Life on the Edge (17 page)

All the blood in my body rushed to that hand, where Sergei laced his fingers through mine. He inched forward, leaving only a millimeter of space between us. I feared I would cease breathing any second.

“
Em
, I can’t . . .” He paused and swallowed hard, the silence excruciating. My heart sent deep, vibrating beats to my core.

“I can’t stop thinking about you.” His eyes captured mine. “And I don’t want to.”

A thousand volts of electricity shot down my spine. If I hadn’t been wedged between Sergei and the door, I might’ve fallen over. I wanted to throw my arms around him, but fear of being rejected again paralyzed me.

“What are you going to do about that?” I whispered.

He seemed to move even closer to me, if that was possible. “What do you want me to do?”

I knew exactly what I wanted, what I desired every time Sergei walked into a room and I felt the magnetic pull.

I kissed him. Hard.

He pressed me against the door, his hands on my face and in my hair. I locked my arms around him, digging my nails into his sweater. His muscles were hard and tight.

All the months of dancing around each other, holding in the feelings we shouldn’t feel–through each deep and searching kiss, we released those frustrations. As the pace of our kisses slowed, I became more aware of Sergei’s tender touch. His fingertips grazed the nape of my neck, tickling my skin like a feather and sending goose bumps all over my body. I sighed against his lips. I’d waited so long for him to touch me like that.

Sergei wrapped me in an embrace and buried his face in my hair. Laying my head on his chest, I closed my eyes and listened to his heart racing. I didn’t want to leave his arms, that spot, that moment.

We remained still for a few minutes until Sergei pulled back just enough to face me. He brushed strands of hair from my cheek.

“I guess we have a situation here.”

Chapter Thirteen

I searched Sergei’s eyes, hoping I wouldn’t see the regret they held the first time we kissed. “Is that what we are–a situation?”

He touched his forehead to mine and combed his fingers through my hair. “I wasn’t expecting this to happen.”

“I’m really glad it happened.” I tightened my arms around him, afraid he could slip away at any moment.

“Emily.” He sighed, his voice thick with emotion.

He’d spoken my name thousands of times, but the way he said it now made me weak in the knees. The silkiness of his hands in my hair was also making me light-headed. I leaned into him, but he stepped backward and unraveled my arms from around his neck.

Holding onto my hands, he said, “This isn’t going to be easy.”

Red flashing alarms went off in my head. I’d been down this painful road before, and I couldn’t travel it again.

“Please don’t push me away,” I half-pleaded and half-demanded.

“I’m not. I’m just thinking out loud . . . about where we go from here.” He stared at the backs of my hands, where he traced tiny circles with his thumbs. “We can’t be seen together.”

Since the moment I’d kissed Sergei, I’d tried to shut out reality and pretend our situation wasn’t a complicated one. But now I was in a free fall from the clouds, back to Earth, where I competed in a sport with more unwritten rules than I could count.

I took a little walk past Sergei, needing space to process his statement. “What would happen if we were?”

He joined me in front of the dresser. “Your commitment and my credibility would be questioned,” he said softly. “We need all the support we can get from the federation, and they wouldn’t approve of this.”

“Then it doesn’t sound like we’re going anywhere from here.” I looked away, trying to hide the frustration brewing in my heart.

“No, you’re wrong. I don’t know how, but there has to be a way we can make this work.” He slid his hands around my waist and drew me to him. “Because I have to be with you.”

The passion blazing in his eyes sent a thrill of both excitement and fear through me. What I felt was more powerful than anything I’d ever experienced in my life.

Sergei kissed me, his lips stroking mine with a slow caress. I brought my hand up to his cheek, touching the prickly stubble. So many times I’d wanted to do that, to feel the warmth of his skin.

“Maybe I can make us private dinners at my house.” I smiled. “I have a very large recipe box.”

“You also have a roommate.”

“I can trust Aubrey. She won’t tell anyone.”
But she probably will yell at me and list a thousand reasons why this is a bad idea.
I pushed that thought aside and curled my fingers along the back of Sergei’s neck and into his hair.

He cradled my face in his hands, and I shivered from the softness of his touch. “We have to be very careful,
Em
.”

My mind raced. Everything between us had changed so quickly. “What made you finally tell me how you feel?”

“I couldn’t pretend anymore that I don’t care. I missed you so much.” He trailed his thumb along my jaw. “And seeing you with Drew–”

“Drew! Oh no! I told him I’d only be gone a minute. He’s probably wondering what happened to me.”

“Does that mean you have to go?” Sergei nudged me closer to him.

With a reluctant nod, I slipped out of his embrace, and we crept toward the door. Before opening it, I said, “I know we have a lot of things to figure out, but–”

Sergei pressed his mouth to mine, silencing me with a long kiss that made me dizzy. When we parted, I had no idea what I’d been saying.

“Sorry, I couldn’t stop myself.” Sergei’s lips brushed mine as he spoke.

“Not a problem,” I whispered, still catching my breath.

Sergei opened the door and glanced both ways down the hallway. I scooted around him, but before I made it through the doorway, he grabbed my hand and gave it a squeeze. I resisted the urge to seek another kiss, instead smiling and mouthing, “Bye.”

