Love Again (19 page)

“Don’t leave!  I’m sure she’ll want to see you…”

I turned and looked at her she quickly snapped her jaw shut, “I need to get out of this hospital before I tear down doors to see her.  I’ll be back in the morning.”

The drive to my house was silent, my mind running a million miles a minute. 

I walked in my house and slammed the door, I walked over to the refrigerator and pulled out a cold beer.  Mom would know what to say to calm me down.

“Hey baby!” she said happily when she answered.

“Hey”

“What’s wrong?” She could tell by my tone something was wrong.

I blew out a breath I was about to drop the news to mom about Lennie, the girlfriend she didn’t even know I had. “I need your advice, just listen and I’ll tell you when I’m done.”  I started at the very beginning from the first day I met Lennie and finished with this evening.  There was a long silence but I could hear mom sniffling. 

“I’m so sorry Dominique, give me a minute to process everything.”

I grabbed another beer twisted the cap off, “You’ve gotta have some answers for me.  All I know is I love her more than any woman I’ve ever been with and this feels like I’m being torn a part from the inside out.”

“True love can really hurt sometimes but you’re strong willed and have a strong heart Dominique.  Be strong for you and her both.  What made you fall in love with her?” mom asked.

“Her personality, the way she lights up a room with her smile, I could listen to her talk for hours, when I kiss her I forget about everything around me—everything going on in life.  When I’m with her I want to make sure she knows that it’s only her and no other woman can even begin to compare to her.  I love everything about her, even the heart she guards so carefully, I love every fucking thing about her.”

“And she knows all of this?”

I chuckled, “Oh yeah, I scared the hell out of her when I told her I love her.  I can’t believe she was pregnant and didn’t tell me.” Tears fell down my face. 

“You need to get it out honey, if you hold all this emotion in…it won’t be good.” Mom said softly. 

So I did, I cried and cried—“I just want to see her.” I choked out.

“I know you do baby, Dominique she’s been through a lot this road to recovery is going to be long and hard.  Not just for her, it’s going to be hard on everybody that loves her.  She’s going to be scared, she ‘s going to be angry, and she’s going to be hurting inside.  This is where the true love will be tested the most.”

“Thanks for talking to me.” I wiped my hand down my face.

Mom chuckled through her own tears, “I’m always here for you no matter what, no matter what time of day.  I should however get to scold you for failing to tell your mother you were seeing someone.”

I laughed softly, “I know, it’s just that everything was moving so fast in such a short time I wasn’t sure if I was losing my mind.”

“Oh Dominique, I think you lost your mind with that Ava gal.  Maybe Lennie was just rewiring your brain to think properly.”

“Thanks mom…thanks a lot.” We both laughed. 

“Get some rest, buy some pretty flowers for her and go see her tomorrow.”

“Okay, I love you.” I told her.

“I love you too, you’ll get through this.  Unless, I never get to meet the woman that captured your heart.  I’ll hunt you down.  Night baby.”

“Night momma.”

No matter how hard I tried to sleep, I couldn’t.  Visiting hours didn’t open until ten the following morning and I wanted to be there as soon as they would allow people into patient’s rooms.  I managed to sleep for a few hours before my alarm went off.  I showered then dressed.  On my way out the door I called Tiffany. 

“Hey there, how’s she doing today?” She asked, sounding tired.

“I’m on my way there, you’re not going to believe what was discovered.” I told her.

“Do I even want to know?” she asked with a worried tone. 

“Well…she was three weeks pregnant.”

Tiffany didn’t respond for a few seconds, “Past tense?  My god Dominique…I don’t even know what to say!”

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen a doctor get so confused before.  I had no fucking clue Tiff, no clue.” My throat tightened.  “She never told me.”

“Maybe, she didn’t even know.  Do you know how hard it’s going to be on her when she finds out?” I slammed my hand down on the steering wheel, “Have they found Justin?” she finished.

“I need to be there when they tell her.  Not that I’m aware of, he was so deep in drugs and owed so much money to dealers I don’t see how he could possibly find a place to hide. 

“I’m at the florist, I’ll call you later.  And Tiffany, Thank you.”

I could tell it made her cry, she sniffled, “You’re like family to me I’m always here for you.”

Inside the flower shop I was looking at the roses when a lady walked up and stood beside me.  “I think the pink and red would be beautiful together.” I looked over at her.  Her eyes got big, “Oh…oh my god!  You’re Dominique Hastings!” she screeched.  “Can I please take a selfie with you?”

“Not today I’m kind of in a hurry.”

