Lost Innocence (23 page)

‘Loads if it’s carbonara … Oh for God’s sake!’ he cried, leaping up as Alicia spooned tomato sauce on to his pasta and it splashed on to the front of his shirt. ‘Look what you’ve done, you
stupid
woman. What’s the matter with you? I can’t wear this …’

‘Nathan!’ Craig barked.

Nathan turned in horror to see his father glaring at him thunderously from the doorway. ‘But look what she …’

‘Go into the sitting room
now
,’ Craig growled, his dark eyes showing real anger.

Ashen-faced, Nat left the table and skulked past his father into the hall. His father smelled of sweat and cold air and a faint hint of booze.

Once the sitting-room door had closed, Craig tugged the towel from round his neck and slammed it into the arm of the sofa. ‘Don’t you
ever
let me hear you speak to your mother like that again, do you hear me?’ he roared.

Nat’s head was hanging as he nodded.

‘Answer me.’

‘Yes, I hear you,’ Nat said.

‘Sit down there,’ Craig said, pointing to the sofa.

Knowing better than to cross his father when he was in this kind of mood, Nat slumped into the sumptuous cream leather cushions.

‘Your mother is the most important person in your life,’ Craig told him harshly. ‘I hope you realise that.’

‘Yes, of course,’ Nat mumbled.

‘She loves you, and I know you love her, but love isn’t always enough, son. It has to come with respect, and what I heard just now showed no respect at all. Is that how you feel about her, that she’s unworthy of your respect?’

‘No, of course not.’

‘Do you ever hear me speak to her like that?’

‘No, never.’

‘Then why did you?’

‘I don’t know. I mean, I was angry, because … Look at my shirt.’

‘I don’t care about your damned shirt, it’s your attitude that’s
the problem. You’ve got a date tonight, with a girl who matters to you, yes? But what good are you to her if you don’t know how to treat her right?’

‘Dad, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean what I said …’

‘It’s too late. The words are out. This is a lesson in thinking before you speak.’

‘Yes, Dad.’

‘You’ll apologise to your mother before you go a step further tonight.’

‘Of course.’

‘And you’ll launder the shirt yourself as a punishment.’

Nat nodded, relieved that he was getting off so lightly. Then came the killer blow.

‘Now you’ll call your new girlfriend and tell her you’re sorry, but you can’t make it tonight after all, then you’ll go to your room and write an essay on respect.’

Nat was staring at him in horrified protest. ‘Dad, no. Please … I swear I didn’t mean to be rude. I’ll apologise to Mum, I’ll do anything you say, but please don’t stop me going out tonight.’

Craig was adamant. ‘One day, when you’ve qualified as a lawyer,’ he said, ‘and you’re dealing most of the time with men who physically and verbally abuse their wives, mothers, girlfriends, you’ll remember this day, and you’ll understand that their monstrous behaviour starts in the home. They’re almost always carbon copies of their fathers, and that’s not who I am, Nat. I despise those men, and I won’t tolerate you behaving anything like them. I respect your mother. I love her more than I’m capable of putting into words. That’s how I want you to be with the girls you meet, always respectful and one day, when the right one comes along, loving and loyal too. Does that sound like good advice?’

‘Yes,’ Nat nodded.

‘Is that who you’re going to be? Someone who’s respectful, loving and loyal?’

‘Yes,’ Nat promised.

‘Craig, that’s enough now,’ Alicia said, coming into the room. ‘He’s sorry and you shouldn’t be taking your frustrations out on him.’

* * *

Realising his mother had come awake and was watching him, Nat looked at her and smiled.

‘What are you thinking about?’ she whispered, touching his face.

He grimaced and slanted his eyes away. ‘Actually, it was the time Dad told me off for not respecting you,’ he answered. ‘Do you remember how ballistic he went?’

‘I do,’ she said, sitting a little straighter. ‘He was going through a difficult time.’

Nat’s interest perked. ‘What do you mean?’ he asked carefully.

Alicia wiped her hands over her face and stifled a yawn. She wasn’t going to tell him that it was guilt and self-loathing for betraying her that had made his father so angry that night, but she could tell him what else had been on Craig’s mind.

After sending Nat into the kitchen, Alicia closed the sitting-room door behind him and said, ‘They’re good lessons, Craig, because he should respect women, but we both know that outburst was more about you and how you’re feeling than it was about what he said.’

