Imaginary Grace (38 page)

Suddenly I was at a loss as to what to say. Scott was right, there was nothing to explain – she knew everything.

“Yeah, just what I thought,” she said. “Let me ask you something – at what point did you plan on pulling the plug on your little charade? What kind of person thinks up a scheme like that? You know…when I first met you I kept saying to myself, ‘Wow, he’s not at all like I thought he’d be,’ but you know what? I was wrong…you’re
exactly
what I thought you’d be – a typical asshole-thinks-he’s-hot-shit-guy!”

“Grace, listen,” I began, but she put her hand up to stop me.

“No, you listen. This ‘thing’ we had, it is
so
over. I swear every time I think about you and your buddies laughing behind my back I just want to…I just want to…”

And that’s when I saw her eyes begin to glisten with tears. I reached out to touch her, but she quickly slapped my hand away and then turned away.

“Grace, please,” I pleaded. “I know I fucked up. I should have been straight with you as soon as I realized that this was going somewhere, but I…I couldn’t. For the first time I actually cared about someone, and I was too afraid that…that you’d leave me if you found out.”

She walked away from me and sat down on one of the stools in the kitchen. She leaned her elbow on the counter with her head resting on her hand. After a minute, she looked up and said, “You know, the sick thing is that I actually believe you. I don’t think it’s
possible
– even for
you
– to fake what we had so well, and for so long.”

“You mean
have
Grace, what we
have…
”

“No, that’s where you’re wrong,” she said, “I meant
had
. It’s over, Tanner. It has to be, because I can’t even look at you without being reminded of the humiliation you put me through.”

“Grace, don’t do this,” I began, but again she put her hand out to stop me.

“No…you did this, not me. You’re the one who caused this.”

“Grace,” I started again, my voice steadily getting louder. “Do you want me to say I’m sorry? Is that what you want?” At this point I was practically yelling. “Because I can’t. I can’t say I’m sorry because I’m
NOT!
Yeah, I’m sorry it had to start the way it did, but I’m not sorry I pulled the stupid charade on you because if I hadn’t, I never would’ve met you. You changed my life, Grace, and I can’t imagine going back to the way it was before you came into it. I can’t imagine even for one second a life without you in it. Don’t
do
this Grace,” I pleaded. “Don’t throw this all away.”

She didn’t say anything. She just stared back at me, and that was the first time I began to realize that she really
was
going to end it. I mean, yeah, I knew she was upset. I knew we’d have it out and that she’d rake me over the coals, but honestly, I thought in the end she’d forgive me, that she’d realize how much I loved her even if it did start out the way it did, and then after much begging and pleading on my part – which I was more than prepared to do – she’d realize that the two of us were meant for each other.

“Tanner, I need my bag,” I heard her say out of the blue. “The one I left here the other night.”

Her
bag?
Was she leaving? Was this it? She was slipping through my fingers right before my eyes, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I wasn’t used to not being in control, and I hated it.

“My bag, Tanner,” she said again.

“Wait a minute – you’re leaving?” I asked as if I didn’t already know.

“Yes, I’m leaving. I don’t think there’s anything left to say, so now can you please get me my bag?”

“Wait, just wait. Don’t leave yet,” I begged – I
begged?
“I’ll get it – wait here.” I quickly went into my bedroom to retrieve her bag. When I returned she was standing in the kitchen, staring out the window. As soon as she heard me, she quickly came back into the living room where I reluctantly handed her the bag.

“Thanks,” she said, and then she turned to leave, but I grabbed her by the wrist.

“Grace…please…” I choked out, but the words just hung in the air.

“Tanner…don’t,” she said as she slipped from my grasp and reached for the door, hesitating for the briefest of seconds with her hand on the knob before opening it and leaving without another word.

I stood there stunned as I watched her walk away and then disappear into the night. She was gone. Just like that, she was gone. When I was finally able to move, I stepped back inside and closed the door. I was numb. Had this really just happened?

I sat down on the arm of the couch for a few minutes and just stared blankly at the closed door, hoping that she’d come back, that she’d suddenly realize she’d made a mistake. But when it became clear that that wasn’t going to happen, I dragged myself to my feet and went into the kitchen for something to drink.

There was plenty of beer in the refrigerator, but I needed something stronger if I wanted to make the last three days disappear. I looked through the cabinets before finally finding exactly what I needed – a nearly full bottle of the best tequila money could buy. I took a glass from the sink, poured myself some, and then put the bottle down on the counter.

