Learning to Fall (25 page)

Or maybe I already did, and I was just too afraid to admit the answer.

When the pizza arrived I drizzled blue cheese over my salad before using a handful of napkins to soak all the extra grease pooled on top of the cheese and pepperoni.

“That’s the best part you know,” Whitney said around a mouthful of crust.

For as long as I’d known her, she’d always eaten her pizza backwards. Crust to tip instead of tip to crust. I’d never asked why, and she’d never offered an explanation.

“Healthwise, it’s the worst part.”

“Like I said, the best.”

We devoured our lunches in record time, both of us too hungry to talk as we stuffed ourselves with pizza and salad. When we were finished I drained the rest of my water and pushed my empty plate to the side. Whitney sat back with a groan and patted her stomach.

“I ate way too much. I’m never going to fit into the skinny jeans I picked out for tonight.”

“You’ll be fine.” If there was one thing Whitney didn’t have to worry about, it was her weight. She may not have been as thin as I was, but she was curvy in all the right places and filled out her clothes in a way I could only dream about.

“You’re right,” she said thoughtfully. “I’ll look hot. TBoy817 won’t know what hit him.”

“TBoy817?”

“The guy I have a date with. We’ve been talking off and on for about three weeks.” By talking, I knew Whitney meant texting. The only people she actually talked to on the phone were her parents. Everyone else - including me - was delegated to text messages.

“You don’t sound too excited,” I noted.

“I’m not,” she said, toying with her straw. “I don’t think we have that much in common.”

“Then why are you going out with him?” 

She blinked at me. “Free food and drinks. Duh. You know, before I forget I have one very important tip I wanted to give you before you go on your little hiking adventure tomorrow.”

“What is it?” I asked expectantly when she paused.

“Don’t have sex against a tree. Tried it once, and I had bark burn on my ass for
weeks
.”

I threw my empty straw wrapper at her. 

CHAPTER TWENTY

Final

I didn’t sleep.

For seven straight hours I alternated between lying on my bed staring blindly up at the ceiling and pacing tiny, endless circles around my bedroom. For seven hours I went back and forth between staying with Daniel and risking my position at Stonewall…or breaking up with Daniel and risking my heart. Either way, I lost something. Either way, we were both going to be hurt.

When dawn finally came, I dragged myself into the bathroom and took a shower, rinsing tears of frustration and anguish down the drain along with the suds from my shampoo. The same shampoo Daniel had used all those months ago after he’d made certain Whitney and I got home safely.

Wrapping a towel around my body and another around my hair, I padded silently across the hall and into my bedroom, shutting the door firmly behind me even though I knew Whitney wasn’t here (apparently her date with TBoy817 had gone better than she’d been planning) and Daniel wasn’t supposed to arrive until eight.

One hour and seventeen minutes to make the most important decision of my life
, I thought as I glanced at the clock on my nightstand. One hour and seventeen minutes before I decided to go up a mountain with Daniel…or end our relationship for good.

Yesterday I’d thought I could make my decision
after
we came back down from Mt. Battie, but I knew myself, or at least I knew the woman I had become over the past five months, and that woman wouldn’t be able to spend the day with Daniel and then send him away. That woman wouldn’t be able to make the hard decision. The
logical
decision.

Dressing myself slowly and methodically in a rugged pair of jeans and a thick green wool sweater, I combed my hair out and left it to dry naturally on my shoulders. I didn’t put on any makeup. Whether I ended going up the mountain or I staying here, I wouldn’t need it.

I looked at the clock again. The short dial pointed at the seven. The long one was just shy of the six.

Thirty two minutes.

“Oh my God,” I murmured as I sank down on the edge of my mattress and dropped my head between my knees. “What am I going to
do
?”

I knew for some people - maybe even most people - the decision would have been a simple one. Stay with Daniel and just not get caught. But I knew the guilt would eat at me. I knew every time we were out in a public place I wouldn’t be able to help but wonder if this was the day another student saw us. If this
was the day I would be fired. If
this
was the day everything I’d worked so hard for came crashing down around me.

And I couldn’t do that to myself. More than that, I couldn’t do that to Daniel. 

He deserved more.

He deserved to be loved by someone who wasn’t filled with doubt.

He deserved someone who would pick him first.

He deserved someone who would choose
him
instead of their career.

And that someone wasn’t me.

Pain like I’d never felt before sliced through me like a knife, cutting me from the inside out. Doubling over with a soundless cry I hugged my knees and waited for the doorbell to ring.

