Innocent on Her Wedding Night (19 page)

Making her recall his teasing comment about having soft hands for their honeymoon and pull away, her blush deepening.

‘Just don’t tell me you’ve opted for Spain after all,’ he went on, his glance faintly sardonic. ‘Although I gather the golfing life didn’t work out, and your mother’s now in Portugal.’

‘It was Mr Tanfield who didn’t work out,’ she said. ‘But Mother’s fallen on her

feet, apparently—found a rich widower who adores her.’

‘You don’t have much contact with her?’

She shook her head. ‘Jamie suspects she’s knocked a few years off her age, and grown-up children wouldn’t fit the legend.’

Daniel’s brows lifted. ‘She’s all heart,’ he said dryly. He paused. ‘So what are your long-term plans, Laine?’

‘How odd,’ she said. ‘I was going to ask you exactly the same. You—your house must be nearly ready by now?’

‘Getting there.’ Dan refilled his glass. His smile was hard. ‘You really can’t wait to be rid of me, can you, darling?’

‘I’d have thought you’d be equally keen to go,’ she returned. ‘To have your own space—your privacy again.’ She looked down at the polished surface of the table.

‘Be honest, Dan. You’d never have taken on this flat if you’d thought for one minute that I’d suddenly turn up here.’

‘No,’ he agreed reflectively. ‘Probably not.’

‘So,’ she said. ‘Have you a moving date yet?’

‘Nothing settled.’ He paused. ‘In fact, I’m no longer sure I’m going to live in the house even when it is finally finished. I may simply sell it on.’

She remembered Belinda’s discontented words. Wondered if she was the reason for this change of heart. She said steadily, ‘Builders, delays, supplies, penalty clauses. I suppose all that can be a turn-off—in certain circumstances.’

‘But you don’t have to worry,’ he said. ‘Whatever happens, I’ve decided not to stay on here any longer. As soon as I find somewhere else I’ll be gone.’

Gone, Laine thought. A small word, short and sharp, like a bullet through the head. And as final.

‘Well,’ she heard herself say, as she picked up her plate and set off with it to the kitchen, ‘that’s—good.’

She hadn’t expected him to follow, or to lounge in the doorway as she washed up and scrubbed out the pan.

‘A muted reception of such momentous news,’ He commented. ‘I thought you’d be jumping for joy.’ He paused. ‘And you don’t ask why I’m going.’

Because I already know. I’ve seen her—talked to her. Can see why you’d want to find somewhere new and perfect to share with her.

She shrugged. ‘It’s not my business.’

There was a silence, then Dan said quietly, ‘Has it really been so bad?’

Worse than you could ever imagine, she cried out in her heart. And worst of all will be watching you leave and knowing that this time it’s for ever. That you’ll never hold me again, even in kindness.

That I’ll never know what it’s like to be kissed in passion by you—touched… And that there isn’t enough pride in the whole world to compensate for that. For the aching void my life will become without you—without ever having known you.

Belonged to you—for just one night.

‘No,’ she said. ‘Really, you’ve been—very considerate.’

He said bleakly, ‘I seem to specialise in that,’ and turned back into the living room.

So what do I do? Laine asked herself when she was alone. How do I choose between one lifetime of regret and another?

All I know is that I want him more than life itself, and I’ll never forgive myself if I don’t take this last chance—and try, just once, to make him want me in return. To prove that I’m not a child.

Even if I don’t know where—or how—to begin to be a woman. But, whatever the cost, it has to be worth it. To be—just briefly—his wife at last.

And have it to remember—always.

How on earth, Laine asked herself, did you go about seducing a man? Especially one who was sitting staring into space, his face brooding and his mouth set, apparently not even aware that you’d deliberately sat down next to him instead of choosing a seat on the other side of the room, as he might have expected.

She reached for her refilled glass and took a substantial gulp. Dutch courage—of which she might need every scrap.

She drew a deep breath. ‘It’s strange, isn’t it? That we should start talking to each other now—just when you’re about to leave.’

‘Did we talk?’ Daniel asked abruptly. ‘It seemed to me we only skirted round the edges of a few no-go areas.’

‘We could always—try again.’ She paused. ‘For instance, you asked if Andy cleaned me out. Yes, he did. But perhaps that wasn’t the worst of it.’

