Loco (5 page)

Chapter 9

Tanner woke with a stifled cry, panting and sweating profusely. Sitting up, he scanned the room, allowing his eyes to adjust for a second before realizing that the horrific scene he witnessed lived in his memories. Scrubbing his face, he sought to shove the demons from his mind, only to have them claw deeper, refusing to budge. Images of a long-ago battle flashed through his mind, the exploding missives and rat-a-tat of bullets from both sides clear, with piercing screams and yells of the injured and dying.

"Shit." He slipped out of bed and walked into the bathroom, flicking on the light. Splashing water from the sink on his face, he appraised himself in the mirror. "Why?" For the hundredth time he asked himself that question.
Why didn't I choose differently? Why didn't I follow my gut instincts?

His team of Marines had tromped toward their set destination, a position determined by his commanders as valuable in the continuing war on terror. Because he was the immediate team leader, he voiced those commands, pushing his men through an area they had no business being in. His gut clamored the entire time in frank warning. Instead of thinking for himself and listening to the subtle premonition, he stayed true to his task, following strict orders that led his team into an ambush, where several of his men were killed. They were orders he should by all means have disregarded.

Stepping back into his bedroom, he strode to his dresser, opened a drawer, and pulled out a curio box. Inside, several awards and medals sparkled in the same perfect condition as the day they were minted. A Medal of Honor occupied the eye-catching center position.
Fucking ridiculous.
He hated it most of all, for all it symbolized. Washington and the military paraded him as a hero, rewarding him with their highest honor while still on active duty with the Marines. The truth lay in the polar opposite. He should have been court-martialed instead of honored. Because of his poor leadership skills, good men had died. Those men deserved better. Friends. Teammates. Comrades. Fellow Marines. Some paid the ultimate price for a meaningless patch of land declared invaluable by higher ups two thousand miles away. He screwed up, let his men down. And for that, the lucky ones took shrapnel. The unlucky ones didn't make it at all.

Walking into the kitchen, he tossed the glass-covered box on the countertop. The fridge light beamed bright in the darkness as he opened the door and pulled out a beer. Lessons from prior nights like this taught him that sleep wouldn't come, and the adrenalin rush the nightmares provoked would take a while to reside. Until then, he wrestled with ghosts from his past, struggling to force them back into that far corner of his mind and lock them in tight for fear they would escape again to disturb his sleep and life.

Over the years, he tried one thing after another to combat his memories and the issues they caused. Nothing really worked except pushing himself hard, always on the go and living life to the fullest, before he fell into bed exhausted. Only then did he avoid dreaming. Some of the time. Other times, no matter the fatigue level, something set those memories loose, letting them replay through his mind each day.

Some men drank to escape their ghosts. He refused to go that direction, the easy way out. Instead, he faced each day as it came, going for broke with the toughest, most dangerous jobs he could lay his hands on. It was the least he could do after his massive blunder. Every villain he wiped out, every life he saved, never came close to replacing those he'd lost. However, it made a small dent in that insurmountable mountain. He took risks others wouldn't, putting his life on the line time after time. Death waited for him, sooner rather than later. Tanner understood and respected that. Maybe when the time came, he could finally find peace from those demons.

Adrenalin rode him hard all morning. He couldn't shake the revved-up sensation no matter what he did. Cleaning the condo and scrubbing dirty dishes made the place shine but didn't help his physical state in the least. A difficult, martial arts workout zapped some energy and sent sweat dripping over his body but did not bring the inner focus that usually came with the routine. Even a few rounds of computer games failed to ease the turmoil.

Tanner stepped out the back door, intent on a long run. Since nothing else seemed to work, at least he could wear himself completely out and fall into bed from sheer exhaustion. It was worth a try.

Before he hit the park trail, he caught sight of Hercules wandering near the woods, nose to ground, searching for the perfect place to do his business. No sooner had the dog relieved himself, than he ran over to lean heavily against Tanner's legs.

"Hey, Herc. You can knock someone over like that."

