Intimate (18 page)

She panicked.

The unexpected
and entirely new sensation made her stomach spasm in fear, and she jumped off his
lap awkwardly, taking a few running steps across the room to put some distance
between her body and his.

Then, of
course, she felt absolutely stupid.

Caleb stared at
her open-mouthed. After a tense silence, he asked, “Marissa?”

“Sorry,” she
muttered, knowing her face was blazing and that she was shaking from confusion,
panic, and lingering desire. “We’ll be late for the party.”

He watched her
soberly “We don’t have to go. If you’d rather—”

“I want to go
to the party,” she interrupted sharply, terrified that he was going to mention
something that would get her all hot again. “It would be rude not to.”

Something
changed in his eyes. “All right,” he said lightly, getting to his feet. “Sorry
I intruded on your privacy.”

The fear in Marissa’s
belly transformed into an ache of regret. She hated herself for how silly and
cowardly she was acting.

How had she
turned into such a wimp?

“It’s fine. No
harm done.”

He just nodded.
“You ready to go?”

They left the
apartment and rode down the elevator in silence. Marissa watched him nervously
out of the corner of her eye. He looked cool and detached and perfectly in
control. As if he was completely untouchable.

Which meant, of
course, that she had hurt him.

The ache in her
stomach moved to her throat.

He had been so
kind and patient with her, and she was acting like a child.

Sex wasn’t that
hard. People had it every day. Twenty-three-year-old women shouldn’t panic when
they felt a little arousal.

Well, things
were going to change. She was going to pull herself together. She wasn’t going
to be a victim of her stupid, long-standing issues. She had her fair share of
courage and resolve, so all she had to do now was use them.

By the time she
had come to this noble decision, they were getting out of the cab in front of
the restaurant.

Caleb hadn’t
said a word in ten minutes.

“Hey,” she
murmured softly, as they headed toward the entrance. “I’m sorry I hurt your
feelings.”

“You didn’t.”

She rolled her
eyes, hating when he played this little game. “Don’t lie to me. I know you too
well. Remember? I
did
hurt you by pulling away, and I’m telling you now
that I’m sorry for it.”

He shook his
head. “You have every right to pull away whenever you want to. I know you don’t
want me yet, so I shouldn’t keep pushing myself on you.”

It would be so
easy to let it go with this. So easy and safe to let him think this was true.
But she was determined to be brave, and that meant being honest. “That wasn’t
exactly what happened,” she mumbled, glancing away.

“So tell me
what
did
happen.”

“I panicked.”
Then she darted her eyes back to gauge his reaction.

His defenses
still evident in his eyes, he asked, “Because you didn’t like what I was
doing?”

“Because I
did.”

It took a
moment for this to register, but then Caleb’s face transformed. Something
palpable flared out in his eyes.

She thought
maybe it was hope.

“You did?” he
murmured, taking a step closer and sliding his hand up to the back of her neck,
under her hair.

“Yes—and now I
suppose I’m going to have to suffer through your smugness at the phenomenal
achievement of having turned me on.” She gave him a wobbly grin. “But you did.
I was definitely feeling something.”

They smiled at
each other for a minute.

Then, as they
walked into the restaurant, Caleb's hand moved to her back in a possessive way.

Marissa was
feeling pretty pleased with herself. She’d been brave. She’d mended the little
rift with Caleb. And they’d made a step forward in their relationship.

All it had
taken was some honesty, some embarrassment, and some smut.

*
* *

A few hours later, they were
kissing in the hall outside the private room where the birthday party was
breaking up.

Finally pulling
away, Caleb dropped a kiss on her cheekbone. “We should stop, but you’re just
too irresistible.”

Realizing that
she was nestling against him in a ridiculously needy way, Marissa tried to
temper the overwhelming sweetness. “You’ve become quite a sap in the last few
weeks. Did you know that?”

