Keeping Secrets (35 page)

“I wanted to find a perfect time and place, but… I’m not real good with words and romantic stuff … you know? Like getting down on my knees with a ring the way English people do.”

Sadie laughed and kissed him again, never wanting to let him go.

“Mark, you don’t need to. But I do want a clock,” she teased.

A clock was the traditional Amish engagement gift. Once a young girl received her clock, whether a grandfather or a pendulum clock for the wall, the union was sealed for coming nuptials.

“I will let you have my mother’s.”

Suddenly, after that, he became shy, sensitive to the fact that this may be bad timing with his mother dying. Was it all too dark and foreboding for her? How could she say yes? There was no way her life would ever be easy. Perhaps she had no idea how hard.

“I probably have a pretty good idea what I’m in for. I mean, our dating has been a bit complex at times. To put it politely.”

“All my fault. Every time.”

“No, of course not. I just have to remember that you are … well, not like other people.”

They laughed together, Mark held her and murmured his love. The fact that she would marry him put him in a state of disbelief.

“But why? Why would you marry me?”

“It’s so simple, Mark. I love you. I know we’ll have many dark valleys to go through, but this love will sustain us. I want to be with you. I want to make your breakfast, pack your lunch, wash your clothes, fold them and put them away…”

“Hopefully sleep in the same bed with me.”

Sadie felt the color warm her face.

“That, too, of course.”

“Sadie.”

Suddenly, there was a different tone in his voice. Again she became quiet.

“I have been with other women. I’m not…” He couldn’t go on.

Sadie nodded.

“Mark, it’s okay. I figured as much. But…”

She needed to know, even if it was a question that would be old-fashioned and maybe even offensive.

“That was before you gave your heart to Jesus? Before you were baptized into the Amish faith?”

“Of course, Sadie.”

“I’m so glad,” she whispered.

And she was. His sins were forgiven, washed away by the blood of the Lamb. Thanksgiving welled up in her heart as that realization settled in, brighter and more real than ever before. For without the love of God, what would their union become?

Sadie’s nature was not perfect either. She was full of selfishness, jealousy, and other weaknesses that would not serve his insecurities well.

Search my heart, O God, and show me my weaknesses. That was all she could think until it became a sort of benediction.

They sat together for a long time, talking of their future and making plans for the wedding. At last Mark spoke of his longing to find Timothy.

“It breaks my heart, to think of Mam’s sadness for Timothy. I remember him well. He was so thin, whining and crying. I honestly think he drove her nuts. I’ll do anything to honor her wish to find him.”

“But Mark, why were you so cold when she asked you to find him?”

“Sadie, listen. There’s one thing you will need to understand. Every single time I’m confronted with my past, I want to lash out, hurt someone, blame someone, make it all go away by the power of my own anger. Do you have any idea how horrible it is to remember the things I am forced to remember? Did you ever hear a child crying steadily all night long because of an empty stomach? The Jell-o… I can still smell it, feel the sticky, sugary powder against my hand as I shook a portion into the stinking, plastic, milk-stained bottle. I can’t eat strawberry Jell-o to this day. I did what I had to do, but the gigantic despair I lived with is like a coiled snake, ready to strike. I can’t really explain it … fully, I guess.”

Sadie closed her eyes as tears leaked between her lashes and made wet trails down both her cheeks. Mark held her closer and kissed her forehead.

“Timothy wasn’t very healthy to begin with. And Mam… Well, she wasn’t really abusive, but she took out a lot of her frustrations on Timothy. That … in a way, is why I’m almost afraid to find him. How could he possibly have turned out to be a normal human being? He sure didn’t have much to go on those first few years. His little bottom got so sore from his constant diarrhea. I feel so bad about that. I did the best I could, but there weren’t always clean diapers. I…”

Sadie cut him off.

“All while I was in Ohio, eating my mother’s good cooking, wearing her well-washed laundry, playing on the manicured lawn, living with the love of two good parents. I had no clue I had something special going on in my life.”

Suddenly she sat up and turned to meet his brown eyes.

“And, Mark, I guarantee, if I would have been able to, I would have brought you a whole bunch of groceries. Better yet, I would have packed all of you in a car and brought you home.”

“But…” Here Mark threw back his head and laughed, a free and beautiful sound.

“You probably weren’t even born yet!”

M
EELY’S PAIN WAS THE
demon they all battled, but Tom’s dark face and wondrous smile had a way of brightening even the most trying hour.

Hospice provided more pain-killers. They also brought the best mattress available, with a large gel-filled overlay. The gel moved through the well-built tubes of the mattress to relieve the pressure on her thin body.

Even so, no one could touch her. The softest, most gentle touch evoked shrill cries of alarm, pain, and horror.

She cried, begged, then finally, when her newfound faith found its footing, she prayed.

The hardness in her eyes was gone. They were now clear pools of love. She spoke of it, she whispered of it, and she sang songs of God’s love. She sang “Shall We Gather at the River?,” “How Great is Our God,” and “Beulah Land,” then lapsed into a soft conversation about her darling baby Beulah.

“You know, I must not have been all bad. I loved her. If I could only tell her that. You will someday, right, Mark? Tell her how cute she was, how I kissed her. I did love her.

“But you know, the love I have for her is such a tiny drop compared to the love we receive from heaven. The angels love me now, Well, I guess they did before, but I just didn’t accept it. They’re waiting for me. Not me. My soul. It’ll fly away when I stop breathing.

“You know, I loved Atlee at one time. I love him now. I can’t wait to see him. And I don’t have to tell him I’m sorry. He already knows. Isn’t that wonderful?

“Praise his name! Praise his goodness!”

And she was singing softly, humming under her breath. Then she slept, her thin chest heaving, then rising and falling slowly.