Craig didn’t even try to deny it. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said, pushing his hands through his hair. ‘I know I overreacted, but it’s tearing me apart the way we’re not as close as we used to be. I wish to God I could turn back the clock, or do something to prove to you that every time I’m out late, or working away from home, or even taking a phone call, there’s nothing to worry about. You mean everything to me …’ He rubbed a fist into his eyes, then to her alarm she realised he was crying.

‘I’m sorry,’ he gulped, as she came to comfort him. ‘It’s not just us … I had some news today …’ His eyes closed as the awfulness of it swept over him again. ‘You remember the arsonist case in Bristol?’ he said.

She frowned. ‘That was months ago,’ she replied, ‘and wasn’t it thrown out?’

He nodded. ‘I got it dismissed on a technicality. The arresting officer hadn’t followed proper procedure …’He took a breath. ‘The slimeball of an arsonist has struck again,’ he said. ‘A young mother lost both her children in a fire last night.’ His final
words were choked with remorse and as he buried his face in Alicia’s shoulder she held him close. ‘Why the hell didn’t that damned police officer do her job properly?’ he growled. ‘All she had to do was make sure he understood his godamned rights … But I blame myself. I knew he was likely to re-offend, but I stuck to the law and made her look a fool in court. My pathetic victory has cost an innocent woman everything that matters in the world. Jesus Christ, what’s the matter with me, Alicia? Why am I getting everything so wrong?’

When she had finished telling the story Alicia gazed into Nat’s eyes, and felt her heart turn over to see how troubled he was for his father. Nat’s conscience had the same integrity, which was too much, some would say, for a lawyer, but they were the cynics who hadn’t had the privilege of dealing with someone like Craig Carlyle.

‘So that’s why he was so upset with me that night,’ Nat said. ‘He had all that going on in his head?’

And more
, she was thinking.

‘It wasn’t his fault though, was it?’ Nat said.

She shook her head. ‘The blame lay squarely with the arsonist, but Dad felt responsible, even though he was only doing his job.’

Nat went on thinking about it for a moment. ‘Is this bloke in prison now?’ he asked.

‘Yes. He went down for life, but Dad didn’t play a part in his trial.’
He just gave all his money to the victims’ family, which is why we’re in the financial mess we are now
, she didn’t add. But at least she had her children, and no amount of money could ever make up for losing them.

Nat nodded. A small light started to shine in his eyes as he said, ‘You got him to back down about my date with Summer, remember?’

Alicia smiled. ‘You still had to write the essay though.’

He rolled his eyes. ‘Tell me about it. It took me a whole week to come up with two thousand words on respect.
And
I had to launder the shirt.’

She laughed.

He looked down at his hands, resting in hers. ‘He was pretty special, wasn’t he?’ he said quietly.

She thought of the betrayal, but then she thought of his kindness and love, the joy and pride he’d taken in his children, and the integrity that had been so much more a part of him than the weaknesses. ‘Yes,’ she whispered, still not used to speaking about him in the past tense, ‘yes, he was.’

Chapter Ten

‘Apparently things have changed since our day,’ Rachel commented drily over lunch the following Tuesday. ‘Sounds to me more like an orgy than a party. I bet Jemima and Bob McAllister didn’t know anything about it.’

‘I’m sure you’re right,’ Alicia agreed, tearing off a piece of bread. ‘I’m told they’re in Greece for a month.’

‘Lucky them. So did Nat get involved, do you know?’

Alicia shook her head as she ate. ‘I guess he wouldn’t tell me if he did, but according to him he only had one beer and a brief chat with Annabelle before he left. Apparently she was high as a kite.’

‘Now why doesn’t that surprise me?’

‘According to Simon that particular set is well known for the kind of things they get up to, so I definitely don’t want Annabelle anywhere near Darcie. I think Robert will understand, because he’s already suggested that it might not be a good idea.’

‘Are you going to tell him about the party?’

Alicia sighed. ‘I don’t know. I feel I should, but Nat doesn’t want me to. He says everyone will know it’s come from him, and that’s not going to make a great start for him, even though he’s not particularly interested in becoming part of that set.’

‘Mm, a difficult one,’ Rachel murmured, and smiled up at the waitress who came to deliver their plates of fresh gambas.

