In the Shadow of the American Dream (3 page)

I ate so much at dinner tonight that I am busting. I can't eat another drop. I am finished with my section of the watch and am now going to sleep. Good Night!

Tuesday, August 31, 1971

I did not have to run and dip this morning. Instead we set up the dishes and silverware and served breakfast. I am on duty again. (The time is now 8:39.) So far no calls have been made except some lady telling her husband's friend that her husband was sorry about not calling because his mother forgot to give him the message.

Breakfast was the usual oatmeal, 2 slices of bacon, 2 pieces of corn bread, and milk or coffee. I sneaked a peanut butter and jelly out of the kitchen. I am really hungry. Maybe it's all this exercise.

I am now waiting for my friend to get back from reading poetry at the morning meeting. Tomorrow I go on solo. Hmmm …

I just found out that I am sailing tonight and camping on an island until tomorrow, when I will be placed on an island for three days (solo). I am generally excited about what type of sleeping spot I will have. Where I will eat. What I will eat. And how the weather will be. Will I be able to start a fire, etc.

Well, I am now packed and am ready to sail as soon as everyone gets together. A boy in my watch caught a garter snake. It got away. I feel weird because I want to leave as soon as I get back from solo but I still haven't spoken to Rafe, the director. I think I will speak to him as soon as I get back. I will continue as soon as I eat dinner or else find out where I will be soloing (which island).

We just finished getting under way. One boy fell overboard. I will be writing a letter for Charlie to give to the director (Rafe) while I am away since I did not have a chance to speak to him before I left. I am going to ask him to telephone my mother and get her permission for me to come home. I hope she says yes (as I really know she will).

It is dark now and I have just set up my tent. I am damp and slightly cold but this night we had steak and baked potatoes and fruit salad to eat, sort of like a last meal. Happy that I am on solid land. I had a few more arguments with some kids in my watch so I will be glad to get on solo.

Wednesday, September 1, 1971

I am now up. Today I shall be put on an island by myself. The name is Babbitch Island. I am cooking breakfast for everyone else. It is now 5:10. I just finished breakfast and am cleaning up. I found out that I will be going to my island by powerboat. Thank Swami, because the pulling boats we use are so damned slow. Ugh!

Well, I am about to have hot cocoa in a pan, what a way to live. I finished getting checked to see if I or anyone else smuggled food with them. Well, I will soon be on the island.

Are you alone?

Are you alone? asked the man and his wife as I trudged past their trailer.

Are you alone? asked the gulls.

Are you alone? asked the ocean.

Are you alone? asked the frogs.

If a man is alone in this wide earth, then a neighbor is of no help.

I am on my island and have set up my tent. I have already eaten a lunch of stewed raspberries. It could have used some sugar, but I was quite contented with it. I am on my way to catch some clams and limpets for dinner. Dessert will be some glasswort (seashore plant—edible). I have found an incredible clam bed about halfway around the island from where I live. The clams are about five inches long. I found that it is easy to get to clams and limpets only when the sun is over behind the raspberry patch.

I will draw a map showing what I know of the island. I really enjoy watching the seals swimming about the cove. I was quite shocked to find out there were seals up in Maine. I thought they were in Alaska, etc. But they swim back and forth and occasionally will climb a rock and rest. This morning we saw ten of them on our way to the islands. I will now go and cook my clams, using a cup of sea water for the salt flavor. I am using a huge mussel shell as a spoon or small dish.

There is an abundant supply of rose hips, a plant that bears tomatolike fruit. It tastes like a mealy apple. The petals of the flowers on rose hip bushes are tasty also. Rose hips are the chief source of vitamin C. So I will eat a few every day.

I am now eating dinner. The sun is as high as ever. I am now doing a drawing of a limpet after being boiled.

I have finished dinner. I had raspberries for dessert. I don't enjoy eating these wild foods. I keep thinking of Blimpies, Cokes, ice cream, candy. Oh, how I wish I were home.