Her lips were so dry, so painfully cracked and brittle. Ever so gently, Sadie wet a sponge and moistened the once-beautiful mouth. Meely moaned with pain in her sleep.

Tom sat with his head bent. He held Meely’s hand, whispering his prayers, still praying her through this.

Sadie sat wrapped in her robe, her dark hair pulled back in a ponytail, her head resting on the back of the red wing-chair, her legs drawn up and curled beside her.

Mark sat on the carpet, his head resting against the arm of the chair. They could barely stay apart from each other now. Their engagement opened a whole new world of love, dispelling any insecurities or doubts about each other’s feelings that they may have felt before. They often discussed their plans to spend the rest of their lives together.

Tom had cried openly when they told him about their engagement. He cried, laughed, rejoiced, even danced around the kitchen, singing an English wedding song. Mark recognized it, but Sadie was completely perplexed.

He brought a cake, served it with ice cream. Malinda and his three “men” came, too.

Malinda was at least 250 pounds and had the most beautiful face Sadie had ever seen. She wore a multi-colored silk head wrap. Her beautiful eyes were pools of liquid amber, and perfect black eyebrows accentuated her golden brown complexion. Her full, soft lips were always drawn into a half-smile. Her clothes made her look like an African queen in swaying, brilliant skirts. A smartly-cut top made her silhouette appear well formed. A person of unquestionable presence, her movements sort of sailed through the rooms.

Their three boys, whom Tom called his “men,” were polite, well-spoken, and seemed completely happy and well adjusted. Teasing their parents, —“Jus’ jivin’ wid ya,” they’d say—their handsome faces were wreathed in smiles almost all the time, their laughter quick and easy.

Sadie wondered what kept those loose jeans from falling down, the only saving grace being the looser T-shirts that nearly reached their knees. Their odd shoes were either orange, green, or purple. Jeptha wore what looked like black pantyhose on his head, while Levi wore his hair in long coiled cornrows.

The family was full of an endless stream of laughter, love, and a generous helping of goodwill toward everyone in the room and outside of it.

Sadie asked Malinda if the family always got along in this manner and was astounded to hear an adamant, “No! Oh, no. Huh-uh, man. Who you think we are, huh? We people.”

After they all left, Sadie and Mark looked at each other and laughed.

“What a great family!” Mark said, shaking his head.

The Hospice nurse left a short while later, so they went to the bedroom to sit with Meely while she slept. They didn’t try to touch her at all, knowing it would only bring pain rather than comfort.

They took their seats and made themselves comfortable, ready to keep the vigil once more. They noticed something different. There was a quiet aura about Meely —too quiet.

Mark looked at Sadie, a question in her eyes. She responded with raised eyebrows.

Had she passed away so suddenly? When she was all alone? But, no. She was still breathing, though it was shallow and erratic, almost imperceptible. Then she stirred.

Mark reached her first. He put out his hands to guide her as she slowly sat up, but surprisingly, she needed no assistance.

Sadie was at Mark’s side, astounded.

“We can’t…” she began.

But Mark held a finger to his lips. They watched in disbelief as she turned her body and moved to put her feet on the floor. Their hands were outstretched, ready to catch her, but there was no need.

Was the setting sun casting this golden glow throughout the room? Or was it the glow of hovering angels?

Slowly, Meely’s thin white feet touched the carpet. As if in a dream, she lifted her thin arms and walked to Mark. She smiled, and her dark eyes filled with a light beyond earthly comprehension.

With a soft cry, Mark enfolded her in his strong brown arms. Then they swayed, back and forth, in soft, undulating movements.

“Goodbye,” she whispered, her dance of love complete.

Mark bent his head and kissed his mother’s cheek, then led her back to the bed. He laid her down quietly and gently. He held Sadie in one arm, his dying mother in the other, while cleansing tears of healing rained down his cheeks.

“Goodbye, Mam,” he choked.

And then Sadie knew she was gone. Her soul had taken its flight.

It seemed she had been partly in heaven and partly here on earth when she danced with Mark. She only needed to give away this great love before she left to be with Jesus.

Mark knelt by his mother’s bed, sobs coming hoarsely at first, until the power of them sent him to the floor, where his grief turned to tormented keening that could not be stopped.

Wisely, Sadie stayed back. This was not ordinary grief.

This, she supposed, is what happens when a person takes her own way. She is like a barge propelled by a huge diesel engine of self-will, leaving disappointment and all-consuming sadness in its wake. When the end comes, when the barge runs aground and spills toxic oil into the pristine sea, it is those left behind who deal with the slick, poisonous hatred of unforgiveness for the rest of their lives.

But there was Jesus’ forgiveness, yes. And there was closure for those damaged in the wake, oh, yes!

Sadie would never forget this moment. Sadie would never forget the sweetness of that whispered, “Goodbye.” But to see Mark in the throes of this disappointment was almost more than she could bear. The disappointment of a wasted life. The anger of every hardship he had ever endured. The desperate, endless, life-draining swimming to get out of the toxic oil.

Now he had partially saved himself. He had to try and save his siblings. At least find them.

The future looked daunting and dangerous. All Sadie could see was a black dragon breathing fire, and she had no sword to slay it.

But she suddenly remembered, neither did David when he went up against the giant and slew him. How often had she heard that story? As a child she always sat up and paid attention when the preacher spoke of David and Goliath. Perhaps Mark’s past and the deep grief of his mother’s death, perhaps all that was their Goliath, a giant they must face together.

Then slowly the storm ceased, leaving Mark in a fetal position, his hands tucked between his knees. He shuddered, relaxed, then slowly rose to his feet. He stood silently with his back toward Sadie, looking at the still form of his mother.

Suddenly he turned on his heel. “Call Tom. I’m going out,” he said brusquely, refusing to meet her eyes.