“Dang it!” she snapped her fingers.  Then I felt bad. 

“If you can put together the most beautiful bouquet of lilies and roses, I’ll do it.”

Her eyes got big, “Give me ten minutes!”

Did you know you could actually get a pretty bad fucking headache in a flower shop?  That was probably the longest ten minutes of my life.  I started sneezing, my head was pounding, if she didn’t hurry up I was pretty sure my throat was starting to close up too. 

“Here you are!” She put the massive bouquet on the counter, “Oh, yikes—I think you’re having some kind of allergy!”

I sneezed again, “Obviously.” I handed her my credit card.  “Mind if we take the selfie outside before I die in your shop?” I asked then sneezed again. 

I took deep breaths when we got outside, “What the fuck is in there that I’m allergic to?” I asked the lady. 

“I’m guessing the Goldenrod that was in with the Sunflowers, I’ll get rid of it ASAP.”

We took a few selfies together then I left. 

The hospital was bustling with nurses and doctors.  I went to the third floor nurses station.  “I’m here to see Lennie Ericson.” I set the bouquet on the desk. 

“Name please?” the lady never even looked up. 

“Dominique Hastings.”

Her head snapped up she blinked a few times, “Oh, oh…”

“Don’t please,” I looked at her nametag “Aleesha.” I held my hand up.  I still had a headache and couldn’t handle the screeching. 

“I’m sorry but the doctor has a list of people approved and I don’t see your name on here.” She gave me a confused look.

I leaned over the counter, sure enough the list she was holding only had David, Jennifer, Corrina, Henry and James.  “Please, I’ll let you take her the flowers I just need to see her.  I won’t go in the room.” I begged.

She pursed her lips and looked down each hallway, she motioned for me to hurry.  “You’re not getting in there, I could lose my job for doing this much.” She whispered as we walked briskly down toward Lennie’s room.  I stopped her from walking and handed her the flowers.  “Thank you.”

Aleesha nodded, “Sorry about that back there, I’ve only watched you on TV and seen you in magazines.  You’re breathtaking in person.”

I smiled and patted her shoulder, “I owe you.”

She pointed at the window as we approached, “I’ll take these in for you.”

Lennie was staring out the window, her hair pulled to the side and flowing over one shoulder.  I walked closer to the window, before Aleesha even walked in Lennie turned her head.  Our eyes connected through the glass.  The side of her face was bruised purple and black, her bottom and top lip cut and dry.  I swallowed hard, tears filled her eyes then she shook her head and looked away.  Aleesha put the flowers on a table in the corner of the room.  I couldn’t hear what was being said, but I knew when Lennie refused to look at me again…that it wasn’t good. 

Aleesha quietly shut the door behind her, “I’m sorry, she wants you to leave.”

I stared at Lennie, waiting for her to look at me again, my heart pounded in my chest. “Tell her I love her.” I told Aleesha then walked away. 

I could hear my dad talking to me but I couldn’t say anything to him.  I felt his hand grasping mine but I couldn’t squeeze his back.  He was crying, apologizing, he pressed his lips to my cheek and whispered, “Be strong baby girl, please be strong.  I’ll find him and he’ll regret doing this to you.”

In the early morning hours I opened my eyes, I knew I was in the hospital and I knew why I was there.  My entire body was felt so heavy with pain, my room was empty and dark.  I winced when I reached to push the call light button, I needed water so I could get the medicine and blood taste out of my mouth. 

“You’re awake!” A nurse whispered when she walked in and shut my call light off. 

I nodded my head, “Water—please?” my throat felt like I had swallowed cactus needles. 

After helping me take a few small sips she put the cup on the end table, “I need to tell the doctor you’re awake.”

“Okay.”

A few minutes later a short oriental lady walked in and introduced herself as Doctor Vizin.  “How are you feeling?”

I glared at her, “How do you think I’m feeling?”

She gave me a sad smile, “I’m sorry, I know you’re hurting.” She turned a tiny flashlight on and shined it on her hand.  “Let me look into your beautiful eyes.”

The light made my eyes water, “Everything hurts so bad.” I told her.

“I know sweetie, I’ll be out of here in just a few minutes and we’ll give you some meds for the pain.  You have quite a few people waiting to see you.” She told me.

“Who?”

“Well, your dad, your boyfriend…”

“I can’t see him…just my dad, Jennifer, Corrina, Henry and James.”

“You’re boyfriend was pretty upset I wouldn’t let him in here last night.”

I looked down at my hands, “I don’t want him to see me like this, he doesn’t need somebody so damaged.”