And that’s when I saw it. There, sitting at the edge of the counter, like the final nail in the coffin, was Grace’s key.

Chapter 51

Grace

W
alk. Walk, just keep walking. Don’t look back. Don’t think, just walk.
That’s what I kept repeating to myself as I walked away from Tanner’s. I was able to keep that up for most of the way home, then, just when I got to the parking lot, cracks in my tough façade started to form, allowing bits and pieces to seep through. I’d done what had to be done, I told myself - so why did I feel like crap?

Because in spite of everything, I knew I still loved him, and I thought I always would. That was the truth, but I also hated him. We could never be together. How could I ever trust him again? I knew I had to put this mess behind me and move on, but right now I couldn’t even imagine how I would do that. It was all still so raw.

I squeezed my eyes shut tight, willing the tears not to come, but it was no use. By this time I’d reached the front door, but when I went inside I stayed downstairs for a few minutes, not wanting Beth to see me crying again. Eventually I slowly began to walk up the stairs and into my room. As soon as I did, Beth looked up, a worried expression on her face.

“I’m fine, Beth,” I said before she could ask me anything. “It was tough, but I got through it. Now I just want to go to bed.”

“What did he say?”

“Beth, I just don’t feel like talking about it now…or maybe ever,” I told her and started getting my stuff together to take a shower.

“Okay,” she said, knowing she probably shouldn’t push me in my fragile state.

I shot her a weak but grateful smile and went to stand under the hot needles of water, hoping they would wash away the hurt. All they did was give me some privacy to shed more tears. After my shower I climbed into bed exhausted, hoping that tomorrow would be a better day.

For the next few days I just went through the motions. I went to class, did my assignments, went to the gym (careful not to go when Tanner would be there), and went home. When Tanner called, I told him in no uncertain terms that it was over and to please not call me anymore. When my request was denied, I simply ignored his calls. As hard as it was, I needed to get on with my life, and so did he.

I didn’t go out over the weekend. I just wasn’t in the mood, and besides, I didn’t want to run into Tanner. Before I knew it, Monday had rolled around again…and then it was Tuesday, the day I was dreading. Tanner and I had class together, and there was no way I could ditch since I’d missed last week. There was no avoiding him. When I got there, he was waiting outside the lecture hall.

I instinctively stopped in my tracks when I saw him, even though his back was to me. As if he felt my presence, he turned around. Our eyes met but neither of us moved. It was the first time we’d seen each other since the blowout. After a brief pause, he walked towards me. “Great to see you, Grace.”

“Hi,” was all I said in response.

“Hey, do you mind if we sit together?” he asked, “I’d really like to talk to you.”

“Tanner, I don’t have anything more to say to you. I said all I had to say the other night,” I said, surprising myself with my bluntness.

“Fine, you don’t have to say anything,” he countered, “You can just listen.”

Realizing I couldn’t get rid of him without making a scene, I reluctantly agreed. We took our usual seats in the back, where I took out my notebook, hung my bag on the back of the seat, and waited for the professor to arrive. That’s when I noticed Tanner’s bandaged hand. “What happened?” I asked, motioning to it.

He looked almost embarrassed as he said, “Oh, just a little accident,” and left it at that.

“Can you play guitar with that?”

“No, not for another week and a half. Cole’s livid. Two shows had to be cancelled this past weekend, and he’s scrambling to find a replacement for next week.”

“Oh,” was all I said, deciding it was best that I not get into it any further.

“Grace…” he began again, but just as he did the professor walked in and immediately started talking. Tanner fell silent, but it still felt like the longest lecture of my life. It was agony sitting next to Tanner, and I had no doubt he was going to corner me when class was over.

The lecture ended a few minutes early, and sure enough, when I went to get up, I felt Tanner’s hand on my elbow. “Grace, wait.”

I didn’t say anything. I just stared at his hand on my elbow until he removed it.

“Just hear me out…please,” he continued. I hesitated for a moment, then sat back down without saying anything. “Grace,” he began, “this past week, it’s been, I don’t know…awful. I’m miserable without you around.” He reached over and touched my hand. “Do you think…I mean, is there any way for us to get past this, any way at all?”

I looked down at his hand on mine and wondered how, even after everything that’d happened between us, it was still possible for his touch to give me chills. I slowly slid my hand out of reach. “Tanner, I told you…it’s over. There’s no ‘getting past it’ for me. I don’t think you understand what it was like for me to hear all that, to find out what you
really
thought of me when we first met. Do you know how humiliating that was?
Is?
I cringe
every
time
I think about it.”