* * * * *

I was waiting for Daniel when he arrived. Whitney still hadn’t come back, for which I was deeply thankful. I didn’t want anyone, not even my best friend, to witness what was about to happen.

Pulling up next to the house Daniel left his car idling as he walked quickly up to the front walkway. He lifted his hand to knock, but seeing me through the window waved instead. Keeping one arm wrapped securely around my middle, I unlocked the door.

A gust of cold morning air blew in with him, lifting my loose hair, still damp from my shower, away from my face. I stepped back, giving him room to step inside before I closed the door, sealing us in. He grinned at me, cheeks flushed pink from the wind.

“Are you ready to go? You’re going to need something a little heavier than that,” he said, eyeing my green sweater. “It should warm up a little bit as we climb, but you’ll definitely need…” Abruptly he stopped talking, and in that moment, in that awful, agonizing moment that separated us from what we had been to what we were about to become,
I
knew
he
knew even though I hadn’t spoken a word.

“Daniel, I-”

“Why?” he said flatly. “Just tell me why, Imogen. You at least owe me that.”

Had I thought the air from outside was cold? It was nothing compared to the chill suddenly emanating from Daniel. Folding both arms tight across my chest I struggled to explain a decision that had taken me seven hours and one broken heart to make. “I want to be with you. I do. But I can’t stop teaching at Stonewall.”

“I never asked you to stop teaching.”

“I know. I know you didn’t. But that doesn’t change the facts.”

“And you’re all about the facts,” he said bitterly.

I ignored the tiny barb, for it was no less than I deserved. “Someone has to be. I wish I wasn’t your professor,” I said hoarsely as my throat turned raw and ragged. “But I am. And I wish I was the sort of person who didn’t care about the consequences of their actions, but I’m not. And I can’t logically give up something I’ve been working for my entire life for someone I’ve only known for five months, no matter how much I care for them.”

He stared at me in disbelief. “You don’t have to choose one thing over the other, Imogen. It doesn’t work like that.
Life
doesn’t work like that. There are other choices. Other decisions. I can switch classes. I can transfer to another college-”

“No,” I whispered. “That won’t change my mind. I’m sorry, Daniel. I’m so sorry.”

“That’s it, then. That’s your
decision
.”

“Yes,” I forced myself to say. “It is.”

Shoulders rigid, jaw set, expression frozen, he turned to leave.

“Wait!” Suddenly desperate to make him listen, to make him understand, I said the one thing I knew would make him stop. The one thing I hadn’t been able to say. The one thing that had remained trapped inside of me…until now. “Daniel, I love you.”

“You don’t get to say that to me.” He whipped around and the burning heat in his eyes, the boiling
hatred
, made me stop dead in my tracks. “Not now. Not ever again. Do you understand?”

“Daniel, please.” Tears thickened my voice, but I refused to let them fall. “We can still talk about this. We can find a way to still be friends.
Please
.”

“No,” he said simply when I reached for his hand. “We can’t.”

And then he opened the door…and walked out of my life.

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

April

I threw myself into my work. It was the only thing that kept my mind off Daniel.

The only thing that kept me sane.

It had taken me three days to realize my mistake. Three days to come to terms with the fact that I’d made the wrong decision. Three days to bolster the courage I needed to apologize.

By then it was too late, of course. When I tried to call Daniel it went straight to voicemail. When I texted he never replied. When I saw him at night class he was the last to arrive and the first to leave, making it impossible for me to speak to him.

So I focused on my classes. I took on an extra course. I started tutoring after hours. I did anything and everything I could think of to forget about Daniel, but nothing worked.

Nothing except for time.

As January turned to February and February gave way to March and then April, I still thought of him every single day, but I’d become so accustomed to the pain I was almost numb to it. And because numbness was better than feeling too much, I embraced indifference. I craved detachment. All of the progress I’d made in abandoning the old Imogen and embracing the new faded away, leaving me a shell of my former self. Or, as Whitney called it, ‘a hot looking zombie’.

And my life went on like that for a while…until in the blink of an eye, everything changed.

* * * * *

Scanning the papers I held in my hand to make sure I was bringing John the right ones, I knocked absently on his door, a cursory brush of knuckles against wood before I twisted the knob and pushed it open. I didn’t expect him to be in his office. He’d mentioned earlier in the day he would have meetings until after five, and to drop off the book list I’d put together whenever I had a chance. It was a list I had been working on for the past two weeks. New novels (or rather, very
old
novels) I wanted introduced into the curriculum. After polling my students and realizing almost half of the books on the syllabus were ones they’d already read and studied in high school, I was eager to introduce fresh material, but for that to happen I would ultimately need John’s approval.

