Be straight with me for once in your life – just tell me the truth!”

“There’s nothing to be straight about. I told you – I fell off a ladder, plain and simple.”

“If it’s plain and simple and you fell off a ladder, then why wouldn’t you let the doctor talk to me? What the fuck are you hiding? And what the hell did the nurse mean when she said fissure?”

His head snapped up, and his eyes were filled with a look of contempt – “That old biddy has no idea what she’s talking about! I wanted to see my doctor in private because, shit… we’ve been separated for most of the year, you can’t expect me to just pretend nothing happened between us!”

“You son-of-a-bitch!”

“Stop yelling, I told you to lower your voice – I can’t deal with this now. Just go home Jackie, please just go home!”

I was starting to shake, grabbed my jacket, purse and book from the chair, whirled around and swung the curtain open. Pausing for a second I peered over my shoulder and said, “I
will
be back.”

As I left the room, I passed the stout nurse who was heading in the direction of Stephen’s room. She looked at me with that same sense of pity that I saw in her eyes before. Reaching out to touch my arm she said, “You take care on the way home now, Mrs. Janowski.” I exhaled, nodded in acknowledgment and left.

I stopped at a payphone in the hall on my way to the parking lot and called Mary Beth. With tears flowing down my cheeks, I told her I thought she was right. She had been dating a medical student, so I asked her to find out what she could about fissures and rectal fistulas. With any luck Kent would be able to save me time in the library reading things I didn’t want to read. My next call was to Michael asking if I could come over to the garage before heading to work. He was confused by my cryptic explanation of being in the general area, but told me to head on over, saying “See you soon beautiful,” as he hung up.

Seeing Michael, I was overtaken with emotion. I had dried my tears, and touched up my makeup in the ladies room at the hospital, but with one look he recognized that something was wrong, dropped the wrench he was holding, and moved to my side embracing me, and kissing my forehead while asking what had happened – was I alright?

“No, I’m
not
alright – I have to talk to you, I have to tell you what I’ve been doing the last two days and …” My eyes filled with tears for the umpteenth time. His brows furrowed, and a perplexed look came across his face. I watched as he picked up the wrench, unscrewed the top from some kind of metal jar, cleaned the grease off his hands with meticulous care and then pointed with his chin indicating that we should head upstairs to his small, but comfortable, apartment to talk.

I walked across the room, and sat down on the disheveled brown and green tweed couch in front of the TV. Michael just stood in the doorway looking at me. “Jackie, are you… Are you breaking up with me?” he asked.

“What?” I exclaimed, looking up at him, “No, oh my God, NO! What made you think that?”

The tenseness in his features relaxing some, he came to sit by me. “The last month or so, you’ve been so distant, preoccupied, I’ve never seen you quite like this before, and with Stephen back – I thought, when I saw you downstairs, when you said you needed to talk, well maybe that’s why you wanted to come here instead of me coming to the bar tonight…”

Shit!
I thought as he trailed off, realizing the depth of anxiety my horrible mood of the last couple months must have been causing him. Shit, I had withdrawn not wanting to hurt him with my thoughts about Stephen, and in the process managed to make him think that I was unhappy about being with him…
Holy shit I’m an idiot!
“Oh, Michael, no… That’s not it at all,” I said reaching for his hand as he put his arms around me and gathered me close. We stayed that way for several minutes, our breathing synchronizing as it slowed.

Then he put his hands on my shoulders, leaned me back from him, and looked me in the eyes, “Then whatever it is, just tell me, as long as you’re not here to dump me… just tell me what happened… give me a chance to be your knight in shining armor,” he said with a tone of humor, and a cunning smile.

“Hmph,” I snorted with an impish smile of my own, but looking down. “There’s nothing you can do – as much as I’d like to have a knight on my side right now, there’s nothing anyone can do, except… Well, I just need to tell you… I’ve seen him.”

I lifted my eyes up to see his reaction. His face was neutral, expressionless, however, I knew something was going on behind the façade; he was silent, but I felt a wave of apprehension go through him. I’d been honest with him from the beginning, telling him I was married, and that Stephen had gone gay, ending our relationship when he moved. He had asked me once if I was going to get a divorce, and all I did was shrug my shoulders dismissing the idea. He’d never asked anything else; we hadn’t talked about Stephen again until my meeting with Bernie, and finding out that he had returned to Chicago; but what I hadn’t told him was my fantasy about putting our relationship back together. I couldn’t tell him about that. I could barely admit it to myself, but now… now I wanted, needed to tell him what had just happened.