Josie Griffin Is Not a Vampire (6 page)

“Fair?” Avis cackled. “It’s separate but equal for paras and humans in the judicial system. Separate laws, separate courts, separate sentencing, all overseen by the Council.”

I looked around Buffy’s. At the girl with hoop earrings, sitting on a stool. The guy with blue streaks in his hair, messing with his iPod. The twins over by the door. Did everyone here think they were a paranormal human being? Or was it just Helios, Tarren, Avis, and Johann who were delusional? Or maybe they were trying to pull an elaborate prank on me? “So everybody here is a para? Even them?” I pointed to the gaggle of gaunt girls who were macking on Johann earlier.

“To tell you the truth, we’re not sure what they are,” Avis said.

“Obviously not entirely human,” Tarren added.

“They followed Johann here one day, begging to be bitten,” Helios said.

“They live near me.” Johann looked annoyed, like an older brother who can’t shake his little sisters.

“I think they’re a coven who believe the kiss of death will keep them skinny forever,” said Tarren.

“They are so tiresome,” Johann said.

Tarren giggled. “Aren’t you ever tempted, Yo? Just a little nibble?”

Johann waved his hand. “No, no. We don’t do that anymore. Not the good ones, anyway. It’s strictly animal blood these days.” He sighed. “We’re a dying breed.”

“Except you’re already dead,” Tarren said and everyone, except Johann and me, laughed.

“Just what are you, exactly?” I asked Johann, because I wanted to see how far they would carry this.

“Isn’t it obvious?” he asked and I shook my head.

“Vampire,” he said as if it were no big deal. I tried to keep a straight face.

“And you?” I asked Tarren.

“A faerie, duh,” she said.

I looked at Avis.

“Shape-shifter,” he said.

“You mean like a werewolf?” I asked, and fought back a smile because he seemed like the least menacing person I’d ever met.

“What?” he asked, his mouth in a tight, angry line. “A brother can’t be a werewolf?”

“No, no.” I shook my head and held up my hands. “Far be it from me to say what you can and can’t be. And you?” I turned to Helios. “Let me guess,” I said. “You’re the Greek god of the sun?”

He frowned at me. “Many generations removed, but technically, yes.”

“And is everyone in this place also in anger management?” I asked.

“No,” Tarren said. “Only the ones who get in trouble. Like us.”

I couldn’t decide whether to laugh or dive in and ask more questions. On the one hand, telling me they were vampires, werewolves, faeries, and Greek gods was capital
C
crazy, but on the other, it was fascinating. What would make a group of kids act like this? Boredom, drugs, too many bad novels and movies? Then again, they seemed so serious about it all.

“So?” Tarren said, staring at me with those intense green eyes. “What are you?”

I decided at that moment to go undercover because the truth was, I hadn’t had this much fun in months but I knew if I was going to stick it out with them, I would have to play along. “I’m a…” I glanced from person to person. Avis crossed his arms and stared hard at me. Johann frowned while I hesitated. “Werepire,” I blurted out.

“A werepire?” Tarren said, drawing back. “Sounds like a word I would say.”

“It’s a mix,” I told her, as if I were offended. “My
mom’s a shape-shifter and my dad’s a vampire, so I’m a werepire.”

They all looked at one another. “I’ve never heard of that,” Tarren said.

“Can we interbreed?” Avis asked Johann.

“What powers do you have?” Helios asked me.

“None,” I said. “Because of the cross-breeding. I’m like a mule.”

“Ah,” Helios said as if it all made sense now. “That’s probably why your parents haven’t told you about the Council. They probably thought it would never be an issue for you.”

“Exactly,” I said.

“And you really broke your boyfriend’s windshield with an actual baseball bat?” Avis asked.

“You mean instead of sucking his blood or ripping his heart out with my claws?” I asked, enjoying myself immensely.

Suddenly Johann sat up and said, “Wait a moment. Vampires can’t procreate.”

“Don’t you have parents?” I snapped.

“For societal purposes only,” he said. “They did not birth me.”

“Well,” I said with a shrug. “I don’t know what to tell you. My parents had me and…oh crapsicle!” I yelled and started digging in my pockets for my phone. “What time is it? I was supposed to be home for dinner at six.”

“It’s past six o’clock,” Helios said.