I could feel myself getting angry at him all over again, and when he reached over to touch my hand again, I yanked it away. “You just don’t get it,” I said, my voice beginning to rise.

“I get it, Grace…really, I do. And I hate that you feel the way you do and that it’s my fault, but I’ll do anything –
anything
– to make it up to you. Please…just give me a chance.”

“The answer’s no, Tanner, and I don’t know why you care so much anyway. You’re all set. You got your money, so go enjoy it. Go have a blast on your tour and then when you get back maybe you can find yourself another naïve dork to dupe. Or better yet, stick with the likes of Amber. You two deserve each other.”

I stood up and started packing away my notebook, but just before I turned to leave I said, “Stay away from me, Tanner. I need to get on with my life and so do you.” With that I grabbed my bag and stormed off, leaving him behind in stunned silence.

Chapter 52

Tanner

I
sat there, dumbstruck, as she swiftly left the room. It was really over. I’d done everything I could think of to change her mind, but she’d made it crystal clear that she wasn’t interested in me or my apologies.

I had put myself out there – something I said I’d never do. I’d let someone in, almost without realizing I was doing it. And it had been great, actually, but nothing –
nothing
– was worth the pain I was feeling now. As I sat there alone in the now empty room I felt myself grow cold inside. In that moment, I felt my heart turn to stone.

Two Weeks Later . . .

After work on Saturday, I crashed for a few hours. By the time I woke up it was time to get ready for tonight’s show. I’d been running on fumes for the past couple of weeks, partying every night, grabbing a few hours of sleep during the day. And it had done the trick too; I’d barely thought about Grace since the day she walked out of the lecture hall. It was like a switch had been flipped in my brain, and the Tanner I used to be was back, and back with a vengeance. It was sure better than pining away for her every minute of the day… at least, that’s what I told myself.

So it was back to the late nights of too many drinks and nameless, faceless sex. As long as I didn’t stop to think about it, I was fine, but every so often when I was alone and had some downtime, she’d worm her way back into my thoughts. It was at times like those that I just felt like dying –
well, not literally; I don’t plan on checking out any time soon
– but luckily those moments of downtime were few and far between.

Just then Scott banged on my bedroom door and yelled, “Hey, T, pizza’s here…and the guys’ll be over soon.”

I sat up, stretched my arms over my heads, then climbed out of the bed.
Here we go again
. After a quick shower, I walked into the kitchen, where Scott was nursing his first beer. He gave me the
what’s up
nod, then slid the pizza box toward me.

We had formed an unspoken understanding that
her
name was never to be brought up. I hadn’t exactly cried on his shoulder, but he could tell how rough it was for me, and had uncharacteristically let it rest. No jokes, none of his usual lame-ass comments. Actually, Scott seemed pretty bummed that she was gone. On the upside, he was definitely getting laid a lot more now that she was out of the picture and I was back in the game. Girls always seemed more willing when you had someone for their friend.

This would be my first time back on stage since, well, since everything went down. “Who’s coming over tonight?” I asked as we finished up the pizza.

“
Everyone…
hey, you must be excited about playing tonight, right…?” I nodded, not meeting his eyes. Not too much excited me these days. “Even Mickey’s coming,” he added after a moment.

“Mick? Wow, he’s been MIA since, like, forever,” I said, trying to remember the last time I’d seen him.

“Yeah, well he’s back and he’s coming, so that means the whole crew’ll be here.”

Just then there was a knock at the door, and within minutes our place was filled with a bunch of rowdy guys looking to have a wild night. I cracked open my first beer, and before long Scott had everyone immersed in the story of his most recent sexual escapade.

I kept close tabs on my drinking since I had to perform later and needed to keep my wits about me. I watched from the back of the kitchen as Scott droned on, and that’s when Mick walked in, late as usual, with a six-pack under his arm. “What’d I miss?” he asked as he tossed his jacket onto the couch and opened a beer.

“Nothing much,” Dean said. “Scott’s holding center stage again with the story of his latest conquest.”

“Oh cool, I could use a good laugh,” Mick said as he moved in closer so as not to miss any of the details, because anyone who knew Scott was well aware that he was famous for details.

I was enjoying listening to the colorful banter between the guys when all of a sudden, out of the blue Mick yelled from across the kitchen, “Hey, Tanner, where’s Grace tonight?”

