Loki (17 page)

Brodie stood and grasped Loki’s shoulder. “Do not be too upset about it. She’ll be fine by morning. I’ll leave you now. Come home when you are ready.”

Bella’s heart lifted, but as soon as Brodie moved away from them, she noticed her husband still looked defeated. “You do not look like you believe your da.” Lately, she’d seen this look more and more on her beloved’s face. Was it her fault? Had it to do with their wedding?

Loki stared over her head. “I do not feel better. I hurt a wee lassie.”

“You’ll see sense on the morrow when she’s fine.”

Somehow, Bella didn’t believe her own words. Something was wrong with her husband, and he would not share his feelings with her. What would happen next?

Chapter Eighteen

Loki shot up from his bed, rubbing his eyes. Bella awoke beside him.

“What is it, Loki?”

“Naught, Bella. Go back to sleep.” He kissed her cheek and covered her with furs. “I’ll return shortly.”

Loki grabbed his plaid and stole down the staircase and out the front door of the tower. Things had been better all day. Alison had recovered for the most part, and no one seemed to hold the accident against him.

Bella had gone to see her father and asked if Loki could visit as well, but he had emphatically denied that part of her request. Still, he had allowed her to help him since his leg was broken, and he needed assistance, though the clan had been wonderful bringing him food according to Maddie. Though Bella no longer worked in the kitchen, she spent her spare time helping Celestina and Maddie whenever she could. Life was better than it had been.

But strange bits of memory had returned to Loki over the past sennight, and tonight, they’d finally materialized into something recognizable. He sat down on the bench in the garden and blew on his cold hands. He had dreamed of his mother. She was pleasing to the eye, but not beautiful like Celestina. Fair-haired and plump, she always had a smile for him. He tried to see the color of her eyes, but couldn’t.

In his dream, his mother had sat on the side of his bed, staring at him and brushing her fingers through his long locks. “Loki, you are naught like your sire. I know he told you that you were, but you are not. ‘Tis the reason he does not always favor you. You’re quick-thinking and warm hearted, which bothers him. He thinks lads should be cold-hearted, but you are not. Do not believe the things he says.”

At first, he had assumed he was experiencing the memory of some long ago day when his mother had tucked him in, but the next section of his dream proved him wrong.

“Loki, you were blessed the day the Grants took you in as their kin. Do not be so afraid to tell them how you feel. They will not think any less of you, and I know what you’re thinking. They have no desire to send you away from the clan. You are an important part of their family, and they all love you. Stay and tell them the truth. Do not believe the lie your sire has planted in your mind.”

That bothered him more than anything else she could have said. It was as if she knew every little thing he had been thinking—fearing.

He worried the Grants might decide to send him and Bella away. There had been too much happening for the clan to keep him around—too many accidents, too many threats.

First, he’d hurt his wee sister. Aye, he hadn’t done it intentionally, but it had happened.

Second, Bella’s sire was furious that Loki had wedded his daughter without his permission. He had heard the gossip. Alex had gone to visit Nevin to see how his leg fared, and Bella’s sire had spent his whole visit discussing Loki Grant and why he didn’t belong.

Third, his true sire was a threat to everyone. They’d left him in Perthshire, but what would he scheme to do next? Would he risk delving deep into the Highlands to carry out his threat?

Fourth, his sire had promised that if Loki ever married, he’d come for his wife. He shouldn’t have married. He shouldn’t have returned to the Grants and put them in jeopardy.

But the question that troubled him the most, bringing with it a fear so strong that it settled deep in his gut, was whether he truly was like his sire. Was his soul as rotten to the core as the earl’s? Did Bella’s father see something in him he’d been trying to hide from by being helpful and honorable?

He was lost, totally lost, and he knew not where to turn.

***

The next morn, Loki had kissed Bella goodbye and was headed out to the lists. He passed the solar and heard male voices. The situation was not at all uncommon, as his sire often sat in the solar with his two brothers discussing the clan and its issues. But something caught his ear when he passed by the door. His name.