“Crap!” I hopped up from the table. “I’m so sorry.
It’s been great meeting you all.” I checked every pocket on me and then realized that my phone must be in the khakis I left in the car. “But my mom is going to kill me. Not literally,” I said and laughed a little. “Because werewolves don’t kill their own children, right? Thanks for letting me join you!” I called over my shoulder as I hurried out the door.

r
unning through the parking garage, I thought I heard footsteps behind me, but every time I turned around, I only saw shadows lurking. When I hit the street, the sun had started to set and the streetlights had come on. It was later than I’d thought and I knew that my parents would be livid. I ran all the way back to Illinois Street, glancing over my shoulder again and again because I couldn’t shake the feeling that someone was following me. But the only person out was the homeless guy who’d made his bed of cardboard on a park bench across the street.

When I got to Gladys, I dove into the backseat. Sure enough, my phone was in the pocket of my khaki pants, but since New Josie didn’t believe in planning ahead, the battery was dead and I was screwed. “Crap!” I yelled as I scrambled into the front again. I jabbed the key into the ignition and Gladys did her usual wheezing
and barking, but she wouldn’t turn over. “Come on, baby. Come on!” I pounded the steering wheel. I turned the ignition again and got the same sad response. “You can do it, Gladys. If there’s ever a time I need you to go, it’s now.” I tried and tried and tried, but Gladys just wouldn’t start. Defeated, I pounded my forehead against the steering wheel and yelled, “Crapitty crap crap!”

I jumped when someone knocked on my window. My first instinct was to scream and my second instinct was to pound my fist down on the door lock. I looked out the window, expecting to see the homeless guy, or worse, but instead I only saw a looming dark shape.

“Yosie?” I heard. “Are you alright?”

I cranked the window down—another advantage of having a crapmobile, the windows actually rolled down even if the car won’t start. “Johann?” I asked, peering into the darkening night.

He stepped aside so light from the streetlight came into my car. “Are you having car troubles?”

“Uh, yeah, but what are you doing here?” I was really creeped out then. “Did you follow me?”

He leaned down and stuck his head in my window, but then he reared back. “What’s that horrid smell? Has something died in your car?” He leaned forward again, sniffed, and licked his lips.

“No, it’s just not very clean, but that’s beside the point! What are you doing here?”

“I left after you. I live nearby. I heard you cursing in the car so I thought I’d see if you needed help,” he said.
He stared into my eyes again. “Would you like my assistance?”

I snorted. “Johann,” I said firmly. “Stop looking at me like that.” I was about to roll up the window, but then I realized that other than finding a pay phone that worked or a public bus, I was out of options. I sighed. “Do you have a phone?”

Johann scoffed. “One of those pocket contraptions? Never! It’s a crime what they cost. But you can come to my house and call from there.”

Maybe I should have found the guy scary. After all, there was the whole delusional vampire thing to contend with, but at that moment my choices were to walk the deserted streets alone or go to Johann’s house and call my mom. “How close do you live?” I asked.

“A few blocks,” he said, pointing south. “In Lockerby.”

It might not have been the smartest thing to do, but I got out of the car and walked with Johann anyway. There was just something about him that seemed utterly harmless and besides, if there was any neighborhood downtown that was safe and full of people, it would be Lockerby, so I figured I’d be okay. If he tried anything funny, I could run up on somebody’s front porch screaming bloody murder.

But nothing happened. We walked silently through the quaint little streets, passing row after row of small wooden bungalows. I’d always loved this neighborhood because it looked like something out of a different time
and a different place. The houses were small and packed tightly together, not like the gargantuan McMansions taking over the urban sprawl oozing from the borders of Indy. The whole area, with its white picket fences and blooming azalea bushes, was just so dang cute. I couldn’t imagine anything bad ever happening there. And then I wondered if Johann was like me. Maybe he was bored with his sweet little life and pretending to be a vampire was his out, just like quitting the cheerleading squad and becoming an angry blogger was mine.

I followed Johann up the creaky front porch steps of his house. “After you,” he said and held the screen door open for me.