I was halfway across his office - a bright, sun filled space twice the size of my own - when I heard a soft, breathless moan. I froze in my tracks, the soles of my shoes anchoring to the plain beige carpet as though they’d been coated in sticky glue. The papers fluttered silently to the ground in a wash of white as I looked up…and saw John sprawled lengthwise on the brown leather sofa he kept against the back wall, his arms and legs entangled around a slim, shorthaired redhead wearing nothing more than a pink bra and yellow lace panties. “Oh,” I gasped. “Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry. I knocked but…
Maddy
?”

The shock in my voice mirrored the shock on my student’s face as she slid off John and leaped to her feet, awkwardly using her hands to cover herself as her gaze darted around the floor, looking for her missing clothing. John was slower to react. While I stood there stupefied, not knowing what to say or whether I should stay or go, he slowly sat up on the sofa. Unlike Maddy he was fully dressed. Neither of us said a word as she scrambled around, picking up her shirt from the back of a chair and her jeans from behind his desk.

“I’m sorry,” Maddy whispered, and I wondered if she was apologizing to me or John. She stared straight down as she shoved her legs into her jeans and shimmied them up to her hips. Her face was bright red and tears glittered in her eyes. Given our rough start we’d never struck up much of a teacher-student relationship, but I still felt a strong surge of sympathy for her nevertheless. I wanted to help. To comfort. But I didn’t know what I should say. After all, I’d never taken a class in what to do when you found the director of the English department with a naked student on top of him.

The second her shirt was on Maddy bolted past me, the slam of the door echoing in the uncomfortable silence that followed her abrupt departure. John ran both hands down his face, stretching the skin taut before he stood up and walked behind his desk, using it like a barrier between us. 

“I’m sorry you had to witness that,” he said finally, lifting his head. Our gazes met. He kept his expression carefully neutral but his color was high and I noticed his voice, usually so calm and level, shook ever-so-slightly. “I know what you must be thinking.”

If he thought I was thinking I’d caught him about to sleep with one of his students, then he was absolutely right. My hands twisted together, fingers locking. “John, I-”

“But it’s not that,” he said hurriedly. “Maddy came onto me, Imogen. I swear to you.”

My eyes widened. I didn’t believe him. Not for a second. I
wanted
to. God, did I want to, and maybe someone else would have. By the expectant look on John’s face I wouldn’t have been surprised if someone else already had. But I couldn’t. More importantly, I
wouldn’t
. I wasn’t blind, and I wasn’t mistaken. Even
if
Maddy had come on to John, he’d been a willing participant. More than willing, if I had to guess, and I doubted - even though the thought curled my stomach - this was the first time they had been together.

Maddy has a crush on me.
It started freshman year
…

Maddy was a junior now. Had they been having an affair for three
years
? She would have been seventeen when it started. Just out of high school. Young and naive and away from all of her friends and family. And John…John should have known better. Then
and
now. My fingers unlaced. I drew my shoulders back, spine stiffening beneath the blazer I wore over a yellow silk blouse.

“If what you are saying is true, then why is your shirt unbuttoned?”

He hadn’t been expecting me to question him. It threw him visibly off guard. “I… What?”

“Your shirt.” I pointed at his chest. The blue oxford I had seen him wearing when we passed each other in the hall earlier in the day was completely undone, revealing the white t-shirt underneath. “Why is it unbuttoned? And where is your tie?”

“My tie?” His hands went reflexively to his throat.

“You’re sleeping with her, aren’t you?” Disappointment weighed heavily on me, making it difficult to look him straight in the eye. This was a man I had respected. This was a man I had looked up to. A man I had
trusted
. And all the while he’d been having an illicit affair with one of his students. With one of
my
students. “John…”

His knuckles turned white as his grip tightened on the edge of his desk. “Are you going to say anything?”

I blinked. “You have to know I am going to. John, this is wrong. I like you” -
liked you
- “but that won’t stop me from doing what’s right. This needs to be reported. I’m sure we can keep it out of the press, but something needs to be done. Maddy’s a student, John.”

“She’s a legal adult,” he bit out. “We didn’t break any laws.”

The wave of deja vu that swept over me was so strong I actually took a step back before I caught myself. “You broke ethical ones. You’re her teacher. You’re supposed to help her. Nurture her. Instead you took advantage of her.” If John looked remorseful or even a little bit repentant, I would have felt a stirring of pity for him. Everything that I had been afraid of happening to me was about to happen to him. This was going to ruin his career. He would be fired from Stonewall. Ostracized from the academic community. Shunned by his peers. But instead of being ashamed, he stood before me openly defiant.
Angry
, even. It didn’t make any sense.

