Legally Undead (18 page)

I glared up at Deirdre. “It’s going to take a lot to make up for this.”

“Make up for it? No, my dear, I have no intention of ‘making up’ for anything. This is simply a… what shall we call it?” She waved her delicate hand in a circle in the air as she searched for words. “A warning.” She nodded with finality.

“A warning against what?” I asked harshly.

“A warning against ever again attacking any of my people.”

“Your people? I thought your people were all in Queens.”

“Yes, well. I’m planning to, shall we say, expand my business.”

“To the Bronx.”

“As a start, yes.”

By this time I had done everything I could for Malcolm—any attack marks on his back would have to wait until I could get him out of here—and the water evaporating from his skin had left him shivering. I gently shifted the wet stain on the sheet out from under him and pulled a blanket up over him. His eyes flickered open as I smoothed the cover over his arms, being careful not to touch any of the tender skin surrounding the lacerations.

“Thank you,” he whispered. His eyelids fluttered down again and his breathing steadied.

“Okay,” I said, standing up and moving to the unoccupied chair. “Let’s talk.”

“It’s about time,” Greg muttered.

“You,” I said, pointing to him, “can shut the hell up. As far as I’m concerned, you have no part in these discussions.”

“Oh, but I’m afraid he does, sweetness,” Deirdre said. She smiled gently at me, almost apologetically. “He’s the one who brought you to my attention. I’ve already agreed to reward him for that, so he does have some say in what happens here.”

I glared at her. I felt furiously impotent. What I wanted to do was pull a stake out of my boot and slam it into her heart, but I knew that I wouldn’t even get close to her before Greg or Louis, or both, stopped me.

“And what, precisely, do you expect to happen here?” I asked her.

“I hope, of course, that we can come to some arrangement that will allow you to take your friend and go.”

“And if we can’t?”

“Then I’m afraid I’m going to have to kill you both.” She said this in the same tone a kind boss might have used when saying “I’m afraid I’m going to have to lay you off.” It brought a whole new dimension to the idea of “termination.”

“Then I guess we’d better get started,” I said. “What would you ask for in return for letting me leave here with Malcolm, safely, and agreeing not to bother us again?”

“My, my. She certainly does get straight to the point, doesn’t she?” Deirdre asked Greg.

“She always has,” he answered.

“Well, I suppose we could of course ask you to take your friend’s place for a while. No,” she said when she saw the expression on my face. “I suppose not. That wouldn’t accord with your idea of safety, I suppose.” She sighed again, prettily. I was getting awfully tired of her sweet, smoky-sounding voice, particularly when it said things like “I’ll have to kill you” or “take your friend’s place.” I wanted my vampires to have creepy accents and say things like “I vant to suck your bloooood.” At least you knew exactly where you stood with those kinds of vampires: they were horrible and they wanted to drain you of your precious bodily fluids. These vampires blended in with humans too easily; they were far too… cosmopolitan. Too slick and poised and far, far too willing to negotiate for what they wanted.

All in all, they were too much like lawyers for my taste.

Oh. Wait. One of them
was
a lawyer. How convenient for them.

“I guess then that I will have to begin by asking you to hand over your weapons,” Deirdre said.

“What if I don’t have any weapons?” I asked warily.

“I know you have at least one,” she replied. “You were carrying it in your hand when you entered my house.”

Oh. Yeah. That. Oops.

“What do I get in return?” I asked.

“For each weapon you turn over to me, I will allow you and your friend three steps up the staircase and toward the exit, completely unmolested.”

I did some quick calculations in my head.

“Not nearly enough. I want to get us both out of here and all the way home. Completely unmolested.”

“But it is a beginning. And now I know that you do indeed have more than one weapon in your possession.”

Crap. I was too tired for these sorts of mind-games.

She leaned back in her seat with a smile. She was clearly settling in for a long evening of hostage negotiations.

I wasn’t willing to stick around that long.

“Can we just skip to the end? It’s late, I’m tired, and I’m getting frustrated with all things vampire. What do you really want?”

She laughed again with that coffee-and-cream laugh that set my teeth on edge. “Oh, all right. But you’re spoiling all my fun, you know.”

“I really don’t care.”

