Hunted (The Iron Druid Chronicles, Book Six) (29 page)

“You should really call a doctor if that lasts more than four hours,” I said, and instantly regretted it.

Both sky gods said, “What?” in unison, and I shook my head by way of telling them to never mind.

“If you’re wondering how long it will take them to get here,” Jupiter said, “it shouldn’t be longer than a few minutes.”

“That’s truth,” Zeus agreed. “Hermes is very quick about such things.”

“That’s reassuring to hear. Perhaps he will be able to bring the rest of the Olympians here and we can ratify the treaty this very day.”

Zeus gave a noncommittal shrug. “It depends on whether or not we are whole again. I will not summon them until Artemis is returned.”

“Nor I, until Diana and Bacchus are returned.”

“Fair enough. But will you do so if we continue to follow through on our promises and reach a new understanding?”

Zeus said, “I will. I wish to be a part of this battle against Loki and Hel.”

Jupiter did not verbalize his agreement but nodded.

Hermes returned with Pan first, who looked amused at our meeting more than anything else. Hermes disappeared into the mist to find Faunus next.

Pan required little persuasion to stop spreading pandemonium throughout England. The entire exercise for him had been one of mischief more than malice, and he’d never been particularly cheesed off about the temporary abduction of the dryads south of Olympus, since he preferred to frolic around Arcadia in any case. He simply liked to fuck with people, and Faunus had given him a great excuse to follow his fancy.

“It’s done,” he said in Greek, a half smile twisting his features. The horns peeking out through his hair were stubby things rather than the curled rams’ horns I’ve seen in some artist depictions, and his other goat bits were anatomically correct. “Do as you wish and live in peace so long as you leave me to do the same.”

“Gladly,” I said.

Faunus, when he arrived, took a bit more convincing. Some of those dryads had been his particular favorites.

“They’re perfectly healthy,” I reminded him, speaking in Latin. “And if Bacchus hadn’t persuaded you to spread pandemonium throughout Europe, it never would have been necessary for me to abduct them in the first place. He drew you into his personal conflict, and while I might question your judgment on that score, I don’t harbor any ill will against you or any dryad. I simply did what I had to do to escape Bacchus while doing as little real damage as possible.”

“Three months of worry about my dryads was pretty damaging,” he fumed.

“For that I am sorry. But you have caused me great personal hardship of late and may consider yourself
avenged already. Can we exchange forgiveness and move forward in peace?”

Faunus clenched his fists and didn’t answer right away. He glanced at Jupiter and saw no sympathy in his hard eyes. His shoulders slumped and he sighed. “Yes,” he said.

My own shoulders relaxed. I hadn’t realized how tense they’d been. “Thank you. A moment while I check, if you please.”

Windsor Forest was an old wood and had been bound to Tír na nÓg long ago, though not by me. I put my hand to an alder tree and concentrated, searching for the tether that would allow me to shift away. It was there, strong and vibrant, waiting to take me wherever I wished. I breathed a soft sigh of contentment.

“Excellent,” I said. “I will bring the huntresses back and allow them the opportunity to end their hunt of me and my companions. If they refuse to end it, then I hope you will understand that I cannot release them.”

Neither of the sky gods had a problem with this, to my surprise. “On her own head be it,” Jupiter said.

I asked Albion to bring up Artemis first. When the rock and clay cleared away from her face, she was even more ready than before to swear an end to it all.

“Pride and arrogance led me to overstep my provenance,” she said, addressing me without prompting. “I should have been more modest and attentive to my own responsibilities than to take another’s grievance as my own. I have lost my hounds and my dignity as a result.”

“Fairly spoken,” I said. I proposed the oath to her and asked her to swear it before Zeus, who stepped clearly into her view, boner and all. Artemis winced in disgust when she saw it pressing against the fabric he’d wrapped around his waist, but she swore the oath. I asked Albion to release her completely, and all the earth crumbled away from her body. Hermes descended to put her back
together as he had done with Mercury. The Roman messenger had now healed sufficiently to stand, though he wasn’t quite ready to fly yet.