The dog looked up at him, smiling with his pink tongue hanging out the side of his mouth. His long, spotted tail thumped from side to side, whipping Tanner's leg now and again.

Tanner's lips twitched as he rubbed the Dane's ears. For the first time that morning, his tension began to ebb.

"Good morning," Oakley called, sticking her head out the back door.

Still petting Hercules, Tanner smiled at her. "Morning. I was just going for a run. Care to join me?"

She looked him over before nodding. Within moments, she strode over and snapped the leash on Hercules's collar. "If you promise not to run me into the ground, then I'll gladly go with you."

He chuckled. "No worries. Since we're not racing, I suppose one slower workout would be okay."

"Gee. Thanks."

They started off toward the park, following the asphalt trail and meandering through trees, woods, and playground equipment as they went.

* * * *

After the morning jog, Oakley stopped by her side of the condo to grab a fresh batch of strawberry muffins. With those in hand, she hurried over to Tanner's door and let herself in.

Something nagged her during their exercise, something she couldn't put her finger on. He seemed much more tense and distracted than she recalled in the past. Perhaps his work called or something happened with his family. Any number of events could cause such a reaction, but she refused to press him about it. If he wanted to share, he would. Otherwise, she could only hang out in a supportive role.

"Muffins!" she called from just inside the door. "And I didn't let Hercules eat yours this time." As if hearing his name, the dog trotted in beside her to immediately make himself at home by lying down in the floor.

"Good thing. I'm hungry." He walked from his bedroom, having changed from running attire to jeans and a shirt. A few long strides placed him in the kitchen.

She grabbed paper towels and plates after setting the platter of muffins between them. Tanner pulled the milk from the fridge, gathered a couple of glasses, and then sat down beside her.

He dug in with gusto. "Spoon's right. These are great."

Crumbs clung to his lips and chin, reminding her of a young boy really getting into his food. "Thanks." She took a small bite, watching Tanner devour one after another before taking a gulp of milk.

She gestured toward his clothes. "Plans for today?"

"Somewhat."

Quickly, she stifled the sigh threatening to escape at his answer. Patience took practice and boy, did she need it. "Need a buddy? You can take Hercules with you."

He snorted. "He would throw a fit being away from you. And secondly, he wouldn't like having to ride in the back when he's used to riding shotgun."

"Good point. And, if you run errands, he thinks you should stop by and get him a few hamburgers as a treat."

Tanner looked at the dog sprawled across his living room floor. "More than a few."

She looked at the last muffin then nudged it toward Tanner. "Might as well eat the last one."

He arched an eyebrow. "Not saving it for the dog?"

She grinned. "Nope. Last time he ate muffins, the fiber gave him diarrhea."

Reaching out, he snagged the last treat. "Let's hope I don't suffer the same thing."

"I hope not. I would hate for the neighbors to report a half-naked man squatting in the woods every ten minutes. Might be embarrassing and hard to explain to a judge."

He snorted.

She stood up to clear the table. "If it happens, I'll donate some of that toilet paper with aloe in it."

"Gee, thanks." Tanner followed suit, screwing the cap back on the milk.

"Don't mention it." She carried the empty glasses and set them gently in his kitchen sink.

A small, luxurious box with a glass lid caught her attention. Stepping over, she plucked it off the kitchen counter to gaze at the many medals and read each inscription. She looked up at Tanner with a sense of amazement and disbelief. "Medal of Honor. They only give this medal to the bravest acts of courage under combat."

He shrugged, busily stashing the remnants of their meal in the fridge.

"You're a true hero, Tanner."

Instantly, his laidback demeanor changed, replaced with extreme agitation. His arms waved while long strides swept him into the living room. "Some fucking hero."

Hercules startled, stood up, and headed toward the back door.

Stunned by the animosity in his tone and the surly language, Oakley bit her lip. Tanner's mood swung on a dime once she mentioned those awards. Watching closely, she took in his rapid breathing, stiff movements, and expression of fury. She saw enough of herself in his actions to recognize some of the issue. Guilt.

