Incendiary (The Premonition Series (Volume 4)) (52 page)

“You haven’t had
free will
s
ince I saw you last,” he replies
. “Everythi
ng after that has been survival—
c
ompulsion—
f
orce,” Xavier says while his fingers curl
around mine.

“Who els
e knows about this?” I ask
, feeling the heat of his fingers warming mine.

“Abou
t us?” he asks, and I blanch and nod
.
“Tau, Cole, Phaedrus—
” he says, and he smiles
when my eyes sh
o
ot to his in surprise.

“Phaedrus knows? How
long has he known?” I ask
.

“I spoke to him at Dominion.
I
needed answers and…his council,
” Xavier admits
.

“And he advi
sed you to tell me that we were
friends be
fore we came here
...
forget high school, I mean,
before
high school...umm...before I was born?
” I ask as I worry
my lower lip in concentration.

“We were more t
han friends
in high school, and
yes, we were much more than friends
before Earth
, but
…no
, he didn’
t advise me to tell you,
” he replies
. Holdi
ng my fingers in his, he brings them to his lips and kisses
them.

“Don’t,” I say
, pulling my hand from his
.
“Wha
t did Phaedrus say?” I ask
, needing to hear Phaedrus’ opi
nion. Phaedrus is a Virtue
, not to mention the angel who performed the binding rites between Reed and me.

“He has his philosophy
…and I have mine,” Xavier states
cryptically.

“Wha
t’s his philosophy?” I counter
.

“You are as tenacious as ever,” he smile
s
.

“Xavier,” I growl at him while he tucks
a wisp of my hair behind my ear.

“Time,” he responds
. “He thought that you m
ight need time to know me again—
”

“THAT WAS GOOD ADVICE!” I scold
him.

“No,” he objects
, “y
ou’ve been running wild on your
own
without me. You’ve had to keep moving just to stay alive. I need you to know that I’m here for you…and w
hy. I need you to know me again—
that it was your plan for me to be here with you.”

“Why should I believe you
or trust you ever a
gain
? If what you’re telling me is true, then that means
you left me here
alone,” I accuse as my voice turns
raw with
emotion, for which I can’t account
.

“I hope that you never learn the exacting toll of being rip
ped apart like that,” he replies quietly. Pain registers
in
his eyes as his hands close
around mine. “To ache from the knowledge
that I may never hold you again—
to count the moments, like grains of sand, while we were parted only to escape the sky and find that you
still only know
me
as a boy from school
…” He trails off. His eyes
sea
rch mine
for any glimmer of recognition from me.

“Xavier,
I don’t remember anything but this
life,” I say
, my eyes imploring his. “I remember high school and you throwing wads of paper at me in the
bleachers at assemblies.” I point
at him, “
A
nd Drivers Ed! You remember—
the time you and Cole sat in the back seat of the Drivers Ed car and pretended like every turn I made would be our last?”

“You were
being too cautious,” Xavier says tenderly. He reaches
his hand up to stroke my damp hair. “If you had taken those turns any slower, we’d still be there.”

“Whatever,” I retort
, irritated that he’s still able to tease me, even in the midst of this conversation. “My point is that what I remember of you is not flattering.”

“
Junior
Prom was nice,”
he says softly.

“
Yes and you told me a few week
s later that you didn
’
t thin
k we were right for each other,”
I point out,
surprised to realize that I still feel the sting of that rejection
, even after all that has happened since then.

“We were becoming too close,” he replies with a frown. “
You were too
fragile...I was losing control.”
His eyes soften
. “What if I told you that being with y
ou gives the night its purpose?”
he
asks
. “I
have memorized
the curve of your body
when
you’ve lain
in my arms. I’ve
listened
to your delicate
breath, while I’ve
pillowed your
head on
my
chest. And one day soon, I’
ll be the one who steals your strength with just a kiss
,” he says
, while placing my hand b
ack on his chest so that I
feel the primal beat of his heart under my fingertips.

“I don’t remember
you
ever holding me like that
,” I murmur,
shaking my head and trying to pull my hand from him.

“Y
ou didn’
t know I was there
,” he says
sof
tly.
“
It wa
s
my job to protect
you
and part of that was protecting you from the knowledge of what we are
.
”

“
I don’
t kn
ow you at all. It was all lies,”
I repeat, nearing despair.