He did not want to eavesdrop, but he felt frozen in place, unable to move. Had he heard what he thought he’d heard?

Alex said, “I think ‘tis a wise move. He would be good over there, and I think it would be better for their marriage.”

Brodie replied, “I know you think he should go, but I do not think the time is right yet.”

“Why not? He’s mature enough. He can take care of Bella. They’ll be fine there.”

Robbie added, “You do not want him to move, Brodie, but Alex’s solution seems to be the best for all concerned.”

Loki forced himself to place one foot in front of the other. This was it. They were going to get rid of him. They were planning to send him away. His greatest fear was coming true. He was about to be abandoned by his parents, and Bella would probably leave him, too, as soon as she learned they were being forced to move away.

He had just reached the front door when two of the guards came forward, escorting a messenger. “Loki, bring the lad to the solar for us.”

Loki nodded and the guards left. The messenger appeared confused, but then the man pointed at him. “You’re Loki Grant?”

Loki, though wary, nodded. “Why?”

“My message is for you. Your aunt didn’t know you were still alive. She wishes to meet you.”

Loki didn’t know what to say. “My aunt?”

“Aye, she said to tell you that she’s your mother’s sister. She wants you to visit her in North Perthshire.” The messenger handed him a piece of parchment. “Here are the instructions for where she lives.”

Loki thanked the lad and took him to the kitchens for refreshments after his trip. He returned to his chambers immediately afterward. Perhaps this was just what he needed. A trip could give him the time he needed to come up with another plan. Who knew how soon before his laird decided to send him away, wherever it was? If he searched out his aunt, mayhap he’d learn if his dreams of his mother were true.

Bella came in behind him. “I thought you’d already left for the lists. Why are you back so soon?”

“Bella, come sit for a moment.” He pulled her over to the bed and set her down next to him. “Listen to me. I know this will not make sense for you, but I’m going to leave on a short trip. I just discovered that I have an aunt—the sister to my mother—and she wishes to meet me. She lives in North Perthshire, and I have to go see her.”

“Fine. I understand completely, Loki. Give me a few moments and I’ll pack. You deserve to learn about your true mother, so this could be a wonderful trip for you.” She jumped up from her spot and tugged a satchel out to fill it with clothes.

“Nay, Bella. I’ll not take you with me.”

Bella froze in her spot and turned back to look at him. “What are you saying? You should travel with your wife. We have naught to hide. I’d like to meet your family, too.” Her hand settled on her hip as she watched him.

“Bella, my sire threatened to hurt anyone I cared about. That would be you. I cannot take the risk of having you with me in Perthshire again. This sounds like a true request, but it could also be a trap. I’ll not put you at risk. Plus, your father still needs you, and so does Celestina since I hurt Alison.”

“Loki,” she swatted her hand at him, tears misting her eyes. “Stop being like that. You did not hurt her, and you’ll protect me against your sire. I want to go with you. Please. We are finally able to live together. Do not leave me alone again.”

Loki tugged her close and cupped her face in his big hands. Hellfire, but he hadn’t expected her to fall apart like this. How could he make her understand he needed to do this on his own, needed to see some things for himself. He hated to see her cry. “Bella, I love you, but I cannot risk having aught happen to you. You are too important to me. I’ll return as soon as I’m able, but for now, I must go.” He dropped his hands and packed his satchel in a matter of minutes, then kissed her cheek. “I love you. I’ll see you soon.”

“Wait, Loki,” she chased him around the chamber as he filled his bag, “I know why you’re doing this and ‘tis time you admitted it to yourself.”

“Why I’m doing what?” He answered her, but continued with his task.

“You think you are not worthy of the Grant name. You think you do not belong here because your true sire is a bad man.”

Loki froze in shock, wondering how his wee wife could have guessed the truth so quickly. “What?”

“You think just because my sire doesn’t think you belong and some of the guards do not think you belong that mayhap you do not, but naught could be further from the truth.”

Loki turned away from her, hiding the anguish he was sure showed on his face, fussing with his things. How in hell had she figured that out?