"I can see it with everything you do."

"Then you must be blind."

Refusing to rise to the bait of his anger, Oakley tried to redirect the conversation. "Do you want to talk about what happened?" A fox trapped by a herd of hounds could have worn the same expression as Tanner. She immediately wished her words back. "Have you seen a counselor?"

He snorted derisively. "A Marine seeing a shrink? Now that's a laugh a minute."

"Maybe you could see a psychologist outside the military. One in private practice. I'm sure…"

He cut her off with a wild look, his eyes wide and flashing. "What in the hell do they know?"

She retreated, unsure when faced with such fiery fury. This wasn't the man she knew these past few days. "I just…"

For a moment, he eased down, appearing to relax a fraction. "Don't set those soft eyes on me, baby. I won't live long enough to give you what you deserve."

"What do you mean?" His words lanced her heart, making her gasp. Fear crept in.

"One day, I'll screw up. Sooner or later." He took a deep breath. "Don't get any illusions about me. I live by the sword and I'll die by the sword."

With those prophetic words, he stuffed his wallet into the back pocket of his jeans, grabbed his car keys, and stormed out.

Oakley released a long sigh. A few years of therapy allowed her to read between the lines. Something bad happened to Tanner, something that he could never forgive himself for. Instead of dealing with the issue, he ran, pushing his luck and life to the fullest in order to escape the memories. She understood and felt all the more saddened. Experience taught her she couldn't run from what happened and she couldn't change it. All she could do was face her demons, work each day to conquer them, and move forward.

Until Tanner realized those facts for himself and received some help, she truly worried he would push too hard one time and pay the hard consequences of his actions.

With sudden inspiration, she returned to her side of the condo after carefully locking Tanner's front door behind her. Once there, she dug through her phone number book, finally finding what she needed. One finger punched in familiar numbers. "Hello. Can I speak to Dr Miller, please?"

Chapter 10

Tanner returned after a couple hours, didn't apologize for his behavior, or say where he had been or what he'd done. When she cautiously approached him, he watched her skeptically until she started a conversation, not once mentioning his outburst and behavior that morning. Only then did he ease back, perhaps trying too hard and feigning amusement.

At least he consented to join her for lunch with her former boss. It took some pleading, but she stubbornly refused to give up, encouraging and literally dragging him to the restaurant with her.

"I can't believe I let you talk me into this," Tanner complained as they walked into the spacious dining room of a local restaurant.

Oakley glanced across the room until she spied Dr Miller. "It's just lunch. Besides, he's my old boss. Last I knew he doesn't bite, he bathes daily, brushes his teeth, and knows better than to pass gas in mixed company."

Tanner's lips twitched. Counting that for a tiny victory, Oakley led the way.

Dr Miller climbed out of the booth, stood, then waited for Oakley to do the introductions. His silver hair shined in the bright light, the only indicator to his advancing age. Strong arms and shoulders filled out the Oxford shirt while his pants accented a strong torso and legs. He definitely stayed in shape.

"Dr Miller, this is Tanner. Tanner, Dr Miller."

Both men shook hands, intently staring at one another for a long moment before Dr Miller indicated they should sit.

Oakley slid in first, scooching over so Tanner had plenty of room.

Dr Miller sat opposite them. "Nice to meet you, Tanner. Oakley's told me very little about you, I'm afraid." He grinned, winking at Oakley.

Tanner glanced at her before refocusing his attention back on the other man, tilting his head this way and that before speaking. "Military?"

If the question surprised Dr Miller, he didn't show it. "Marine. Ages ago."

"What unit?" Tanner pressed, leaning forward in interest.

"Ninth Marine, Vietnam."

Tanner whistled low, leaning back in his seat. "Hamburger Hill. Damn."

The older man nodded. "Not my fondest memories."

"I bet. Talk about FUBAR."

Dr Miller grinned. "You can say that again."

"So, what do you do now?" Tanner asked.