It is strange but for some reason I have changed and I know it. I have taken for granted many, many things. I will be happy to go into a food store and buy an apple or a cupcake. I will be more than happy to be walking on streets where people sell plastic flowers and pretzels and jewelry. Where the days are darker than the nights at times. To be able to come and go as I please. No island to restrict me.

Thursday, September 2, 1971

Well I am up and ready for a day's work. This morning I will not eat but will take a walk around my island to find more sources of food other than glasswort, rose hips, limpets, periwinkles, clams, and raspberries. I have found a plastic jug which might prove to be helpful. If I cut it in half it could be a bowl. I will try to think what other uses it could have.

Last night I was feeling pretty sick for some reason. Not my stomach, but my head. It was all cloudy. I went to sleep at approximately 6 o'clock.

The checkup men in the powerboat just came. They come once a day to see if your signal flag is up. If it isn't up and you don't wave to them then it means something is seriously wrong.

I must really be psychic because I was walking down to put up my signal flag when I saw a long board. I went over to it thinking there might be a snake under it. Well, just before I got to the board something moved on the grass. I thought it was a toad, so on a close look, I saw part of a snake gliding through the leaves. I caught another green snake. I was tempted to keep it but I let it go.

I just found a huge supply of glasswort past my clam bed. Glasswort is tender, juicy, and already salted with healthful sea salt. Continuing past another cove I found an excellent cattail supply. Cattails can be husked and boiled ten minutes to produce a delicious meaty substance. Cattails grow in freshwater marshes so I will see if I can find any freshwater things to eat.

I have ended up on the other side of the island. I have tried fishing, but there is no luck. I am getting dizzy from time to time from need of food. It is difficult to get used to some of the available sea plants, etc. I dropped my roll of fishing line and it fell a long ways and started to sink. I started pulling in the line as fast as I could which brought the line spool to the surface. I grabbed it. It was hell trying to wind up all that line but I managed it.

I think I will go for a swim later on when I get back.

I feel so sick I can hardly walk. The sun is too strong. I have a terrible headache.

I am about a quarter of a mile from my tent. Thank Swami.

I will cook my food that I have gathered and eat as soon as I get back. I am famished.

I have finished eating and I feel like throwing up. I can't wait to get back to Hurricane Island and to the meals they serve there. I feel like taking a nap which I think I will do.

Across from my cove is another island. I see a signal flag. One of my friends must be on it.

I just woke up and feel a bit better. I am not so hungry so I will fast until tomorrow. Then that will mean one more day and I will be back again. It is very strange when you don't use your voice for a period of time. You begin to realize how quiet things are and how beautiful nature is. I hear all kinds of birdcalls while I am writing this. At times I try to answer the call but some are too beautiful which makes it difficult.

I am going for a short walk to find some more curios. I have collected some already. It is fun to find something different from anything you have ever seen. It is low tide now so I can get closer to the water. I finished looking because my strength seems to be draining. I threw up already. I don't know what to do.

My curios are just the regular things I have been finding. I do not have any feeling or urge to draw in my sketch pad. I keep thinking of good wholesome food. I can't stomach all these foods out here. I am stomach-sick of clams, limpets, raspberries, and Christ knows what else. I am at this moment sick of every goddamn thing in this world. I wish I were home. I will try to leave right after solo.

I have been throwing up left and right. I ate some cattails and clams. That's when I started getting really sick. I will see if they will let me go back tomorrow morning. I can't eat any of this food. I need the normal food they serve at H.I.O.B.S. and at home. I am going crazy. I absolutely have to leave.

I was getting used to the course but I have had enough. I had enough a week ago but I stuck it out until solo thinking I would enjoy the rest. My stomach is killing me. I can hear the juices gurgling inside me. Today I made contact with the island across the way. After the boat left I heard shouting. It was Ricky, my friend. I could barely make out his words but apparently a boy named John in my watch was put on the other side of the island. He made his way to Ricky's camp and stayed there all night. Apparently he is very scared and homesick. He was going to leave about three days ago but Rafe the director talked him out of it.