“Can you not see the truth?”

He stopped what he was doing to stare at Bella. “And what is the truth?”

She gazed into his eyes and reached for his hands. “The truth is that you belong here more than anyone else, because you have earned the right to be a Grant warrior. The others are here because they were born into the Grant clan. You have acted as the highest of all warriors, more honorable and steadfast than any of the others, always protecting those who cannot protect themselves. What more could the chief of any clan want of his men? You have proven your worth time and time again. Everyone knows it but you.”

He drew in a deep breath and released it before speaking. Pinching the bridge of his nose with his fingers, he said, “Mayhap that was true of me a decade ago, but what have I done since then to deserve the honor of being a member of Clan Grant? At this point, I’ve only caused pain and risked the Grants’ safety due to threats from my own sire.”

Bella didn’t answer, but then he had not expected her to answer. It was the truth, plain and simple. He returned to his task.

She yanked on his arm to get his attention again. “None of that is your fault. You helped save Jennie Grant, you’ve been a member of the guard for years, and you devote your time to training others. You have had the honor of protecting the laird’s family, and you’ve started training with Logan Ramsay to do work for the Scottish crown. You helped save Gracie and Aunt Caralyn and your mother. What more could you expect from yourself?”

Loki spanned the distance between them and kissed her cheek. “Good to know that my wife believes in me, Bella. I do love you for it, but I think you cannot deny my reasoning.” He finished his packing and headed to the door.

Bella flounced back onto the bed. “Drat, Loki. I thought you loved me.”

He grinned at her as he walked out the door. “You know I do more than aught in the world. Now be safe until I return.”

She leaned out the door as he descended the staircase. “Did you tell your sire where you’re going?”

“Nay, I’ll be back before they miss me. Trust me.”

***

Bella stomped around the room, cursing as she paced for the better part of an hour. She’d already tried talking to a couple of Loki’s cousins into traveling with her, but they refused. How she wished Torrian were here. They were all afraid of the laird’s temper, though she hadn’t seen it much. Jake and Jamie swore they’d never go against their father again, though they would not tell her why, but they did promise not to inform anyone and warned her about asking any guard to go with her. They would all tell rather than risk the wrath of their laird. Drat that stubborn husband of hers. She’d just have to follow him on her own like she had done before, though she had one serious problem she needed to fix first.

She had no idea how to get to Perthshire. Chasing down the staircase, she headed to the kitchens. A messenger must have just told her husband about his aunt, and if so, the man would still be somewhere in the keep.

She found the messenger at a table near the kitchens, and he explained exactly how to get to Perthshire.

“You do not mean to go yourself, do you, lass? I already gave the message to Loki Grant.”

“Nay, I just wanted to be able to repeat it to his sire.” She took a seat next to the lad.

“Which one is Loki’s sire? I should find him and repeat the message to him before I go.”

“I’ll take you to him.” Bella jumped out of her chair.

“Do you mind if I finish my meat pie first?”

Bella frowned, but she sat down again, drumming her fingers on the table as she waited.

A short time later, the messenger said, “All right, take me to the Grants so I can deliver the message again.”

Bella shot out of her chair and led him to the laird’s solar, then knocked on the door. As soon as she did, she slipped away, not wanting them to stop her from leaving on her own.

She’d find Loki Grant if it killed her. And then he’d never leave her again.

***

Loki sat on a log in the clearing, wondering what he would say to his aunt. His father was a rat bastard, but mayhap his mother was as sweet as his dream had indicated. If that were true, perhaps he would have a little more confidence that he could be a good man.

Everything in his life was now a mess. He had doubts about everything, most of all about himself and his lineage. Before he would feel settled, he needed to face his past.

Finally, he stood up and headed to the row of four cottages, hoping what he found inside was better than what he’d found in Cliffnock. He scraped a hand through his long locks to try and untangle them, checked his plaid to make sure he was presentable, then moved up to the door of the first hut. After knocking three times, he shook out his tingling fingers and stood back, hoping someone would answer.