The inside was nothing like I would have expected. Everything was straight out of an old home ec textbook. Totally
Leave It to Beaver
. The carpet was mint green. The couches were low and covered with plastic and the walls were covered with hideous paintings of big-eyed children lost in alleys. Weirdest of all was a giant stereo with an actual turntable and humongous speakers taking up one wall of the living room. Soft instrumental music, maybe a bossa nova, hummed along in the background. Johann stopped and held out his hand to me. Awkwardly I laid my hand on his icy palm. He tried to pull me close, but I kept my distance as he tugged me across the carpet, stepping in time to the music. “The telephone is in here,” he said as he danced us through the living room and dining room, into the kitchen where I promptly wriggled away. God, he was wacko.

He flicked on a round fluorescent light to reveal orange and brown linoleum and a seriously old-school green fridge, like the one my grandparents had on their farm before they moved to assisted living in Florida. The phone was even more of a relic. It was mounted onto the wall and had a rotary dial. I couldn’t hide my fascination.

“Whoa!” I picked up the clunky handset. “This thing is an antique!” I started dialing while I chuckled. “It’s going to take me five minutes just to call my mom.”

Johann leaned against the spotless yellow Formica counter. He looked tired and pale and I wondered if he could be sick. Maybe he had some horrible disease and pretending to be a vampire was part of his coping mechanism.

My mom picked up on the third ring. “Mom, I’m sorry, but it wasn’t my fault,” I said before she had a chance to get mad.

“My dad’s coming to get me,” I told Johann when I hung up. “But it’ll take about fifteen minutes. We live in Broad Ripple,” I explained.

“Do you mind if I have something?” He motioned to the fridge. “I’m famished.”

“Go right ahead,” I said and tried to suppress my grin. Guess vampires eat just like everybody else.

As he crossed the kitchen to open the fridge, his mother rounded the corner and we both jumped. I’m not sure who was more surprised, me or her. The way
she looked from me to Johann and back to me, I got the feeling that Johann didn’t bring home many girls. But I was too weirded out by her whole Donna Reed meets Morticia Addams vibe to say anything. The woman had a black bouffant hairdo with a tiny pink bow nesting on top of her head, which matched perfectly her crisp pink and white checked shirtwaist dress. And the weirdest part—she was actually wearing a little white apron tied in a neat bow around her waist. If it weren’t for her pale skin and gray half-dead eyes, she would have looked like she just stepped out of a 1950s sitcom. No wonder Johann was so messed up.

“Johann?” she asked, her voice pitched an octave above any normal person. “Did you bring home a friend?” Then, I swear to god, she leaned forward and sniffed me!

I stumbled back until I was pressed against the countertop. Did I reek or something? Yes, my clothes had been festering in my gym bag for a few weeks in my backseat, but I couldn’t possibly smell that bad.

“Hello, Elaine,” Johann said from behind the refrigerator door. “This is Yosie.”

Since good manners had been drilled into me since I was a toddler, I stuck out my hand and smiled politely. “Nice to meet you. I’m Josie,” I said, exaggerating the
J
.

She reached for me shyly. When our hands met, I nearly jumped. She was freezing! Worse than my grandma who wore a cardigan even when it was eighty degrees outside.

I glanced back at Johann who had pulled out a white carton from the fridge and was getting a glass from the cupboard. “She’s in my group and she had car trouble, so I told her she could use our telephone,” he explained to his mom as he pushed back the edges of carton’s spout.

His mother let go of my hand and continued to stare at me, perplexed. “But…” she said and paused. “Is she…?”

“Huh?” Johann asked, distracted by the stubborn spout that wouldn’t open. He glanced at her and then, sensing her discomfort, he shrugged. “She’s half,” he said. Then he looked at me. “What did you call it? Vampwere?”

A surprised laugh popped out of my mouth. He was going to put on this show in front of his own mother! And she was going along with it? Wow. I pressed my lips together. “Werepire,” I said, and the blood rushed into my cheeks because, no matter how much I might have changed recently, I still hated to lie to adults, an Old Josie trait I’d probably never lose.

His mother closed her eyes and inhaled deeply, then the tip of her tongue poked out and caressed her lips as she stood perfectly still two feet from me. Bizarre! I would never complain about my mom again.

“Her mom’s a shape-shifter and dad’s a vampire,” Johann said, finally loosening the spout. “Did you ever hear of that before?”

His mother had closed her eyes and didn’t seem to be listening, but still I sputtered, “Oh, well, I…”
embarrassed by how far this had gone. It was one thing for me to make up stuff to a group of weirdo kids I’d just met; it was another to lie to someone’s mother, no matter how odd she might be.