Looking for Andrew McCarthy (17 page)

‘What? What do you want?’

Momentarily blinded, it took her a second to focus on the tall blond character in the doorway.

‘Um … hello. Yeh, um,’ she scratched nervously, ‘I’m looking for Andrew?’

‘Yeah? What do you want?’

‘Um … well, is Andrew in?’

‘I’m Andrew. What is this?’

Julia stepped up and out of the car.

‘Jeez, what are you two – Interpol?’

Ellie stood frozen to the spot and just stared at him.

‘Oh God … I’m … I’m sorry,’ she eventually choked.

‘You’re that girl that phoned me yesterday aren’t you?’

‘No.’

‘Yeah, right, tons of British girls phone me every day.’

He smiled and relaxed a little and slowly shook his head. He looked like a surfer.

‘Did you have your autograph book and camera all ready?’

Ellie nodded mutely. He smiled.

‘It’s only the seven billionth time I’ve been mistaken for him in Los Angeles. Although it’s been pretty quiet lately. Sorry I sounded pissed yesterday, but really, why do people think celebrities would put themselves in the phone book? Hi there,’ he said to Julia, who’d wandered over to join them.

‘We’re so sorry to bother you.’

‘Not at all,’ he said. ‘Usually it’s hysterical Japanese girls who turn up at 2am then just giggle at me. What were you two doing?’

‘Oh, nothing much,’ said Ellie, twisting her hands.

‘Well, you’ve interrupted my work now,’ he said, looking at Julia. ‘Do you want an iced tea or something?’

‘No we don’t want to make any porn thank you,’ said Ellie quickly.

‘Oh, no, we wouldn’t want to intrude …’ said Julia.

‘Don’t worry – come out back and sit by the pool. Your friend looks a bit – what is it you Brits say? – hot and bothered?’

‘I am not,’ said Ellie crossly.

‘Darling, you’re a hot cross bun,’ said Julia decisively. ‘Okay. Thanks. We’d like to. I’m Julia.’

‘Andrew,’ he said, putting out his hand.

‘Yes, we knew that,’ said Julia, shaking it.

Andrew McCarthy II had a luxuriant back lawn with a small swimming pool and smart garden furniture, and, at the moment, Ellie sitting under a black umbrella wearing a deerstalker.

‘It’s all I had I’m afraid,’ he said apologetically, bringing out three very welcome cold drinks.

‘That’s okay!’ squeaked Ellie, fully aware of being red-faced, peeling and dressed ridiculously in front of someone who was clearly a bit of a blond, floppy-haired hunk.

‘So what do you do, gets you a place like this?’ asked Julia.

‘I write straplines,’ said Andrew. Then, when their faces failed to register, ‘the bit that goes on the bottom of a movie poster to get you to watch it. Like “This Time, It’s Personal”.’

‘What was that?’

‘That was
Jaws III
,’ said Andrew. ‘I didn’t write it. But that’s the kind of thing I do.’

‘How personal can a shark be?’ wondered Ellie aloud from the sunbed, wondering if constantly talking would render her worth investigating beyond just the skin deep. Well, several layers of skin deep. She sighed. ‘What does he do, make remarks about your weight before he chomps you in half?’

‘Shh,’ said Julia. ‘I think that’s a really interesting job.’ And she smiled winningly.

Ellie looked at Andrew’s muscled forearms and reflected that he was the most interesting job around here.

‘Thanks,’ he said, looking at them both. ‘But I do a lot of straight to video stuff too. They like it pretty basic. Ooh, that’ll work – “They Like It Pretty Basic”. That should do for
Basic Desires
. It’s a movie about a guy who has sex with prostitutes then …’

‘Kills them, yes. Is C. Thomas Howell in it?’

‘Thom Howell? No, not this one. Do you know him?’

‘Yes, quite well actually,’ said Ellie.

‘Cool. Nice guy. So, what brings you to LA? Apart from pestering minor celebrities of course.’

‘No, that was pretty much it,’ said Julia.

‘You’re kidding.’

‘Nope. Ask the Hedgehog.’

