Lost to You (8 page)

Christian’s couch had become my spot, and I relished in it now, snuggled against the plush fabric as I tried to maintain focus on my homework.

He sat on the floor, his legs stretched out beneath the coffee table and his back against the sofa. That head of black hair teased me from where it rested just at the juncture of where I had my knees bent. Tonight it was all over the place, sticking up in every direction. His hands continually came up to rush through it as if he were frustrated—probably because he was. If I wanted to, I could reach out and
touch
, run my fingers through the softness. I could only imagine how his head would tilt back in undeniable pleasure, could almost hear a low rumble emitted from deep within his chest, how the sound would vibrate up my arm and cover me whole.

My hand twitched.

Sometimes that desire was so great I almost gave in to it, but we both always pushed it aside because the friendship we shared was so much greater than any fleeting attraction could ever be.

We studied together almost every night, but it wasn’t uncommon for us to get distracted, many times talking into the deep hours of the night about everything and anything. While we were so much the same, there was also so much between us that was different—the way we looked at life and our goals for the future. Streaks of selfishness were so blatantly obvious in some of Christian’s words, the things he would say that would take me aback, reminding me of how distinctly different we were.

But here in this place, with Christian on the floor and me on his couch, those things couldn’t touch us. I settled into that safety, this place that was ours, where Christian was comfortable enough to put all those pretenses aside.

Christian groaned from the floor and his head dropped back onto my leg. He cut his blue eyes my direction. “This sucks ass.”

“What sucks?” I trained my attention on my book in front of me and kept writing, pretending I didn’t love the way he felt against me, that I didn’t savor in the slight pressure that slipped through my jeans and caressed my skin, that I didn’t love the sound of his voice even when it projected the most ridiculous words.

I already knew what was coming.

“This class sucks, is what.” A mischievous grin lighted at the edge of his lips. “Seriously, when do they think we’re ever going to use any of this garbage? It’s a complete waste of time.”

I laughed and nudged him with my leg. His body rocked a little then settled farther against mine. “Don’t you know that’s what college is about...students spending years gathering useless information they’ll never use again, going hopelessly into debt, just so they feel smarter than the rest of their family? I mean, that’s why I worked so hard to get here, anyway.” Sarcasm rolled off my tongue. He was such a whiner. For being one of the smartest guys I knew, he sure found a way to complain about every subject, every night. I subtly rolled my eyes. Clearly, he liked the sound of his voice as much as I did.

One side of his mouth tipped up with the cutest smile that perfectly matched the tilt of his head. “Fine, it’s not
useless
.” He reached up and pinched my thigh. “But right now, I can’t think of a single time in my life when I’m going to use it.”

A vain attempt was made at ignoring the heat spreading up my leg. “Quit complaining. You’re going to kick ass at Trivial Pursuit.”

This time he really laughed. It vibrated through the cushions and crawled across my skin. I tried to hold in the smile, tried to memorize the way it made me feel.

From the top of the coffee table, the sharp ring of Christian’s phone sliced into the room.

Of course, Christian’s phone rang constantly. I was never so blunt to ask who was calling, found I’d rather not know if it was some girl on the line. The truth was, I didn’t want to know anywhere he went or what he did once he walked me back to my apartment each night. He had no obligation to me, but that didn’t mean I could stomach knowing who he was running off to jump in bed with the second I was out of his sight.

Glancing at the screen, he lifted his face to the ceiling and exhaled heavily before he answered. “Hello.”

These were the only times when I paid attention, when I turned my ear to the conversation happening beside me. I listened when they caused Christian’s shoulders to sag and sucked his light from the room. I was disgusted by it. His parent’s pressures were so ingrained in him, held him hostage in a place I was sure Christian didn’t even know he was a prisoner. Every time they called, it was the same, never questioning how he was but what he had done, what he had achieved, pushed him some more. I’d slowly begun to hate them, resenting them for forcing their son toward something that was so obviously holding him back. Christian insisted this was what he wanted for his life, and I knew part of him truly did want to be an attorney, but I could clearly see striving toward his father’s goals for him was more of a burden than a blessing.

“Hi, Dad.”

Through the phone, I could hear his father start right into him. The words were muffled, but a clear hostile coercion.

“Yeah, I got it.”

“No, Dad...I already did.”

Christian dropped his head, his fingers tugging at the ends of his hair. “I’m doing the best job I can,” he said, strained.

“What else do you expect me to do?”

Knots formed in my belly as I listened to the one-sided conversation, caught bits of the unfounded criticism, the unjustified berating.

“Fine,” Christian mumbled.

“You are?” Surprise loudened the two words, followed by a frustrated sigh.

“Just let me know when.”

His father ended the call before Christian was given a chance to say goodbye.

It made my heart hurt. I reached out and touched him, my fingers light on his shoulder. This was not giving in. This was being there for my friend.

“Hey.”

He didn’t respond, just drew his knees up from under the table and wrapped his arms around them. Christian was always larger than life, but right then, he reminded me of a little boy.

“Please don’t let them do this to you, Christian. You’re amazing, and if they can’t see it, then they’re completely blind.”

The shake of his head was short and buried in his arms. “Fuck,” he groaned in a gravelly breath, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands, then cut them over to me with his cheek pressed against his forearm. “I’m going to prove him wrong, Elizabeth. I’m going to be the best damned attorney, and he’ll never be able to say another word to me about it.”

Worry cinched my lips into a thin line. This was the Christian who scared me the most, the one who couldn’t see what his parents were doing to him, the one who, instead of fighting against it and living for what he wanted, ran head first into it. Part of me had to understand the desire to please the ones who cared about us, but I didn’t believe Christian’s parents had his best interest at heart.