Suddenly a blanket of silence covered the room as everyone stopped talking and looked back and forth between me and Mick. A long moment ensued as I stared down at the floor and Mick, who was obviously out of the loop, just stood there looking confused. Eager to end the uncomfortable silence that had enveloped the room, I coolly responded, “Grace who?”, then I leaned back against the counter and took a long sip of beer.

Everyone laughed and went back to listening to Scott. Of course, no one but Scott knew the real story about what’d happened between Grace and me, and whenever anyone asked I was vague and said something like “It was time to move on” or something stupid like that. But Mick was never going to buy that. He’d seen us together many times, and he knew how tight we were. I saw him making his way across the room over to me and drained my beer.
Here we go.

“Jeez, what happened?” he said. “I wasn’t gone
that
long.”

I didn’t answer, but I saw Scott pause his story just long enough to shoot him a
drop it
look. But it was too late, the damage was done. His simple comment had put me in a total shit mood, and if I didn’t snap out of it, the night would be shot.

Ignoring Mick’s question, I reached into one of the cabinets and pulled out the perfect pain remedy – a nearly full bottle of tequila. “Who’s up for shots?”

My question was met with a round of rowdy cheers. I poured a round, but didn’t even bother getting myself a glass. I just put the bottle to my lips, sucked it down, and then waited as it slowly began to work its magic. Before too long the thoughts of Grace began to fade.

That’s when I felt Scott pull me to the side and say, “Hey, T, you better slow down. The show’s in a couple hours.”

“Yeah, I know. I’ll be fine,” I said as I walked back into the kitchen to grab myself another beer.

About an hour and a couple more swigs of tequila later, I was feeling no pain. Scott offered to take his truck, so as soon as everyone was ready, I grabbed my guitar and we were on our way. I was a little late, but Cole didn’t seem to notice. The guys found a place at the bar and continued drinking as the band and I set up our equipment.

I was definitely beyond buzzed, but at least I’d eaten a lot, so I knew I’d be fine once we started. When it came to playing music, nothing ever interfered with the way I performed. Alcohol might make me more daring on stage, but it would never affect my ability to play – nothing would.

Before too long, it was time to get started. We were playing to a packed house tonight, which always made it that much more fun. Just before we went on, Cole pulled me aside and asked if everything was okay with my hand.

“Good as new,” I said as I flexed my fingers at him.

Cole stepped back from me and said, “Jeez, Tanner, you reek of liquor. Are you sure you’re okay to play? I don’t need any fuckups out there tonight.”

I waved him away. “I’m fine, Cole, really I’m fine.”

“Tanner, don’t pull any bullshit on me. You remember why we had to get rid of Bobby, right?” Then he turned to the rest of the group, who had wisely stayed back during our exchange, and said, “Okay, you guys ready to hit it?” With that we all headed on stage to a round of thunderous applause.

It felt so fucking good to be back. This was all I needed – a couple of drinks and my music. The set went perfectly. I didn’t miss a beat, and the night flew by. Before I knew it, we were leaving the stage, the crowd begging us for more.

Once backstage, Cole told me to do the final encore, then within minutes we were back out on stage. He did the first song and then it was my turn, but when I started to play I felt myself stumble, though no one else seemed to notice, except maybe Cole. For some reason it didn’t feel right, playing “Magic Power” without
her
there. Although we’d never officially said it, I kind of felt like it was our song. I thought back to that day at my house when I saw it on her iPod, the look on her face as I played it for her. I knew now that that was the moment when things began to really change for me. I shook the thought from my head as I looked out over the crowd.
Fuck this shit,
I told myself, and then I played my friggin’ heart out.

By the time the song was over you couldn’t even hear us over the screaming of the crowd. We took a final bow and then I unstrapped my guitar and headed off the stage. There was plenty for us to drink backstage, but I went right for the hard stuff. I needed to get my buzz back. I was sick of her constantly invading my thoughts.
Fuck it. It’s over. Move on.

I grabbed a bottle of Jack and downed some, then I changed my shirt and grabbed a beer before I strutted –
yeah, that’s right, I said strutted
– out to the bar, which was still open for another couple of hours. Our show had been shorter than usual because Cole had told another local band they could play a few sets. Normally I might have been pissed, but tonight I was glad to just hang out for a while.