Diana was not nearly so ready to capitulate. She flatly refused, in fact, vowing instead to slay me and feed me to the crows before violating my bones in ways yet to be determined. Artemis implored her to reconsider, but Diana would have none of it. Jupiter even leaned on her a bit, demanding that she give up her hunt in the interests of Olympus. Diana suggested that he fornicate with Faunus. I probably shouldn’t have taunted her and kicked her head back in the Netherlands. And there was no telling what Flidais had said to her while I was blacked out.

Jupiter’s face purpled and he whipped his head around to me. “Do with her as you will, Druid,” he said. “I will fight for her no more, though I still wish to see Bacchus freed.”

I nodded thoughtfully, silently thanking her for making me seem reasonable by comparison, and then said, “Perhaps Diana will think better of her words if given sufficient time to mull them over. Shall we return here, say, once a month, to inquire whether she has changed her mind?”

“That is a noble idea, though I think it far too generous,” Jupiter said. “Once a decade should be sufficient.”

“I would rather be too generous than not in such cases.”

“As you wish.”

I almost laughed.
Gods, not now, Oberon
. It would be impolitic to show amusement as a cursing Diana was walled up in clay and rock once again and sent back into the earth to marinate in her frustration. I asked Albion
to move her elsewhere, far away from this spot but remaining underground, and to keep her out of reach of anyone who might decide to attempt digging her up.

“And so we come to Bacchus,” I said. “I’m afraid that he is beyond conversation at the moment. He is deep in his madness, a rather murderous sort.”

Jupiter frowned. “How do you know? It’s been weeks since he disappeared.”

“I sent him to a land of slow time. It’s been weeks for us but a fraction of a second for him. As far as he knows, I just got finished kicking him in the chest. So when you pull him back here—and it will be you who does it, not me—he will be furious. Can you control him?” Jupiter assured me that he could. “And assuming that goes well—a dangerous assumption, I know—will you both call the rest of the Olympians here to cement our alliance against Loki and Hel?”

Zeus nodded enthusiastically and looked excited, and Jupiter agreed in more reserved tones.

“Just in case—should I be forced to leave—how do I contact you?”

Hermes looked up at my question and rose from the side of Artemis, who was mending quickly. “You can summon winds as a Druid, can you not?”

Thinking of Fragarach, I said, “To a limited extent, yes.”

“Summon a westerly wind, then,” Hermes said. “Invoke the names of Iris and myself, and speak to us as it blows past you. Zephyrus, god of the west wind and husband of Iris, will hear and tell us.”

“Fair enough.” I swiveled my head around to check on Flidais and Perun. “You might want to leave before I do this. He’s about ten gallons short of a keg, if you know what I mean.”

Flidais shook her head. “I wish to witness on behalf of the Tuatha Dé Danann.”

“All right,” I said. “Jupiter, I’m going to open a portal right here.” I traced my finger in a vertical circle, describing a hoop through which a circus animal might jump. “Bacchus will have his arms splayed toward you thusly.” I demonstrated by raising my arms forward and a bit out from the sides. “Reach in and pull him back through by his right arm, because his left one is broken. Do not put your leg or any other part of your body through the portal, or you risk being caught in the same slow timestream. I need you to do this as quickly as possible so that I can close the portal behind him, because it drains the earth to keep them open. Okay?”

“It shall be as you say.”

I checked everyone’s position before I began. The last thing I wanted was for someone to push
me
into the portal. But no one was trying to sneak up on my six.

Oberon, please go put one of your paws on that tree over there. If we have to bail on this thing, I want you to be ready
.

Me too
.

“Here we go,” I said, and created a binding between this plane and the Time Island where I’d kicked Bacchus. I scooted away to the side and headed for the tree, ready to shift away if necessary. Jupiter reached in and pulled out the personification of an unchained tantrum, green-veined and still roaring in rage.