‘Oh yeah, make out like it was all my idea,’ said Ellie, who was getting hot and sticky underneath the hat.

‘Hedgehog. It was all your idea,’ said Julia, and Andrew laughed. Ellie did not like the way this was going at all.

‘So are you working on any other emotional animal movies?’ she asked.

‘Just one. It’s about a man and a cat who get together and solve crimes.’

‘“The Purrfect Combination”!’ said Julia.

‘Hey – yeah! You’d be good at this.’

‘But that’s shit!’ said Ellie. ‘Sorry Julia. But it is though.’

They both looked at her.

‘The film’s shit too though,’ said Andrew. ‘So, it’s kind of the point. You write the strapline so you know what kind of film to expect.’

‘Anyway, do you think you could do better?’ said Julia with a sniff.

‘“Claws of Steel”,’ said Ellie petulantly. There was a silence. Andrew and Julia looked at each other indulgently.

‘That’s very good,’ said Andrew.

‘Thank you. Oh, how about … “you can only stop a crime wave by raining cats and dogs” …’

‘There aren’t any dogs in it.’

‘It’s metaphorical. Or you could get them to put some dogs in it. And maybe a rain sequence.’

‘Uh huh.’

‘“Pussy Power”.’

‘Ehm, I know! Why don’t I go and get some more drinks,’ said Andrew suddenly, jumping up. ‘Julia?’

‘Ooh, yes please, I’d love another iced tea,’ Julia said, handing him her glass. He took it and smiled at her, then walked into the house.

‘You TART!’ whispered Ellie, grinning, as soon as he’d gone.

‘What? What are you talking about?’

‘Look at you! You’re all over him like a rash.’

‘I am
not
. He’s just being polite.’

‘Oh, and you are just inviting him into your pants.’

‘Don’t be silly. Anyway, I’ve got a boyfriend.’

‘I don’t believe it,’ said Ellie. ‘I’m the sad single person. I ought to get first crack at him. He’s completely gorgeous. But what do you do? You put me in a ridiculous hat and make me sit under an umbrella while you go, “
ooh yes, I’d love another iced tea. And some sex please!
”’

‘I was not!’

‘You
so
were. “
Andrew, I’d like an iced tea and all the sex please
.”’

‘I never did!’

‘“
You know, I think I’ll just have my iced tea naked!
”’

‘Do you want me to hit you on your sunburn or not?’

‘Whatever gets you going, seeing as you’re obviously
so turned on
.’

‘Do you two squabble a lot?’ said Andrew looking amused, as he came back out with three iced teas. Julia shot Ellie a dirty look. ‘Have I always been this jealous of Julia?’ Ellie thought to herself ruefully.

‘No. The Hedgehog was just saying how much she loved your hat and how she wished she could keep it on all the time.’

‘Oh, that old thing. You can have it – I picked it up on a set somewhere, but it’s really too hot to wear it here. But I’m glad you like it though.’

‘No shit,’ said Ellie grumpily, pulling the flaps down over her eyes. She pretended to go to sleep as Julia filled Andrew II in on what they were doing in LA. Listening to Julia tell it made it sound even stupider than it normally did, particularly with Julia omitting all the Loxy bits and making it sound as if she was humouring someone on the brink of insanity. ‘Yes, I have always been jealous,’ Ellie realized. ‘Completely and utterly.’

Andrew II listened patiently to Julia. ‘Hmm,’ he said, when she had finished.

‘Yes, hmm exactly,’ said Julia conspiratorially. Ellie made Evil Eyes of Death under the flap of the deerstalker.

‘What makes you think he lives in LA?’

‘Because it’s where movie stars live?’

‘You know, being a movie star isn’t exactly like being President. They can live anywhere.’

‘What do you mean?’ said Ellie, sitting upright.

‘Well, I don’t want to rain on your parade or anything … but, in the late 1980s I got fed up of having teenage girls hanging around my house all day …’

‘
Really
?’

‘Yes, I’ve had all the jokes, thank you … anyway, I hate to tell you this, but I did a bit of research, and I’m afraid your guru lives in New York.’

There was a silence on the end of the phone.

‘No way,’ said Arthur.