It took a while to get through the crowd, what with people grabbing at me and telling me “Great show, man”. When I finally reached the bar, the guys had shots and beers lined up waiting for me, along with a host of girls who wanted to meet the band. By the time last call rolled around, I could hardly stand, and Scott and I stumbled out to the parking lot with two hot girls in tow.

Actually I don’t even remember if they were hot, but Scott said they were; wouldn’t be the first time I’d taken his word for it. We walked to their place, which was a small apartment above a row of chain stores, just a few blocks from the bar. Still, I didn’t remember the walk over, all I knew was that as soon as we were inside the girl, whose name I couldn’t recall, immediately dragged me into her bedroom.

I nailed her hard and fast. Right afterwards, I got up and started looking around for my clothes. “You’re leaving?” She asked, looking up at me surprised.

“Yeah.” I pulled my jeans on, nearly falling over in the process. I was still really fucked up.

“Well, let me give you my number. Maybe we can get together.”

“Don’t bother,” I told her as I pulled my t-shirt on.

“Excuse me?” Her voice sounded slightly shrill now.

Here we go.

“You heard me; don’t bother,” I repeated. “Don’t act surprised. I mean, really, you just fucked a total stranger.” I started to laugh, one of those obnoxious drunken laughs that can start a bar fight or drive some chick completely psycho. “Do you really think I’d want
anything
more to do with you?”

With that, I started for the door, but out of the corner of my eye I saw her reach for something. I quickly ducked, then heard her shoe hit the door, which of course made me laugh even harder. I slipped out of her room, closing the door behind me, and headed down the hall. As I passed by the other bedroom I banged loudly on the door and yelled, “Scott, I’m outta here!”

Once outside, I looked around to get my bearings, then started heading back in the direction of J.D.’s. I passed by a small diner, so I decided to get myself some coffee, hoping that Scott would be out soon.

I sat down at a booth in the back and ordered a black coffee. As I waited, I took out my phone and saw several text messages, two of them from my brother. He’d called me a few times over the past weeks and even left a couple of messages, but I hadn’t yet gotten back to him. I knew I’d have to tell him about Grace, and I wasn’t looking forward to telling him
or
my mom about what’d happened.

My mom, oh man, my mom!
She was going to be crushed when she found out. Just then a text came through from Scott asking where I was. I texted him back that I was in the diner and would meet him outside.

As I waited, I saw a group of guys walking towards me. I didn’t recognize them right away but as they got closer I thought it looked like it might be Gary and his crew. Then I heard Gary’s unmistakably sarcastic voice say, “Tanner, is that
you?
Look guys, it’s
Tanner.
”

I ignored him, hoping he would just move on, but of course that wasn’t the way it went down. “What are you doing here all alone? Where’s
Grace?
” He spun his head around in an exaggerated motion, pretending to be looking for her. “Oh,
that’s
right, I forgot. You and Grace are, hmm, how should I put it?
No more
. I mean, that’s what I heard anyway.”

I continued to ignore him, but he kept speaking. “What happened, Tanner? Because Grace certainly isn’t talking, neither is her roommate. All I know is that Grace has been flying solo at the gym for the past few weeks…and, might I add, she’s looking might-
tee
fine.” He started laughing when he said that, and so did his douchebag friends. I was finding it more difficult to ignore him.

“Fuck off, Gary,” I said without moving from the steps.

“Oooh,” he said, clearly mocking me. “Well, judging from your reaction I’d say that
she’s
the one who kicked
you
to the curb. What’d you do? She find out you screwed around on her? I warned her. I told her you were scum, but she didn’t want to listen.”

He warned her? When was that? She never said anything…because she didn’t believe it.
I got to my feet and stood toe to toe with Gary. I knew I could easily take him, but he had four buddies with him who would jump in if I made a move. I just moved in close and repeated, “Fuck off, Gary.”

By this time, Scott had shown up. . “Okay,” he said, slipping between us, “party’s over.” He turned to me. “C’mon, T, let’s get outta here.”

“Oh, going so soon?” Gary said sarcastically as Scott stepped back. “Nice seeing you, Tanner. I’ll make sure to give Grace your regards. You know, when I see her at the gym, which is pretty much every afternoon.” Then he leaned over to me and whispered, “You’re done, rock star; I’m here now, and girls just love a sympathetic ear. This is going to be easy.”

I could feel myself burning up, but I just looked him straight in the eye and whispered back, “Touch Grace and you’re a dead man.” I was dying to haul off and clock him, but I held off, knowing that’s what he and his buddies were waiting for.