“Here’s what I want: I want you to turn over all your weapons to Louis. I want to know the location of your military friends’ headquarters. I want your word that you will never attack any of my people again. And finally, I want you, just once, to act as a donor for both Gregory and me. I promise we will take no more than one pint of blood—the same amount you might give at one of your human blood drives.”

I looked over at Greg. His foot had stopped tapping and he was leaning forward eagerly. I looked away quickly—I didn’t want to see him lick his lips the way he did when he saw the young woman on Fordham Road.

I rubbed my hands across my eyes. This was going to take a while after all.

“First of all, I’m not walking completely unarmed through that tangle of vampires upstairs.”

“Kiss,” she said, interrupting me.

“Um. What?” I couldn’t figure out what she meant. She wanted me to
kiss
her? This was getting freakier by the moment.

“My understanding is that the current collective noun for vampires is ‘kiss,’ as in ‘a kiss of vampires.’ Of course, it used to be ‘slither,’ like a slither of snakes. I rather preferred that term myself. But one must learn to change with the times.”

I sent up a silent little prayer of thanksgiving. I wasn’t going to have to kiss her, after all.

“Whatever. I don’t care what you call yourselves. You’re all bloodsucking fiends, as far as I’m concerned.”

She simply continued to smile at me, so I carried on with my own list.

“Second, I don’t know where the guys have their headquarters; all I know is that they call it ‘the shop.’ And I assume you already know who pays their wages.” I waved my hand in Greg’s general direction.

“Very well.” She nodded at me to continue.

“Third, I can’t promise not to attack if I’m threatened. And fourth, there is no way in hell I’m letting any vampire, especially him, take my blood.”

Deirdre tilted her head.

“I accept your explanation about the military men and thank you for the information about this shop of theirs. Your concerns about self-protection may well be justified. Therefore, you may carry one weapon out of here and I will ensure that you do not come under threat from any of my people. I will assume that you will not attack any of them unprovoked.”

So far, so good
, I thought.

“But the taking of blood is absolutely non-negotiable.”

I thought of all the vampires upstairs. No way could I make it out of there alive without Deirdre’s permission.

“How will you take it?” I asked.

“In the usual manner.”

“Usual for you or usual for me? The usual manner for me is to have someone—preferably a nurse or a doctor or a blood drive worker—stick a needle in my arm and have it run into a bag. That’s generally how we all know when they’ve reached their one-pint limit. If we’re talking ‘usual for vampires’ as in ‘bite me and suck the blood,’ then I have no way of knowing when you’ve taken a pint and have to stop.” I felt pretty good about that argument because I wasn’t sure how she could contradict it. If I was going to have to give my blood to get Malcolm out of this hell hole, I would, but I would much prefer to do it in a more sanitary way than having it leeched out by mouth.

“Perhaps we could perform an experiment that would satisfy your concerns in that regard,” Deirdre replied. “Louis, please bring one pint of fresh blood and two glasses. Two straws, as well, please.”

Oh. She was going to time their blood drinking. Again, I say: Gross.

That’s exactly what she did, of course. I won’t go into the details—trust me, they were disgusting. If you’ve never seen someone suck up a wineglass full of blood through a straw, count yourself lucky. Believe me, you don’t want to. Deirdre was fairly matter-of-fact about the whole thing, but Greg enjoyed it far too much for my comfort.

I knew that the test wasn’t perfect—it didn’t take into account the motion of the blood as the heart pumped, and I suspected that the blood in the glasses was slightly cool and likely to have coagulated a bit, so blood-in-a-glass drinking time was probably a bit longer than blood-from-a-body drinking time. But Deirdre countered these issues by offering to cut the time down by a third. It had taken them each roughly fifteen minutes to completely drain a wineglass—about as much time as it would take me to drink a milkshake. So each of them would get ten minutes of my blood. But that meant that in thirty minutes, maybe less, we could be out of this nightmare and on our way home—ignoring for the moment the fact that my home was no longer safe now that Greg knew where I lived.

“Satisfied?” Deirdre finally asked.

“More like nauseated.”

“But you agree to our final requirements?”