There was a tap on the door, the nurse Aleesha walked over and spoke softly to whoever was on the other side.  “It’s her dad and Jennifer.”

“They can come in.” I told her. 

Dad walked with fast strides to my bed, tears in his eyes, “I’m so sorry he did this to you!” He laid his head against my forehead.  Jennifer rubbed my arm as dad and I cried together.  Finally he stood up and looked at the doctor.  A look passed between them, “What?” I asked. 

Doctor Vizin stepped over to stand beside Jennifer, “I need to discuss your injuries with you.”

“Okay, I remember that he cut me on my side and remember seeing the marks on my leg.”

Vizin nodded, “Those will heal fine with minimal scarring, but,” she looked at dad before looking at me again.  “You lost the baby.”

The only sound that could be heard in the room was the rapid beating of my heart through the monitor I was connected to and the tick tock tick tock of the clock on the wall. 

“Excuse me?  I’ve been on birth control since I was fifteen.  I think you have the wrong chart.” I finally said.  The heart monitor started beeping faster as I waited for one of them to say it was a mistake.  How could I have been pregnant and not have known.  Hot tears fell down my cheeks, “Please don’t tell Dominique.”

“He found out last night.” Dad told me. 

I hiccupped with a sob, “I can’t see him he doesn’t need this mess in his life.”

“He’s worried about you, you should have seen the look on his face Lennie.  I thought he was going to rip the waiting room apart.” Jennifer squeezed my hand gently. 

I shook my head, “I can’t…”

Doctor Vizin interrupted me, “Why don’t you get some rest, I’ll make a note with approved visitors and leave it at the nurse’s station.  When you’re ready to see him you let me know.”

Dad kissed me again before they all left the room.  Once they were gone and the lights were out I cried.  I was angry, sad, confused, and not sure I would be strong enough to ever get past all of this.

~~~~~~

“Why can’t you just stay with me?” Corrina pleaded.

“I need to get out of here—for me.” I said as I put more clothes in my suitcases. 

“Dominique is hurting too you know.  Can’t you at least talk to him?”

We both sat down on the bed, it had been two weeks since I left the hospital and I had avoided Dominique’s calls and Jennifer met him at the door each time he showed up at my house.  “I need to get things right in my life I know that he’ll try to convince me to stay here.  I hate this city now, I’m scared that Justin is lurking around just waiting to attack me again.”

“He loves you—Dominique does I mean.”  Corrina said softly. 

“I don’t even love me right now!  When I look in the mirror I see a woman that is broken and sad.  I see a woman that scared and weak.  I’m not the same person he fell in love with, maybe what we was feeling was actually lust.”

Corrina jumped from the bed, “I can’t hear you say that about yourself Lennie!  You’re not weak you’re strong!  You’ve been through so much in your life, you can get through this, let somebody help you.  Please?” she was crying.

I stood up and hugged her, “I’m going to that’s why I can’t stay here.  Dad’s got the extra space and one of the best psychologists lined up for me.”

“I don’t want you to go.”

I laughed, “You’ll just have to come see me, it’ll give you a good reason to get away from your busy life for a weekend.”

I pulled away from her and wiped her cheeks, “You know that if I thought I could stay here and be able to move on that I would.”

Corrina nodded her head, “I know, it just sucks.”

We finished packing my stuff, I would have a moving company come get the rest of my things the following week.  After dad loaded the last of my bags in the car, him and Jennifer waited outside for me.   I had Henry put my house on the market for far less than what I had paid for it, I gave Corrina the keys and hugged her.  “I’ll call you when we get there.”

She hugged me tight, “Please do, I love you so much.” Then she tucked something inside of my purse.  “Read this when you are ready.” She whispered. 

The drive from Chicago to Fair Lawn, New Jersey would take eleven hours or so.  Dad and Jennifer both hugged Corrina before the three of us got in the rental car.  This was the beginning of my recovery, watching my best friend cry as we pulled away from my house ripped my already broken heart to shreds but if I wanted to heal…I had to leave. 

I debated on pulling the envelope out of my purse and reading what was inside of it but I couldn’t bring myself to. 

~~~~~~

Dad and Jennifer’s house was a beautiful two story Victorian in a quiet neighborhood.  I had slept most of the ride but was still exhausted by the time we finished carrying my luggage and boxes inside.  My room was on the second floor, the pale blue walls and white bedding made it feel airy and relaxing.  “Is this the master?” I asked.

Dad smiled, “Nope, the master is even bigger!  But if you want it, I’m sure Jen would trade.”