Anyway I heard him blow his whistle so he is trying to make contact but I feel too sick to go all the way down to the beach and shout my lungs off. I'd probably end up puking. I think I will go to sleep in a few minutes.

I would rather wake up in the middle of nowhere than in any city on earth.

Friday, September 3, 1971

Last night I went to sleep just before the sun went down. I was not scared. I had quite a lot of trouble getting to sleep because I was getting cramps in my legs and stomach. Also I was extremely hungry. I had about one hour's sleep altogether.

Late last night my plastic tent was illuminated by light. I thought it was an unusually bright moon. About a half hour later the light was in the same position. I wanted to see if it was a full moon so I put on my glasses and poked part of my head through the opening. It was not the moon, but someone's flashlight. I was terrified. So I did only what I thought of, and that was to call and say, Who is that?

The light switched off and whoever it was walked down past my tent and onto the path leading to the cove. I am still very frightened from that. I poked my head back into the tent and remained barely breathing for about twenty minutes.

I vomited twice early this morning. I am writing this while waiting for the boat to come. I did not put up my blue flag because I want them to stay ashore so that they can take me away from this place.

I am still very frightened. Tried lighting a fire, but I used up the rest of my matches. I keep thinking I am hearing things. Like walking around in the woods. I am seated on a homemade bench by the sea. The waves are coming in faster and the birds are beginning to chirp. Thank Swami.

If they don't take me off this island this morning I will swim across to the next island where my friends are. I mean it.

I just finished packing all my things. I have had to. I am going to leave this morning. When I get to Hurricane Island I am going straight to Rafe and demand that he call my mother for permission to let me go home.

I can't wait to get back to New York City again. I keep thinking about the 8th Avenue Bakery, the candy stand in the drugstore, and Smilers food store sandwiches. I am driving myself crazy with the thought of good food. So far there are only signs of lobster boats. The Meka powerboat is not in sight. When it comes I am going to explain what happened last night and tell them that I can't stomach the sea plants and animals. I pray to Swami that they will take me back. I don't care what anyone thinks about me. I'm just sick and tired of all this. I want to be able to eat when I want and where I want. I want, I need time before school starts to adjust myself to the city. It will be bad to be depressed and then go to school at the same time.

My legs are feeling like lead weights are draped around them. I can barely walk. I keep thinking what I am going to say to the people in the boat or back at Hurricane Island. I keep thinking of the city. And all of the food stores. I also think how the children starving in India, Biafra, S.E. Asia, and the U.S. feel. Here I haven't eaten in two days and I feel this sick? Imagine what they feel.

I will be so happy when I am at the airport ready to board the plane. I JUST CAN'T WAIT. I keep hearing jets and planes passing by and it is nerve-racking waiting for the Meka powerboat. The sun is 1/8 across the sky.

The Meka boat appeared and went to my friend's island to check if everything was okay. He did not come here. If anything happens to me I am going to bring charges against the Island or H.I.O.B.S.! I think this is pretty sickening. Here I am getting cramps, starving, and throwing up, and the boat misses this island.

The sun is getting stronger. My head is getting cloudy.

Excuse me, but the Meka just came. They said for me to sit down and drink water every once in a while. They said that they were going to check the north islands and would be back this afternoon. If I thought I could stay until tomorrow morning, I could, or else if I didn't think I could take it, they would bring me back. I am definitely going back. I really couldn't take another night of staying awake and having cramps.

NO SIR, NOT ME!

I need some good normal food in my stomach. I'm not going to feel bad that I am going back early. I have to if I want to feel better. Some solo. Here I thought I was going to enjoy myself. What a laugh.

No sign of the Meka yet. I really do hope it comes back for me. All my stuff is on the beach and I am lying here writing to pass the time. I keep thinking about food and I am going absolutely crazy. You know that you can have food just about any time you want in the city. If you are starving, you can steal some. But, out here on an island there is no packaged food, only what you can find. And that makes you sick. If they don't return for me then tomorrow I am definitely going home after a meal on Hurricane Island.