“She knew exactly what she was doing.” His top lip curled in a sneer. “And you’re not going to tell anyone.”

“I have to. I’m sorry for what this will do to you, but-”

“You’re not going to tell anyone,” he interrupted, “because you’re guilty of the same exact fucking thing.”

He couldn’t have shocked more than if he’d dropped a bucket of ice water over my head. How did he know about Daniel? How
could
he know? It wasn’t possible. Was it? Seeing my expression, John released a short, bitter laugh.

“You act like you’re so perfect. But you and I both know that’s not true, is it Imogen?”

“I… I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
How did he know?
Daniel and I hadn’t been together for almost three months. I’d ended our relationship for precisely this reason. Because I’d known in the eyes of the college it was wrong and I was afraid of being caught. Afraid of losing everything I’d sacrificed so much to achieve. Afraid of  having the one thing I understood beyond a shadow of a doubt taken away from me. So I’d made a choice. A choice I had regretted every single day since.

I’d given up Daniel for my career… and now I was about to lose my career because of Daniel.

In one fell swoop I was going to lose the two things I had been trying to save. 

And there was nothing I could do.

“That’s good,” John said with a nod. “That’s exactly what you should say. Too bad no one will believe you.” He stepped around his desk and walked up to me, so close I could see the bulging vein in his neck. His breath fanned across my face, a mix of gum and whatever he’d eaten for lunch. “What we have here is a little Cold War. If you tell on me, I tell on you. We both go down.”

I stiffened, but didn’t step back. I refused to give him the satisfaction of retreat. “You took advantage of a seventeen-year-old girl and you’re still taking advantage of her. I can’t allow that to continue. I won’t.”

“So noble,” John said softly. I flinched when he raised his hand towards my face. He stopped just shy of grazing my cheek with his fingertips. “And so fucking naive.” His hand dropped. “You don’t think this sort of thing happens all the time? Well it does. You should know. You did it yourself.”

“I didn’t know he was a student.” Even to my own ears, my words sounded like exactly what they were: a hollow excuse.

“I’m sure the dean will understand,” John said with mocking sympathy. “Do you need me to help you explain it to him?”

I glared at the man I had thought was my friend, disgusted by his arrogance but even more disgusted with my own ignorance. How had I not seen John for the predator he was? I’d let myself be charmed by his smile and his kindness and his easy going, all-american guy attitude. I had overlooked things I should have paid closer attention to, starting in the coffee shop all those months ago. It had been right there, staring me in the face. Maddy’s jealousy. John’s over-eagerness for me to report my suspicions, making me feel as though they there were unfounded. Yet I’d said nothing. I’d done
nothing
. Now it was too late. Now there would be consequences.

Consequences more severe than I had ever imagined.

“What you are doing with Maddy is wrong and you know it.” It was a struggle, but I managed to keep my voice steady. “You’re taking advantage of her, John. How old was she when it started? Seventeen? Eighteen?”

His faux sympathy vanished in the blink of an eye, replaced with a layer of smugness that turned my stomach. “Old enough to know exactly what she was doing.”

“Have there been others?” I asked. John didn’t answer. At least not with words. His expression told me everything I needed to know. “Oh my God,” I whispered, stumbling back a step. The door knob pressed painfully into my spine. I barely felt it. “How could you?”

“Imogen, Imogen, Imogen.” He clucked his tongue. “The question is, how could
you
? I have to admit, I’m a little impressed. I never figured you for the type to fuck one of your students. It kind of turns me on.”

“You’re awful,” I whispered.

“Join the club.” Pushing a pile of papers to the side, he sat on the edge of his desk and crossed his arms. “Look at you standing there, so self-righteous and judgemental, when you’ve committed the same exact sins.”

“No.” Tendrils of hair slipped out of my coiffure and whipped across my cheeks as I shook my head vehemently from side to side. “No.” What Daniel and I had was
nothing
like this. What we had was special and rare and beautiful. What we had was the exact opposite of whatever sick, convoluted relationship John had dragged Maddy into. “You’re wrong.”

His head canted to one side. “You say that as though it makes a difference.”

“I’m going to tell the dean.”

“No you won’t,” he said confidently. “Because if you do, I’ll make sure you burn right alongside me.”

I opened the door. Forced myself to swallow the hard knot that had formed in my throat. Met John’s gaze and took dark, secret delight in the way his eyes widened with sheer panic when I said, “Watch me.”