"Teach at the university, which is where I met your lovely neighbor." He grinned over at Oakley.

She smiled back, watching each man in earnest as they continued to talk. Tanner appeared to relax once he determined Dr Miller's past experience. Almost like a mutual comradeship clicked, respect included. But, when Dr Miller mentioned his service, Tanner sat up and took great notice, as if he found something to latch on, hold tight to, and be able to glean from the older man. She sincerely hoped this worked out. Maybe, just maybe, Tanner would feel comfortable enough with a fellow Marine, one with experiences similar to his, who could advise him on handling the guilt eating at him. He needed, deserved to receive help and all the support he could get in order to take back control over his past.

They set up a meet and greet, purposely not telling Tanner that Dr Miller worked as a psychology instructor while practicing as a licensed psychologist specializing in post-traumatic stress disorder. Oakley knew if she conveyed that information to Tanner, not only would he adamantly refuse, but he might also lose all faith in her as well, believing she tried to force him into something he didn't want. Instead, she hoped by meeting Dr Miller, Tanner would grow to like the man as a person, lessening the bullheaded stigma he placed on therapy. For all intents and purposes, this outing was nothing more than lunch with her former boss. With luck, today would prove to be a springboard for future occasions.

The waitress interrupted with menus. Each made a selection, including a beverage, and they sent the young woman on her way. She returned shortly with their drinks, setting a glass in front of each one before scampering off again.

"So, Tanner, has she conned you into running those 5K races with her?"

Tanner grinned. "Oh, yeah. Good thing I have long legs."

"He almost killed me, I swear," Oakley tossed in as both men chuckled at her.

"Hey, you said it was your best time ever."

"Well, that's true." She smiled full of pride.

"She used to pester the tar out of me, trying to get me to run with her." Dr Miller took a sip of his soda.

"Did you ever?" Tanner followed suit, taking a big swallow.

Dr Miller shrugged. "Couple of times. I try to stay in shape, although running is hard on the knees, especially when you get my age."

Oakley shook her head. "You're only as old as you feel."

"Which makes me ninety-five today."

She snorted. "Your nose is growing again."

Tanner glanced from her to Dr Miller then back again. "Why is it that body parts grow when you're around?"

Heat blasted across her face. Her former boss guffawed while Tanner sat there with a mischievous grin. "Neanderthal."

By the end of lunch, Oakley decided their meeting had been successful. Both men seemed to enjoy themselves, holding the majority of the conversation. Tanner appeared relaxed and gave the impression of having formed an easy bond with her former boss. They went so far as to exchange phone numbers before heading their separate ways.

She waited until they hopped back into his SUV before asking Tanner's opinion. "So, it wasn't as bad as you envisioned, huh?"

He turned the engine over and pulled out of the driveway. "No. He's a good man."

"I agree. He made for a great boss too."

"How long did you work for him?"

"Three years as his graduate assistant. I would love to have done more, but three years is maximum you can do at the university, even with a double master's degree." She looked out the side window, watching scenery go by.

"For everything he's been through, he seems like a normal guy." Tanner stared straight ahead, his voice low as if he were talking to himself.

Not sure if she should respond, she finally found her voice. "He learned some ways to handle his past, ways that work, and I think he really enjoys life." There. She put the seed in his mind. Perhaps it would germinate enough for Tanner to seek out Dr Miller for advice.

Tanner remained mute the rest of the trip. Once they reached home, he shut off the engine and turned his attention to her. "What are your plans?"

She smiled. "Letting Hercules out to pee."

He rolled his eyes. "Smart ass. I meant after the essentials."

Oakley considered the question for a couple of beats. "Well, if you aren't too busy, I thought you could show me more of that self-defense you're so proficient at."

A wicked smile slowly grew on his face. "And once I pin you?"

"To the victor go the spoils?" No sooner had the words left her mouth than she wished them back. Her face burned as he laughed.
Hyena
.

"I think I'm up for that challenge." His eyes sparked while his dimples popped with amusement.

"Oh, boy."