“It doesn’t have to be that way, Christian. What about what you want? Is this really it? Killing yourself to be the absolute best in everything you do?”

Lines creased between his eyes, his mouth twisting up in set determination. “I’ll do whatever it takes, Elizabeth. Nothing is going to stand in my way.”

I closed my eyes to block myself from the hardened expression on his face.

He forced a large breath of air from his lungs. “I don’t feel like dealing with this shit tonight. You want to get out of here?”

I looked up to find Christian maneuvering around to stand. It was almost ten, an hour or so earlier than when I usually left his place. Christian would always walk me home, then go and do whatever he did after he left me at my door.

Frowning, I attempted to decipher his intent, because it’d sounded like an invitation. “Where do you want to go?”

“There’s a party at my friend Sam’s. I have to stop by. His birthday was yesterday, and we’re celebrating it tonight.”

Oh, no way, no thank you
. I sat up and began gathering my things.

“I’ll just go home so you can head over,” I said with feigned indifference. This was my safe place, the place where it was just Christian and me. I didn’t venture into his other world, the one that lit up his phone every weekend. “I’m pretty tired, anyway.”

Christian inched forward and reached out as if he wanted to touch me, but had no intention of actually doing it. “I’d...would you just come?” The hard lines were gone, sincere blue eyes in their place. “I don’t feel like going over there by myself tonight.”

Dropping my chin, I bit at my lip as he waited for an answer. Truly, I didn’t want to go, didn’t want to stray from the comfort zone we’d erected around us, but I didn’t know how to resist him when he looked at me like that.

I glanced down at my old T-shirt and faded jeans. “I’m not really dressed to go out.”

“We’ll stop by your place on the way so you can change and leave your stuff there.” He grinned. “And it’s not like you could ever look bad, Elizabeth.”

I rolled my eyes at him, hating the little flutter that palpitated my heart whenever he said things like that. We both knew flattery was really unnecessary since it was obvious he had already talked me into it.

“Fine.”

I gathered my stuff, slipped into my jacket, and hefted my backpack onto my shoulders. I followed Christian out and down his hall. He pulled open the stairwell door and extended his arm to hold it open, though he remained in front of me, as if he might need to catch me if I were to trip and fall. The stairwell always seemed much too tight, the walls like a barrier that held in all the energy that radiated between us.

Outside the air was crisp, the night alive. I breathed it in, hoping to quell my racing nerves. I could do this. Christian was my friend, and it wasn’t fair for me to avoid every other aspect of his life that didn’t involve me. I’d made it clear before that I wanted to know him, really know him, and how could I if the only time I spent with him was behind his apartment door?

His hands were shoved in his pockets, his stride strong, but slowed to sync with mine as he walked alongside me. “So...” He breathed out, puffing out his cheeks as he did. “Turns out my parents are coming here for Thanksgiving after all.”

“Really? Is that what your dad called about?” I lifted a brow. Originally, his parents were supposed to be out of the country for the holiday. “You sound thrilled about it.”

An incredulous sound slipped from his mouth. “A perfect night in Hell...Thanksgiving dinner at some stuffy restaurant with my dad harassing me the entire time.
Can’t wait
.”

We walked a couple steps in silence before Christian fixed his gaze on me.

“Why don’t you come with me?”

Laughter bubbled up at the absurdity, but I held it in when I realized he remained silent, waiting.
Oh
. He was serious. I frowned. This sounded like a really bad idea. I couldn’t stand his parents, and I hadn’t even met them yet. “Don’t you think that’s a little bit weird? I mean, won’t they get the wrong idea or something?”

“Maybe.” A small shrug of his shoulders discounted it. “But I don’t really care. Let them think whatever the hell they want. I just don’t want to go by myself, and I don’t want you sitting at home by yourself on Thanksgiving, either. At least if you’re there, my dad will lay off me a little. He wouldn’t want to look like the asshole he is in front of someone he doesn’t know.”

“So what you’re saying is you want me to protect you from your parents?”

“Exactly.” He knocked into me, jostling my body slightly to the side, the weight gone from his face as he laughed. “No, Elizabeth, you’re my best friend. Who else would I want to spend Thanksgiving with?”

His words struck me, and I warmed from head to toe. That was really all I needed. I slowed to the point of barely walking, turning completely to face Christian at my side. “You’re my best friend, too, Christian. You know that, right?”

He didn’t say anything. He didn’t need to. The expression on his face said it all. He was all sweet, adoring, had that look that always warned how easily we could slip. Fall. I drew in a deep breath and turned ahead.

“So? You’re coming?” he prodded as I stepped in front of him to open my building door.

“Of course I’ll come.”

He followed me inside and up the stairs. “Guess I managed to talk you into two things you didn’t want to do tonight.” He was so close behind me, his breath rustled through my hair.

“Um, yeah...I guess you did.”

“Must be my lucky night.”

I glanced over my shoulder at the smirk I already knew would be waiting there. The lightness in his tone warned me he’d made the flip to that cocky boy I’d met the first time in the café. I figured I’d be dealing with him all night since we were heading over to his friends’, although I wasn’t entirely sure what to expect.

I played along, smirked back. “Yeah, I’m sure it will be. Let’s see what little tramp you end up ditching me for tonight. Do you prefer blondes or brunettes?”

Laughter rang out and ricocheted on the brick walls, a thunder that pounded in my chest.

He reached out and tugged on a strand of my hair. “Blondes, of course, Elizabeth. And did you just say tramp?”

“Yep, sure did.”

“Oh, you’re going to make all kinds of new friends tonight.”