‘It’s just a teensy TEENSY tiny little change,’ said Ellie.

‘Hedge, have you
any
idea how much my Prada swimming trunks cost?’

‘But you’ll
love
New York. Think: ice skating in Central Park!’

‘Exactly! It’ll be below zero! That’s no good for swimming trunks! Oh, for fuck’s sake, Hedge, why couldn’t you have sorted this out properly?’

‘What do you mean,
sort this out properly
? This is
not the kind of thing you can plan. If it was, you’d be able to visit him on package tours.’

‘Well, why didn’t you look up where he was on the Internet or something?’

‘Because the Internet is the most vile thing I’ve ever seen in my life and I won’t go near it.’

‘That’s just because you’re using Big Bastard’s computer. It’s different on every computer you know.’

‘Is it?’

‘Of course. Did you really think everyone has goat/ women sex as their home page?’

‘I wasn’t sure, and I was too frightened to check. Anyway, that’s fucked now, plus we’ve spent most of the money on the Ritz, so we’re going to have to drive. We can borrow somebody’s car and drive it across the country for them and it hardly costs anything. Why don’t you come and meet us halfway?’

‘So I can sit in somebody else’s car in the freezing cold instead of dancing around San Francisco in my Prada pants,’ said Arthur thoughtfully. ‘I’ve got a better idea – why don’t I just smash a bottle over my head for fun and take up mini-cabbing for the experience?

‘Don’t be like this. It will be fun. I promise. We’re having fun. Well, Julia is.’

Julia shot Ellie a warning glance across the room.

‘Ooh, gossip? Immediately please,’ said Arthur.

‘Nothing,’ said Ellie, in a tone of voice which
clearly meant ‘loads’. ‘Can’t talk now. But if we meet you about halfway across …’

‘Oh for fuck’s sake,’ said Arthur. ‘Where’s halfway across? I’ll tell you where it isn’t: it isn’t on a beach which requires the wearing of Prada swimming trunks.’

Ellie cringed. She wasn’t looking forward to this bit. ‘I think … Kansas City.’

‘
Kansas City
?’

‘Uh huh. Andrew reckons we could make it in four days.’

‘Who?’

Julia picked up a bottle of deodorant in a vaguely threatening fashion.

‘Umm, nobody. This, err, woman we met called Andrew. You know people have the craziest names out here.’

‘What the hell am I going to do in Kansas City?’ howled Arthur.

‘Well, you could drive us the next three thousand miles.’

‘Christ.’

There was a bumping noise in the background.

‘Okay, you two, stop it.’

‘What’s going on?’

‘Nothing. Colin and Big Bastard are having a little … contretemps.’

‘Give me that you little fucker,’ could be heard
in the background, along with some high pitched yelping.

‘Colin borrowed one of Big Bastard’s Pringles and wore it. So now Big Bastard won’t wear it ever again and he’s currently trying to stop Colin getting into his room … put the wardrobe down, Big Bastard!’

‘How’s Loxy?’ Julia gesticulated wildly from the bed.

‘Arthur, how’s the Loxster?’ asked Ellie.

‘Colin, vests are for wearing, not for slapping. Huh?’

‘Julia wants to know how the Loxster is.’

‘Um … fine, I think … Jesus! Look, I’m going to have to go. They’ve started to throw shoes. Look, I’m not sure … You’re going to have to phone again … For fuck’s sake, Big Bastard, call that a shoe? That’s not a shoe, it’s a fucking boat!’

‘Bye,’ said Ellie, a little sadly, putting the phone down.

‘How are they?’ asked Julia anxiously, getting up and going into the tiny bathroom.

‘Fine. Well, murdering each other obviously. Ehm, Arthur is dead set against this.’

‘I’m not surprised. How’s Loxy?’

‘He didn’t really say. Okay, I think.’

‘Hmm. That doesn’t give a lot away. Do you think I should phone him?’

‘Are you thinking of committing adultery?’

Andrew II was taking them out to dinner.

‘No!’

‘Are you sure? Why else are you phoning home then?’

Julia ignored her. ‘Is Arthur serious about not wanting to come?’