I sat down on the bed, the softness of the comforter and bed calling my name for sleep.  “Nope, I love this room.”

“Are you sure?” Jennifer asked.

I nodded, “Love it!  I’m going to take a nap when I wake up I’ll unpack.”

“No rush, get some rest.  If you need anything let me know.” Dad kissed my forehead.  “I love you.”

Then Jennifer walked over and sat down beside me, “I love you too, I’m here for you.”

Tears threatened to fall from my eyes “I love you both, thank you for letting me come stay here.”

“You’re welcome here for as long as you want to stay.” Jennifer patted my leg then yawned.  “Night sweetie.”

After they left the room, I took one of the sleeping pills I had been prescribed and waited for sleep to claim me.  The last thing that I always seen before I closed my eyes at night was, Dominique’s blue eyes filled with pain as we stared at each other through the glass at the hospital window. 

~~~~~~

The psychologist I visited with was amazing, I was hesitant to open up to a man but Doctor Brenton put me at ease the very first time we met.  He was my dad’s age and very laid back, he insisted that I call him by his first name, “I can’t perform brain surgery or heart surgery so I prefer Brenton.” He said with a big smile as I shook his hand. 

“How are you liking Fair Lawn?” He asked.  It had been seeing him twice a week for over a month now. 

“I love it here, Jennifer’s flower garden in their backyard is an amazing place for me to relax and reflect on my thoughts.”

“And you’re still keeping a journal, right?”

“Yes, it really is helping.  I’m not even close to being where I want to be but each day a little piece of me heals.”

“You’re correct, some days are going to be easier than others.  Today is going to probably be a hard session for you.  I think we need to talk about your and Justin’s relationship.”

My stomach knotted up, “O…okay.”

“Take your time, if it gets to be too much you can stop.  It doesn’t have to all come out in one session, Lennie.”

“I’m going to lie down on the couch for this.” I smiled at him.

He gestured to the tan overstuffed couch, “Be my guest.”

“Kick your footrest up, we’re going to be here a while.”

He laughed, “Don’t mind if I do.  This is very unprofessional by the way.”

We both laughed. 

Over the next hour, I cried about my failed marriage and got angry about the things Justin had said to me.  When Brenton asked me about the day that Justin abducted me, I had to take a few minutes to gather up the encouragement to tell him, I had only went in to detail with the detective so they could have a good report about it.  Brenton listened never interrupting me until I had nothing left in me to cry and the room was silent. 

“I know that was hard for you, but, it’s what you need.  One of your goals we set in the beginning is for you to realize that you are a beautiful strong woman.  I want you to tell yourself that every time you look in the mirror, Lennie.”

I smiled, “I do feel a little bit better getting it all out.  It still hurts though and I’m still scared he’s going to find me again.”

Brenton leaned forward, “You’re safe here, trust me, you’re safe.  Now my next suggestion is going to sound invasive but hear me out okay?”

I nodded.

“The journal you’ve been keeping, I would like to read.  I won’t copy or share anything obviously.  That journal is all you, raw and deep.  It will help me help you.”

“Okay, but it’s pretty sloppy.” I told him.

“Is what I plan to do you is make notes about things that I think will help you with your recovery.”

“Okay.” I nodded.

“I’ll see you Friday bring it with you that will give me all weekend to take notes. Monday we can discuss things in it.”

I stood up, “I’ll see you Friday.”

~~~~~~

Four months into my recovery I started volunteering at a local youth center, I was amazed at how many under privileged children attended the after school program.  Kids from the ages of seven to seventeen came every day.  One eight year old boy name Marshall caught my attention right away and quickly became attached to me. 

“How was school today?” I asked him while he ate the meal provided by the center.

He shrugged his shoulders, “I got made fun of because I didn’t have permission to play on the flag football team.”

Although I had never met his parents, some of the staff had filled me in on their situation.  His mom was in and out of treatment for drugs and his dad worked three jobs to try and keep their apartment and food for the kids. 

“Daddy forgot to sign the paper.” He said with sadness.

“I can call and see if they’ll let me sign for you, if you want me to?” The school districts worked very close with the center and understood all of the children’s situations. 

Marshall’s eyes got big, “You can do that?”

“Give me ten minutes!  Finish up your meal then start your homework.” I patted his head as he nodded frantically. 

Thirty minutes later I was finally off of the phone after yelling at and pleading with, the director of youth sports. 

I found Marshall playing catch with a kid a few years older than him, “Watch me Lennie!” He launched the ball at the other kid.  The white threads of the football blurred in a perfect spiral, right into the other kid’s hands.