Laughing, he
lowered his mouth to the dip between her neck and shoulder. Kissed the skin
softly and then teased it with his tongue. “I know. I’m hoping very soon I’ll
get my bite back.”

He bit her. To
emphasize his words, she supposed. But the sudden feel of his teeth on her
sensitive skin had a very unexpected effect.

Marissa felt
another lightning bolt.

She forced
herself not to pull away, although that was her first instinct. Instead, she
reached up and twined her arms around his neck. “Good. Because I adore you for
your bite as much as for your sweetness.”

He pulled his
face up and stared into hers for a minute. Then, with a strange little groan,
he met her lips again in a passionate kiss.

The kissing
part was lovely, but Marissa began to feel flickers of resistance as Caleb pressed
his chest against hers. And even more when he slid his hands down to cup her
butt and pressed her hips into his pelvis.

Marissa turned
her head away, sucking in an urgent breath and trying with all her might not to
yank herself out of his arms and run away.

She was brave
now. And she wanted this. She wanted Caleb.

She had nothing
to run away from anymore.

Caleb loosened
his arms. “We should stop. This isn’t the right place to take it any further.”

Infinitely
grateful, she could now pull out of his arms.

She tried to
think of Caleb and how much she loved him and not of nauseating, dirty memories
from her childhood.

“Do you want to
do anything else this evening?” he asked, “or do you want to just go home?”

Marissa was
absolutely convinced that he didn’t have any underlying agenda in mind with
that question. He was being kind—being polite—and she appreciated it.

But she was now
more determined to be brave than ever, so she swallowed hard. “Let’s go back to
my apartment.”

*
* *

As soon as they walked into her
apartment, Caleb hauled her into an aggressive kiss, pressing her body back
against the wall.

They hadn’t
talked much during the cab ride back, but only because they’d been kissing the
whole time.

Marissa knew he
was aroused, but he’d still been careful and thoughtful with her as they’d made
out in the backseat.

She’d enjoyed
all of it until his fingers had accidentally brushed against the side of her
breast.

She hadn’t
pulled away though. She'd been brave. Just shifted her body until his hand was
once more safe on her side.

But as they
rode up in the elevator together, Marissa could feel a pulsing energy coming
off him—some sort of intensity coiled tightly inside him. His face was slightly
damp, and he had a wild look in his eyes.

Marissa could
have stopped him. She could have said goodnight before she let him in the door.

She had her
issues, but she wasn’t entirely stupid. She knew exactly what Caleb would do as
soon as she let him into her apartment.

But she let him
in anyway, even though her heart was now drumming painfully.

She wanted so
much to be brave.

So now he had
her pushed up against the wall, and she was imprisoned between the hard wall
and his hard body.

His mouth devoured
hers, his tongue pillaging and plundering. He was pushing forcefully against
her, holding her in place. And his hands were everywhere, tracing up and down any
part of her he could reach.

She was
assaulted by waves of heat, pleasure, and terror. Couldn’t think. Couldn’t act.
Could only receive what he gave her. Could only let him do what he was doing to
her.

She knew he
needed her. Knew he was trying to please her. Knew that if only she held on to
her courage everything would be so much better for both of them.

But it was so
hard.

Her body was
physically responding to his embrace, but there was so much more going on
inside her. Her feelings were torn, twisted. She thought she might scream.
Thought she might pass out.

Was sure this
wasn’t a normal reaction. Just more proof that she was all messed up.

Caleb knew what
he was doing—his hands and mouth were both passionate and skillful. And he was
completely wrapped up in her, lost in her, making low sounds of pleasure and
need.

He was so hot.
And so hard. And so everything at once. She could barely process it, could hardly
understand that one man could be everything, everywhere, everyone—at this
moment the whole of existence.

When he pulled
away from her slightly, she sighed in relief, but it was a relief that only
lasted a moment. His hands, which had been on her hips, slid up to cup her
breasts over the fabric of her top.

She let out a
soft grunt as she felt his palms chafe her nipples. And before she could even
begin to get her bearings, his mouth descended once more to the side of her
jaw, nibbling little lines back and forth.