“Y
ou
know me. S
oon,
you’ll remember
us,
”
he murmurs.

“And if I don’t?” I ask, seeing pain enter
his eyes again.

“You will,” he replies
, like a promise.

“You can’t tell Reed,” I state abruptly, while my mind tumbles
over itself for ways to exact a promise of silence from him.

“Why not? He has
to be told about us,” he replies
, and my fingers on hi
s chest
curl
into a tight fist
.

“Why does he have to know? I
t’s all in the past—
high school.
I
t’s the kind of thing that
would make him…” I
trail
off
as I bit
e
my lower lip.

“
He has t
o be told, Evie,” Xavier replies
with his eyes narrowing into a frown. “It’s not something that I plan to keep a secret.”

“WHY!” I shout
, while I pull
my hand aw
ay from him again. Color floods
my cheeks at the thought of Xavier telling Reed anything about what we may have been to each other in a time that I can hardly even imagine, let alone remember.

“It will
answer questions that he must’
ve been asking himse
lf since he met you,” he replies
.

“What que
stions?” I retort
, panic rising in me again.

“He must have wondered how he came
between two soul mates,” he says
in a gentle voice. “It is an alliance that is virtually unbreakable.”

“You’re s
aying you did that?”
I ask
in a rush. “You came betwee
n Russell and me?”

“Not me…you,” he says
quie
tly. “It was what you asked for
:
a r
eward for your mission here on E
arth.”

“I’m sorry,” I say
in confusion. “I don’t understand.”

“You asked
for a love of your own choosing,
not one that had been created for you. Soul mates are corresponding halves
of a whole
created to fit together in perfect symmetry. You wa
nted a love of your own making—y
our own creation…the ultimate
free will
. You did it for me—
f
or us,” Xavier says
in a reverent tone that only ca
uses
me to panic more.

“No,
you’re lying! I
’
d never do that to Russell,” I say
, shaking my head.

“Things were different between both of you
,”
he says.

“Why? Why were they different?”
I ask

“
They were
different because you love me,”
he replies with a smile touching his lips.

“
I love you? You’
re saying
I chose this mission
for you
? I chose to be the first angel with a
soul?” I ask
.

He nods
with a solemn expression. “And I came wi
th you to protect you.”

“But, t
hen you left me here,” I reply
, feeling stiff and taut.

Xavier’s expression turns
almos
t desperate. “I was called back!
I had no choice in the matter:
no
free will
,” he says
grimly. “Every moment away from you has been a crushing weight
with no
relief
.
”

“Xavier,” I say
, trying to shrug his
hands o
ff my arms, but he pulls me against
his chest and hugs me
.

Whispering agai
nst my hair, he says
, “You know
me. Y
ou must remember me, Evie
. It is your singular sweetness—
your f
ire that burns within me and I have to find a way to bring you back to me.”

“X
avier, I can’t come back to you,” I whisper.

He
tighten
s
his embrace for an
instant before his arms
ease
from around me as
he let
s go of me
. “Yo
u have no choice, Evie,” he says
with a sad smile. “Our futures are
weft in
patterns that will not allow us to fall away from each other. The fabric of time will tell our story, with or witho
ut you willing it
. Y
ou will know me
again
.”

“And Reed?” I ask
, fearing what he’s tel
ling me.

H
is mouth thins
in a narrow line. “Maybe he can become like the sea and forget the shape of things that once wer
e, but now are lost,” he replies
.

“His
shape is burned into me,” I respond
with intensity, pointing at my chest. “I will never forget him.”

“‘Never’ is a deceptiv
e concept, Evie,” Xavier replies
with an air of cal
m. “I prefer to wager on always—
the infinity ahead to kiss
your lips, to touch your skin—to
help
you rediscover the love
between us.”

“
There’
s
nothing between us, not anymore
!” I disagree sternly,
crossing my arms over my chest.

“There is
!” he counters
with equal heat. “I made you a promise that I wouldn’t allow you to forget me and I intend to keep that promise.”

“This is insane,” I mutter as I rub
my brow with a shaky hand. “You’re speaking of things I can’t even begin to respond to.”