I didn’t know what advantage these vampires might gain from drinking my blood, but I knew there had to be something. I hated this. Hated it, hated it, hated it. But, as ever since this night had begun, I had no choice. I had over-estimated my ability to deal with vampires, and I was about to pay for it.

“I agree,” I said.

“Then let’s begin.”

At that moment, the cell phone in my boot began to vibrate against my ankle bone. I spoke loudly to cover the slight buzz it made against the leather of the boot.

“First let me go take my weapons off, though.” I looked around. “I’ll need some sort of bathroom or dressing room or something.”

“Very well. Louis?”

I scurried out of the room behind Louis, thankful that apparently no one had heard the phone go off. I made overly loud small talk with Louis as we walked down the hall, throwing every question I could think of at him.

“So. Where are you from? When did you become a vampire? Do you like it? How are the benefits? You get dental with that?” He didn’t bother to answer.

The phone had stopped buzzing against my ankle by the time we made it to the ladies’ room at the end of the hall, but it started back up almost as soon as I shut the door behind me.

I scrabbled around in my boot, almost dropping the phone in my haste to answer.

“Elle!” It was Nick. He sounded frantic. “God! I was so worried. Where are you?”

I locked myself in a stall. “Long Island. In the middle of some vampire party. Things are not good here, Nick. Come get me!” I hissed into the phone.

“A vampire party? Jesus Christ, Elle, you could get yourself killed.”

“You think? Quit talking and find me, dammit!”

“How am I supposed to do that?”

“Don’t you have some magic GPS equipment or something?”

“No. We don’t.”

“Then try the address list. Under ‘Deirdre.’”

Louis knocked on the door and opened it. “Almost ready, miss?” he asked. It was the first time I’d heard him speak. His gravelly voice rumbled in his chest.

“Just a minute!” I sang out cheerily. Louis shut the door again.

“Okay. Nick. Just listen. I’m not going to hang up, but I am going to turn the volume on my end all the way down. With any luck, you’ll be able to hear what’s going on. And hurry, okay?”

“I will, Elle.”

I adjusted the volume and shoved the phone back into my boot, praying that Nick would be able to hear through the leather.

Then I pulled a stake out of each boot and ripped off the chopsticks that I had taped to my arms and my stomach. That left me with a stake in each boot and a phone in one.

Yeah, that was one more stake than I had agreed to keep. But I figured I didn’t have to play fair. They were vampires.

I was slightly breathless when I ripped open the door and stepped back out into the hall. I handed the weapons over to Louis.

“Okay. I’m ready. Let’s go.”

Greg was still sitting in his chair when we re-entered the room at the end of the hall. Deirdre, however, stood up and turned to face me. With a long, slow, languorous smile, she said, “I need you to remove your clothing and lie on the bed.”

Chapter 16

“Whoa. Wait a minute,” I said, backing up and holding out my hands as if to ward her off physically. “No one said anything about having me remove my clothing. Or about lying down on the bed. You can take the blood, you can even take it by mouth, but I am not going to be naked at the time. You have to get it from someplace that doesn’t require me to be naked. Or lying down.” No. No, no, no. This was even worse than thinking she might want to kiss me.

“Oh, very well. But you will probably want to be sitting down for this.” She gave me a long, slow look from under her lashes. Her eyes had gone completely black, as if the pupil had swallowed up all of the iris and spread out to take over even the whites of her eyes.

That’s one sure way to tell if it’s a vampire
, I thought.
Of course, by the time you see the blacks of their eyes, it’s probably too late to do anything about it.

“Fine,” I said. I flopped down into the wingback chair I’d been sitting in to negotiate with her. “Will this do?”

“That will do beautifully. Gregory, do come closer and watch.”

Greg stepped around to the back of the chair and crossed his arms across the top, leaning his chin on them. I was glad I wasn’t tall enough to quite reach the top of the chair. I would let him take blood in order to save Malcolm, but I didn’t want him to touch me any more than was absolutely necessary.

Deirdre kneeled on the ground in front of me, her back straight, her flat stomach just brushing the front of my knees. The train of her dress trailed out behind her. I couldn’t have gotten my dress to move like that no matter how hard I tried. One of the benefits of wearing dresses for hundreds of years, I guessed.