“Marissa,” he
murmured over her skin. “You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, God, Marissa.”
His hands continued to move purposefully on her breasts, and her nipples
automatically tightened in response.

Clutching at
his shoulders, she couldn’t do anything but feel. She supposed this was the
point where excitement and desire should have taken over. She should be crying
out her pleasure, tearing off his clothes, reaching out to fondle him. Trying
to pull him even closer.

But she
couldn’t. Couldn’t do anything but hold on frantically and will herself not to
fall to the floor.

She could feel
the tugs between her legs from his stimulation of her breasts, but it wasn’t
the lightning bolt she’d felt before. And it wasn’t entirely pleasant.

Instead of the
jolt, she felt a strange, dull ache at her center and a heavy feeling in her
gut. One she didn’t like at all.

The more Caleb
kissed and caressed her, the stronger the feeling grew.

Marissa
eventually realized she was making a whole series of sounds—loud gasps and pants
and occasional silly moans. They were all involuntary, but only some of them
were from pleasure.

She felt like
she was in an oven. Suffocating. Unable to take a real breath.

“Marissa,” Caleb
groaned, his lips moving to the throbbing pulse in her throat. “Is this good? Marissa,
tell me. Please tell me I’m making you feel good.” He sounded hoarse and hungry
and desperate. He’d lost his natural articulateness.

She tried to
shape a word. All that came out was a choked, “Eh.”

He was almost
out of control now—this extraordinary man frantic with desire for her.

He needed her
so much, and she wanted to please him. Wanted to please herself.

Wanted so much
to be brave.

“Marissa?” he
asked again, his face buried in her neck. “God, Marissa, you feel so good. Tell
me if you want this.” Using his thumb, he gave one hard nipple a firm flick,
and she gasped as the dull ache between her legs intensified.

The heavy
feeling in her belly intensified too.

But she wasn’t
going to be afraid anymore. This was Caleb. He was everything to her. She was
going to do this—despite the way every instinct in her body screamed at her to
resist.

Sucking in a
desperate swallow of air, she forced one word out of her throat. “Good.”

It wasn't
completely a lie.

Some of what
she felt
was
good. She loved being close to Caleb. Loved how much he
needed her. Loved that there seemed to be this pull between the two of them,
always compelling them to get even closer.

But she was
feeling other things too. Feeling panic, feeling sick, feeling disoriented and
bewildered. And those weren't good feelings at all.

If only it
wasn’t so hot. If only she could take a deep breath. Form a complete thought.

With a lingering
moan, Caleb thrust his pelvis into her abdomen, and she felt the hard bulge of
his arousal. She clawed at his shoulders, trying to ignore the way everything
in her body was starting to tighten at this sign of how close they were now to
sex.

Still rocking
his erection against her, he closed over her lips once again, and this time he
sucked her tongue into his mouth. She tried to respond, tried to act instead of
just receive. Didn’t do a very good job.

Then she felt
something else, something other than his lean body, hard erection, intense
heat, urgent mouth, and the solid wall behind her back.

She felt his
fingers under her skirt. On her thigh. Between her legs. Even farther in.

All the way
inside.

Fuck being
brave. Marissa just couldn’t do this.

Instead of
clutching at his shoulders, she pushed him away, choking out, “No, Caleb, wait.
I can’t.”

He let go of
her immediately, his face twisted. Then he let out a loud bellow of frustration
and jerked his whole body away, whirling around and taking a few long steps
away from her.

Staring at his
stiff back, she crossed her arms across her chest and squeezed herself,
fighting against all the feelings that bombarded her. “I’m sorry,” she gasped.
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to be a tease. I really thought I could…I wanted
to…I just couldn’t…”

“I know,” he
interrupted. “You have nothing to apologize for.”

Marissa’s face
crumpled as she watched him. He must be so mad. So disappointed in her. He
wouldn’t even turn around.