On the ride down to Trevor’s room, I used my fingers as a comb, smoothing my hair where Sergei’s hands had been tangled. My face grew hot just thinking about his touch.

I had no idea how I was going to walk into the party and act like everything was normal.

Drew greeted me at the door with a beer in hand. “Are you okay? You look a little frazzled.”

“I’m just tired.”
And so begin the lies.
“I’m going back to my room, but I wanted to tell you thanks for a fun night.” I gave him a hug.

“Yeah, it was great. I wish we could hang out more often.”

Surrounded by so many people crowded together and talking loudly, I felt smothered and still overwhelmed from what had happened in Sergei’s room. “I’m
gonna
talk to Aubrey for a sec.”

I snaked through the throng standing around the bed and found Aubrey sitting on Zach’s lap. They were laughing as they thumb wrestled and tickled each other with their free hands. I raised an eyebrow, and Aubrey saw me staring at her.

“Where’d you disappear to?” she asked.

“Can you take a walk with me?”

“What’s going on?”

“I just need to talk to you.”

She stood up and flipped her blond hair over her shoulder. “I’ll be back,” she told Zach.

When we reached the hall, I gave her a sidelong glance. “What’s up with you two?”

“Marley asked me the same thing. We’re having fun. Not everything has to be a big romance.”

I held up my hands in surrender. “Okay.”

In the darkness of our room, I groped for the lamp switch. Aubrey sat on my bed and curled her legs under her, while I kicked off my heels and sat beside her.

“What I’m going to tell you has to stay between us. Absolutely no one can know.”

Concern narrowed her green eyes. “You’re scaring me a little.”

“It’s nothing bad.” I hesitated and ran my palm over the silky flowered comforter. “I went to see Sergei because he said something to me about Drew earlier, and when I was in his room . . .” I paused and smiled a little. “He told me he wants to be with me.”

Aubrey’s face froze with her mouth slightly ajar. “What do you mean, he wants to be with you?”

“I think, in a relationship.”

“A relationship?” She looked at me like I’d committed career suicide. “Are you serious? If the fed finds out, they will
flip out
.”

“I know, but if we’re careful . . .”

“This isn’t like you,
Em
. You don’t do crazy, impulsive things like this. I thought you would’ve gotten over your crush–”

“It’s not a crush.” I slid off the bed and wandered to the desk. Turning around, I took a deep breath and hugged my arms. “I think I’m in love with him.”

It felt liberating to admit what had been hiding in my heart for so long. But Aubrey’s look of pity squashed my moment of relief.

“Did you tell Sergei that?”

“No.” I shook my head vigorously.

“Good.” Aubrey swung her legs over the side of the bed and stared across the room, seemingly at nothing in particular. “Why would he do something this risky? He has to know all the things that could go wrong.”

“We tried to stay away from each other, but we can’t help how we feel.”

“Can you really trust him,
Em
? What if . . .” She softened her voice. “What if he’s just looking for sex?”

I planted my feet in a firm stance. “He’s not like that. And I
can
trust him.”

“I just don’t want you to get hurt. If things go bad between you, think how hard it’ll be to train with him. There’s a reason why the fed doesn’t want coaches and students getting involved.”

I relaxed my posture and rested against the desk. “I’m willing to take that chance.”

“This is so
cra
–”

A loud knock on the door interrupted her. I marched through the room and answered it revealing Chris, Marley, and Zach, all bundled up in jackets.

“It’s snowing like crazy outside,” Chris said. “We’re going downstairs to check it out.”

“We’re
kinda
in the middle of something,” Aubrey called from the bed.

I went over to the tiny closet for my jacket and boots. “Actually, I could use some fresh air.”

Aubrey grabbed her coat, and as she passed me, she whispered, “We’re
gonna
talk more about this.”

Outside, the snow blew sideways, swirling around us and piling up on the sidewalk. I pulled my knit hat further down over my ears.

Zach picked up a handful of ice and slung it at Chris, smacking him in the chest.

“Dude!” Chris yelled.

He rolled a large ball of snow, while Zach took off running down the street. As Chris dashed after him, their howls broke the silence of the quiet night.

“Boys,” Marley said, shaking her head.

Tiny snowflakes stuck to my face, and I closed my eyes, imagining they were kisses from Sergei. Tonight had been magical, no matter what Aubrey said. As I gazed up at the hotel, I wondered if Sergei was thinking about me. What if he changed his mind about us once the light of morning came?

Chapter Fourteen

By morning, a foot of snow had fallen over Boston. I stared out my hotel room window at the city blanketed in white. The bright sunshine made everything look clean and calm in the wake of the previous night’s storm.

As champions, Chris and I had to skate in the Exhibition featuring the medalists from all the events, so I gathered my bag and my costume and headed downstairs to the bus, glad Aubrey had already left. She’d peppered me with concerns and questions into the wee hours. Questions I couldn’t answer because I had no idea where Sergei and I stood. Our time together in his room had been a whirlwind of confessions and kisses, and I wasn’t sure what any of it meant for the immediate future.