They were in the garden of the Traveller’s under a large blue parasol that sheltered their picnic table completely from the sweltering sun, and overlooked the quiet high street the other side of the wall.

‘Anyway, I’m glad you dropped in,’ Alicia said, shaking out her napkin. ‘I was in need of a break – and actually, I have some news.’

‘Oh?’ Rachel responded, all ears.

Alicia grimaced, as her heart contracted. ‘I had a call from my solicitor in London this morning. The house sale is now complete. So,’ she went on, picking up her wine, ‘shall we drink to my new life?’

Looking as concerned as she felt as she reached for her Coke, Rachel said, ‘How well are you really taking it?’

Alicia thought of all their lovely furniture, the paintings and rugs she and Craig had chosen together, the tables, sofas, beds, the beautiful bathrooms and state-of-the-art kitchen, and felt as though something deep inside her was being taken apart. ‘Badly,’ she admitted, ‘but thankful it’s happening at a distance. It would feel a lot harder if I was still there.’

‘Of course. You did the right thing leaving before it all went through. This way the real break’s already happened. How did Nat take it?’

‘I haven’t told him yet. He knows the completion’s imminent, but I don’t want to make a big thing of it. If he asks I’ll tell him, otherwise I’ll just let him assume it’s done.’

‘Where is he today?’

‘Gone to the cricket again. I can’t make him spend his whole holiday cooped up in the shop, so I’m doing the ceiling myself, as you can see by my hair.’

Rachel smiled at the random white blobs that speckled Alicia’s fringe and ponytail. ‘Staying with the shop and your new life,’ she said, breaking open a prawn, ‘Dave’s been doing some ringing around for you regarding permits, et cetera. He’s printed out what he’s found so far …’ Wiping her hands on a paper napkin, she reached into her bag and pulled out a small buff envelope. ‘Basically, if you’re going to do it legally, and you won’t want to do it any other way, then I’m afraid there’s no chance of opening for at least six weeks, and even then you might still have to wait before you can actually work in the studio.’

Alicia’s appetite died as despair folded around it. ‘Why can’t anything ever be easy?’ she murmured in frustration.

‘From what I can tell,’ Rachel went on, ‘you have to start with a change-of-use application to register the place as an arts and crafts shop. The fee is £335, which you send together with details of how many square metres will be used for retail, and how many for workshop. You need to list the kind of equipment you’ll be using to make your sculptures, which is where the big delay could kick in, because, as we know, you do a lot of welding, and to get that cleared you have to contact the environmental protection people and building control. Possibly the fire brigade too. It’s all there, most of it as time-wasting and farcical as you might expect when dealing with the local authorities.’

Alicia’s face was paling with strain.

‘However, the good news is,’ Rachel continued in an upbeat tone, ‘Dave has a contact at the planning office who’s going to try to fast-track things for you, and we’ll come round later with the kids to help you measure the place up.’

As Alicia looked at her, she was barely registering what Rachel was saying. ‘How could I have been so stupid?’ she said. ‘Why didn’t I realise I’d have all these official channels to go through? I’m like some idiot airhead who thinks everything’s possible just because it feels like a good idea.’

‘You’re new to this, so how could you know?’ Rachel said defensively. ‘And besides, no one can be expected to think straight when they’re going through as much as you are.’

Alicia still looked annoyed with herself.

‘It’s going to work out, I promise,’ Rachel told her firmly. ‘It’ll just take a little longer than you’d hoped.’

‘But I don’t have time on my side. I have to start earning soon or God knows what we’ll do.’

‘OK, Dave and I have talked about this…I know you’re probably going to say no, but hear me out…’

‘I’m not taking a loan. It’s the quickest way to lose friends, and losing you isn’t an option.’

‘I’m not offering a loan. I’m offering to buy into your business. I can be a sleeping partner, or a shareholder if you like, and take a percentage cut of the profits when they come. Meanwhile, you’ll have a little capital to tide you over.’

Alicia was shaking her head. ‘It’s a wonderful offer, but I know what a terrible mess the property market’s in, so with Dave’s income being reduced…’

‘He has six rental properties on the outskirts of Frome,’ Rachel reminded her. ‘If anything, they’re in greater demand than ever, so we’re a long way from having to exist on my income alone.’