‘No,’ he said. ‘He left you to the mercies of some other bastard.’ He added harshly. ‘Unforgivable.’

‘That’s a terrible word,’ she said with swift vehemence. ‘Everyone deserves a little forgiveness. Because sometimes you can’t help what you do,’ she went on, remembering in spite of herself the look on his face when he’d left her that terrible night two years before. ‘When you’re in trouble, and your life is falling to pieces around you, then you have to try and save yourself—whatever the means.’

She added in a low voice, ‘And if you hurt someone you can only hope with all your heart that they’ll understand one day why you were forced to do it.’

And waited—wondering if he would indeed understand what she was trying to say.

But Daniel only smiled cynically. ‘I think most of us are rather too human for that, Lily Maid.’

‘Don’t call me that,’ she said passionately. ‘It—it’s a childish name.’

‘And probably inappropriate for other reasons too,’ Daniel drawled. ‘My apologies, Miss Sinclair.’

She bit her lip. Of course he thought she’d slept with Andy. That she’d only rejected him, not other men. And she’d have to let him think so. Because if she told him she was still a virgin it could prompt some awkward questions.

She said, ‘Can I ask you a question?’

‘What do you want to know?’

When you leave here, are you moving in with Belinda? Are you going to marry her?

No, she thought. Not that. Because you might not like the answer.

A different query pushed itself forward from some deep corner of her mind, where it had lain almost forgotten. Almost but not quite.

She heard herself say, ‘Did my mother want you to sleep with her?’

His appalled expression as he turned to her was genuine. His hasty, ‘No, of course not,’ was less convincing.

She said, ‘You can tell me the truth, Dan. I’m a big girl now.’

His hands descended on her shoulders, gripping them without gentleness. ‘What the hell has she been saying?’ His voice was hoarse with urgency. ‘My God—did that lying bitch actually dare tell you I took her to bed? Is that why—?’

‘No,’ she said. ‘No, I promise you she didn’t. In fact, I had the opposite impression. It was just a passing remark, but it left me wondering, that’s all.’

His hands fell away from her. She saw a muscle move in his throat as he swallowed. He said stiltedly, ‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have spoken about her like that. Let’s just say it was one of life’s more embarrassing moments for both of us, and leave it there.’

He paused. ‘Now can I ask you something?’

‘I—suppose.’

‘Why did you marry me, Laine, and then refuse to be my wife?’

She’d known it must come. Had prepared for it. She said quietly, ‘Because I realised that, however good one’s intentions may be, you can’t simply command love to exist. Not the real kind—the way two people should feel about each other if they’re going to spend their life together.’ She took a deep breath. ‘And when I understood that I knew I couldn’t bear a marriage that was just a cheat.

And that I had to stop it.’

‘Just like that?’ He asked harshly. ‘Without giving me a chance to try and make you happy?’

‘But you couldn’t have done that.’ She didn’t look at him. ‘I’d have had to pretend. And how long could that possibly have lasted?’

He was silent for a moment, then he said bleakly, ‘I asked for honesty, so I can hardly complain when I get it.’ He glanced at his watch and rose. ‘I have an early start tomorrow, so I’ll say goodnight.’

It was now or never. As he turned away, she reached up and took his hand, halting him. ‘Daniel, before you go, will you kiss me?’

He looked down at her. ‘Laine—I don’t need a bloody consolation prize.’

‘And that’s not what I’m offering.’ She rose too, and moved to him, sliding her arms round him under the open shirt, flattening the palms of her hands against the hard muscles of his back. ‘Please, Dan,’ she whispered, and all the months and years of longing sounded in her voice. ‘Please kiss me.’

For a moment he hesitated, then slowly bent his head and took her mouth with his. It was the lightest of pressures, but she felt the kiss quiver through every nerve-ending in her body.

Involuntarily, she pressed closer to him, letting the taut peaks of her breasts, proud under their thin cotton covering, brush the warmth of his bare chest as her lips parted beneath his, inviting a deeper and more intimate possession.

For a moment he responded, the silken glide of his tongue meeting hers, then with startling abruptness it was over, and Dan was lifting his head, putting her away from him, his hands gripping her shoulders as he held her at arm’s length.

He looked at her unsmilingly.

‘What’s going on, Laine?’ he asked. ‘What game are we playing here?’

‘I don’t know what you mean.’

‘I mean I’m the same man that you couldn’t bear to have near you—whose touch disgusted you. What’s suddenly changed?’

‘Perhaps I have.’ She hesitated. ‘Dan—it was a long time ago.’

‘Strange,’ he said. ‘I remember it as if it was yesterday.’

She swallowed. ‘And—because of that—you don’t want me now?’

Oh, God, she thought, the ultimate humiliation. And she’d asked for it.

‘On the contrary,’ Daniel drawled. ‘The idea of you, naked and willing in my bed at last, has an appeal all its own. But the scale of your previous rejection makes me—wary. I’m sure you can understand that. So, what do you want from me, Laine?’

‘I—I don’t know.’ It was pathetic, but it was also the truth. That door in her life was still waiting to open.

‘Then maybe you should think it over carefully and decide,’ he said. ‘Before you risk making another terrible mistake.’ He paused then added grimly, ‘Because if I get to the point of no return with you, and find you’ve changed your mind again, I shall not take it well. Don’t say you weren’t warned.’

He released her and turned, walking towards his room.

‘Daniel.’ It was almost a whisper. ‘Stay with me, please. Don’t go.’ Hold me again. Kiss me until I stop thinking…

At his door, he paused and looked back at her. ‘I’m not going far, Laine. And if you decide you want me, you know where to find me.’ He added evenly, ‘But if you come to me, by God you’d better mean it.’ His mouth twisted. ‘However, I shan’t hold my breath.’

His door closed and he left her standing alone in the middle of the room, fingers pressed to her tingling lips.

She thought, almost wildly, I can’t do this. I can’t just—present myself to him, as if I was some slave girl going to the Sultan. He can’t expect that…

And stopped. Because that was it, she realised. He didn’t expect it—or anything else from her. He thought she’d forget whatever passing madness had taken her into his arms just now, and opt for her own bed and safety.

Probably I am mad, she thought, as she went into her room. But I have a long, lonely time ahead of me to be sane.

The nightgown she’d bought for her wedding night was still there, wrapped in tissue and pushed to the back of a drawer. She’d always meant to throw it away, but never quite managed it. Now she knew why.

It floated round her like a delicate cloud as she crossed to his room and opened the door.

One of the bedside lamps was switched on, but Daniel was lying motionless with his back to the door. For a moment she thought he was asleep.

Not waiting for her. Expecting nothing.

Then he turned slowly, almost reluctantly, and looked at her, propping himself on an elbow.

He said softly, ‘Are you quite sure?’

For answer, she slid her hands under the straps of her nightgown, pushing them off her shoulders so that the mist of fabric slipped silently to the floor.

Naked, she thought, as he wanted. But her willingness might depend on him—and whether past anger outweighed present desire. Something which only he could decide.

He was very still, staring at her as if he could not believe what his eyes were telling him. Then suddenly he moved, throwing back the covers and striding round the bed to her, lithe as a panther.

He took her in his arms, his hard nakedness against hers, his hand tangling in her hair, tipping her head back as he kissed her for the first time in heated sensual demand, bruising her lips, his tongue a flame in her mouth. His hands moved slowly, commandingly, down her body, from throat to thigh, in a gesture of total possession.

Then, still kissing her, he picked her up and carried her to the bed.

‘Aren’t you going to switch off the lamp?’ When she could finally speak, her voice was a husky thread.

‘No, I want to see your eyes,’ he whispered back as he bent over her, his hands moving in languorous enjoyment over her throat, her shoulders and down, brushing her breasts with such tantalising grace that a small, helpless sound was forced from her. ‘To know that you like what I’m doing.’

‘I’d tell you…’

‘You could fib.’ His fingers were cupping her breasts, his thumbs moving lazily, circling the rosy peaks, making them swell and harden under the enticement of his touch.

‘I wouldn’t…’ She choked the denial.

‘You mean you’ve never faked an orgasm?’ His lips smiled against the pulse in her throat. ‘You must be unique.’

And if ever there was a time to confess that she’d never experienced orgasm, or any of the other bewildering delights being revealed to her starved and restless body, it was right then and there.

Except that it was already too late. Because his mouth had moved downwards now, and he was kissing her breasts, his tongue curling round her erect nipples, creating such helpless, excruciating pleasure that this time she could only manage an incoherent whimper as she arched towards him.